Confused about where I stand- FWB

[Applesandlemons19]

Hi

I am posting here for some advice as I’m confused at the moment. I have been seeing someone for a while and it has been FWB/casual. I’m not sure where I stand though as the last few times we have seen each other he has been kissing and cuddling me. We chat for hours and he makes me laugh. He also sends me texts such as ‘good night beautiful’ and others like that.

Is this typical of FWB? I’m not sure what his thoughts are but I have started to develop feelings.

There is a few red flags though because he never arranges a day to next meet. He will ring me and ask to see me on the day or ask what I’m doing later. Sometimes it can be 10pm at night. I never know when I’m next going to see him. It could be 2 days or a week, I just never know until he decides he would like to see me. Sometimes he will blow hot and cold. He will be texting all day sometimes then others not at all.

If this was just casual sex to him would he be kissing me and staying to cuddle after and sending me texts like that?

www.bustle.com/life/wander-ivy-wine-review

Worth a read @YorkshireDude

An excerpt:

'A man describes in benevolently sexist terms why he's so nice, puts down other men for not being "nice," puts down women for choosing these men over him, blames women for having very rational trust issues, and implies that these women have wronged him for not dating him.

And, perhaps most characteristically, he describes himself as one of "the good guys" — which is almost always a surefire sign that a guy is not actually good.

For example women are often depicted as prizes at the end of video games after male characters complete obstacles or at the end of movies after male protagonists wait patiently in the "friend zone.'

Oops linked to the wrong article - here's the right link:

www.bustle.com/articles/147499-what-is-nice-guy-syndrome-5-signs-that-a-self-proclaimed-nice-guy-isnt-all-that-nice

Well, quite.

The quality men do not hang on out on Mumsnet, for a start.

The men who do come on here are, IME, the exact same men that some poor women IRL are shackled to -

They turn up at the girls’ nights out, and either sit there like some dementor, creeping everyone out.

Or, they pontificate to the group, pathetically and misguidedly assured in the knowledge that what they say is of scintillating interest to all the women present.

Until the women who brings him stops getting invited along, because everyone is so sick of the man with zero self-awareness, that’s tethered to her hip.

@RenegadeMatron
Well, yes, but that's assuming they've actually managed to tether themselves to a women. More likely than not, they are terminally single...

Sadly, we all know there are vast swathes of men tethered to women too good for them, and who put up with their shitty behaviour…..

Wow! So much hate!

Hate takes energy and passion. You flatter yourself too much. It's just weariness at men with your attitude.

Yes, there absolutely is….?

…and let me guess, now you’re going to come whining at us because we’re all ‘man-haters’.

No - we’re ‘sub-standard dickhead haters’.

I don’t know any men that behave like you have on this thread IRL.

Not even interested in reading this @YorkshireDude? If you genuinely aren't an incel / arrogant enough to assume you understand what women think and feel better than... well, women, it's worth reading and letting us know if you understand this article? You said my post previously wasn't constructive so I've found an article that articulates what I have been trying to explain. Surely it's worth reading?

www.bustle.com/articles/147499-what-is-nice-guy-syndrome-5-signs-that-a-self-proclaimed-nice-guy-isnt-all-that-nice

An excerpt:

'A man describes in benevolently sexist terms why he's so nice, puts down other men for not being "nice," puts down women for choosing these men over him, blames women for having very rational trust issues, and implies that these women have wronged him for not dating him.

And, perhaps most characteristically, he describes himself as one of "the good guys" — which is almost always a surefire sign that a guy is not actually good.

For example women are often depicted as prizes at the end of video games after male characters complete obstacles or at the end of movies after male protagonists wait patiently in the "friend zone.'

We were all doing fine offering our best advice to OP before you chirped in with this nonsense

Women like to feel that they won the prize, and a guy who is clear from the start doesn't provide that feeling of having fought the fight, and ridden the sickly sweet rollercoaster of emotions that leads to the happily-ever-after.

vomit vomit vomit

Fwb for women is the equivalent of the friendzone for men.
A state of purgatory.
I've never had one. I've had about two one-night stands and the rest is being someone's girlfriend.

By the way, I'm not saying men and women can never even be friends but if they are there is no sexual element or it is suppressed.
A man in a fwb does not regard you as a friend, you're just a sh*g until something better comes along.

By the way, unless the woman has suggested being fwb, it is guaranteed the man is not into her.

This is harsh truth.

@YorkshireDude
You're wrong.
A woman in a fwb arrangement usually does not win the 'prize' unless the man needs to use her for some reason like he's a cocklodger.
And then there's a feeling of being used which leads to bitterness knowing a guy is with you for what you provide not you.

@wellhelloitsme

Reading through this thread and the arguments with the yorkshier dude, it’s been said over and over that he is wrong to be “mansplaining” to women how women feel and why they do what do - but how is the article you’ve linked to any different?
Its just a woman who has written the article pontificating on how men feel and why they do what they do (in that situation) - and by linking it as response your also doing the same.

