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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fed-up of non-drivers seeking lifts?

607 replies

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:03

Disclaimer: this post is not about people who for whatever reason — sight problems, epilepsy, disability, poverty etc — cannot drive. It's about people who could learn to drive but don't want to.

Earlier this week I had a knock at the door and it was a couple asking if I could lend them some gardening equipment. They're in the process of buying a property a few doors along from me. It's a probate sale and it's taking ages, so they'd come down (with the vendors' permission) to start tidying up the garden which has become quite overgrown. They wanted a rake and a spade and loppers 'Because it's difficult to carry a rake on the train'. I invited them in and made them tea while I went to unlock the shed and find the tools. Turns out neither of them drive. He has a licence but found driving stressful and she prefers to be driven.

Our houses are a half-mile walk to a bus stop which isn't much fun when it's pouring with rain. I raised an eyebrow and asked if they cycle? Electric bikes are getting popular around here. We're 11 hilly miles from the nearest major town for shopping and transport links. No, they don't cycle. Long silence. I said that was a pity: taxis were very expensive because they had to come out from the town. She said that they have very nice neighbours where they currently live and they help out with lifts. Apparently the nice neighbours had run these two to the station that morning and would pick them up on their return. And then she asked 'I don't suppose you'd be going into town around 4pm, would you?' Fortunately I had a full afternoon's zoom meeting booked and showed them my diary. My partner and I try to be good neighbours but surely this was a very large red flag?

Next week I'm going to a book festival. I'm going in the camper van my partner and I share. A friend who doesn't drive is coming by train and will be travelling with a tent and camping gear. We arranged that I would be at Hereford station to pick her and her gear up at a certain time. It was planned to give us time to drive to the festival campsite and then for me to go and attend one of the events, which I've booked and paid for in advance. Today she's contacted me to say that she can't get anyone to give her a lift to the station at her end in order to catch the train required. Someone can give her a lift later to the station later in the morning, so she'll be arriving in Hereford two hours later than planned. She still expects me to pick her up from Hereford. I've told her she'll have to catch the bus from Hereford and she's responded that she has far too much gear to get on a bus. She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around.

In August my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend are coming to stay. They hope to go walking in the area and to visit several out-of-the-way places. They live in London and don't drive. It's become clear while we've been making arrangements that if they're to do half of what they've planned, I'll need to ferry them around almost every day. They're my relatives, they're here for a week and I'll do it without grumbling. But they'd have far more freedom and independence if they learned to drive and could hire a car for a week.

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 28/05/2022 12:33

In the situations you've outlined @GoldfinchTart you are most absolutely definitely not being unreasonable.

As for your family staying for the week, I'd earmark 2 of the days where you will ferry them around, one of the days when you'll drop them to the bus/train station and they can make their own way/plans from there and the rest of the time they are staying, your car and you are unavailable as you have plans (even if that's going to the local swimming pool/gym and it will be parked in the car park for the duration). If your family member can actually drive but just doesn't, can you put them on your insurance for the week perhaps?

I'm gobsmacked at the neighbours (to be, not even ones that have sealed the deal yet) coming and asking to borrow garden tools. Surely the person who owns the house could have left some out? That was really not your issue to resolve. I would have politely said "I'm sorry, you say you're buying the house 4 doors down from us but we really don't know you from Adam so you won't be offended if we don't loan you our expensive garden tools. I'd recommend talking to the vendor and finding out where they left their tools so you can use them." I don't know why you showed your diary to complete strangers.

Momicrone · 28/05/2022 12:34

Chickychoc, learning to drive doesn't mean you need 2 cars, just share the one surely

JustLyra · 28/05/2022 12:36

People who aren’t confident, lack spatial awareness or are just generally shit at driving shouldn’t drive imo. Nor should they be encouraged too.

That doesn’t mean, however, they should expect friends, family or neighbours to ferry them around constantly.

I hate driving. I take other modes of transport as much as possible. If I don’t want to drive somewhere and I can’t get there by other means then I don’t go. As it should be.

Momicrone · 28/05/2022 12:36

There's literally no way I'd be ferrying around a 28 year old nephew for a week, give him the local bus timetable or car hire places

Booklover3 · 28/05/2022 12:36

I would literally say to your neighbours that you won’t be doing that.

