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Original poster

Confused about where I stand- FWB

317 replies

Applesandlemons19 · 29/05/2022 22:55

Hi

I am posting here for some advice as I’m confused at the moment. I have been seeing someone for a while and it has been FWB/casual. I’m not sure where I stand though as the last few times we have seen each other he has been kissing and cuddling me. We chat for hours and he makes me laugh. He also sends me texts such as ‘good night beautiful’ and others like that.

Is this typical of FWB? I’m not sure what his thoughts are but I have started to develop feelings.

There is a few red flags though because he never arranges a day to next meet. He will ring me and ask to see me on the day or ask what I’m doing later. Sometimes it can be 10pm at night. I never know when I’m next going to see him. It could be 2 days or a week, I just never know until he decides he would like to see me. Sometimes he will blow hot and cold. He will be texting all day sometimes then others not at all.

If this was just casual sex to him would he be kissing me and staying to cuddle after and sending me texts like that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Applesandlemons19 · 30/05/2022 11:23

He is quite a bit older than me. I feel like he is enjoying the fact I like him and that he has ‘power’ over me because I go running as soon as he asks to see me.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 30/05/2022 12:36

Applesandlemons19 · 30/05/2022 11:23

He is quite a bit older than me. I feel like he is enjoying the fact I like him and that he has ‘power’ over me because I go running as soon as he asks to see me.

God, this is grim.

Why let yourself be used this way?

Carbaholic876 · 30/05/2022 12:44

If someone wants to be in a relationship with you they will ask you (provided you're both single) , none of these, oh he's just scared, it's just not the right time, etc.
If someone wants a relationship you will know about it.
I hope you don't get hurt by him and can find what you deserve

Carbaholic876 · 30/05/2022 12:45

Sadly I don't think kissing and cuddling means much. I had men do it to me who I thought wanted a relationship, but they really didn't. They just want some affection without a relationship.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 30/05/2022 12:54

He is quite a bit older than me. I feel like he is enjoying the fact I like him and that he has ‘power’ over me because I go running as soon as he asks to see me

This is not FWB. This is him using you for a shag. I'm sorry to sound harsh OP, but you are giving your body to him and he doesn't appreciate it.

Suprima · 30/05/2022 12:54

Darling, you are not his FWB. You are a shag.

the cuddles keep you sweet. The texts keep you saying yes.

this was a very pathetic read. You are jumping to his every whim and doing everything on his schedule. He is giving you nothing apart from a lazy ‘good morning beautiful!!!’ text and the illusion of this one day being something more.

i do not advise you to get into another ‘casual relationship’ again until you have had therapy.

A FWB can be a mutually enjoyable thing if you have secure boundaries- but it’s very easy to have a man use you like a free prostitute if you don’t.

theonlygirl · 30/05/2022 13:03

He's giving you just a little bit more to keep you on side. He's getting everything he wants with no commitment. FWB. "good morning beautiful" just words. If you want to continue, harden your heart or you'll get hurt.

ripfb · 30/05/2022 13:15

Never giving you a straight answer shows that he is getting off on the power he has over you. He is not just using you for a shag, he's getting an ego boost from you 'coming running'. You've said it all yourself, you know what's going on here. You should be furious and indignant. Find your self-respect and walk away, for your own sake.

billy1966 · 30/05/2022 13:24

Suprima · 30/05/2022 12:54

Darling, you are not his FWB. You are a shag.

the cuddles keep you sweet. The texts keep you saying yes.

this was a very pathetic read. You are jumping to his every whim and doing everything on his schedule. He is giving you nothing apart from a lazy ‘good morning beautiful!!!’ text and the illusion of this one day being something more.

i do not advise you to get into another ‘casual relationship’ again until you have had therapy.

A FWB can be a mutually enjoyable thing if you have secure boundaries- but it’s very easy to have a man use you like a free prostitute if you don’t.

Nailed it.

You are walking straight into a disaster that will end so badly for you.

He's keeping his "anytime option" sweet.

Of course he is.

10pm calls.

Of course he wants to keep that easy arrangement on tap.

You need to give your head a wobnle and figure out why your bar is so low.

Nothing wrong with a genuine FWB arrangement, but thats not what you have.

He's making a tit out of you, he knows it and you know it.

You deserve better.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/05/2022 14:32

Applesandlemons19 · 30/05/2022 11:23

He is quite a bit older than me. I feel like he is enjoying the fact I like him and that he has ‘power’ over me because I go running as soon as he asks to see me.

Gross. Take control back fgs

Zpoa · 30/05/2022 15:10

Start seeing someone else and start saying no to him.

