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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Confused about where I stand- FWB

317 replies

Applesandlemons19 · 29/05/2022 22:55

Hi

I am posting here for some advice as I’m confused at the moment. I have been seeing someone for a while and it has been FWB/casual. I’m not sure where I stand though as the last few times we have seen each other he has been kissing and cuddling me. We chat for hours and he makes me laugh. He also sends me texts such as ‘good night beautiful’ and others like that.

Is this typical of FWB? I’m not sure what his thoughts are but I have started to develop feelings.

There is a few red flags though because he never arranges a day to next meet. He will ring me and ask to see me on the day or ask what I’m doing later. Sometimes it can be 10pm at night. I never know when I’m next going to see him. It could be 2 days or a week, I just never know until he decides he would like to see me. Sometimes he will blow hot and cold. He will be texting all day sometimes then others not at all.

If this was just casual sex to him would he be kissing me and staying to cuddle after and sending me texts like that?

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 30/05/2022 19:55

You sound like a bystander in your own life, op. You can't even end this grim liaison without wondering how to respond to his latest text.
Just let it go.

Regularmumnetter · 30/05/2022 19:57

You seem really sweet OP. I hope you manage to escape from him - been in this situation before and it’s so hard when you’ve caught feelings for the fwb and they keep making promises that they want what you want to get you to keep seeing them.

TwinklingFairyLights · 30/05/2022 20:07

I'm in a FWB situation. It can't be anything else because he is moving abroad in 2 months. It's been going on for 2 months. He told me when he first messaged me (OLD) that he was going. He's attractive, lovely and a great shag. It can't be anything more than a FWB because of the situation but I'm enjoying it. We date, we go away for the night, we kiss, we cuddle. I think for me, I came out of a dull, sexless LTR last year and I'm enjoying the attention and company. I do have to put effort into not falling for him though. I suppose it's more clear cut because we both know it will end in a couple of months. I think we are giving each other the boyfriend / girlfriend experience.

Suddenlypoor · 30/05/2022 21:09

Don’t know if it’s already been suggested but could he be in a relationship already?

Original poster
Applesandlemons19 · 31/05/2022 09:22

Thank you all. My confidence has really hit rock bottom being in this situation. It has made me feel as though I am not worthy of anything more than being used.

OP posts:
Rosesareredandblue · 31/05/2022 10:35

@Applesandlemons19
Does he have children? Maybe a partner?

He is treating you like the bit on the side. Maybe you are?

Fireflygal · 31/05/2022 10:36

It has made me feel as though I am not worthy of anything more than being used

You are worthy of respect and love BUT there are exploitive people in the world. That's the reality of life. You will meet unkind, selfish and manipulative people. Often they are not obvious at the outset but over time the red flags start to develop.

The skill is to determine who those people are and give them the brush off quickly. It's about boundaries. Some of us (me included) didn't learn how to firm up our boundaries. Seeing my children grow up I'm aware now that some people naturally "get it". Others don't. I have to coach one of my children as they are empathic and kind and assume everyone else is the same. Another has no issue pushing back (guess which one has the best relationships!)

Just because you attracted a self centred person doesn't make you a worthless person. It just means you need to sharpen your boundaries. For some of us enforcing boundaries is uncomfortable, it goes against our natural responses so it takes practice.

Use this situation as a step towards healthier boundaries. Send him a message that changes how you will respond. If you don't want a FWB because you want a relationship then bin this man. Don't see it as a failure, see it as empowering. You know your worth and will not let anyone treat you badly.

There is lots of help and guidance on boundaries and rebuilding self esteem. Commit to spending a little time each day working on this - see it as personal development and an essential life skill.

Check out The Shark Cage Framework which gives you insight into the need for boundaries. Good luck

baibey · 31/05/2022 10:43

Applesandlemons19 · 30/05/2022 18:39

I have just messaged him to say we will leave this now as I don’t think it’s working for me and he came straight back asking to see me on Friday or Saturday to ‘talk’. Which I know for a fact won’t be for a talk!

