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Original poster

Confused about where I stand- FWB

317 replies

Applesandlemons19 · 29/05/2022 22:55

Hi

I am posting here for some advice as I’m confused at the moment. I have been seeing someone for a while and it has been FWB/casual. I’m not sure where I stand though as the last few times we have seen each other he has been kissing and cuddling me. We chat for hours and he makes me laugh. He also sends me texts such as ‘good night beautiful’ and others like that.

Is this typical of FWB? I’m not sure what his thoughts are but I have started to develop feelings.

There is a few red flags though because he never arranges a day to next meet. He will ring me and ask to see me on the day or ask what I’m doing later. Sometimes it can be 10pm at night. I never know when I’m next going to see him. It could be 2 days or a week, I just never know until he decides he would like to see me. Sometimes he will blow hot and cold. He will be texting all day sometimes then others not at all.

If this was just casual sex to him would he be kissing me and staying to cuddle after and sending me texts like that?

OP posts:
Lovinglife45 · 30/05/2022 16:24

I am sorry OP. I have been there - heck I was there throughout my late teens and early 20's. Sleeping with men, growing feelings and never shifting from shagging to a relationship. I recall feeling whilst I was clearly fuckable (as are most women), I could never quite make it to girlfriend status.

As PPs have stated men will have sex with you if it is on offer, they can do so with no feelings whatsoever.

Men know what they want. If you are having to guess, dig deep to convince yourself they like you because of A, B, C, then they are not invested.

If you are calling or texting them far more than they are you, then they are not invested.

I am ashamed to admit I did a lot of chasing and it fucked up my self esteem while giving them an ego boost.

I will never forget Kate Winslet's character in The Holiday. The guy she was fixated on felt nothing for her but he enjoyed knowing she wanted him. He kept her just near enough so he could wheel her back in for an ego boost or when he wanted a favour. Did she not write content for him? That was hard to watch, it really was.

Lovemusic33 · 30/05/2022 16:28

He’s keeping you sweet by texting you in the mornings etc..
Basically he has you exactly where he wants you, he calls and you come running. I would start saying “sorry but I’m busy, maybe give me a bit more notice next time”, make yourself less available and you will probably see his true colours.

If you are getting feelings for him and he only wants FWB then it’s probably a good idea to end it now before you get hurt.

Kiki105 · 30/05/2022 16:44

I've been here too. The guy I was with was exactly the same and for a while I was fine with it but eventually I just felt used for sex. He kind of wanted us to be exclusive but also I knew he continued to search on dating apps! Therefore I did continue to date others behind his back. We discussed the relationship (if you could call it that) many times but he just couldn't see it from my side. He drove me nuts in the end because he was also constantly talked about his ex.
I never met his friends, family, went on date nights with him or saw him at weekends - too many red flags, he was never going to change. Glad I got out in the end. If your FWB is truly interested in you he would be developing feelings for you too by now.

Fireflygal · 30/05/2022 17:04

If you end it you will be at the start of realising your worth.

You might feel lonely at the outset and miss him but it's just the process you need to go through to build your self esteem.

Do you have any hobbies? Do you enjoy your work? Just remember, every minute you waste on this man means you are further away from your goal of a good mutual relationship. 25 is so young and you have lots of good years ahead.

Birkenshock · 30/05/2022 17:48

Hope this link works:

Block, Delete, Move On: It's not you, it's them https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1787635236/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_ZSSH8YXM6P1N740TVP94

Buy this book. Read it. Never again fall for one of those lovebombing blokes.

Justkeeppedaling · 30/05/2022 17:54

Sounds to me as if you're at his beck and call, and cheaper than a prostitute. Are you that desperate for sex?
He's using you. It's all one way. For your own self worth, try playing hard to get. What would he say if you called him for a f**k at short notice? Would he come running to you too?

MsEverywhere · 30/05/2022 18:01

I don’t think you are n the right place for FWB. They only work if you know you don’t want anything more from him. And you dn’t seem to be in that headspace.

2bazookas · 30/05/2022 18:04

Kissing and cuddling is very normal behaviour before during and after the shag.

If you want a shag, just call him over to perform.

Original poster
Applesandlemons19 · 30/05/2022 18:37

Thank you all for your replies. They are all really helpful and making me see sense. I must admit on a few occasions I have tried to slow things down and I’ve even told him I felt I was more interested than he was. He ‘steps his game up’ when I say things like that but a couple days later we are back to square one and he is being the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
Applesandlemons19 · 30/05/2022 18:39

I have just messaged him to say we will leave this now as I don’t think it’s working for me and he came straight back asking to see me on Friday or Saturday to ‘talk’. Which I know for a fact won’t be for a talk!

OP posts:
ripfb · 30/05/2022 18:40

Well done, OP. Please stay strong. Of course he won't give up this free, easy sex without a bit of a fight. But I guarantee he won't try that hard either.

