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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is Best Friend ignoring me 🤔

295 replies

Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 21:30

Hi I have a best friend whom I’ve been friends with for years now however lately past 3 months she ignores me as in leaves me on read & will reply back 2-3 days later saying she was busy & when I’ve said to meet up (always me that initiates the meet ups never has been her) she always says she’s working or let’s me down last min on the actual day - could this be the end of our friendship? Not sure how to address this with her as I really do want to bring this to her attention without her thinking I’m being clingy if that makes sense

OP posts:
BoDerek · 28/05/2022 23:34

If she is regularly on social media with other friends and not answering your messages then no, you are not her best friend. In fact, you are not really in her circle any more.

You could message/call to ask her why but I think she has been very clear with you that she is too busy/tired/whatever to meet up with you. She hasn’t added “you are further down my list of priorities than most people/things in my life” but that is the subtext.

You need to accept that. Continually messaging her won’t change it.

BadWolf2022 · 28/05/2022 23:38

I wouldn't even message her op. You just need to learn to accept it. Go get some ice cream.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 23:45

I just feel that I deserve a explanation as we was best friends for many years

OP posts:
Pickabearanybear · 28/05/2022 23:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

HairyBum · 28/05/2022 23:54

This might not be about you at all. This might just be her feeling a bit overwhelmed generally or like she’s juggling lots of balls. Or she might just have gone off of social media, enjoying reading but

personally I rarely respond to texts or WhatsApp’s immediately, I usually leave them a day or four. It’s not like a phone call which required immediate interaction

XelaM · 29/05/2022 00:02

OP - could she have an unhappy romance/be depressed? When I was in a very unhappy love situation with a colleague I had to see every day at work and plus I hated my actual job - everything seemed so bleak and horrific that I really couldn't face being chatty or even respond to messages from closest friends. Same when I fall into a bit of a depressive-type mindset.

ClaryFairchild · 29/05/2022 00:08

Who let your catch ups drift to once every 3 or so months?

Because someone I see that rarely for no real reason (eg live too far away to see more often) I'm not going to spend a lot of time messaging frequently.

You keep saying "best friend" - like it's an unchangeable fact - you WERE best friends who did loads of things together, now you're not. Now your friendly acquaintances who USED to be best friends and who would have a lark together if you happened to be at the same place at the same time.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 29/05/2022 00:12

When I say best friends I mean we was best friends for 10 years roughly, messaging/meeting up when we could but past 3 months she’s been messaging less/wanting to meet up less often & always cancelling last min

OP posts:
nometo4 · 29/05/2022 00:16

These things are almost always because of things going on in the person's life that you don't know about.

cockadooodledoo · 29/05/2022 00:21

I would contact her and say

Is everything ok? You seem distant at the moment. Hope you are alright.

Don't go in all guns blazing or making it about you, she might have a lot on her plate,

BoDerek · 29/05/2022 00:22

Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 23:45

I just feel that I deserve a explanation as we was best friends for many years

I understand that but it would be unwise to keep pushing because clearly she does not want to hear from you. Forcing it will make it worse.

Mellowyellow222 · 29/05/2022 00:30

friendships change, and end.

you might never know why. But I always think it’s best to end things with some dignity.

if you stopped texting her would you ever hear from her again? Maybe send one last message saying hope everything is okay. Get in touch if you need any to chat.

then leave it - ball us in her court. No pressure, no daily texts.

I did this with a friend about five years ago - haven’t heard from her since. I still feel sad about it. But our lives went in different directions. And that’s okay.

Felicity42 · 29/05/2022 00:30

I wouldn't 'confront' her in a WhatsApp or text message. What do you hope to gain by demanding an answer from her? She may be suffering anxiety so she might agree to meet but then when the time comes she doesn't feel up to seeing anyone. Just text less often maybe? You can't make someone be 'more' friends with you by making demands on them.

Frazzledmummy123 · 29/05/2022 00:33

Personally, I would leave her be and the ball is in her court now to get in touch and make an effort. If she wants to, she will. Yes, you probably do deserve an explanation, but I think it might make things awkward and worse if you say anything. She might lie to ease the awkwardness, actions speak louder than words.

It is rotten, and hurtful so it is understandable you are feeling hurt and bothered by how she's been with you. However, I think you'll get your answer by leaving it and seeing what happens.

yesterdaytheycame · 29/05/2022 01:54

I don't think you're best friends, sorry. If my best friend did this I'd be kicking her door down and she'd understand why too.

myammus · 29/05/2022 02:04

yesterdaytheycame · 29/05/2022 01:54

I don't think you're best friends, sorry. If my best friend did this I'd be kicking her door down and she'd understand why too.

