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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Won’t let nephew kiss baby

237 replies

cm1010 · 29/05/2022 19:06

I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable here and if I have a reason to be upset. I went to the zoo today with my parents, other half, sister, her other half and their three year old son and my five month old daughter. My nephew loves his cousin but likes to try and kiss her which I don't like. Today he went to kiss her on the lips whilst my mum was holding her so I put my hand on his shoulder to prevent him getting closer (he always has a cough and a runny nose) and I told him to kiss her on her hair instead (where I wipe straight afterwards) so my nephews dad then mumbled 'he's just a kid no need to push him' which he didn't say to my face but so I could hear. My nephew wasn't upset but this upset me because I feel I have every right to protect my baby and I did not push him away I simply put my hand on him to stop him touching her lips. My sister also asked why he's not allowed to kiss her on the lips. I was having a lovely day but it kind of ruined it for me :(

OP posts:
CrazyCatLover · 29/05/2022 23:32

I have a few paediatrician friends and they don’t even kiss their children on the lips… said they have seen too many bad cases. So YANBU.

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 29/05/2022 23:38

@cm1010 I was like this too when my DS was in his earlier months but honestly. She's going to catch everything going I'm afraid regardless of any kisses off her cousins or not. My DS is now a 14 month old and it's looks he has a cold or a viral infection every other month at the moment honest.

My nieces try to kiss my DS sometimes I just say on the head sweetheart that's where we kiss him. More often that not they've kissed him on his cheek or near his mouth before I have chance to say it anyway and he's getting that many colds at the moment as it is from nursery that I give up now 🫣 he's probably giving them colds by now.

Try not to push the nephew away too much, the parents will resent this and you'll know what I mean if you sister has another baby in a couple years and they're like this with your DD.

I understand where you're coming from but It's inevitable that she will catch colds etc.. at least he's loving her and not being mean ☺️

Original poster
cm1010 · 29/05/2022 23:38

I don’t even kiss my own baby on the lips either!

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 29/05/2022 23:41

as I’m sure if she could let me know if she’d rather have snot on her face or not, she’d tell me she doesn’t want it on her face!
That's very true.
Make it a rule going forward.
I remember reading a story about a baby who died after contracting herpesvirus before I had DC it has always been a no no from me.

Original poster
cm1010 · 29/05/2022 23:44

I know one day she’s going to get colds etc as she’s going to nursery in September but I worry as I was unable to breastfeed so she hasn’t had any immunity passed on.. Today was the first day I had to intervene but my main concern was being accused of pushing him when that’s not what I had done, this is what upset me the most but I shouldn’t expect any less from my BIL as he’s managed to push both of his sisters away after they’ve had children and now won’t speak to him!

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 29/05/2022 23:51

cm1010 · 29/05/2022 23:44

I know one day she’s going to get colds etc as she’s going to nursery in September but I worry as I was unable to breastfeed so she hasn’t had any immunity passed on.. Today was the first day I had to intervene but my main concern was being accused of pushing him when that’s not what I had done, this is what upset me the most but I shouldn’t expect any less from my BIL as he’s managed to push both of his sisters away after they’ve had children and now won’t speak to him!

Tbh you don't actually know what's happened between your bil and his own family, thats not your business.
You've taken the comment about pushing too personally, maybe that's what it looked like. Either way you stopped his son by placing a hand on him to block him. I can see why he made a comment about him just being a kid, he's thinking of his kid the way you are yours.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 29/05/2022 23:56

if she’s not unreasonable to not want the lip kiss, what exactly should she have done in that moment when he was lunging towards baby a
ignoring her requests to stop and her mother was holding the baby and not moving it?
What exactly should have done to prevent the kids?

Moved the baby from either left to right or place hand across baby blocking nephew, or stand up or call out to parents to parent DC as he started the process, assuming he didn't charge like a rocket or isn't 6 foot tall there was plenty of ways to avoid him without physically touching him.

Would OP be comfortable if the situation was reversed and someone gently pushed DD age 3?

I said OP was not unreasonable for the kiss, swbu for making physical contact with another DC.

Original poster
cm1010 · 29/05/2022 23:58

If my sister put her hand on my daughter (her niece) in a gentle manner to move her away I would not have an issue as she has already done this whilst my little one has grabbed some of her clean washing off the table..

