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Original poster

Confused about where I stand- FWB

317 replies

Applesandlemons19 · 29/05/2022 22:55

Hi

I am posting here for some advice as I’m confused at the moment. I have been seeing someone for a while and it has been FWB/casual. I’m not sure where I stand though as the last few times we have seen each other he has been kissing and cuddling me. We chat for hours and he makes me laugh. He also sends me texts such as ‘good night beautiful’ and others like that.

Is this typical of FWB? I’m not sure what his thoughts are but I have started to develop feelings.

There is a few red flags though because he never arranges a day to next meet. He will ring me and ask to see me on the day or ask what I’m doing later. Sometimes it can be 10pm at night. I never know when I’m next going to see him. It could be 2 days or a week, I just never know until he decides he would like to see me. Sometimes he will blow hot and cold. He will be texting all day sometimes then others not at all.

If this was just casual sex to him would he be kissing me and staying to cuddle after and sending me texts like that?

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 29/05/2022 23:03

I can’t see red flags.

He is a fwb - getting the benefits he feels he wants. I would have thought it a bonus that he wants to act in an affectionate manner (the F bit of the equation) rather than treat you as an orifice or three.

You are developing feelings and nothing is wrong with that but you are the one moving the goalposts.

Don’t be adorning him with red flags because he is doing nothing wrong if you’ve agreed to be FWB.

Original poster
Applesandlemons19 · 29/05/2022 23:11

@SheldonesqueTheBstard Thank you. I’m just confused about he feels and what he sees this as because we never discussed it beforehand. I am not sure what his intentions are

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 29/05/2022 23:12

This sounds identical to the last guy I was casually seeing.

Would send me “good morning beautiful” texts every morning. Would text me all throughout the day. Then 10/11 at night would ring me up and ask me to come round. Would tell me that he liked me and loved spending time with me. (Even though we’d just be at his) We acted like a couple when we were in bed.

I got sucked in. Big time. The red flags for me was that he was heavily into drink and drugs.

I told him how I felt, that I really liked him but he suddenly told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship and ghosted me.

My advice to you - is be totally honest and tell him how you feel. & if you want to take things further and see more of him and go out for “dates”

If they truly like you. You’ll know. If they don’t. They’ll leave you confused.

Frannyhy · 29/05/2022 23:18

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

“I would have thought it a bonus that he wants to act in an affectionate manner (the F bit of the equation) rather than treat you as an orifice or three.”

😂😂😂

ripfb · 29/05/2022 23:29

Honestly, it's really simple. If he's behaving how you've described he doesn't have feelings for you. He's fond of you and loving the 'benefits'. That's it. Years of life experience talking here. Save yourself the heartache and get out now.

TaranThePigKeeper · 29/05/2022 23:31

You sound very passive in this relationship - waiting to hear from him about when you’ll next meet, and not understanding because of not having discussed what the parameters of the relationship are.

This should be an arrangement you both want and which works for both of you. If you want to see him, even if just for a shag, you are allowed to call him to arrange. Similarly, to be clear about what the relationship is for each of you, you just have to initiate a conversation.

If you want more from the relationship than you have now, you have to raise it. Don’t be afraid of losing what you have now because you want more - if you have feelings for him, you’ll soon not be content with what you have now anyway, so there’s nothing to lose.

ChimChimeny · 29/05/2022 23:33

On the days he isn't texting you could be be texting someone else?

The classic 10pm boot call suggests he doesn't want anything more but the kissing/cuddling could be misconstrued so I can see why you are confused.

Volterra · 29/05/2022 23:38

He’s behaving in a way that he feels is likely to make you drop whatever you are doing whenever he calls which will be when he feels like it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/05/2022 23:50

Have you both actually sat down and had a frank discussion about what you each expect from this arrangement? Because it mostly sounds as though you have mismatched understandings of what FWB looks like and haven’t mutually agreed how seriously you’re taking the “F” bit and whether daily communication is expected.

I don’t think it’s his fault if you’ve given every indication of being happy with the status quo (presumably because you’re secretly hoping that by being passive and undemanding he’ll fall in love with you?) that he isn’t attempting to change that.

Zerrin13 · 29/05/2022 23:51

I'd say he's playing you. He knows you are going to start falling for him if he gives you a cuddle. Try and step back and see things a little more clearly. He is getting sex on tap and doesn't have to do anything for it. That's the long and short of it. Forget all this FWB bollocks because that's what it is, bollocks. Its men getting no effort, no strings shagging.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 30/05/2022 00:19

He's not a FWB though is he? In all honesty, you are his booty call.