I was going to say this. But I find it hard to imagine that OP has just…made up being best friends with this woman for 10 years. So it seems more likely that she’s correct in thinking she’s being phased out. which is horrible but there’s not much you can do about it if that’s what’s happening. It seems really unfair (because it is) but I doubt you’ll get a straight answer if you ask her for an explanation

Meraas · 29/05/2022 02:14

OP, you seem to have decided what makes ‘best friends’ and expect your friend to fulfil her side of the contract.

She doesn’t have to message 2/3 times a week or meet up regularly because ‘that’s what best friends do’.

It does sound claustrophobic. Your husband is right, don’t message and see her reaction.

BoDerek · 29/05/2022 02:51

Meraas · 29/05/2022 02:14

OP, you seem to have decided what makes ‘best friends’ and expect your friend to fulfil her side of the contract.

She doesn’t have to message 2/3 times a week or meet up regularly because ‘that’s what best friends do’.

It does sound claustrophobic. Your husband is right, don’t message and see her reaction.

Yeah, you do sound very rigid in your thinking and expectations.

Ncncncnchange · 29/05/2022 05:14

NC as possibly outting
Sorry to hear this OP. As someone who is currently distancing themselves a little from a best friend, I can give you my perspective on things.
My best friend messages me a hell of a lot. As a FT working mum of 4 with an incompetent DH, a house to run, other friends to catch up with, my own hobbies and elderly parents to care for, I find it hard to keep up with/reply to all the messages. I have no idea how BF has the time/energy to message as much. Lately when I see a message from her pop up I feel disheartened as I know there's an expectation to send a reply as soon as I've read it.
She regularly wants to spend whole days with me and the weekend. It's not that I don't want to see her, but the weekends are my only 2 days off. My time to either enjoy being at home or doing nothing or doing my hobbies or being with my 4 DC. I don't want to traipse around the shops all day on a Saturday. I couldn't think of anything worse. She loves it. She has every Saturday free when her DC go to their dads and she HAS to be doing something, anything, with anyone, on these days off. She cannot bear to be alone.
The takeaway from all this is that she most likely still wants to be close friends with you but maybe she also wants some more time alone/quiet time/down time.

Hth's
Xx

Ncncncnchange · 29/05/2022 05:22

Also to add. Im going through a strange 'I don't want to see anyone' phase. I was always the party girl, now I'm happy at home. BF is still that party girl in many ways. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe I've grown up. Maybe there's another unknown reason. Maybe its the pre-menopause.
I really don't know. Could your friend be going through the same ?

BalloonsAndWhistles · 29/05/2022 08:22

Sorry to say it but I think she’s just not that into you. I had a friend do this to me and to this day I still don’t know why 🤷‍♀️

Our FB memories come up still from our younger years and we were such good buddies, plus before then in sixth form. The only thing I can put it down to is jealousy. She’d been with her bloke for about 8 years at the time, desperate for him to propose. I was always the sad single friend with a pathetic dating story to tell and (looking back) she seemed to love lording it over me.

Anyhow, I got back together with my first teenage love and he proposed within a year and we were married in just over two. We’ve now been married nearly 5 years, whilst she’s been with her bloke for probably 15 years without a sniff of an engagement ring. Sad really, I’d have been so chuffed for her if she’d have got engaged.

Could there be anything similar?

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 29/05/2022 10:00

Well this week I’ve only messaged her once that was on Tuesday and she’s not even got back to me apart from left me on read & I messaged her “hi hope all is good with you”

OP posts:
BadWolf2022 · 29/05/2022 10:05

Safarigiraffe · 29/05/2022 10:00

Well this week I’ve only messaged her once that was on Tuesday and she’s not even got back to me apart from left me on read & I messaged her “hi hope all is good with you”

Yeah she's just not that into you I'm afraid. Just leave it op. Please don't message her demanding a answer about it, you'll just push her away further.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 29/05/2022 10:07

So basically as a best friend of 10 years I should just “forget” this friendship as she’s just phasing me out & I shouldn’t really kind of say “I’m gonna give you some distance as I know you been busy lately” or to that effect to see what she says

OP posts:
Amelion · 29/05/2022 10:11

It could be anything. I think the best approach is to ask her in a neutral way - “I’ve noticed you’ve been a bit quiet recently, and just wanted to check if everything is ok?”

I’ve had friends who’ve gone quiet and it’s always been because something stressful is happening to them. One friend recently was having health problems and when I checked in like this she told me.

It could be that’s she’s distancing herself but you just don’t know unless you ask.