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 29/05/2022 23:58

ignoring her requests to stop and her mother was holding the baby and not moving it? Reach over removing baby once first requests were ignored.

Polyanne · 30/05/2022 00:00

Nobody should be kissing anyone on the lips. I’d be less concerned about flu germs than about herpes. Herpes is incurable and can kill babies.

Original poster
cm1010 · 30/05/2022 00:12

Exactly this! Unfortunately my sister isn’t ‘danger aware’ and never has been!

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 30/05/2022 00:13

I wouldn't worry op. OF COURSE you don't want ANYONE kissing your baby when they have a cold. Even if he's 3...who gives a shit that he's 3. A one second kiss could mean weeks of misery for bub. And putting your hand on your nephews shoulder is fine. I don't see in that circumstance what else you could have done, rugby tackle your mum out the way? I have a 2.5 year old and I would appreciate someone physically stopping him from making a baby sick.

Original poster
cm1010 · 30/05/2022 00:18

Exactly! I literally touched his shoulder, I also have a friends who’s baby is due in September and I already know my little one will not touch the baby whilst a newborn and if she’s ever sick, I’ll keep her well away! And if my little one crawls up to my friend baby if I leave the room, my friend is more than welcome to hold her back if it comes to it!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 30/05/2022 00:27

OK so you dislike BIL so ignore him. You know you didn't push nephew so let it go. Letting it get to you plays into his hands if he's trying to isolate his wife from you.

What did you say to sister when she asked? What did yo u say to nephew?

"don't kiss the baby Joe, you're all snotty. Your big boy germs might make Isla poorly cos she's only a little baby so if you let me wipe your nose you can give her a kiss in the head"

works better than
"you're just not allowed to".

Original poster
cm1010 · 30/05/2022 00:32

I simply told him not kiss her on her face but showed him where he can kiss her and let him kiss her there instead. When my sister asked I told her that it’s because it makes me have serious anxiety because she can get sick. I’ve never once told him he’s not allowed to do anything, I’ve always shown him how to cuddle her and where to kiss her

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 30/05/2022 01:22

You are not in the wrong. I don’t believe anyone should be kissing babies on the mouth except immediate family.

why doesn’t your dsis wipe your nephews nose???? I don’t care how good of parents they are, That is so gross to let him walk around like that. 🤢 I would never show up to meet someone without wiping my DDs face first, I just don’t understand it.

whumpthereitis · 30/05/2022 01:35

Not seeing the problem. You put a hand on his shoulder, you didn’t punt him into oncoming traffic.

With or without anxiety, it’s not outlandish to want to avoid a streaming cold being spread to your baby.

Penguinevere · 30/05/2022 03:52

You did nothing wrong op. You don’t need to justify it to posters here or your family either. Sometimes people get narky even if you did nothing wrong.

Ouchmytoe100 · 30/05/2022 06:06

Wiping the baby's head after the nephew kisses the baby is rude and unnecessary. You're being a bit PFB to be honest. You should talk to nephews parents about it and not manhandle their child.

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2022 06:23

I don’t think you did anything wrong either; maybe you should think about why you were low contact with them all and if you want to do that again

Calphurnia88 · 30/05/2022 07:27

Ouchmytoe100 · 30/05/2022 06:06

Wiping the baby's head after the nephew kisses the baby is rude and unnecessary. You're being a bit PFB to be honest. You should talk to nephews parents about it and not manhandle their child.

How is it rude and unnecessary to wipe another kid's snot off your baby's head? Or are you one of those 'cool mums' that would just leave it there?

I really really detest the term PFB, which I have only ever come across on MN. It always comes across incredibly patronising, especially since it's aimed at new mums who are trying their best to navigate their new responsibility and relationship. In this case however it's common sense not to want a 3 year old, who has a cold and is covered in snot, to kiss your 5mo baby on the lips, potentially passing on that cold (as well as being generally quite gross). Nothing PFB about it.

aSofaNearYou · 30/05/2022 07:46

I really really detest the term PFB, which I have only ever come across on MN. It always comes across incredibly patronising, especially since it's aimed at new mums who are trying their best to navigate their new responsibility and relationship. In this case however it's common sense not to want a 3 year old, who has a cold and is covered in snot, to kiss your 5mo baby on the lips, potentially passing on that cold (as well as being generally quite gross). Nothing PFB about it.

Completely agree, and I don't think people realise how easily this mockery can be flipped on it's head.

