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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is Best Friend ignoring me 🤔

295 replies

Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 21:30

Hi I have a best friend whom I’ve been friends with for years now however lately past 3 months she ignores me as in leaves me on read & will reply back 2-3 days later saying she was busy & when I’ve said to meet up (always me that initiates the meet ups never has been her) she always says she’s working or let’s me down last min on the actual day - could this be the end of our friendship? Not sure how to address this with her as I really do want to bring this to her attention without her thinking I’m being clingy if that makes sense

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HereIfYouNeedMe · 28/05/2022 21:44

Maybe next time say 'it's a shame you can't make it again, is everything okay?' Or just outright ask her if everything is okay as you haven't seen her for a while.
It does seem odd she's not reaching out to rearrange when she's cancelled or been unavailable

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 21:46

I feel that she is ignoring me in a way as she never gets back to my messages and leaves me on read I really do want to message her to bring to her attention as well about the fact that she never messages me back

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Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 21:50

I said to her it be nice to meet up and do something next weekend and she said ok I let you know but then messaged me back sorry can’t make it I’m busy - didn’t reply back however not sure how to handle this either

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myammus · 28/05/2022 21:56

none of us know. ask her?

PatAndFrank · 28/05/2022 21:58

Has she a new “friend” or maybe she’s just feeling pissed off with life.
I’m not feeling very talkative to friends at the moment. I’ll come out of this way of feeling but I just need to be on my own in my own head and space for a while

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 22:00

Not sure how or what to say to her -
1 - Every-time I message you, it does seem
like you are ignoring me as you don’t message me back for 2-3 days at most is everything ok?
2 - Are you ok lately is anything on your mind?
What would be the best one to say? I don’t like confrontations so want to keep it simple

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lemongreentea · 28/05/2022 22:00

how often do you message her, and how often do you want to meet up? Daily? Weekly?

could be that she cant/doesnt want to meet up as often as you. Could you still be friends if you meet her once ot twice a year or are you looking for friendship that is more intense than that.

sounds like she has different ideas about on how often she wants to be in touch with you. Probably cause you come across as being clingy. Stop messaging her and find other friends.

Dominuse · 28/05/2022 22:02

Ask her. I once asked on here and the advice I had was dump her. Instead I grabbed the bill by the horns and said something like ‘listen I really valued our friendship. But I understand if because if Covid etc you have reevaluated or want something different and want to drift apart - I just wanted to wish you the best. ‘ I left it on a voice Mail - mine was very wishing her no Ill and thanking her for being there in my younger days etc - she rang me Back immediately. She listened and now I’m glad I did as I know why she was ‘ghosting’ me and it wasn’t to do with me. Good luck - but I would ask

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 22:03

I message her maybe 2-3 times a week & only really we would meet maybe every 3 months or so. Maybe I am coming across as clingy from messaging her however it be nice to know her take on this too so should I confront her straight out to ask her or leave to see when she next messages me

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lemongreentea · 28/05/2022 22:09

2-3 times a week would be too much for me. But meeting 4 times a year sounds perfect. I like the idea of leaving a voicemail as pp has said.
but will you be ok if she says she would prefer less messaging.

I really think shes just busy, tired, ill, and not ignoring you intentiomally.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 22:13

We used to message each other 2-3 times a week however it’s only last 3 months that it seems like she’s ignoring my messages and not getting back to me

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Blinkingheckythump · 28/05/2022 22:14

I honestly don't think she's your best friend. It sounds like you're a fringe friend to her. I message my best friend daily, and close friends every few days. But I wouldn't leave any of them waiting more than a few hours for a reply unless something out of the ordinary was going on. And I would never say to any of them "I'll let you know about meeting up" and not follow that with a reason for why if I couldn't make it. Because doing it the war she has makes it seem like she had a better offer

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 22:14

I would be ok if she says less messaging however as best friends I want to know what she thinks as well so I know where I stand on this as before up until 3 months ago we was messaging 2-3 times a week

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Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 22:16

Should I message her and confront her about how she sees our friendship? Or just not bother at all

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BadWolf2022 · 28/05/2022 22:18

Oh god, I have someone who messages me daily thinking she's my best friend and won't seem to back off.
I think 2-3 times a week is a lot. She's an adult, she has a job, maybe family of her own?, her own problems and her own life. Who really has time to sit and reply to messages constantly.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 22:24

BadWolf2022 - we was best friends for many years we was always messaging/meeting up (I thought that’s what best friends do), she’s not message me back in over a week now & it’s been on/off like this past 3 months saying to meet up & letting me down

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Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 22:42

She is constantly online with her other friends/out with her other friends so I feel that in a way I am like a fringe friend & not seen as a best friend to her when over many years we had so much in common

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Astralis · 28/05/2022 22:48

It sounds like she might be trying to phase you out or she just wants a break from you.

Think about how her messages compare now to previously. When she does reply, are the messages short and functional, or long and chatty?

Either way, just send one message saying something like "I hope everything's okay, just get in touch when you're able to meet up and in the meantime, let me know if you need anything."

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 22:50

Before messages were long/chatty now they are very “short & sweet” type messages

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HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 28/05/2022 22:51

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh at all but how old are you? This sounds like the kind of questions I hear teens ask on the bus 'is xx my friend still cos she isn't replying....'.

You don't need to "confront" her about anything, but have you considered calling her rather than messaging?

I read a message then hear 'mummmmy' and get distracted and suddenly it's 2 days later and I remember I was going to reply to that message I got. Unless it's something really important I generally don't stop everything to reply to a 'hey bestie, how u doing?' Type generic message I figure it can wait till later.

It's entirely possible that you are drifting apart, it's also possible that she's just busy and doesn't think replying is urgent. The only way you'll know is to have a friendly conversation. Certainly don't go into it as a confrontation or you may as well just not bother and assume the friendship is over now.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 22:52

My husband thinks I shouldn’t even message her to see if she messages me however my daughter thinks I should ask her outright how she sees our friendship and take it from there what she says so I know where I stand

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Bjarnum · 28/05/2022 22:59

So sorry OP - she isn't interested in being your friend and is phasing you out.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 23:05

Should I ask her how she’s sees our friendship so I know where I stand?

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R0tational · 28/05/2022 23:06

Find new friends. Put focus elsewhwre..

And perhaps message saying "im gonna give you some space as you seem distant / busy these days. I hope everything is OK. I am always here for you..please also let me know if I have intentionally upset you.
Hugs. "
Then leave it.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 23:29

Will message her somewhere along the lines of that Tom - just feel very sad to think that as best friends (we did everything together) she sees me now as a “annoyance” “clingy” & wants to phase me out 😢

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