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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fed-up of non-drivers seeking lifts?

607 replies

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:03

Disclaimer: this post is not about people who for whatever reason — sight problems, epilepsy, disability, poverty etc — cannot drive. It's about people who could learn to drive but don't want to.

Earlier this week I had a knock at the door and it was a couple asking if I could lend them some gardening equipment. They're in the process of buying a property a few doors along from me. It's a probate sale and it's taking ages, so they'd come down (with the vendors' permission) to start tidying up the garden which has become quite overgrown. They wanted a rake and a spade and loppers 'Because it's difficult to carry a rake on the train'. I invited them in and made them tea while I went to unlock the shed and find the tools. Turns out neither of them drive. He has a licence but found driving stressful and she prefers to be driven.

Our houses are a half-mile walk to a bus stop which isn't much fun when it's pouring with rain. I raised an eyebrow and asked if they cycle? Electric bikes are getting popular around here. We're 11 hilly miles from the nearest major town for shopping and transport links. No, they don't cycle. Long silence. I said that was a pity: taxis were very expensive because they had to come out from the town. She said that they have very nice neighbours where they currently live and they help out with lifts. Apparently the nice neighbours had run these two to the station that morning and would pick them up on their return. And then she asked 'I don't suppose you'd be going into town around 4pm, would you?' Fortunately I had a full afternoon's zoom meeting booked and showed them my diary. My partner and I try to be good neighbours but surely this was a very large red flag?

Next week I'm going to a book festival. I'm going in the camper van my partner and I share. A friend who doesn't drive is coming by train and will be travelling with a tent and camping gear. We arranged that I would be at Hereford station to pick her and her gear up at a certain time. It was planned to give us time to drive to the festival campsite and then for me to go and attend one of the events, which I've booked and paid for in advance. Today she's contacted me to say that she can't get anyone to give her a lift to the station at her end in order to catch the train required. Someone can give her a lift later to the station later in the morning, so she'll be arriving in Hereford two hours later than planned. She still expects me to pick her up from Hereford. I've told her she'll have to catch the bus from Hereford and she's responded that she has far too much gear to get on a bus. She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around.

In August my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend are coming to stay. They hope to go walking in the area and to visit several out-of-the-way places. They live in London and don't drive. It's become clear while we've been making arrangements that if they're to do half of what they've planned, I'll need to ferry them around almost every day. They're my relatives, they're here for a week and I'll do it without grumbling. But they'd have far more freedom and independence if they learned to drive and could hire a car for a week.

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

OP posts:
XenoBitch · 28/05/2022 12:47

YABU
This issue here is not people that refuse to learn to drive. It is you being unable to set boundaries and say no.

IncompleteSenten · 28/05/2022 12:49

Point out to your friend that she's not really being green if she's using other people's cars!

As for the new neighbours - start as you mean to go on.

With a hard no.

If they talk about their old neighbours you need to make it crystal clear that you won't be their new taxi.

ThedaBara · 28/05/2022 12:50

Interesting for me to see the other side of this. I live in London and don't drive, very used to walking and public transport, never ask for lifts and feel uncomfortable when friends offer because I'm very very aware of them having to go out of their way and don't want to be labeled a c.f. behind my back.
My neighbour invited my children to a half term event her church was running, and in the same breath told me that she wouldnt be able to give us a lift, which I thought was pretty rude and presumptuous. I would think it a pretty sad state of affairs if my children were incapable of walking for 20 mins. Not everybody wants a lift

LindaEllen · 28/05/2022 12:50

YANBU.

I support people's decisions 100% not to learn to drive if they don't want to, but then it's up to them to get themselves from a to b.

We're having this issue with DP's son at the moment, who is almost 19. He started learning to drive (paid for by us) and is supposed to be carrying on this summer when he gets back from uni, as we still have lessons left from the block we paid for.