Just as easily as someone could tell someone like me I had PFB syndrome for not being willing to spend to the next one to two weeks nursing a sick baby just so their older child can do whatever they want, I could tell them they have Precious Older Child Syndrome for being too afraid to just say no to their child when they're doing something that obviously lacks common sense.

The amount of times I have seen people go on about how horribly cruel it is to ask a child not to clobber all over people when they're ill. Yet that's not precious at all?

And I say that as someone with a three year old.

Calphurnia88 · 30/05/2022 07:47

@cm1010 you're getting a hard time here, but it is MN (this is the second time I've used this line on here this week).

It's interesting that a lot of the posters who think you are being OTT for not wanting your snotty nephew to kiss your baby on the lips are also using words like 'grabbing' and 'manhandled' to describe how you touched his shoulder to prevent him kissing her, since his parents were clearly not going to do anything.

Some people just like to argue and exaggerate. I'm sure if you'd have posted from the POV of your DS/BIL the same people would be arguing that you need to do a better job of parenting your child (and not let him walk around with a snotty nose).

I wouldn't give it any further thought. Nephew wasn't manhandled. DD wasn't kissed. DS/BIL will have got the message.

MrsToothyBitch · 30/05/2022 08:20

I don't see what you did wrong at all! You stopped a snotty, germy little boy from kissing a very small baby with not much of an immune system on the mouth. You then wiped his revolting snot off before it dried and crusted. So far so normal. It sounds like you made the gentlest intervention that would actually be effective in a very quick time frame, too. I've had to take hold of DPs 1yo niece's hands at the wrist or her arms and move them before; she likes fiddling with my jewellery and tries to pull it off me when I'm wearing it. I've also had to grab her to stop her toddling into the road when waiting to go in her car seat. In return she sneezed into my open mouth when she had a very bad cold. I was in bed with it, feeling fluey within 48h. She could've made a smaller baby very poorly with that. I've also seen her very ill with Covid at 2 months old- infected by people who prioritised their wants and "right" to see her and touch and kiss her despite knowing they very likely had c19 and not saying- and bullying her mum.

I don't think anyone should kiss babies. I would have immediately wiped snot off too- and blown your nephew's nose for good measure. From what you've said, your nephew sounds like a sweet, normal 3 yo, your sister sounds reasonable if a bit relaxed on discipline. Your BIL sounds like he's permanently spoiling for a fight. He'll always be an opposite force.

I also have (diagnosed) anxiety. I know you are trying to tell people how you feel but I would honestly recommend avoiding the A word- it sounds like your family already overstep and minimise your feelings/ignore you. IME people hear it, treat anything you say as an "over reaction" because of the anxiety and will try to steam roller your boundaries, feelings and attempts to advocate for yourself even when they're doing something no one would agree to, anxiety or not or you're asking for something v normal. Even if they know you're likely anxious, I find I sound more fierce and tough and like I'm not to be messed with if I don't bring it up. Might make you seem more assertive/in control and calm.

billy1966 · 30/05/2022 08:27

aSofaNearYou · 30/05/2022 07:46

I really really detest the term PFB, which I have only ever come across on MN. It always comes across incredibly patronising, especially since it's aimed at new mums who are trying their best to navigate their new responsibility and relationship. In this case however it's common sense not to want a 3 year old, who has a cold and is covered in snot, to kiss your 5mo baby on the lips, potentially passing on that cold (as well as being generally quite gross). Nothing PFB about it.

Completely agree, and I don't think people realise how easily this mockery can be flipped on it's head.

Just as easily as someone could tell someone like me I had PFB syndrome for not being willing to spend to the next one to two weeks nursing a sick baby just so their older child can do whatever they want, I could tell them they have Precious Older Child Syndrome for being too afraid to just say no to their child when they're doing something that obviously lacks common sense.

The amount of times I have seen people go on about how horribly cruel it is to ask a child not to clobber all over people when they're ill. Yet that's not precious at all?

And I say that as someone with a three year old.

Agree.

I can't stand parents who think THEIR child wanting to do something trumps everything, even something as obvious as keeping a baby reasonable safe from unnecessary germs.

Its a new thing because anyone with half a brain would not have done this when my children were small.

I completely don't get the kissing babies on the lips either, so unnecessary.

OP your BIL is a twit with his PA remarks.

YANBU in the least.