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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fed-up of non-drivers seeking lifts?

607 replies

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:03

Disclaimer: this post is not about people who for whatever reason — sight problems, epilepsy, disability, poverty etc — cannot drive. It's about people who could learn to drive but don't want to.

Earlier this week I had a knock at the door and it was a couple asking if I could lend them some gardening equipment. They're in the process of buying a property a few doors along from me. It's a probate sale and it's taking ages, so they'd come down (with the vendors' permission) to start tidying up the garden which has become quite overgrown. They wanted a rake and a spade and loppers 'Because it's difficult to carry a rake on the train'. I invited them in and made them tea while I went to unlock the shed and find the tools. Turns out neither of them drive. He has a licence but found driving stressful and she prefers to be driven.

Our houses are a half-mile walk to a bus stop which isn't much fun when it's pouring with rain. I raised an eyebrow and asked if they cycle? Electric bikes are getting popular around here. We're 11 hilly miles from the nearest major town for shopping and transport links. No, they don't cycle. Long silence. I said that was a pity: taxis were very expensive because they had to come out from the town. She said that they have very nice neighbours where they currently live and they help out with lifts. Apparently the nice neighbours had run these two to the station that morning and would pick them up on their return. And then she asked 'I don't suppose you'd be going into town around 4pm, would you?' Fortunately I had a full afternoon's zoom meeting booked and showed them my diary. My partner and I try to be good neighbours but surely this was a very large red flag?

Next week I'm going to a book festival. I'm going in the camper van my partner and I share. A friend who doesn't drive is coming by train and will be travelling with a tent and camping gear. We arranged that I would be at Hereford station to pick her and her gear up at a certain time. It was planned to give us time to drive to the festival campsite and then for me to go and attend one of the events, which I've booked and paid for in advance. Today she's contacted me to say that she can't get anyone to give her a lift to the station at her end in order to catch the train required. Someone can give her a lift later to the station later in the morning, so she'll be arriving in Hereford two hours later than planned. She still expects me to pick her up from Hereford. I've told her she'll have to catch the bus from Hereford and she's responded that she has far too much gear to get on a bus. She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around.

In August my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend are coming to stay. They hope to go walking in the area and to visit several out-of-the-way places. They live in London and don't drive. It's become clear while we've been making arrangements that if they're to do half of what they've planned, I'll need to ferry them around almost every day. They're my relatives, they're here for a week and I'll do it without grumbling. But they'd have far more freedom and independence if they learned to drive and could hire a car for a week.

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

OP posts:
TigerRag · 28/05/2022 12:07

I don't understand your neighbours - surely if you're picking something up, you should be the one making arrangements on how you'll get it home and not assume that your neighbour will do it?

Trulyweird1 · 28/05/2022 12:10

I would not go as far as to say all eligible adults SHOULD learn to drive, but I would say that, if the choose not to, then they absolutely should not rely on others to give them lifts. They should plan to cycle, walk, whatever , and arrange their lives and activities around their transportation needs.
I do think a lack of driving licence can limit opportunities, whether they be work or leisure.
As for your friend who fancies herself as a green campaigner or whatever, well clearly she’s a hypocrite.
You have my sympathies. DH has a family member like this who tells me ‘people feel good about giving lifts’ 🙄

RhodaDendron · 28/05/2022 12:11

Yanbu! I’m a nervous driver and I hate it - I’ve practised as much as possible but I still make plans to avoid it and it’s completely possible to do this without inconveniencing others.
I feel stressed at the mere thought of your neighbours. And your friend needs to look into taxis!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/05/2022 12:11

Do you really want all those people who dislike driving so much, they don't do it, don't have up to date experience, geographical knowledge or even an awareness of changes in driving law, all piling into hire cars for 1-2 days a year and going on the roads?

It would be Sunday morning drivers multiplied a thousandfold.

Darkstar4855 · 28/05/2022 12:12

YABU to expect people to drive.

YANBU not to give lifts if it’s not convenient, and people shouldn’t be expecting that you will. That would really annoy me.

I wouldn’t have loaned out my gardening equipment to the new neighbours either. Total CF behaviour to come to do the garden and just assume a stranger will lend you their tools.

Theeyeballsinthefuckingsky · 28/05/2022 12:13

I can’t drive. I’d love to be able too but I’m absolutely completely & utterly terrible at it. I’ve failed 5 tests. I just can’t master this “basic life skill” sorry for being such a failure!

I loathe asking ppl for lifts. I’d rather walk, get the bus, taxi, anything. I can’t imagine having the nerve to ask a neighbour for a lift. The only person I ask is DH & even then it’s only if I have no other choice. I accept that my inability to drive is no one’s fault but mine & it’s not for other ppl to run around after me.

Sirzy · 28/05/2022 12:16

If people don’t drive that’s fine but it’s exceptionally cheeky to expect a new neighbour you have never met to play taxi, or to expect a friend to change her holiday plans around it.

I will always offer a lift if I can but I wouldn’t give one to people who expect it

AmyandPhilipfan · 28/05/2022 12:17

I think you’re unreasonable to say that all adults should learn to drive, whether they want to
or not, but you’re not unreasonable to be annoyed about non driving adults taking the piss and expecting drivers to be at their beck and call.

I don’t drive. My husband does and I have toyed with the idea but I’ve never felt like I needed to. But I wouldn’t move miles from anywhere and expect neighbours to keep giving me lifts to places. When we bought our house a couple
of years ago I made sure it was walkable
to the city centre and also very near bus routes to loads of places. I buy a weekly bus pass and go all over the place. If I’m running late to get somewhere then I wouldn’t ask a neighbour - I’d book a taxi. The only person I ask for lifts is my husband, but that’s normally when I want to take our children places and I think it’s fair enough that he pitches in with lifts for that! But if he’s at work I take them places on public transport.

