Confused about where I stand- FWB

[Applesandlemons19]

Hi

I am posting here for some advice as I’m confused at the moment. I have been seeing someone for a while and it has been FWB/casual. I’m not sure where I stand though as the last few times we have seen each other he has been kissing and cuddling me. We chat for hours and he makes me laugh. He also sends me texts such as ‘good night beautiful’ and others like that.

Is this typical of FWB? I’m not sure what his thoughts are but I have started to develop feelings.

There is a few red flags though because he never arranges a day to next meet. He will ring me and ask to see me on the day or ask what I’m doing later. Sometimes it can be 10pm at night. I never know when I’m next going to see him. It could be 2 days or a week, I just never know until he decides he would like to see me. Sometimes he will blow hot and cold. He will be texting all day sometimes then others not at all.

If this was just casual sex to him would he be kissing me and staying to cuddle after and sending me texts like that?

I've always been a non-game-player.
Most people (both men and women) do play games, at least in the early stages of a relationship. Either because they enjoy the chase, or because they wore their heart on their sleeve in the past, got burned, and have decided that keeping their cards close to their chest is safer. Of course there are a small proportion of people who genuinely don't play games, and hate the chase and everything it entails. However, statistically, most people do play these games, and that includes many who claim that they don't ever engage in game playing.

Those are absolutely not the kind of relationships I crave at all.
Very few people play those games long term. It's simply not healthy from a long term perspective, and would only create an unbalanced, dysfunctional relationship, which is possibly what the OP is experiencing right now with her FWB. For most normal people, these kinds of games end once both parties have decided that they are officially in a relationship. At that point, the excitement of the chase gives way to stability and familiarity, and expectations shift accordingly. If one person continues to be totally non-committal about when they will next meet, then that's a recipe for trouble and unhappiness.

Yep, I'm actually cringing for him!
LOL! There's really no need to cringe for me. I'm not the slightest bit bothered what you or anyone else on this thread thinks about me. I've been around long enough to know what really happens in the early stages of most relationships, and I'm not afraid to tell it like it is. The people I feel sorry for are those guys who believe that being the nice, non-game-playing guy is a viable strategy, and still wonder why they end up being friend-zoned over and over again.

YorkshireDude "The people I feel sorry for are those guys who believe that being the nice, non-game-playing guy is a viable strategy, and still wonder why they end up being friend-zoned over and over again."

I find these comments bizarre but I am not in dating world.

oP, re the cuddling etc, for me that's always part of sex. If he was clear he was FWB, he's done nothing wrong but you are up for more so it's mismatch.

@YorkshireDude
Mentioning that you don't care what I or anyone else thinks of you is spectacularly misreading the room. Again. We are just laughing at your inability to understand women. No matter how often you come back to tell us what an expert you are.

There is nothing more to it, if you’re hoping for more you’re only going to get hurt. If you want to know ask him or stop reacting to his booty call.

The people I feel sorry for are those guys who believe that being the nice, non-game-playing guy is a viable strategy

You’ve obviously been hurt in the past, dude. Ego must have taken a real knocking. But yes, let’s blame the women for choosing the wrong guys😅

@YorkshireDude

The people I feel sorry for are those guys who believe that being the nice, non-game-playing guy is a viable strategy, and still wonder why they end up being friend-zoned over and over again.

My partner is a nice guy. He didn't play games, neither did I.

We met, both thought the other was awesome, things went at a pace that was compatible and neither of us was ever stressed about where things were going etc.

That's the case for lots of my friends and their partners...

You sound as if you've 'played' the nice guy and feel it didn't work and are bitter about it. Your attitude now indicates that the women in fact saw a mansplaining, patronising side of you that doesn't seem to think much of women. Mate, that might why they friend zoned you, not the fact you were too 'nice'.

You’ve obviously been hurt in the past, dude.
I'm sure there are people who married their first love, who they met at school at the age of 15, and never experienced real heart break, but that's quite rare. Most people have been hurt in the past, so that's hardly some unique characteristic that I possess. In fact, probably far more have been hurt in the past than haven't. That's just life.

Ego must have taken a real knocking.
LOL! Check out how many artists wrote songs about love that wasn't reciprocated, and how popular many of those songs were. This happens to almost everyone at some stage, and it's pointless to pretend otherwise.

But yes, let’s blame the women for choosing the wrong guys😅
When did I ever blame women? I just report the observations I and many others have made. I'm not blaming women or insisting that they must change. It's up to the men who are getting friend-zoned to realise why they are unsuccessful, and change their behaviour.

Oh wow, did you just say that it's up to the decent men out their to change their behaviour? OP, when those of us say our life experience tells us what kind of man you're dealing with, this prize specimen turns up as a live exhibit to prove our point.