Original poster
Applesandlemons19 · 30/05/2022 18:41

You’re all right all he wants is easy breezy sex on tap and he knows I’m pretty much wrapped round his fingers but I really do need to realise my worth and leave this situation!

OP posts:
Original poster
Applesandlemons19 · 30/05/2022 18:43

I’m not sure how I should respond to his message. He has ignored me all day and as soon I say I want to leave it he messaged straight back.

OP posts:
BestDove · 30/05/2022 18:45

Sounds like he’s getting sex and intimacy without being tied into a formal relationship. Win win for him.

Talkingmouse · 30/05/2022 18:47

A couple of choices:


  1. reply back: no, let’s leave it. Then block him on all forms and move on, or

  2. Ok, let’s go out for dinner on Sat. And go out for dinner and talk. Not to yours for an easy shag, for him


good luck!

Rosesareredandblue · 30/05/2022 18:52

Does he have children? Or a busy schedule?

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/05/2022 19:04

It can be just a talk.

That is entirely up to you.

i’m not sure a fwb is right for you. It isn’t for everyone. Me included. And even if it is, you really need to talk about your expectations before you proceed.

You are not painting him in a very good light. Which begs the question why do you want to talk it through at all?

He hasn’t been a gentleman but he has done nothing heinous here. I don’t even think it was a fwb situation either. Friends do things together. Talk. They don’t just hump when one of them feels like it. The expectation of sex doesn’t always have to be there.

Bin him off. Be single. And work on yourself. You’ll thank yourself for it in the long run. You are not on this earth just to provide a service for others. You should look after your own wants and needs.

And a decent partner or fwb will see your worth and rejoice in it.

RampantIvy · 30/05/2022 19:06

Mute him and ignore his messages.
Well done for pulling back BTW.

PriestessofPing · 30/05/2022 19:09

He’s doing the bare minimum to keep you interested and hanging on. It’s confusing at times to get some affection and indication someone likes you for more than sex and then just be treated like a convenient shag but there are plenty of people out there who are quite happy with these situations. They like to keep their options open and they also like playing women and knowing they have different women they can call at x or y time to hook up.

Typically, they choose women with low self-esteem who will quietly take the behaviour while hoping for more (and breadcrumb you if you seem like you’re getting fed up of it - like he has about this weekend).

If you force the issue he’ll be gone like a shot, and will probably circle back round to you once he’s left you to ‘cool off’ for a bit.

You might think oh if he met the right woman or got closer to me that will change but it won’t. The whole point of this sort of lifestyle is to be a player, keep anyone who might be emotionally challenging at arms length and enjoy as much sex as possible with no demands whatsoever placed on them. Of course some emotional aspects are nice - they can feel quite affectionate and enjoy a cuddle and a compliment and so on. Because it’s nice and enjoyable. But it isn’t romantic attachment, more kind of like how you would feel about a pet.

But there’s always a line with anything emotional and as soon as you are not in their bed or they are thinking of when to next have sex with you they are thinking about the other 2, 3, 4 - however many - women they are also shagging or trying to line up next.

PriestessofPing · 30/05/2022 19:10

Source for my statement above - a friend who is a massive player and pulls this exact MO on every woman he meets.

Namechanger355 · 30/05/2022 19:13

Get out now. Went through the same thing for 12 months of my life - always second guessing everything. He is getting everything he wants from you without the commitment - why would he want the commitment now

leave before you suffer heartache

FlissyPaps · 30/05/2022 19:32

Don’t message him back OP. If he leaves you on read, you can leave him on read. You’ve made it known to him now.

Take. No. Shit. And don’t fall for any shit!

wellhelloitsme · 30/05/2022 19:36

"No thanks, I've made my decision and think it's best we draw a line under things which I'm sure you'll respect. All the best."

Send. Block. No contact.

If in doubt, remember this:

He is quite a bit older than me. I feel like he is enjoying the fact I like him and that he has ‘power’ over me because I go running as soon as he asks to see me.

Bleurgh.

Suprima · 30/05/2022 19:41

Please don’t meet him for a chat.

he’ll tell you about a horrible ‘abusive’ ex, childhood trauma, his myers-briggs type making him emotionally unavailable blah blah blah. And you clearly like this man who uses you like a wanksock and hasn’t even so much as took you on a date, so it’s pretty likely you’ll buy it

block and move on. No ‘closure message’, ‘no deeeeeep chats’, no reading into his attachment style- kill it dead.

of course he comes running when you want to cool off, because otherwise he’d need to pay for it or put in the grind to find his next young shag on tinder or bumble. It’s also pretty clear you are asking for nothing from him, so it’s easy to get you to ‘buy in’ to this casual sex arrangement

men don’t treat women they fancy like bouncy castles

YorkshireDude · 30/05/2022 19:46

If this was just casual sex to him would he be kissing me and staying to cuddle after and sending me texts like that?

  1. It's quite possible to care about someone, and send nice text messages, but not want to be in a full time relationship.
  2. For a lot of men, sex isn't solely about orgasms. Some of us do enjoy kissing and cuddling too.