WeddingOnAShoeString · 28/05/2022 12:36

Theeyeballsinthefuckingsky · 28/05/2022 12:13

I can’t drive. I’d love to be able too but I’m absolutely completely & utterly terrible at it. I’ve failed 5 tests. I just can’t master this “basic life skill” sorry for being such a failure!

I loathe asking ppl for lifts. I’d rather walk, get the bus, taxi, anything. I can’t imagine having the nerve to ask a neighbour for a lift. The only person I ask is DH & even then it’s only if I have no other choice. I accept that my inability to drive is no one’s fault but mine & it’s not for other ppl to run around after me.

It took me a lot more than 5 - you should keep at it, it opens up your life and gives you freedom to live and work where you like

NeedAHoliday2021 · 28/05/2022 12:37

There have been so many threads on here recently where the op has an issue and posters provide solutions and the op then reveals they don’t drive, which makes their situation so much harder to deal with. It really does limit an individual’s life imo so unless there’s a medical reason i find it hard to fathom. But I do appreciate I’m far from the traditional wife whose husband drives us everywhere as I work full time and live where driving would limit me hugely (west country buses are awful). Central London without a car makes sense.

MzHz · 28/05/2022 12:37

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 28/05/2022 12:21

You'll never see those tools again.

Your neighbours are parasites and they consider you to be their new host. Congratulations! I bet you're thrilled 🙄

Thought the tools were moving in next door.. 😉🤣😂

puddingandsun · 28/05/2022 12:37

I have a driving licence. I don't drive. I'm not good at it and I know it and it would just be reckless for me to be behind the wheel.

A lot of people are not good at it, some of them admit it and walk to the bus station in the rain and some of them just fake it on the road, hoping they'll make it.

I don't ask anybody for lifts, but do think it's better for everybody if more people shared rides.

And if less people drove we would all have better public transport.

suckingonchillidogs · 28/05/2022 12:38

If you don't drive then you should plan your life accordingly. I live in a city with a train station close by, good taxis, I walk distances that my driver friends shudder at. I don't expect people to run (drive) around after me.

One thing that grates is being offered a lift which I don't want because when you say "thanks but I'm fine" a lot of times people get offended!

StrawberrySquash · 28/05/2022 12:38

They sound a bit cheeky. I live in London without a car, because you can here, but I do my best not to expect people to ferry me around. Obviously there are occasions where it's the only practical way to do something, and I have nice people who do give me lifts, but I hope they are freely given. Half a mile to the bus stop is nothing!

mrina · 28/05/2022 12:38

I can't help feeling that you're simply unable to say no when it's clearly inconvenient.

Coachwork · 28/05/2022 12:39

You've a potential CF on your hands with those neighbours. Make your stand now or you'll never be rid of them. People borrowing tools drives me mad too. Buy them, I had to.

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:40

I have toyed with the idea but I’ve never felt like I needed to.

I'm trying to get my head around this. I passed my test at 17, spurred on by my mum who'd learned to drive later in life and had found it difficult. She wanted me to have the freedom she missed out on till she was in her 42.

I bought an ancient Mini with the money I'd saved in a Saturday job and suddenly the world opened up for me. I could take myself off in my car and do things it had previously been impossible to do. I was able to go on trips with friends to places we wanted to explore. With a car we could get to the places that public transport didn't reach. I was able to go to the RSC in Stratford-on-Avon and camp in a tiny tent on a shoestring budget in order to see each season's plays. I could drive to the station and catch a train to London or another major city to go to gig, come back on the last train and be safely home in bed by 1am. I could get myself to university and back without having to bother my parents every time. I could help my gran and other older relatives out with lifts and deliveries. I had independence. I can't imagine not needing to drive.

OP posts:
GreatCuppa · 28/05/2022 12:41

I grew up in Herefordshire. The first thing we all did was learn to drive…

mrina · 28/05/2022 12:42

Why don't you just say no if it's inconvenient?

longtompot · 28/05/2022 12:42

I think on your shoes be annoyed with people who don't try and fit in with your plans, or expect you to drive them everywhere. Don't be annoyed with people who are capable of learning to drive but don't. I can't drive. I'm too scared to learn now and fear I would be more of a danger in the road. I do not expect anyone to give me a lift, even my dh, though for him it is no issue. I have always walked everywhere, and when younger, used the bus.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/05/2022 12:42

YANBU to not want to ferry people around.