I could type a response, but what's the point? There's no proper counter arguments being posted to what I'm saying, just people talking about 'mansplaining', and personal attacks on my character.

@YorkshireDude your self-awareness is through the floor.

Do you honestly think it’s OK to come onto a women’s website and explain to us what we think, feel and prefer?

Username noted.

You obviously missed my post upthread:

All grown women in healthy, mutually-satisfying relationships that I know (and I know many) knew they’d met the one, when it was simple, straight forward, no game-playing and the guy said what he meant, and meant what he said.

Well, if they're not getting phone numbers and dates, then they need to change their approach, because it's clearly not working! Wasn't it Einstein who said that 'The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results'.

I agree with this.

Cut him loose OP and save yourself any heartache.

I heard they were going to call it 'Parents Net', but decided it didn't have a good ring to it, so decided on 'Mums Net'.

Anyway, why would someone want to exclude the views of 50% of the population?

Oh @YorkshireDude you could have taken the feedback of actual, real women on board and thought hmm multiple women had the same reaction to what I said... maybe the issue is what I said and something I can work on.

Instead you've continued to explain why some men are unsuccessful in finding a suitable partner to women who have told you how they did so. Spoiler alert - it wasn't through game playing!

I can't imagine posting on a predominantly male forum confidently saying "men think xyz", men saying no we don't all think that actually and me doubling down basically telling them they're wrong.

Very odd behaviour.

Thinking all women friend zone nice blokes and respond better to not nice blokes is a mark of incel behaviour. Which, shockingly, isn't attractive to women. On account of the fact it portrays us as a homogenous mass based on our sex. And is idiotic because it's rooted in perceptions that simply aren't true.

Anyway, why would someone want to exclude the views of 50% of the population?

Why do you want to exclude the views of 100% of the people who have responded to your posts?

Do you want to answer the question?

Do you honestly think it’s OK to come onto a women’s website and explain to us what we think, feel and prefer?

@wellhelloitsme Yes, I think incel probably nails it. Or just good old-fashioned misogynist. In the Venn diagram of life, I think 'bell end' covers all possibilities in this case.

@YorkshireDude Well, if they're not getting phone numbers and dates, then they need to change their approach

I can guarantee if a guy can’t land a phone number or a date, it isn’t because he’s a “nice, non-game playing guy”.

LOL! Check out how many artists wrote songs about love that wasn't reciprocated, and how popular many of those songs were. This happens to almost everyone at some stage, and it's pointless to pretend otherwise.

I wonder how many of those artists come onto online forums and sprout bullshit how nice guys get friend zoned by women who are hungry for a chase and play games.🤔

I'm not blaming women or insisting that they must change. It's up to the men who are getting friend-zoned to realise why they are unsuccessful, and change their behaviour.

Yes because that’s some absolutely astounding advice for the OP. Take a bow dude.

Thinking all women friend zone nice blokes and respond better to not nice blokes is a mark of incel behaviour.

^^^This right here.

Women like to feel that they won the prize, and a guy who is clear from the start doesn't provide that feeling of having fought the fight, and ridden the sickly sweet rollercoaster of emotions that leads to the happily-ever-after.

Just re-read this. Just as bleurgh the second time.

Top tip. If you're a man, don't confidently state "Women think xyz"... to women.

You'll have more success finding one who likes you if you don't assume you know what they want.

I can't tell you how toe curlingly icky the statement you made above in bold is.

Women are literally telling you that we met nice guys, as equals, it worked because no games were played and no 'sickly sweet rollercoaster of emotions' (!!!) was needed to find a 'happily ever after'.

Women with low self-esteem almost certainly respond ‘well’ to incel-like behaviour.

That’s hardly any sort of revelation, is it.

Women who know their self-worth, and who have their pick of (quality) men, categorically do not.

Obviously Random Yorkshire Dude has not encountered many such women.

And I also need a mind bleach to get the ‘sickly sweet rollercoaster of emotions’ out of my head, too.

🤢

Ah, this is a very insightful comment. Exactly that. And exposes Yorkshire man in all his insecurity. (Yes, Yorkshire man, we know, you're a dude and don't care what people think and are super successful with women by being a player... but.... but... only with the women who haven't yet learned that those who behave like you are the rotten ones to throw back)

Obviously Random Yorkshire Dude has not encountered many such women.

I reckon he’s one of them creeps with no boundaries and cannot accept rejection. Thinks it’s because he’s “such a nice guy” and wonders why all the “game players” men with actual personalities have women flocking to them and he’s left alone in his mothers basement on a computer angry at the world and decides to log onto Mumsnet.

If this goes against the talk guidelines, I don’t care.