BlackberrySky · 28/05/2022 12:20

It really annoys me when people who claim they "don't need to drive" are constant asking for lifts. I would find it such a curtailment of my independence if I had to rely on other people to get about. I suppose I mind less if they're happy using public transport but many don't seem to be. As for your new neighbours OP, be very clear from the get go that you don't do lifts so they will need to make alternative arrangements from day 1.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 28/05/2022 12:21

You'll never see those tools again.

Your neighbours are parasites and they consider you to be their new host. Congratulations! I bet you're thrilled 🙄

TheChippendenSpook · 28/05/2022 12:21

Theeyeballsinthefuckingsky · 28/05/2022 12:13

I can’t drive. I’d love to be able too but I’m absolutely completely & utterly terrible at it. I’ve failed 5 tests. I just can’t master this “basic life skill” sorry for being such a failure!

I loathe asking ppl for lifts. I’d rather walk, get the bus, taxi, anything. I can’t imagine having the nerve to ask a neighbour for a lift. The only person I ask is DH & even then it’s only if I have no other choice. I accept that my inability to drive is no one’s fault but mine & it’s not for other ppl to run around after me.

Rescue remedy is your friend if you really want to do it. Trust me!

I also agree that you shouldn't have to drive if you don't want to but you really should be able to get by without relying on lifts.

abigailsnan · 28/05/2022 12:22

I would be very wary of the new neighbours give them a wide berth before they become a permanent pain in the backside talk about cheek.

I do not give lifts to anyone except an emergency situation,last week I had to have eye injections which required drops to my eyes so driving was out of the question and although I know good neighbours would give me a lift but I would not ask them and I got the local bus.

Momicrone · 28/05/2022 12:25

Completely agree, there are plenty of alternatives to cadging lifts off people all the time, taxis, buses, trains, bicycles

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/05/2022 12:25

I drive but currently don’t have a car (I take a train to work at the moment, and taxis if I need to) - I am enjoying not feeling the pressure to give or offer lifts to people! I certainly wouldn’t ask someone for a lift, not having your own transport is your own problem.

LesLavandes · 28/05/2022 12:26

You need to put your neighbours completely straight right now - that you don't do taxii rubs. That is awful

LesLavandes · 28/05/2022 12:26

Taxi runs!!! Sorry

Momicrone · 28/05/2022 12:27

Your camping friend could get a taxi to the station, or a taxi from station to festival

TitInATrance · 28/05/2022 12:28

I arrange my life around not asking for lifts, including gardening, holiday travel and hiking from obscure bus stops in out of the way places. Hate asking for lifts and almost never do, and half a mile walk to the bus stop is not even a consideration unless it’s very icy underfoot.

I find people can sometimes be quite persistent in offering lifts when I just want to be left to my own devices on the train, clearly they feel good about it but it’s a massive pita. One such in ten days time, so I’m definitely not imagining it.

If you don’t want to give lifts don’t make arrangements to do so, with friends or visitors. If you do make arrangements and someone is relying on you then you may need to be a little bit flexible.

Irritatedmum · 28/05/2022 12:29

What did you say to your friend who can’t get to the station until two hours late? And why can’t she get a taxi?

Cheerybigbottom · 28/05/2022 12:29

I don't drive, too nervous of my adhd attention span.

However I set my home/work/personal life up so that I have good access to public transport. Occasionally friends and acquaintances offer lifts and I always say no thank you AND be careful about offering lifts. Some people I know would jump at it, make it a re-occurring thing, not offer money and generally be a pita.
I've made a decision and I arrange my life around that.

This is not an annoying people who don't drive problem, it's specific to that lady and those like her. Plain old cheeky fucker problem

Momicrone · 28/05/2022 12:30

Leslavandes - taxi rubs may be a good business idea!

Chickychoccyegg · 28/05/2022 12:30

Your 3 examples are of complete cf's
There are lots of reasons people may not drive, my dh can, I can't, I've never been fussed and we never seemed to have the spare money anyway, and couldn't afford to run two cars.
I have never, ever relied on others to get me around though, I live in a small town with great train and bus links, and taxi services for other times.
If someone offers me a lift, that's kind of them, but I'd never ask or expect, I enjoy walking, and it's forced my kids to enjoy walking too, some of their friends can barely walk to the end of the street without moaning 😄

KarmaStar · 28/05/2022 12:31

Hi op,what struck me is that you showed your new neighbours to be your diary to prove you were busy.
They will latch into that as a ' weakness ' to saying a firm no.
You need to start saying that and not providing evidence to back it up.
No lifts for them at all,you give in once they will take advantage.
Tell your friend again,no you cannot collect her,she gets the earlier train and don't give in
Your nephew,give him certain days,times you can drop off and collect then say after that it's up to them.
Do not feel guilty.🌈💐

Momicrone · 28/05/2022 12:32

Titinatrance - I agree, people can be quite persistent in offering lifts as if they can't quite fathom how people can exist without cars

WeddingOnAShoeString · 28/05/2022 12:32

YANBU.

Non-drivers are a complete PITA to make plans with. We have no train station where I live and the nearest one in the next town is a 20 minute drive. To get to it from anywhere you have to go in and out of London again. It’s a huge faff.

Neither my brother nor his girlfriend drive and making arrangements for them to participate in events always involves a convoluted set of arrangements for someone to pick them up and drop them off at various stations.

It took me a long time to learn to drive, it did not come naturally to me at all but I stuck at it and got my license because I am an adult who needs to be independent.