Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fed-up of non-drivers seeking lifts?

607 replies

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:03

Disclaimer: this post is not about people who for whatever reason — sight problems, epilepsy, disability, poverty etc — cannot drive. It's about people who could learn to drive but don't want to.

Earlier this week I had a knock at the door and it was a couple asking if I could lend them some gardening equipment. They're in the process of buying a property a few doors along from me. It's a probate sale and it's taking ages, so they'd come down (with the vendors' permission) to start tidying up the garden which has become quite overgrown. They wanted a rake and a spade and loppers 'Because it's difficult to carry a rake on the train'. I invited them in and made them tea while I went to unlock the shed and find the tools. Turns out neither of them drive. He has a licence but found driving stressful and she prefers to be driven.

Our houses are a half-mile walk to a bus stop which isn't much fun when it's pouring with rain. I raised an eyebrow and asked if they cycle? Electric bikes are getting popular around here. We're 11 hilly miles from the nearest major town for shopping and transport links. No, they don't cycle. Long silence. I said that was a pity: taxis were very expensive because they had to come out from the town. She said that they have very nice neighbours where they currently live and they help out with lifts. Apparently the nice neighbours had run these two to the station that morning and would pick them up on their return. And then she asked 'I don't suppose you'd be going into town around 4pm, would you?' Fortunately I had a full afternoon's zoom meeting booked and showed them my diary. My partner and I try to be good neighbours but surely this was a very large red flag?

Next week I'm going to a book festival. I'm going in the camper van my partner and I share. A friend who doesn't drive is coming by train and will be travelling with a tent and camping gear. We arranged that I would be at Hereford station to pick her and her gear up at a certain time. It was planned to give us time to drive to the festival campsite and then for me to go and attend one of the events, which I've booked and paid for in advance. Today she's contacted me to say that she can't get anyone to give her a lift to the station at her end in order to catch the train required. Someone can give her a lift later to the station later in the morning, so she'll be arriving in Hereford two hours later than planned. She still expects me to pick her up from Hereford. I've told her she'll have to catch the bus from Hereford and she's responded that she has far too much gear to get on a bus. She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around.

In August my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend are coming to stay. They hope to go walking in the area and to visit several out-of-the-way places. They live in London and don't drive. It's become clear while we've been making arrangements that if they're to do half of what they've planned, I'll need to ferry them around almost every day. They're my relatives, they're here for a week and I'll do it without grumbling. But they'd have far more freedom and independence if they learned to drive and could hire a car for a week.

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

OP posts:
Andylion · 28/05/2022 13:05

N and I ouldn’t have loaned out my gardening equipment to the new neighbours either. Total CF behaviour to come to do the garden and just assume a stranger will lend you their tools
**
And I wouldn’t have shown them my diary to prove that was busy. None of their business

perimenofertility · 28/05/2022 13:06

"It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of"
Learning to say "no" is also one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of. You obviously haven't mastered it yet, and it's something you clearly need to work on.

I don't drive, I manage perfectly well without it, but I often find people who do drive make false assumptions about how I will manage a journey and wrongly assume I will need a lift.

You invited your new neighbours in, who presumably you haven't met before, and showed them your diary to prove you had a meeting and couldn't give them a lift? Be serious.
"I don't suppose you are going into town later?" No I'm not.
"I have too much gear to carry on a bus will you pick me up later?" No I can't.
"It's become clear while we've been making arrangements that if they're to do half of what they've planned, I'll need to ferry them around almost every day." So you are helping them make arrangements that you know that cannot do without you giving them lifts? Either leave them to make their own plans, or help them make plans that they can manage themselves without you driving, or give them a lift somewhere "without grumbling" as you claim you will.

Kanaloa · 28/05/2022 13:06

Disclaimer: this post is not about people who for whatever reason — sight problems, epilepsy, disability, poverty etc — cannot drive. It's about people who could learn to drive but don't want to.