He's complaining about it, saying he doesn't understand why he needs to drive - we've said he'll thank us for it when he graduates and is looking for jobs. We're paying for his lessons, we've said as soon as he passes we will sign DP's car over to him (which is a decent car!), he's got everything on a plate. But he doesn't want to do it.

He worked at McDonald's last summer, which included early mornings and late finishes, meaning he needs a lift (or pay for a taxi - guess which he chooses?) and he's going back there this summer too. Just assuming that yes, me or DP will get up at 5.30 to get him in for 6, or that we'll stay up until midnight to pick up him at the end of the shift when he's on a late. We have our own jobs to get to, and he had the option of getting his driving done last summer (my family member is teaching him and offered an intense course to get him passed before uni - he did his theory).

It's fucking annoying, knowing that we will have to ferry him places, paying for the petrol to do so, because he would rather sit on his computer in his spare time instead of learning to drive - which he's not being asked to pay a single penny for.

CinnamonEstella · 28/05/2022 12:50

I think it’s a bit cheeky to ask for lifts, definitely! That’s what taxis are for!

I have a few family members who don’t drive, - and we have at times lived without a car ourselves - but always manage(d) to plan to get to our destination under our own steam, whether by public transport, on foot or by taxi.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/05/2022 12:52

LindaEllen · 28/05/2022 12:50

YANBU.

I support people's decisions 100% not to learn to drive if they don't want to, but then it's up to them to get themselves from a to b.

We're having this issue with DP's son at the moment, who is almost 19. He started learning to drive (paid for by us) and is supposed to be carrying on this summer when he gets back from uni, as we still have lessons left from the block we paid for.

He's complaining about it, saying he doesn't understand why he needs to drive - we've said he'll thank us for it when he graduates and is looking for jobs. We're paying for his lessons, we've said as soon as he passes we will sign DP's car over to him (which is a decent car!), he's got everything on a plate. But he doesn't want to do it.

He worked at McDonald's last summer, which included early mornings and late finishes, meaning he needs a lift (or pay for a taxi - guess which he chooses?) and he's going back there this summer too. Just assuming that yes, me or DP will get up at 5.30 to get him in for 6, or that we'll stay up until midnight to pick up him at the end of the shift when he's on a late. We have our own jobs to get to, and he had the option of getting his driving done last summer (my family member is teaching him and offered an intense course to get him passed before uni - he did his theory).

It's fucking annoying, knowing that we will have to ferry him places, paying for the petrol to do so, because he would rather sit on his computer in his spare time instead of learning to drive - which he's not being asked to pay a single penny for.

You're not under any obligation to ferry him anywhere. Just say no. He's 19, he can sort himself out. Maybe if you stopped driving him places he'd be more keen to learn.

IncompleteSenten · 28/05/2022 12:52

LindaEllen · 28/05/2022 12:50

YANBU.

I support people's decisions 100% not to learn to drive if they don't want to, but then it's up to them to get themselves from a to b.

We're having this issue with DP's son at the moment, who is almost 19. He started learning to drive (paid for by us) and is supposed to be carrying on this summer when he gets back from uni, as we still have lessons left from the block we paid for.

He's complaining about it, saying he doesn't understand why he needs to drive - we've said he'll thank us for it when he graduates and is looking for jobs. We're paying for his lessons, we've said as soon as he passes we will sign DP's car over to him (which is a decent car!), he's got everything on a plate. But he doesn't want to do it.

He worked at McDonald's last summer, which included early mornings and late finishes, meaning he needs a lift (or pay for a taxi - guess which he chooses?) and he's going back there this summer too. Just assuming that yes, me or DP will get up at 5.30 to get him in for 6, or that we'll stay up until midnight to pick up him at the end of the shift when he's on a late. We have our own jobs to get to, and he had the option of getting his driving done last summer (my family member is teaching him and offered an intense course to get him passed before uni - he did his theory).

