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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband to fuck off

333 replies

cinq · 29/05/2022 23:13

I work full time as does my husband. We have 2 DC ages 9 and 5. My husband works away a lot so I have the responsibility of my own job as well as all the childcare and housework which is fine but tiring.

He’s been away on a boys trip recently and is scheduled to go on another one in a few weeks. Again, I don’t have a problem with this - we can afford it and it’s not a problem.

Here’s where I do have a problem. We are planning to go on holiday in December just after Christmas and I’ve been told by him that my MIL is joining us. I haven’t been asked - I’ve been told.

my MIL is fine in small doses but a week with her I dont think I can manage with snidey comments and just her generally being unpleasant.

i don’t want to say I’m devastated- it’s a first world problem - but I work all year, haven’t been on holiday since before the pandemic and now I’ll be on edge for a week and be spending a fortune for the privilege.

I’ve been clear with my husband that I don’t want to go with her but nothing is really sinking in with him. He just says we won’t have to do it again. I don’t want to do it at all!!!!

AIBU to tell him to just fuck off?

OP posts:
Kennykenkencat · 30/05/2022 01:36

redhoodred1 · 30/05/2022 01:00

Is this a joke? You’re asking the woman to contemplate divorce over this? 😐😐😐😐

Show quote history

It depends if this is the thin end of the wedge,
I certainly wouldn’t be going.
A case of you have done it once so why not again.

Nip it in the bud otherwise the next thing will be her moving in.

Sweepingeyelashes · 30/05/2022 01:37

My idea of marriage is that you discuss things and sometimes both of you compromise a little. My idea of marriage is not that one spouse ie your husband gets to make decrees about what happens. I would not holiday with my mother in law and I would not be going on that holiday because I would be devastated. I certainly wouldn't pay for any part of it. You work fulltime and you have more of the domestic load because he works away. You deserve a holiday a lot more than your husband and his mother does.

That is not a little compromise. I am sure that he is not a supportive partner in other respects if he thinks his word is law. If you let him get away with this, he will be even more dictatorial. I would honestly divorce him over this. In the meantime, I'd probably be cleaning those hard to get bits in the bathroom with his toothbrush and hell would freeze over before I had sex with him. I would go to war with my MIL - mine used to be horrible to me - but I think she is slightly intimidated by me now as she discovered I was prepared to more than match her after being super polite, non-entitled, helpful etc with no results. To be utterly fair to her, I don't think she'd ever suggest we holidayed together.

Sweepingeyelashes · 30/05/2022 01:39

Just saying for those people who think this shouldn't spell the end of the marriage, I have been married for nearly 30 years - to the same man - and I wouldn't put up with this.

SuperSange · 30/05/2022 01:39

If he gets to tell you that his mother is coming, you get to tell him you're not going. That's fair, isn't it?

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/05/2022 01:54

cinq · 30/05/2022 01:15

He seems to think he can’t upset her feelings but mine are fair game.

i spent two hours with her on Saturday and couldn’t deal with her comments and general unpleasant which gets worse after a few drinks. A week will see me apoplectic with rage and no amount of all inclusive cocktails will help.

And there it is.

Lets line this up.

*He works away so you get the HUGE majority of house work and childcare/child wrangling. This is not evened up because he isnt home often or long enough.

*He gets his boys weekends away. This is not evened up because your friends are not available to do the same (probably married to equally selfish boors).

*The one holiday you get to relax he decides unilaterally that his mother his coming too without consulting you. He is ignoring your objections to this.

Sum total?

He doesnt give one single shiny shite about you. Or rather.....he doesnt until the day you leave and he realises that the cooker fairy, washer fairy, childcare fairy and half-of-the-bills fairy left with you.

I am sorry.

ObjectionSustained · 30/05/2022 02:44

YANBU at all, the selfish bastard.

I'd love to know what the dynamic is. Is he paying for her? Is she having a room to herself? Is he going to do all activities with her?

Honestly OP, mirroring what others have said, I wouldn't go. Show him that your feelings matter too. See how he likes it when he has to entertain his mother (because I can guarantee he's expecting you to do that) and the kids (ditto) alone, without any back up.

Ruining your only holiday this year when he jets off whenever is just so inexplicably selfish.

So, let him go with the kids and 'accidental' book a week away for the days following when they get back.

ObjectionSustained · 30/05/2022 02:47

*accidentally

bozna · 30/05/2022 03:14

I love my MIL but not a chance my husband plans a holiday with her. We got on because we don't spend too much time together 😫😂

soootiredddd · 30/05/2022 03:40

No you are definitely not BU. But something about your OP and the subsequent updates tells me that you’re not actually going to tell him to fuck off or do any of the alternatives suggested… please do. Especially if you do decide to go on this holiday, with MIL in tow, you HAVE to go off and do your own thing. Without the kids too. He can’t get away with this, if he does then he will just pull this kind of shit over and over.