It’s not really about people who don’t want to learn how to drive. It’s about people who feel entitled to ask you to drive them places. If any of my neighbours knocked my door asking for lifts here or there I’d just say ‘haha no I’m not doing lifts - do you need a taxi number?’ There will always be cheeky people who want something from you. Whether that be free babysitting, lifts around town etc. Just say no.

Plenty of people don’t drive and don’t want to - most of them don’t expect others to drive them places.

TheLightYears · 28/05/2022 13:08

XenoBitch · 28/05/2022 12:47

YABU
This issue here is not people that refuse to learn to drive. It is you being unable to set boundaries and say no.

Was just about to say this.
You handed over tools and invited strangers into your house ?
Are you mad?

I would have greeted them and suggested them looking into the shed for tools but not handed over my own.
All the hinting about neighbours who give them lifts would be shut down and a firm no Im not going into town at 4pm.
They are testing the waters Op
CFers!

godmum56 · 28/05/2022 13:08

never mind the non driving why did you lend them tools?

Kanaloa · 28/05/2022 13:09

LindaEllen · 28/05/2022 12:50

YANBU.

I support people's decisions 100% not to learn to drive if they don't want to, but then it's up to them to get themselves from a to b.

We're having this issue with DP's son at the moment, who is almost 19. He started learning to drive (paid for by us) and is supposed to be carrying on this summer when he gets back from uni, as we still have lessons left from the block we paid for.

He's complaining about it, saying he doesn't understand why he needs to drive - we've said he'll thank us for it when he graduates and is looking for jobs. We're paying for his lessons, we've said as soon as he passes we will sign DP's car over to him (which is a decent car!), he's got everything on a plate. But he doesn't want to do it.

He worked at McDonald's last summer, which included early mornings and late finishes, meaning he needs a lift (or pay for a taxi - guess which he chooses?) and he's going back there this summer too. Just assuming that yes, me or DP will get up at 5.30 to get him in for 6, or that we'll stay up until midnight to pick up him at the end of the shift when he's on a late. We have our own jobs to get to, and he had the option of getting his driving done last summer (my family member is teaching him and offered an intense course to get him passed before uni - he did his theory).

It's fucking annoying, knowing that we will have to ferry him places, paying for the petrol to do so, because he would rather sit on his computer in his spare time instead of learning to drive - which he's not being asked to pay a single penny for.

Isn’t that just you and your husband being prime time wet lettuces though? You don’t ‘have to’ ferry him places - you choose to. If he doesn’t want to do driving lessons I’d stop paying for them pronto. And then if he asks for a lift to work say no get yourself there. When he is looking for work he’ll pay his own driving lessons.

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 13:10

GreatCuppa · 28/05/2022 12:41

I grew up in Herefordshire. The first thing we all did was learn to drive…

I don't suppose you're anywhere near Hereford station and fancy running someone out to Hay mid-week? Joking, obviously.

Interested to hear the number of people who don't feel they'd be good drivers. I know it took my mum several goes to pass her test, perhaps because she did it later in life, without the confidence of the clueless 17-year-old! Like all skills you get better with practice.

Just to clarify, in this area if you're dependent on local buses you have to plan your life around them. People have to turn down jobs because they can't get to work in time on public transport. I can drive into town in around 20 minutes. The bus takes 70 minutes because it meanders through all the other villages. It's not alike a big town or city where there's another bus along in 10 minutes.

The new neighbours did return the gardening tools. Running off with a rake on the bus is a bit tricky. The house they are buying is currently empty (the previous owner died and it's in probate) and they only had access to the garden. My partner and I are going to be live very busy lives and limit our availability to medical emergencies only.

My camping friend is tight (known for it) and won't spend money on taxis unless there's an emergency. A number of people here have mentioned relying on taxis. Where I live you have to book a taxi well in advance if you want to guarantee getting anywhere on time. You can't just phone and expect one to turn up shortly. I don't think where I live counts as really rural, but even in semi-rural areas like this getting around can be complicated. You couldn't, for example, go to the cinema or for dinner in the local town in the evening and get home on public transport. It's very different from living in a city.