He's trash. If he wanted to talk he'd call. At least you know what it means, but I'd really avoid.

Fireflygal · 31/05/2022 11:33

@Applesandlemons19, What did you do with his text? Can you see he was trying to override your wishes. He has been challenged by your boundary and realises he might have pushed his luck so trying the "let's talk".

Keep in your mind - this man isn't giving you want you want. You deserve better. Everytime I have walked away from a bad relationship I feel better, not immediately, but always after a period of time.

ChicCroissant · 31/05/2022 12:10

Applesandlemons19 · 30/05/2022 18:43

I’m not sure how I should respond to his message. He has ignored me all day and as soon I say I want to leave it he messaged straight back.

You don't need to respond at all. I would advise you to block him, but otherwise there is no need to respond, you've said what you needed to and it's not up for discussion. You know he's not interested in you, so why would you speak to him again?

theobligatorynamechange · 31/05/2022 12:35

@Applesandlemons19 What did you want when you got together, and has that changed?

I mean, did you want a FWB arrangement, or was that his idea?

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 31/05/2022 12:45

If he cared anything about you at all, he would have phoned or come round that day. Instead he is keeping you hanging till the weekend.

He will spin you the biggest pile of toot as to why he needs to keep seeing you. There is only one true reason.

Send him a text saying do not contact me again and block him.

Don’t kid yourself on that he is your Mr Forever. He ain’t.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/05/2022 12:47

Just say “no, I don’t want to meet up to talk. I’ve made the decision to end this, as it’s not working for me.”

and leave it at that. Block if necessary.

it won’t develop into a relationship, it’ll just be more heartache.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/05/2022 12:48

It’s not that you’re only good enough to be used. It’s just that this is one type of arrangement people can have - it suits him but not you, so you need to end it.

DelphiniumBlue · 31/05/2022 13:21

Depends. If you actually want to carry on seeing him, then you could agree to meet up to talk. Not at your house, though. Over coffee, not a drink, somewhere he'll need to make a bit of an effort to get to. A nearby town on Saturday morning because that's where you'll be and you can fit him in between some other arrangements.
If he agrees, make sure you've got something organised for straight after, buy yourself a cinema ticket or something, so that you don't just agree to go back for a a shag straightaway.
And then the only things you'll consider will be actual, pre-arranged dates. Taking it slowly. Going out.
If he doesn't up his game to accommodate this then you'll know where you stand.
Or if you don't think he'll change then just say no.

Staynow · 31/05/2022 13:24

Alfixnm · 30/05/2022 02:45

@FlissyPaps "If they truly like you. You’ll know. If they don’t. They’ll leave you confused."

This is some of the truest advice I've ever seen on MN... it should be taught to girls in school!

Honestly OP, if this started as FWB but your feelings have changed, either (a) tell him straight and give him a chance to respond - if he's decent hopefully he'll be honest about where he stands, BUT see the first line above!!
Or (b) just call it off.
But you cannot continue as you are, just passively hoping that the frog will turn into a Prince. Heartbreak that way lies.

Fuck me I wish I'd been told that 25 years ago.

YorkshireDude · 31/05/2022 15:03

Applesandlemons19 · 31/05/2022 09:22

Thank you all. My confidence has really hit rock bottom being in this situation. It has made me feel as though I am not worthy of anything more than being used.

If you're feeling used, it's probably the wrong relationship and setup for you.

YorkshireDude · 31/05/2022 15:13

FlissyPaps · 29/05/2022 23:12

This sounds identical to the last guy I was casually seeing.

Would send me “good morning beautiful” texts every morning. Would text me all throughout the day. Then 10/11 at night would ring me up and ask me to come round. Would tell me that he liked me and loved spending time with me. (Even though we’d just be at his) We acted like a couple when we were in bed.

I got sucked in. Big time. The red flags for me was that he was heavily into drink and drugs.

I told him how I felt, that I really liked him but he suddenly told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship and ghosted me.