JimmyShoo · 30/05/2022 04:45

Show him this thread. It might enlighten him.

ADHDgirls · 30/05/2022 05:15

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/05/2022 01:54

And there it is.

Lets line this up.

*He works away so you get the HUGE majority of house work and childcare/child wrangling. This is not evened up because he isnt home often or long enough.

*He gets his boys weekends away. This is not evened up because your friends are not available to do the same (probably married to equally selfish boors).

*The one holiday you get to relax he decides unilaterally that his mother his coming too without consulting you. He is ignoring your objections to this.

Sum total?

He doesnt give one single shiny shite about you. Or rather.....he doesnt until the day you leave and he realises that the cooker fairy, washer fairy, childcare fairy and half-of-the-bills fairy left with you.

I am sorry.

Show quote history

This with bells on.

dustandroses · 30/05/2022 05:20

Do you know I can’t get past the part where it’s fine that he works away and has boys weekends away while you work full time looking after the DC’s and the home and haven’t had a holiday in 2 years.

Inviting his DM without asking you seems indicative of the way he treats you generally. Are you his wife and equal or his second in command?

timeisnotaline · 30/05/2022 05:24

Message saying you’ve booked a trip to <c> for a few days to think about things, and it’s the weekend a few weeks away that he was going to be away so he has to cancel his boys trip. Tell him you know he won’t mind as he’s cancelled the family holiday for you since wild horses won’t drag you on what he now decided is going to be a trip where his mum will be nasty to you every day, so you need and deserve this break.

ShandaLear · 30/05/2022 05:43

‘Since we’re making unilateral decisions about our holidays now, I’ve decided not to go on ours in December. This is because you invited your mother, in spite of you knowing that it would make this much needed holiday unbearable for me.I was so looking forward to spending some relaxed, quality time making memories with you and the kids, but I refuse to spend a week holed up with your mother, being subjected to a week of draining criticism. So have fun. I’m going to [insert luxury city break here] with Miriam instead.”

AliceR1 · 30/05/2022 06:01

Layman’s terms and loud and clear will work best imo. Spell it out. One of my biggest regrets in my marriage - before it ended - was not being assertive enough and allowing his family to trample all over me. I am in a new relationship now and boy those boundaries are firm.

70kid · 30/05/2022 06:36

Let him go with his precious mum & the kids
he won’t do it again
you get a week stress free at home or fuck it go on holiday on your own
Ive done loads of holidays on my own with my DH

KangarooKenny · 30/05/2022 06:38

He has no right to invite her without asking you. He needs to sort this, or I wouldn’t go and he can take her and the kids.

70kid · 30/05/2022 06:38

Or carry on say your going and at the last moment lose your passport 😂

MinnieMountain · 30/05/2022 06:43

What would he say if you told MIL yourself it isn’t doable? Invent some excuse about your H not realising there’s not enough room.

We’re currently on holiday with my MIL (all agreed- it’s her 70th). She’s lovely but it changes what we can do.

gamerchick · 30/05/2022 06:43

Send them off with the kids and you have some time to yourself somewhere nice. Make the stand now or he'll keep doing this shit.

billy1966 · 30/05/2022 07:03

Minimalme · 29/05/2022 23:52

This is the best advice I've seen in my 10 year on MN.

I salute you.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

There is no way in hell I would be going.

No anger, no upset, just not not happening.

OP, this man doesn't care about you and could care less that you carry the load.

Be very wary of him.

His head and heart are not with you and his family.

Only someone disengaged from you would use the family holiday to kill to birds with the one stone and lob is mother into the mix.

Book the holiday for them and make your own plans as suggested.

No discussion with him, just like he did.

Nothappyatwork · 30/05/2022 07:03

Why would you inflict on the children if she such hard work that’s the one thing that used to wind me up with my ex is that if she came along he would basically allow her to treat the kids like shit and tended to complete lamb chop himself around her.

Starseeking · 30/05/2022 07:07

I would tell him calmly that I won't be going as I've got other plans (you don't need to tell him that those plans are lying in bed, having long baths and enjoying treats to yourself).

I'd help them pack their bags and wave them off saying hope you all have a lovely time! He won't believe you aren't going, until the moment that you don't, so you'll need to stick to your guns. He'll never do it again, though when they return you'll need to sit down with him and have a long conversation about your relationship balance.

BackToTheTop · 30/05/2022 07:08

Have you booked the holiday yet?

Can you tell her yourself? 'Sorry mil but dh made a mistake and you can't join us on our holiday, how about you agree to go away, just you and dh, maybe even take the dc, to spend some quality time together, on x date' make it the date of his lads week away, as he already has the time off work.

autienotnaughty · 30/05/2022 07:11

I would be clear it's not happening and tell him to cancel. If he refuses your options are-
Don't go let him take kids

Don't go take kids somewhere else

Go and go out every day separately

I'd personally do the middle one and cancel mine and dc booking. It does seem like he doesn't respect you much.

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