OP posts:
museumum · 28/05/2022 13:10

Your new neighbours are just going to have to get used to the half mile walk to the bus. It’s not that far - ten minutes at most?

and the London couple clearly don’t have a need to drive at home. Even if they got a license they wouldn’t necessarily be confident in a hire car a few days a year at most. Why not send them a local taxi number and bus timetables so they can adjust their plans?

Kanaloa · 28/05/2022 13:13

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:40

I have toyed with the idea but I’ve never felt like I needed to.

I'm trying to get my head around this. I passed my test at 17, spurred on by my mum who'd learned to drive later in life and had found it difficult. She wanted me to have the freedom she missed out on till she was in her 42.

I bought an ancient Mini with the money I'd saved in a Saturday job and suddenly the world opened up for me. I could take myself off in my car and do things it had previously been impossible to do. I was able to go on trips with friends to places we wanted to explore. With a car we could get to the places that public transport didn't reach. I was able to go to the RSC in Stratford-on-Avon and camp in a tiny tent on a shoestring budget in order to see each season's plays. I could drive to the station and catch a train to London or another major city to go to gig, come back on the last train and be safely home in bed by 1am. I could get myself to university and back without having to bother my parents every time. I could help my gran and other older relatives out with lifts and deliveries. I had independence. I can't imagine not needing to drive.

I mean I can’t imagine not being able to refuse favours random neighbours ask me for. That’s your problem, not that other people can’t drive, but that you can’t say no to people.

dottiedodah · 28/05/2022 13:13

I think the new neighbours are a pair of CF frankly! Who on earth moves to a home and asks neighbours for a loan of their garden tools!FFS Why show them your diary ? If they call again ,say you cant loan tools as Partner doesnt like them being loaned /Mum has borrowed them /you need to do some weeding/ . As far as lifts go its a No No .No excuses ,you are busy. end of .Also who asks neighbours for lifts Id like to know .(probably got short shrift from immediate NDN)!

whynotwhatknot · 28/05/2022 13:14

I know how you feel op -and your neighbours or soon to be are cfs

you dont move somewhere middle of nowhere then expect people you dont know to give you lifts into the nearest town beyond cheeky

I would have just said i dont haven any tools sorry let them ask someone else

however living in london you really dont need to drive whatsoever-its too expensive parking/ congestion charge =and if you think you'll live there for the forseeable no need to learn either

Iamnotamermaid · 28/05/2022 13:14

It is the lack of responsibility and entitlement of people who do not drive but expect lifts which annoys me. Just because you can drive and have a car does not automatically make you a taxi driver.

Be careful of the new neighbours OP and establish firm boundaries early on. They will be on the lookout for a replacement taxi service once they have moved in.

Hawkins001 · 28/05/2022 13:16

I want to drive as I envision myself with my smart car zipping about, but it's the cost, and then if I did not own a car but could drive, I'd still be responsible for another's car.

BorisJohnsonsvomitbucket · 28/05/2022 13:16

I failed 6 tests. I get incredibly anxious when driving. I now walk, cycle, and take public transport. I think the nation is better off without me being on the road. I have an Ocado account. I get large items delivered. It's not difficult.

Hawkins001 · 28/05/2022 13:17

I like my current traveling arrangements as partly keeps me healthy and more active.

AdoraBell · 28/05/2022 13:19

I’ve read this to my DH. He’s still laughing at the CF neighbours. Stand your ground with them. Also, don’t show them your calendar again, it’s none of their business and they may use that to manipulate you.

Family, it’s okay if you enjoy going out with them, but it would be easier for them to have some independence.

Lasana · 28/05/2022 13:19

YABU to pander to them - especially your relatives, tell them you're able to drive them around on one day and they'll have to make their own arrangements the rest of the time.

Bunnycat101 · 28/05/2022 13:19

So I’d say neighbour plus train friend are being quite annoying but I don’t think the newphew is unreasonable. You just don’t need a car in the same way in London and if you’re out of practice tomorrow and it could be quite dangerous to just get a hire car in an unfamiliar place even with a license. When I moved out of London I needed to get refresher lessons as I was rubbish after a long break and my confidence was shot.