Original poster
Applesandlemons19 · 30/05/2022 15:12

Thank you everyone. I am finding it hard because I like him a lot but he just picks me up then drops me again whenever he feels like it. I just never know if or when I will next see him. I have very low self esteem and I think he can tell but I know it won’t end well for me

OP posts:
Suprima · 30/05/2022 15:14

Applesandlemons19 · 30/05/2022 15:12

Thank you everyone. I am finding it hard because I like him a lot but he just picks me up then drops me again whenever he feels like it. I just never know if or when I will next see him. I have very low self esteem and I think he can tell but I know it won’t end well for me

Of course he can tell

that’s why he chose you

Original poster
Applesandlemons19 · 30/05/2022 15:32

Yes, I can definitely see that now @Suprima

the trouble is it’s only making my self esteem worse being in this situation.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 30/05/2022 15:41

How old are you both? How did you meet? Do you go out for dates?

Whilst you are waiting for him you are missing the opportunity to be with a man who will genuinely care about you. You need to raise your standards because you deserve better.

It would be much better to be single than be used by this man.

Original poster
Applesandlemons19 · 30/05/2022 15:46

@Fireflygal he lives near me. I am 25. he is 12 years older than me. We haven’t been anywhere else apart from at mine or at his. He told me I can stay the night at his sometime. I think because we live so close he finds it easy to just contact me whenever to come round.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 30/05/2022 15:48

I think because we live so close he finds it easy to just contact me whenever to come round.

And because you keep saying yes OP. He sounds like a prick. You deserve better and this can only end in you getting more and more hurt, damaging your self esteem more and more. And as that happens, the less you'll expect from him and you'll think his behaviour is all you deserve. It isn't!

TaranThePigKeeper · 30/05/2022 15:50

Applesandlemons19 · 30/05/2022 15:32

Yes, I can definitely see that now @Suprima

the trouble is it’s only making my self esteem worse being in this situation.

Taking control of the situation and ending it will do your self esteem the power of good!

DelphiniumBlue · 30/05/2022 15:54

Don't be so available, either by text or in person. If he rings at 10pm for a shag, say no, or don't answer. If he won't commit to seeing you on a particular day, don't keep it free for him. If he hasn't invited you stay over at his, there's probably someone else he doesn't want you to now about, or them to know about you.
If he's bothered, he'll get the message and start making proper arrangements with you. If he's not, well you'll know where you stand.

Original poster
Applesandlemons19 · 30/05/2022 16:01

Thank you all. I feel so down about this. He knows exactly what he is doing and he knows it will be effecting me

OP posts:
FlippityFlapperty · 30/05/2022 16:02

My prediction is that as soon as you become less available and more of a challenge, the more frequently he will contact you and the more he will step up the effort. Right now, he gets sex when he wants it while putting in minimal effort, bar the odd bit here and there. He gets to decide the times you hook up and seemingly whether or not this progresses into something more meaningful. That’s not a friend with a benefit, it’s a head fuck because the balance between you is uneven.

I’d take a step back and on those times where he infers that he won’t make a concrete plan because he’d rather see you if nothing else comes up, then consider your offer to meet up as withdrawn. Be busy yourself. Don’t be his back up plan - it won’t do anything positive for your self esteem and it won’t encourage him to treat you any better.

ripfb · 30/05/2022 16:02

So he doesn't even so much as take you for a drink? What a prize of a man. I don't agree with making yourself less available to find out if he's interested. He isn't treating you with respect and this isn't a man I'd want in my life even if he changed his mind and was begging.

Birkenshock · 30/05/2022 16:09

Why is your self esteem so low? You are better than someone's last minute option, who is purposely trying to make you fall for him, so you'll always be available for him. Believe me when I say, he has no feelings for you.

Next time just message "sorry, I'm out right now! Maybe next time with a little more notice". If he ups his game, see him again, if he doesn't, then don't see him again.

All men know how to treat a woman well. If he isn't treating you well (and he isn't, trust me), then he's choosing not to because he doesn't think you're worth it and he doesn't see you as long term potential. Block, delete, move on.

SomersetONeil · 30/05/2022 16:12

You can give your self-esteem the biggest boost it’s had in a while by taking control of this situation - break up with this man who does not respect you, block and move on.

You will do more for your self-esteem in 5 minutes by doing that, than by continuing this farce, which is further eroding your self-esteem every minute of every day.

FlissyPaps · 30/05/2022 16:16

You honestly really deserve better than this❤

I was in your position at the end of 2020. Was head over heels for a deadbeat guy who only wanted to see me for an easy shag. I believed he was in love with me because of all the “good night beautiful” texts, kisses, cuddles, promises. It was all bullshit.

He knocked all the confidence out of me. I felt so worthless when he piped up with “I’m not ready for a relationship” then ghosted me. I was heartbroken. Felt worthless. Felt not good enough for anyone. It’s taking time, but I’m feeling strong, confident and back to my old self. I can see the signs now, and I won’t take any shit from no man.

Run away from him!!! He will do your self esteem and mental health no favours. You will feel so much better without him, the stress and anxiety, the wondering, the waiting. I promise.