My advice to you - is be totally honest and tell him how you feel. & if you want to take things further and see more of him and go out for “dates”

If they truly like you. You’ll know. If they don’t. They’ll leave you confused.

If they truly like you. You’ll know. If they don’t. They’ll leave you confused.

That's all very well, but aside from this particular thread, the reality is that many women love the 'does he? doesn't he?' rollercoaster of emotions, and they don't like guys who are too easy to win over. Women like to feel that they won the prize, and a guy who is clear from the start doesn't provide that feeling of having fought the fight, and ridden the sickly sweet rollercoaster of emotions that leads to the happily-ever-after.

FlissyPaps · 31/05/2022 15:28

If they truly like you. You’ll know. If they don’t. They’ll leave you confused.

That's all very well, but aside from this particular thread, the reality is that many women love the 'does he? doesn't he?' rollercoaster of emotions, and they don't like guys who are too easy to win over. Women like to feel that they won the prize, and a guy who is clear from the start doesn't provide that feeling of having fought the fight, and ridden the sickly sweet rollercoaster of emotions that leads to the happily-ever-after.

I do believe that to an extent some women “love the chase” just as much as men and “want what they can’t have”.

But my advice was to OP and her situation, not aimed at anything “aside from this particular thread”.

Honeyroar · 31/05/2022 16:14

Well done for being strong enough to know you’ve got to end it. The only answer needed to his text is “No thanks, there’s nothing to talk about. I want to end this now.”

GentlemanJay · 31/05/2022 17:03

I've been in FWBs relationships that were nothing like this. I did enjoy the kissing and cuddling. There was no last thing at night first thing in the morning text messages. We did keep in contact a few times a week to check in with each other. We didn't live round the corner.

I think it's time to get out when you are talking about your self esteem.

RenegadeMatron · 31/05/2022 18:54

YorkshireDude · 31/05/2022 15:13

If they truly like you. You’ll know. If they don’t. They’ll leave you confused.

That's all very well, but aside from this particular thread, the reality is that many women love the 'does he? doesn't he?' rollercoaster of emotions, and they don't like guys who are too easy to win over. Women like to feel that they won the prize, and a guy who is clear from the start doesn't provide that feeling of having fought the fight, and ridden the sickly sweet rollercoaster of emotions that leads to the happily-ever-after.

Show quote history

Thanks, man from Yorkshire, for explaining to us women what we want, or ‘like to feel’.

I didn’t realise.

Thank you for enlightening us with your inherent wisdom and knowledge.

wellhelloitsme · 31/05/2022 19:05

@YorkshireDude

Women like to feel that they won the prize, and a guy who is clear from the start doesn't provide that feeling of having fought the fight, and ridden the sickly sweet rollercoaster of emotions that leads to the happily-ever-after.

Oh how embarrassing. Did you just... mansplain women's feelings to... women?

And you've done so very poorly, by generalising and infantilising women as an entire class.

NAWALT etc.

ripfb · 31/05/2022 22:01

wellhelloitsme · 31/05/2022 19:05

@YorkshireDude

Women like to feel that they won the prize, and a guy who is clear from the start doesn't provide that feeling of having fought the fight, and ridden the sickly sweet rollercoaster of emotions that leads to the happily-ever-after.

Oh how embarrassing. Did you just... mansplain women's feelings to... women?

And you've done so very poorly, by generalising and infantilising women as an entire class.

NAWALT etc.

Yep, I'm actually cringing for him! Those are absolutely not the kind of relationships I crave at all. I've always been a non-game-player. Maybe Yorkshire man can help me understand why I'm so not normal...?

RenegadeMatron · 31/05/2022 22:36

Honestly, it is so, so tedious.

All grown women in healthy, mutually-satisfying relationships that I know (and I know many) knew they’d met the one, when it was simple, straight forward, no game-playing and the guy said what he meant, and meant what he said.

Zero exceptions.

But by all means, do explain it to us some more, Random Man.

P.S. 🙄