IRunbecauseILikeCake · 28/05/2022 13:19

Yanbu.
I don't drive. I have Dyspraxia and the idea terrifies me. However, I am settling in a place with good public transport nearby and within walking distance to a town for my shopping etc. I hate even relying on my DH for lifts and would rather be as independent as I can.

Gudbrand · 28/05/2022 13:19

As others have said, you just need to get firmer boundaries in place.
Start the way you mean to go on with the neighbours. No, you won't be giving them lifts. At all.
Camping friend - if she can get her stuff on the train, she can get it on a bus. I often go trekking with full camping gear, including tent, and have been to various places in the Alps and Scandinavia. I have never had a problem getting it on a bus (or train) anywhere. Yes, it can be bulky and heavy and awkward but it's not impossible. Stay firm with her. You can't pick her up at that time so she will need to make other arrangements.
Niece and nephew - tell them you don't have time to ferry them around all the time so they should make some alternative plans which can be done directly from where you live or are accessible by bus. And that you could drop them off on a couple of days (or whatever boundary you want to set).

I don't agree with you that everyone should drive. It's not necessary for people living in larger cities with good public transport access to drive and in fact having a car could actually be very inconvenient, depending on location, parking, whatever.
BUT if people are going to choose not to drive for whatever reason (eg. environmental concerns, nervous about driving, financial reasons) then they need to choose somewhere to live which has good public transport links to work and shops, or is in walking distance of a supermarket, or they need to shop online etcetc. No idea why your neighbours who don't/won't drive think it's appropriate to buy a property which doesn't have good transport links and they have to somehow get 11 miles into the nearest town if they want to do anything. Absolutely ridiculous choice of property for non-drivers and most non-drivers would not buy somewhere like that.
I didn't drive until my mid 30s and then I chose to because I did want to live somewhere more rural. Up to that point I had lived in cities and was able to get wherever I wanted by public transport or walking. Sometimes people did offer lifts but I didn't ask.

Bunnycat101 · 28/05/2022 13:20

But Also definitely have boundaries and say no if it’s not convenient to give lifts.

wallpoppy · 28/05/2022 13:20

I drive and have lots of non-driving friends and have literally never had this happen. I have to practically bully my friends into LETTING me help them out - a friend was going to pay £40 to a man with a van to pick something up for her from a charity shop that easily fit into my estate and we nearly had an argument about it before I convinced her I absolutely didn't mind driving her and actually would enjoy the chance to spend some time with her. Another friend was moving between rental houses with a bit of overlap (both old and new place within a mile of me) and I told her 100 times that I would happily help her run a few loads of things between her old and new place, and still I caught her TWICE struggling down the street laden with three or four overstuffed Ikea bags.

I'm happy to help people who don't drive. Whether they are less financially privileged than me and can't afford to run a car, or they don't drive for environmental reasons, or they have mental health or physical health reasons why they can't drive - or any combination of these.

BorisJohnsonsvomitbucket · 28/05/2022 13:22

I should add I live in London though, but I come from the middle of nowhere and appreciate it's not easy not to have a car sometimes. But I model everything around not driving including leisure time and holidays. It needs planning but can be done.

Op, I would take a tent on the bus.

Toddlerteaplease · 28/05/2022 13:27

The one none of contention in my parents otherwise long and happy marriage is that my mum doesn't drive. Despite her saying they would just get taxis, if anything happened to my dad. When he couldn't drive, guess who the taxi was?! However she's so adamant that she wouldn't be able to drive, she probably wouldn't be safe even if she learned.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/05/2022 13:28

Bit of a red flag there, IMO, in that you "showed them your diary" (presumably to show you were busy). Far from opening up something personal I'd just have said no, but them giving advance warning of posssible CF tendencies may be no bad thing since you can be on guard in future

Otherwise I agree; if you don't drive (and I can't myself - vision issues) you don't arrange your life in a way which involves leeching on others all the time