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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Won’t let nephew kiss baby

237 replies

cm1010 · 29/05/2022 19:06

I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable here and if I have a reason to be upset. I went to the zoo today with my parents, other half, sister, her other half and their three year old son and my five month old daughter. My nephew loves his cousin but likes to try and kiss her which I don't like. Today he went to kiss her on the lips whilst my mum was holding her so I put my hand on his shoulder to prevent him getting closer (he always has a cough and a runny nose) and I told him to kiss her on her hair instead (where I wipe straight afterwards) so my nephews dad then mumbled 'he's just a kid no need to push him' which he didn't say to my face but so I could hear. My nephew wasn't upset but this upset me because I feel I have every right to protect my baby and I did not push him away I simply put my hand on him to stop him touching her lips. My sister also asked why he's not allowed to kiss her on the lips. I was having a lovely day but it kind of ruined it for me :(

OP posts:
Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 29/05/2022 19:10

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to not want him to kiss her on the lips. But maybe there’s another way of handling it as it sounds like it appeared to others that you were pushing a tot away.

maybe when he starts getting close you could say something like “babies name” would love a kiss on the forehead. Or something like that?

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 29/05/2022 19:12

I think you need to find a tactful way of saying that no one is allowed to kiss the baby on the lips, because she is susceptible to germs. But I think you'll offend them if you run round making it obvious you're wiping her hair immediately after they've touched her.

Original poster
cm1010 · 29/05/2022 19:15

I was worried that maybe it seemed I had pushed him but I didn’t, I turned around and he was very close and went into panic mode as sometimes he doesn’t listen when you tell him not to do something but I know I simply just held his shoulder and I did say to kiss her elsewhere

OP posts:
Ducksurprise · 29/05/2022 19:17

Not unreasonable to not want kid to kiss your child
Unreasonable to use force to do so.

When your dd is older you won't like people putting their hands.on her

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 29/05/2022 19:20

Maybe you just need to keep calmly and lightheartedly talking to him about how “we don’t kiss babies on the lips” and then not let anyone else do it either.

it’s not until your kids are older that you realise just how very little 3 year olds are. If someone had appeared to push my 3 year old, I wouldn’t have been happy about it.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 29/05/2022 19:21

Ahh he's only 3. Sounds a bit mean.

Original poster
cm1010 · 29/05/2022 19:21

But I did not push him? I simply put my hand on his shoulder as he wasn’t listening when we told him no

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 29/05/2022 19:22

A 3 year old has absolutely no concept of germs, or boundaries. It seems really lovely that your nephew obviously loves his cousin and wants to show affection. So I do see where your BIL is coming from with the “he’s just a kid comment”.

I told him to kiss her on her hair instead (where I wipe straight afterwards)

This sounds a bit PFB. With the wiping straight afterwards. Do you worry a lot about hygiene and germs anyway OP? Not with just the baby but with other things as well? Might be worth speaking to your HV about this and panicking.

Make your mother aware of how you don’t like anyone kissing baby on the lips. For if it happens next time she’s holding her. If it does happen again kindly get down to your nephews level and encourage him to kiss her elsewhere, where your comfortable with it.

Original poster
cm1010 · 29/05/2022 19:25

I have severe anxiety which I was on medication for but these made me very unwell.. I feel upset because I did not push my nephew at all, we tell him many times that the baby is to be kissed on the head only but sometimes he doesn’t listen and goes to do it anyway even when we’ve said not to..

OP posts:
ArabellaDrummond · 29/05/2022 19:28

YANBU
i would have done the same, I have a 5 month old myself who was in hospital at 3 months with a nasty viral infection. Totally understand that babies get ill and they need to build their immune system but I don’t agree with anyone other than mam or dad kissing baby (unless on the top of head/forehead).

Ducksurprise · 29/05/2022 19:28

sometimes he doesn’t listen and goes to do it anyway even when we’ve said not to..

Because he is THREE. He is still very small. I promise when your PFB is three you will understand. It is wrong to use your hands on someone else's child. Move your child away if you are not happy.

DurhamDurham · 29/05/2022 19:29

I understand our concerns I really do but you're going to have to remember this when you have an affectionate, enthusiastic toddler of your own who wants to kiss babies. You won't like it when another person puts a hand on her shoulder.

SemperIdem · 29/05/2022 19:30

His parents felt defensive because he too, is very young.

I think wiping her hair afterwards is wildly over the top but agree with you about not wanting your baby kissed on the lips broadly speaking.

Namechanger965 · 29/05/2022 19:30

It’s fair enough wanting him to kiss on the head only, especially if he’s got a cold. But unless he’s leaving loads of snot on her head it’s very over the top, and quite odd, to wipe her head straight after.

Original poster
cm1010 · 29/05/2022 19:32

Thank you for understanding, I don’t think I’ve explained very well what has happened and everyone seems to assume I used force to stop
my nephew which I simply didn’t. He has a cold and was not listening when we said no so I had no other choice but to put my hand in the way so he could not get closer :( I did nicely explain if he wants to kiss her to kiss her elsewhere. I’m sorry your baby went through that.

OP posts:
Original poster
cm1010 · 29/05/2022 19:32

She was in my mums arms and unfortunately my mum didn’t take it seriously and didn’t not move my daughter away

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 29/05/2022 19:33

@Ducksurprise

Disagree with you re it is wrong to touch someone else’s child irrespective of the fact this is her nephew not a stranger. She didn’t harm him, she put her hand on his shoulder to stop him doing something she couldn’t otherwise prevent.

Cocowatermelon · 29/05/2022 19:33

3 year old don’t listen. Or rather they do, but their impulse control is still really poor so they do it anyway. It’s totally normal but very frustrating. Looking after toddlers is extremely hands on. You have to physically stop them doing all the dangerous or unkind (hitting/pushing) or naughty /forbidden things. You need your nephews parents on board here. It’s not unreasonable for them not to want you to physically be holding him back. But in that case they need to do it so that your nephew isn’t kissing your baby on the face.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 29/05/2022 19:33

He can kiss her on the head and then you immediately wipe the hair? I think that is a bit OTT unless there is going to be a reveal that your child is immune suppressed or some reason like that. I think it is really nice that your nephew would like to kiss the baby and maybe you are being a bit pfb.

Original poster
cm1010 · 29/05/2022 19:34

He has snot all over his nose and lips so I do have to wipe afterwards

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 29/05/2022 19:35

Have you spoken to your GP about your anxiety recently? I’ve been on a few different medications for it (some horrendous side affects) so completely understand how unwell they can make you feel. Physically and mentally.

If you panicked and almost sprang into action to simply hold back your nephew, it may have come across as you may be being a bit rough or pushing him away. & that’s not to say you are in the wrong. You are not at all. The baby is your child. I’m just trying to see it from someone else’s perspective.

No matter how many times you tell a 3 year old something, they’re not going to take it in and fully understand. Like I said previously, they have no concept of germs, hygiene, boundaries etc. They just get excited at that age. You’ll have it all to come when your DD gets older.

Going forwards, be polite but firm with your adult family members about how no one is to kiss baby on the lips. Explain how it’s affecting your anxiety. Be gentle with your nephew and don’t expect him to always remember. Your BIL is right, he’s just a kid. & please make an appointment with your GP to discuss how you are feeling mentally.

Original poster
cm1010 · 29/05/2022 19:36

I don’t mind him kissing her, I let him do it all the time but this time he went for the lips. I spend lots of time with her so he can see his cousin for cuddles etc but when it comes to snot over his face then I feel like it’s not fair on my baby for that to go into her mouth?

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 29/05/2022 19:37

I don’t think yanbu to hold him back. It’s not like you hit him! I disagree with PPs - I wouldn’t have minded if my baby’s aunt held her back from something she wasn’t allowed to do.
No way would I have allowed any child (or anyone) to kiss my baby on the lips. Especially one with a runny nose. Ugh.
But yes the hair-wiping is way, way OTT.

TabithaTittlemouse · 29/05/2022 19:39

I think I would be honest with your sister and say that he’s covered in snot and she should wipe his face.

Coolcharlotte · 29/05/2022 19:39

Your not being unreasonable, you have your own opinion and that's matters. Maybe talk to your nephew and say things like kiss the baby on the forehead or hand.