YABU to say that driving is an essential life skill that all adults should have. It really depends on how good the public transport is where you live.

I cannot drive. I could learn if I wanted, but I don't want to. I am a single parent, so I do not have a partner to drive me around. I never, ever ask for lifts from anyone.

I'm currently at the airport ready for a holiday. I got here myself, with my luggage, on the train.

I don't have any friends or relatives that live anywhere that isn't accessible by public transport.

greatblueheron · 28/05/2022 12:43

Why on earth did you show them your diary to defend your 'no'???

You can just say no. I'd make it clear now that they'll be out of luck with you if they're moving and assuming you will be happy to start giving them lifts places. Not happening.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/05/2022 12:44

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:40

I have toyed with the idea but I’ve never felt like I needed to.

I'm trying to get my head around this. I passed my test at 17, spurred on by my mum who'd learned to drive later in life and had found it difficult. She wanted me to have the freedom she missed out on till she was in her 42.

I bought an ancient Mini with the money I'd saved in a Saturday job and suddenly the world opened up for me. I could take myself off in my car and do things it had previously been impossible to do. I was able to go on trips with friends to places we wanted to explore. With a car we could get to the places that public transport didn't reach. I was able to go to the RSC in Stratford-on-Avon and camp in a tiny tent on a shoestring budget in order to see each season's plays. I could drive to the station and catch a train to London or another major city to go to gig, come back on the last train and be safely home in bed by 1am. I could get myself to university and back without having to bother my parents every time. I could help my gran and other older relatives out with lifts and deliveries. I had independence. I can't imagine not needing to drive.

That's fine if that's what you want to do. I would rather die than go camping on a shoestring personally. And when I go to a gig I bloody want to have a drink, so even if I could drive I wouldn't.

Caspianberg · 28/05/2022 12:45

Oh god I agree. My parents have never driven. It just meant we never went anywhere that wasn’t on a bus route, and they always assume someone will give them a lift now.

I drive a small corsa. With Dh , myself and toddler, and pram needed it’s a squeeze.
My parents want to fly over to visit, then expect to both be picked up with luggage and driven 2hrs back from airport, plus driven around all the time they are here as they can’t walk up the hill to our house. So for 2 weeks even for a pint of milk I will need to take them.

I told them I won’t do it. They have said a train and taxi is too inconvenient so they can’t come. ( they have only seen Ds twice for an afternoon when we we t back to uk as it’s all too ‘inconvenient’ even if it’s a 15 min trip). Basically because they don’t drive.

blacksax · 28/05/2022 12:46

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/05/2022 12:11

Do you really want all those people who dislike driving so much, they don't do it, don't have up to date experience, geographical knowledge or even an awareness of changes in driving law, all piling into hire cars for 1-2 days a year and going on the roads?

It would be Sunday morning drivers multiplied a thousandfold.

No. The roads are chock full of fuckwits already.

People who decide not to drive need to make their own travel arrangements rather than expecting other people to ferry them about, that's all.
If they don't have the expense of running a vehicle, then they will have that saving available to be used for buses, trains and taxis, won't they?

balalake · 28/05/2022 12:46

Just politely decline if it is not convenient, and in good time.

You wouldn't like me running the country then, as about 25% of current driving licence holders would not have one were I in charge. About half of those being men with sexual inadequacy who usually drive BMWs or Audis, and most of the rest being because I would have medical standards and regular tests.

Honaloulou · 28/05/2022 12:46

How can you not imagine needing to drive?

I live and work in zone 1 London. Within London, it's very rare for me to go out of zone 2, so it's very rare for me to go further than a 20 min cycle or 30 mins on public transport. That gives me access to the world's greatest culture and entertainment (IMO), and my closest friends and family.

My holidays are mostly city breaks. If I wanted to go rural things would obviously be different.

When I do need a car, I get taxis. The cost of that is far, far less than running a car.

'But how do you not drive' is said quite a lot on MN, and I find it baffling that people can't imagine others' lifestyles.

RiverSkater · 28/05/2022 12:46

I don't drive - but I don't expect people to ferry me about.

You just know some cheeky people. Tell your friend to sort out her lift so you don't miss your event. The bloody cheek!!!

And you don't need to show people your diary to refuse to do something. Just at no, that won't be possible.

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