Why is it you (through the link to a female written article) feel you can explain why some men act the way they do - but Yorkshier dude is in the wrong and arrogant if he does the same thing?

By the same point, this very thread is complete with women stating that men with FWB feel this or that or are menipulative because of x reason - again just women explaining men. And this encourages the OP to see her self as somehow played and a victim of this man, when in reality she’s not, she just feels like she is because she wants more than has actually ever been offered.

In some ways it’s actually worse for women to simply be trying to explain why men do x,w,x for what reason on a woman’s forum to other women, just huffing each other farts and agreeing basically, without a clue whether this is actually the truth of how men feel or not or whether they agree. Yet that’s a lot of these womens forums really.

@Kertrats

My fiancé started out as what could be described as FWB or a “booty call” situation not to different from the one being described here. It happens.

That’s just modern life, the days of putting on a big show of “courtship” and dating are gone because they made sense in terms of old fashioned marriage (it was for life and you had to show you could provide for the woman) but they don’t make sense in terms of what modern marriage is. A lot of serious relationships start as easy hookups for men that fit into their lives. Nothing wrong with that.

There may be initial elation that she's 'got' her man but this will give way to 'a he didn't regard me as good enough for him' nagging feeling.
These 'games' YorkshireDude talks of take place between people who are already into each other not fwb.
Sorry to go on but I feel fwb is a bad deal for women.

It happens

Thanks for your searing insights. We had no idea ‘it happens’.

A lot of serious relationships start as easy hookups for men that fit into their lives. Nothing wrong with that.

Careful, your complete misogyny is showing. It’s all about The Men, and what fits into their lives, isn’t it?

@Kertrats

Isnt that for the women in the FWB to judge on an individual scale? I agree there may be more complicated feelings for women regarding casual sex than men (not all women at all but often those younger ones who actually want relationships but can’t seem to get them) whereas to men it’s just sex and emotional attachment is a seperate question. But ultimately the guy in question here is as advertised - he hasn’t done anything wrong.

The other thing is with the good morning beautiful texts and all that - rather than being manipulative he could easily be cognisant of the reality women may struggle with more emotions after sex and just be re assuring her. A kindness rather than a manipulation. But of course women embittered about this kind of situation can’t believe that.

And of course he may be trying to establish an online paper trail of proven consent to sex in case the whole thing turns bad and a FWB pulls the Amber on him.

You know, you could just as easily have written, ’a lot of serious relationships start as easy hookups for people that fit into their lives. Nothing wrong with that.

…and we wouldn’t be writing off your credibility in one fell swoop….

@RenegadeMatron

Call it whatever you wish, I don’t care at all if it’s misogny or whatever, I’m just telling it like it is - if me or some other man has started a situation like this and the woman has accepted, we can only take her acceptance at face value as being genuine. There is nothing wrong with fitting a woman into your life and using her for sex if she’s fine with that, it doesn’t mean you don’t care about her or can’t even grow to love her, it sure doesn’t mean you hate her.

Feelings and sex are unattached - you can keep someone for easy sex if convienent and drop someone you have genuine feelings for if they don’t fit your life. Maybe women don’t feel that way in general I won’t speak for them, but men are like that.

So, to sum up - men fit shags into their busy lives, … while women sit around passively waiting and hoping it might evolve into something more.

Plus ça change….

@LongFatWeener69
Was it an actual Fwb though or just a series of one night stands?
If fwb and you actually hung out purporting to be friends only, if she had feelings for you she'd have been on tenterhooks waiting for you to go off with someone else.

I repeat women will always have bitterness towards a man for whom she was once only an fwb if it becomes a relationship.
You've been warned.
Your assertion that this is the modern way and I'm a dinosaur annoys me a bit.

Hrgggggggh! This is typical ‘I want the benefits of a monogamous relationship without committing to one” behaviour. You need to reiterate your FWB boundaries or renegotiate. Don’t agree to ‘the gf experience fantasy’ if you aren’t getting the benefits of being his gf.

Part of the allure of a FWB situation should be the absence of “Does he like me”? angst. Stop basing what you want on what he might want. If you want a bf then act like it, casually sleeping with someone and colluding with their gf experience expectations, does you no favours.

@Kertrats
Yes she was a friend and it was friends with benifets (calls to come around for sex to clear my head or have it somewhere to help me out).

As for the bitterness, if there is any then I’m sure I’ll give her something else to be more bitter about in the future that will distract her from that ha ha!

Anyway what marriage that lasts doesn’t have this or that that people could be a little bitter over but either choose to put it behind them or ignore it and get on? Lasting relationships usually feature people that can put any bitterness when it’s not warranted in the past.

@LongFatWeener69
You don't get it, do you?
You are having a relationship with a woman where the bitterness is inbuilt.

End it now.
If she wanted to be your gf, and you weren't interested, she will never ever forget that. Ever.

Yes bitterness can and often happens in marriage but you're at a disadvantage from the start.