A fwb is a mutually beneficial, no strings attached shag.

He contacts you when he feels like it and you are a more than willing participant.

Sorry to say it, but he doesn't want anything serious from you.

I'd get out if I were you, before you get your heart trampled on.

Changedagain876 · 30/05/2022 02:23

OP from your post it seems like you would like this to be more. From what you've said (and like another PP I have years of life experience) he's not serious. I'd sack this off. Honestly don't waste your time. The amount of time I have spent pining over men like this who literally dgaf. Urgh.

WomanHere · 30/05/2022 02:28

Sounds casual to me. Any casual relationship that I’ve had involved texting, kissing and cuddling and not just sex. That sort of thing is just part of the intimacy.

I would be very surprised if he thought of you as anything more than casual tbh. If you’re not seeing it in the same way you should end it.

Bagpusssays · 30/05/2022 02:33

I don't think his behaviour is at all confusing. Sorry. I think the relationship works as is for him. Look after yourself.

Hawkins001 · 30/05/2022 02:37

If I were in a similar fwb, relationship, then for me, the goals are laid out, then it's pretty much similar to a average relationship, expect it would be no, I love you, but love our time together, and keeping to our agreed boundaries.

Alfixnm · 30/05/2022 02:45

@FlissyPaps "If they truly like you. You’ll know. If they don’t. They’ll leave you confused."

This is some of the truest advice I've ever seen on MN... it should be taught to girls in school!

Honestly OP, if this started as FWB but your feelings have changed, either (a) tell him straight and give him a chance to respond - if he's decent hopefully he'll be honest about where he stands, BUT see the first line above!!
Or (b) just call it off.
But you cannot continue as you are, just passively hoping that the frog will turn into a Prince. Heartbreak that way lies.

Aussiegirl123456 · 30/05/2022 03:11

Do not be fooled by the kissing and cuddling. The most frequently obtained service from sex workers is the girlfriend experience. He’s getting it from you for feee. If he liked you and wanted more, you’d know and wouldn’t even have to question it. Calling for a 10pm booty call is not that.

Rosesareredandblue · 30/05/2022 04:31

Hi op, do you every call him to arrange to see him? He may be thinking the same. Maybe try initiating more.

chocolatemademefat · 30/05/2022 06:05

If you have a FWB relationship why are you waiting for him to call you? Especially so late in the day? Sounds like he just wants some easy sex - with you going to his place. He must be a wow in bed for you to accept this.

think more of yourself and get out of this arrangement - it seems to be only for his benefit.

JangolinaPitt · 30/05/2022 06:19

girlfriend experience
interesting expression -I think this is what mine wants too. But so am coming out of a marriage so enjoying the novelty of a ‘boyfriend experience’

ShandaLear · 30/05/2022 06:33

You’re shifting the goalposts here, OP, and overanalysing the situation to find a nugget that says he wants you to be his girlfriend. Here’s the rub - men aren’t that complicated. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, you’d know it. He’d be making dates in advance, being consistent, having the exclusivity conversation, arranging to go out…all the usual relationship stuff. Sounds like he’s enjoying the fun but isn’t interested in more. Either way, ask him, but don’t waste any more time on him if you don’t get the answer you want.

Sally872 · 30/05/2022 06:38

I wouldn't assume anything form texts, kisses cuddles.

As you are developing feelings it is worth speaking to him about. He may be feeling the same and willing to try relationship. If not best to end the FWB anyway as unfair if one person is hoping for more and the other doesn't want a relationship.

Oysterbabe · 30/05/2022 06:49

OP why are you sat around twiddling your thumbs waiting for him to call?
You are no hassle, sex on tap to him.
If you want more you need to talk to him honestly. He'll probably say he's not looking for a girlfriend right now, at which point you walk away.

EarringsandLipstick · 30/05/2022 07:05

I don't think this is FWB (tho personally, I never get this anyway)

This is him having benefits. You passively wait for him, and he contacts you late at night for sex 🤢

If it was a mutually agreed situation, you'd be on the same page, and equally making arrangements that suit you both.

End it now. You clearly want a relationship so go & look for someone who wants that too.

Original poster
Applesandlemons19 · 30/05/2022 11:22

Thank you everyone. I do really like him and I think carrying it on will just end in disaster when he decides he wants to stop seeing me/meets somebody else.

I do call him to arrange to meet but he will say ‘possibly’ or ‘I should be able too then’. never a straight answer when I ask.

OP posts: