Page 9 | Won’t let nephew kiss baby

cm1010 · 2022-05-29T18:06:28+00:00

I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable here and if I have a reason to be upset. I went to the zoo today with my parents, other half, sister, her other half and their three year old son and my five month old daughter. My nephew loves his cousin but likes to try and kiss her which I don't like. Today he went to kiss her on the lips whilst my mum was holding her so I put my hand on his shoulder to prevent him getting closer (he always has a cough and a runny nose) and I told him to kiss her on her hair instead (where I wipe straight afterwards) so my nephews dad then mumbled 'he's just a kid no need to push him' which he didn't say to my face but so I could hear. My nephew wasn't upset but this upset me because I feel I have every right to protect my baby and I did not push him away I simply put my hand on him to stop him touching her lips. My sister also asked why he's not allowed to kiss her on the lips. I was having a lovely day but it kind of ruined it for me :(

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/05/2022 12:33

Binsk · 30/05/2022 12:06

I knew this would be put down to anxiety. 🤦‍♀️ I also have anxiety OP, DP does not. Neither of us would want a snotty toddler, related or not, kissing our baby on the lips. And we also have a snotty toddler of our own who we would stop from trying to kiss a baby on the lips if he tried, without the baby's parent having to do it for us.
It doesn't matter if it's because he loves his cousin or whatnot, there are boundaries in life and you don't have to let anyone kiss your baby on the lips or wherever, whatever age they are.

Exactly!

I think a lot of the posters who are expressing outrage at Op and calling her anxious, germaphobe etc just can’t bear the idea of a toddler being told the word ‘NO’

which is far more precious IMO than the OP’s behaviour!

Original poster

cm1010 · 30/05/2022 12:35

Yep, everyone blames my anxiety but my other half doesn’t have anxiety and doesn’t want her being kissed on the lips either has he doesn’t do it, so it’s the both of us deciding that there will be no kissing on the lips!

OP posts:

Original poster

cm1010 · 30/05/2022 12:36

Yes! So many people on here are afraid of a toddler being told no! If he was coming at her to hit her, I wonder if I’d get the same response for preventing him getting closer..

OP posts:

lisavanderpumpscloset · 30/05/2022 12:38

Haven't read the thread because OMG.

But totally with you on this. As long as you didn't use force I don't think you did anything wrong. Your child, your rules

Curiosity101 · 30/05/2022 13:18

YANBU - your baby is 5 months old. People shouldn't be getting close to a baby if they're poorly. The only ones being unreasonable are your sister, BIL and mum. I do feel for the little boy though as it'll potentially be mixed messages and it should be coming from his parents not you.

But I wouldn't want a poorly 3 y/o near my 9 month old (nevermind a 5 month old). My 9month old is (unfortunately) the second child though so he does get lots of his older (almost 3 y/o) brothers bugs. My toddler has had a stomach bug and Hand Foot and mouth recently though and through careful cleaning etc I managed to avoid myself and the baby catching them. Colds (and Covid) on the other hand... 🙄 No such luck. His brother has a habit of sneezing/coughing in the baby's face before we know he's ill. Babies are much more susceptible to developing complications at this age so if you can avoid it till they're a bit bigger I don't blame you. All bets are off when the go into childcare though.

As an aside I always give people with younger children/babies a heads up if any of us are poorly so they can decide whether they want to see us or not. I appreciate everyone has a different tolerance for illness and am happy to go by what they say if/when their child is more vulnerable than mine. So your family sound really inconsiderate to me.

Original poster

cm1010 · 30/05/2022 14:17

This is it, I understand there are more likely to be complications at this age and if I don’t want my child to be kissed on the lips then that’s up to me and not my sister and her other half. My sister just has no common sense and doesn’t see danger in anything, she never did growing up and even let a little boy stroke our anxious dog once.. he was very lucky he didn’t have his hand bitten off!

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 30/05/2022 18:50

aSofaNearYou · 30/05/2022 09:26

It isn't OPs job but I wouldn't deliberately leave my nephew uncomfortable and gross because it isn't my child, but each to their own. She could have easily said let me wipe that nose and then you can kiss her on the head. For HIS sake. Even though it would clearly be a huge encumbrance upon his day and she'll never get those 5 seconds of her life back

Tbf I wouldn't actively encourage him to kiss her on the head, either. Germs are likely to spread whether he was snotty or not if he is ill. I would just distract him!

I o ly said on head as op had said she was happy with that tbh. I'm just sidetracked by all these adults letting a little kid walk around with snot down into his mouth and no one doing anything because "well I didn't give birth to him so why should I care"

SleepingStandingUp · 30/05/2022 18:58

aSofaNearYou · 30/05/2022 10:30

@OvaryActions Personally I wouldn't just wipe DN's nose myself because

A) It's gross, frankly. I am immune to my own DC being gross but don't feel that way about other people's kids, I'm sure lots of people are the same.

B) It wouldn't fix the issue anyway, I still wouldn't want him to kiss her because the snot has revealed that he has a cold and is carrying germs. It isn't just about getting wor on her.

A) it's not a random kid tho, it's your nephew
B) if you don't let him kiss your child, you still don't have to but at least your nephews wellbeing isn't being ignored by everyone

aSofaNearYou · 30/05/2022 20:45

A) it's not a random kid tho, it's your nephew
B) if you don't let him kiss your child, you still don't have to but at least your nephews wellbeing isn't being ignored by everyone

Them being my nephew wouldn't make any difference, I'd still find it gross in the same way I would anyone else but my own DC who I am hardwired not to see that way.

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 30/05/2022 23:19

Try telling your nephew

I want DS to teach to blow kisses can you show her to blow kisses 😘

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 30/05/2022 23:20

Sorry DD*

nometo4 · 30/05/2022 23:24

OP, you were protecting your child. Your BIL was protecting his. You didn't do anything wrong.

Posting on Mumsnet for reassurance when you have anxiety is really counterproductive and usually makes you feel worse!

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/05/2022 23:38

SleepingStandingUp · 30/05/2022 18:58

A) it's not a random kid tho, it's your nephew
B) if you don't let him kiss your child, you still don't have to but at least your nephews wellbeing isn't being ignored by everyone

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@SleepingStandingUp

”nephews well-being”

haha! It never did any kid any harm to hear the word ‘No’ every so oft.

don’t be so ridiculous!

Marvellousmadness · 31/05/2022 03:52

Your kid is 5 months old.
It is not the end of the world to be kissed by a snotty kid. I guess he could have wiped his snotty nose first though

Howeverrrrr i wouldnt like anyone kissing my kid on the lips though lets be honest

But you need to stop wiping the baby's head after it's been kissed. Because germs arent something you can wipe off. Also kids need to develop an immune system. You actively avoiding all sorts of germs is going to do more harm than good!

Rosebel · 31/05/2022 06:10

Your baby will be putting far worse things in her mouth soon.
I don't allow anyone including myself to kiss my toddler on the lips (same when he was a baby) because I don't like it not because of germs or anything. If my nephew did it I'd probably cringe but let it go. He's 3 and if you spend time with him your LO will get his cold regardless.
Why didn't you wipe your nephews nose rather than using a wipe on your baby?

ForestFae · 31/05/2022 07:49

I think you’re being a bit mean. Is your daughter your only child? When/if you have multiple children, you’ll realise you can’t really stop them doing things like this. It sounds a bit PFB to be honest.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2022 08:15

But you need to stop wiping the baby's head after it's been kissed. Because germs arent something you can wipe off. but snot is. Would you really leave snot on your babies head to go crusty until bath time?

Original poster

cm1010 · 31/05/2022 08:42

I’ve been told a few times I’m PFB but if I am then that’s my choice, I’m sure many people are and if I don’t want someone to kiss my baby on the lips then that’s my decision and it’s not up to someone who isn’t the parent of my child. If I don’t want my nephew with a runny nose and a cough to kiss her on the lips then my decision should be respected. It’s not my nephews fault but his parents shouldn’t be mad at me for making rules regarding my daughter. I’m not mad at them for making their son a veggie when he’s asking me for meat and to try my food. I respect their decision, he’s young and wants to experience other foods but it is told he can’t.

OP posts:

Shirleyadams · 31/05/2022 08:46

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Calphurnia88 · 31/05/2022 08:55

ForestFae · 31/05/2022 07:49

I think you’re being a bit mean. Is your daughter your only child? When/if you have multiple children, you’ll realise you can’t really stop them doing things like this. It sounds a bit PFB to be honest.

There's been quite a bit of discussion on this thread already about the term PFB - a) how it's really annoying, only seen on MN and often used to patronise new mums for doing things that suggest they care about the welfare of their new child and b) how it can usually be flipped around.

Example:

Dear DS/BIL. I think you're being a bit pathetic not telling your son he shouldn't kiss little babies on the lips, especially when he has a snotty nose. Is he your only child? When/if you have multiple children you'll realise you need to say no to them sometimes, even if it hurts their feelings. It sounds a bit PFB to be honest.

Original poster

cm1010 · 31/05/2022 08:55

I promise you I don’t judge, at the age of nine you are old enough to decide for yourself if that’s what you want and I grew up as a child kissing my family members on the lips. I just don’t want my baby kissed on the lips for many reasons right now and I just want that decision respected as I would respect someone else’s rules in regards for their children. We all have our reasons why we do what we do!

OP posts:

Original poster

cm1010 · 31/05/2022 08:58

This! I’m actually getting fed up with hearing ‘PFB’ I’m sure many new mums get anxious and want to protect their child. The amount of posters on here saying I should get help for my anxiety.. I am trying and unfortunately had to come off of my meds due them making me physically unwell, at the moment other options are being looked into it for me and in the mean time I’d appreciate my family understanding and helping me instead of questioning me and having a go at me for it! When my sister threatens my parents and blames it on her depression, they quite simply let it go when it comes to her!

OP posts:

Calphurnia88 · 31/05/2022 09:16

cm1010 · 31/05/2022 08:58

This! I’m actually getting fed up with hearing ‘PFB’ I’m sure many new mums get anxious and want to protect their child. The amount of posters on here saying I should get help for my anxiety.. I am trying and unfortunately had to come off of my meds due them making me physically unwell, at the moment other options are being looked into it for me and in the mean time I’d appreciate my family understanding and helping me instead of questioning me and having a go at me for it! When my sister threatens my parents and blames it on her depression, they quite simply let it go when it comes to her!

I've honestly never heard of PFB until Mumsnet but everytime I see it used I cringe for the person using it. I have a 10wo and honestly couldn't care less if someone thinks I'm PFB for putting my baby's health and wellbeing first.

That aside, I don't think it's 'precious' not to want a young baby to be put at risk of serious illness. Kissing on the lips puts baby at risk (especially if the person doing has a cold), and is entirely avoidable.

You've said a few times you have anxiety OP - I think a lot of PP have jumped on this as the reason you don't want people to kiss baby on the lips, when there (quite frankly) obvious reasons not to. Plenty of people on here have said they don't want people to kiss their babies on the lips, and official guidance advises against it.

I would maybe stop using your anxiety as a way to justify completely rational concerns. You might think it helps softens the blow when you're asking someone not to do something, but (as you've found here) it could be used against you.

billy1966 · 31/05/2022 09:39

Calphurnia88 · 31/05/2022 09:16

I've honestly never heard of PFB until Mumsnet but everytime I see it used I cringe for the person using it. I have a 10wo and honestly couldn't care less if someone thinks I'm PFB for putting my baby's health and wellbeing first.

That aside, I don't think it's 'precious' not to want a young baby to be put at risk of serious illness. Kissing on the lips puts baby at risk (especially if the person doing has a cold), and is entirely avoidable.

You've said a few times you have anxiety OP - I think a lot of PP have jumped on this as the reason you don't want people to kiss baby on the lips, when there (quite frankly) obvious reasons not to. Plenty of people on here have said they don't want people to kiss their babies on the lips, and official guidance advises against it.

I would maybe stop using your anxiety as a way to justify completely rational concerns. You might think it helps softens the blow when you're asking someone not to do something, but (as you've found here) it could be used against you.

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I agree.

I think the term PFB which is an MN term, as I have never heard it in real life, is a tool to belittle new mothers and bully them.

If anyone had tried that term on me when my babies were young, they would have been put in their place very quickly.

The OP has a family of bullies and are looking for a reason to take offence and have a go at her.

She needs to step away from them and mind herself.

I think she sounds like a great mother.

Her nephew has two parents standing around while their child has a runny nose, they should be looking after him better.

A crusty nose on a child is pure laziness on behalf of BOTH parents.

agent765 · 31/05/2022 15:30

My MIL kissed my DD on the lips when she was a newborn. The next day I could see my MIL had started developing a cold sore.

I'm pretty sure my DD has suffered from cold sores all her life due to this.

YANBU