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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fed-up of non-drivers seeking lifts?

607 replies

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:03

Disclaimer: this post is not about people who for whatever reason — sight problems, epilepsy, disability, poverty etc — cannot drive. It's about people who could learn to drive but don't want to.

Earlier this week I had a knock at the door and it was a couple asking if I could lend them some gardening equipment. They're in the process of buying a property a few doors along from me. It's a probate sale and it's taking ages, so they'd come down (with the vendors' permission) to start tidying up the garden which has become quite overgrown. They wanted a rake and a spade and loppers 'Because it's difficult to carry a rake on the train'. I invited them in and made them tea while I went to unlock the shed and find the tools. Turns out neither of them drive. He has a licence but found driving stressful and she prefers to be driven.

Our houses are a half-mile walk to a bus stop which isn't much fun when it's pouring with rain. I raised an eyebrow and asked if they cycle? Electric bikes are getting popular around here. We're 11 hilly miles from the nearest major town for shopping and transport links. No, they don't cycle. Long silence. I said that was a pity: taxis were very expensive because they had to come out from the town. She said that they have very nice neighbours where they currently live and they help out with lifts. Apparently the nice neighbours had run these two to the station that morning and would pick them up on their return. And then she asked 'I don't suppose you'd be going into town around 4pm, would you?' Fortunately I had a full afternoon's zoom meeting booked and showed them my diary. My partner and I try to be good neighbours but surely this was a very large red flag?

Next week I'm going to a book festival. I'm going in the camper van my partner and I share. A friend who doesn't drive is coming by train and will be travelling with a tent and camping gear. We arranged that I would be at Hereford station to pick her and her gear up at a certain time. It was planned to give us time to drive to the festival campsite and then for me to go and attend one of the events, which I've booked and paid for in advance. Today she's contacted me to say that she can't get anyone to give her a lift to the station at her end in order to catch the train required. Someone can give her a lift later to the station later in the morning, so she'll be arriving in Hereford two hours later than planned. She still expects me to pick her up from Hereford. I've told her she'll have to catch the bus from Hereford and she's responded that she has far too much gear to get on a bus. She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around.

In August my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend are coming to stay. They hope to go walking in the area and to visit several out-of-the-way places. They live in London and don't drive. It's become clear while we've been making arrangements that if they're to do half of what they've planned, I'll need to ferry them around almost every day. They're my relatives, they're here for a week and I'll do it without grumbling. But they'd have far more freedom and independence if they learned to drive and could hire a car for a week.

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

OP posts:
Robinni · 06/06/2022 21:54

@BeyondMyWits

sorry forgot to tag you in previous post

BeyondMyWits · 07/06/2022 15:15

Robinni · 06/06/2022 21:54

@BeyondMyWits

sorry forgot to tag you in previous post

Thank you...

I think I just wanted to point out to all the drivers saying its selfish to not drive etc that they may well end up in the same boat anyhow. Not everyone gets to be allowed to be a driver forever.

(MIL will not be moving anywhere near me, and I will not be helping out. DH and BIL will be doing all that, she burned my bridges 20 years ago.)

Robinni · 07/06/2022 17:11

BeyondMyWits · 07/06/2022 15:15

Thank you...

I think I just wanted to point out to all the drivers saying its selfish to not drive etc that they may well end up in the same boat anyhow. Not everyone gets to be allowed to be a driver forever.

(MIL will not be moving anywhere near me, and I will not be helping out. DH and BIL will be doing all that, she burned my bridges 20 years ago.)

@BeyondMyWits

This is very true!! Drivers can’t go on forever. And everyone needs help at some point. Don’t throw stones in glass houses as the saying goes.

Sorry to hear MIL difficult, still I would get DH and his brother onto sorting something more suitable, as it can progress quickly and cause further stress (for you).

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 07/06/2022 17:39

BriOnly · 28/05/2022 15:42

Yes, learn to simply say no if it’s not convenient for you to give a lift (or you just don’t want to), and definitely don’t take it on yourself to be responsible for other people’s transport when they haven’t even asked!

This is primarily about boundaries and assertiveness, not about who can and can’t drive.

Spot on - it’s about boundaries.

Tessabelle74 · 29/11/2022 17:53

Ooooh your new neighbours are going to be regulars on here, I feel it in me waters 😬

MaryMollyPolly · 29/11/2022 17:57

Zombieeeeeeee

Hawkins001 · 29/11/2022 17:59

I understand your perspectives

BeautifulWar · 29/11/2022 18:04

Expecting a lift is cheeky.

I don't drive but don't expect anyone to get me anywhere. I live in a well connected area on public transport just outside London though and am happy to stump up for taxis if going father afield.

Wrinklydinkly · 29/11/2022 18:09

I don't drive, not because I don't want to,but because after 5 failed driving tests, and thousands of pounds down the drain, I've come to realize that I'm a congenital idiot. My husband drives me,or I bus cycle or walk. Or don't go anywhere. I read somewhere that if you fail the driving test more than 3 times,a psychological evaluation might be in order. It's demoralising when others make judgements about people who don't drive. My confidence has been knocked quite enough.

xJ0y · 29/11/2022 18:25

Another swipe at non drivers.
It's every second week.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 29/11/2022 20:01

xJ0y · 29/11/2022 18:25

Another swipe at non drivers.
It's every second week.

If only it were that rare…

darkwinterdays · 29/11/2022 20:26

Ahh another May zombie thread...Grin

Hawkins001 · 29/11/2022 20:28

darkwinterdays · 29/11/2022 20:26

Ahh another May zombie thread...Grin

But with this one the topic is timeless

darkwinterdays · 29/11/2022 20:36

Why create a new thread when you can just resurrect old ones 😂. I like the reuse \ recycle aspect to these threads which never die 👻

DetetectiveDouche · 29/11/2022 21:06

Wrinklydinkly · 29/11/2022 18:09

I don't drive, not because I don't want to,but because after 5 failed driving tests, and thousands of pounds down the drain, I've come to realize that I'm a congenital idiot. My husband drives me,or I bus cycle or walk. Or don't go anywhere. I read somewhere that if you fail the driving test more than 3 times,a psychological evaluation might be in order. It's demoralising when others make judgements about people who don't drive. My confidence has been knocked quite enough.

🧟‍♀️@Wrinklydinkly I passed on my 4th attempt nearly 30 years ago and have driven nearly every day since. I don’t enjoy it much and don’t do motorways. It’s a needs must thing.

I always think learning to drive is like having counselling in that you need to right instructor/counsellor.

It’s true, I could probably do with a psych assessment. Then and now! 😂

GoldenOmber · 29/11/2022 21:31

Can’t believe this thread got bumped again, when I’ve been waiting for one of you sods to give me a lift since May and you STILL haven’t turned up. Very selfish of you.

bramblebucket · 29/11/2022 21:43

I have never driven, I go everywhere by public transport currently visiting someone in hospital 3 times a week and NEVER ask for lifts and I live in a semi rural area. . I brought up two kids with no car. Please don't think we are all the same. Perhaps you need to pay attention to your boundaries - anyone knocking on my door to borrow tools when they haven't even moved in yet would have had a firm NO from me. Piss takers are piss takers whether they drive or not.

Gingernan · 30/11/2022 08:17

I don't drive, I've brought up my family mostly alone,fine without driving. I hate it when people assume I can't manage without lifts but if needs be I will pay for petrol or any expenses if we are out together.

Woahtherehoney · 30/11/2022 08:32

I drive and have done since I was 18 and couldn’t imagine not driving.

My brother on the other hand doesn’t (mainly because he can’t be bothered) - he’s 33 and still lives with my mum and relies on her driving him EVERYWHERE, even the 10 minute walk to work (I’ve had many many chats with my mum about saying no) he also rings me to pick him up and take him to work when it’s raining even though I have to drive past his work to get to his house 😩

JustDanceAddict · 30/11/2022 08:46

@DetetectiveDouche - likewise! If I didn’t have to drive, I wouldn’t! Unf my work is about an hour away by public transport/walk combo and it’s 20 min in car. I did do the combo in the warmer weather but not now (I am hybrid so not every day). Otherwise I use car 1-2 x week. More in winter than summer.

Miri13 · 30/11/2022 08:48

Agree with you. As regards the new neighbours, do not give them light as they will expect you to become their personal drivers. Cheeky sods, can’t stand this kind of behaviour 😠

Miri13 · 30/11/2022 08:49

*lift

TinkyWinkyRainbowHead · 30/11/2022 08:50

I was more 😮 😮 that two people just got on the train with the plan that they would ask strangers to borrow their tools! I wouldn’t lend ours out to anyone as it would probably set a precedent plus other people just never look after your things like they do their own. That’s just so cheeky!!

Murdoch1949 · 30/11/2022 09:58

Prepare for requests from your soon to be neighbours. Decline or you will have a lifetime of chauffeuring. They knew where the house was when they bought it.

xJ0y · 30/11/2022 11:35

My former colleague brought me to our payroll class twice a week for 12 weeks but I always appreciated it so much. I used to leave her a small pile of coins towards petrol. About 3 euro per evening. Not much but it was a 7 k round trip id guess.

We are friendly and do like each other. Id hate to think she resented driving me. I treated her to a meal out recently, not thinking of the l8fts, I just hadca voucher to a restaurant and we had a good catch up.
It is possible to accept lifts and not be a cheeky fekker🙏