It's fucking annoying, knowing that we will have to ferry him places, paying for the petrol to do so, because he would rather sit on his computer in his spare time instead of learning to drive - which he's not being asked to pay a single penny for.

Why do you have to?
You can say no and tell him to get his act together.

AdmiralsPie · 28/05/2022 12:52

The only non-drivers I know are the exact opposite. They've chosen house locations on bus routes, have taxi numbers to hand and never, ever make it anyone else's problem. I have nothing but respect for them.

But YANBU at all OP. Every example you give is adults failing to adult. Do not give an inch with the neighbours. They won't appreciate it, and they will just end up being more resentful when you inevitably say no later on.

Quirkycarrot · 28/05/2022 12:54

I really think that in part this is down to you being overly invested in how others will get about and this is why they are taking advantage of you. If they have decided to move there and it's inconvenient for non drivers how is that your problem? Why would you go into the logistics of it? Any CF would mentally have you marked you down as a victim if you show you care that much. Showing them your diary is just ridiculous.

As for your friend and the others- nonchalance would go a long way. 'oh really? You'll be late? Guess I'll see you when I see you'. I can't shake this mental image of you getting in a flap about how they'll cope, what they'll do etc. I mean if you genuinely care then help them. If you don't or don't want to then back off.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 28/05/2022 12:55

OP, try to bend your head around the fact that some people don't drive, don't want lifts - and let them be.

The fact that you are conflict-averse (even when there isn't one) is by the by. Learn to say no and stop being a people-pleaser. Don't take out your personal annoyance (which should be at yourself for not having boundaries) on people who don't drive, they are nothing to do with you.

I drive. I don't experience the issues that other people proclaim they do.

VaginaRegina · 28/05/2022 12:55

YANBU in the slightest. I'm weighing up whether I find people who can drive but don't, or people who had the opportunity to learn but didn't, more annoying: I think in the end that's irrelevant and unless there's some sort of medical reason not to drive, yes, it should be considered an essential skill, particularly if you live outside a big city.

FWIW, when I turned 17 I was terribly artsy and into drama, and I didn't want to learn - something about it clashed with my image of myself at the time. But my parents insisted I learnt and I am so, so grateful they did. It has made an enormous difference to my life. And now that I am actually disabled and can't walk much, I genuinely don't know what I'd do if I couldn't drive to places.

Caspianberg · 28/05/2022 12:55

Also lived in London for years, didn’t have a car either then. But because dh and I both had driving licenses it was easy to just hire a car for a weekend if someone had a remote wedding or zip car hire if we need to collect and transport heavy thing. Overseas on trips as and when needed we just hired a car for the week.

When we had to move, just like your neighbours to somewhere remote (overseas), we simply hired car in England for 2 weeks to sort logistics of moving bits around and then again on arrival for a month until we bought our own car. Would be truly stuffed without a license now

blueshoes · 28/05/2022 12:55

The next person who asks for lift, just give them the details of your local taxi company.

ComDummings · 28/05/2022 12:57

I think it’s fine for people to ask. It’s also fine to say no.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/05/2022 12:58

VaginaRegina · 28/05/2022 12:55

YANBU in the slightest. I'm weighing up whether I find people who can drive but don't, or people who had the opportunity to learn but didn't, more annoying: I think in the end that's irrelevant and unless there's some sort of medical reason not to drive, yes, it should be considered an essential skill, particularly if you live outside a big city.

FWIW, when I turned 17 I was terribly artsy and into drama, and I didn't want to learn - something about it clashed with my image of myself at the time. But my parents insisted I learnt and I am so, so grateful they did. It has made an enormous difference to my life. And now that I am actually disabled and can't walk much, I genuinely don't know what I'd do if I couldn't drive to places.

Why do you think it should be considered an essential skill? It makes no difference to you whether I drive or not. Why do you think everyone should live the same way as you?

Daleksatemyshed · 28/05/2022 12:59

You really need to avoid the new neighbours, all the rest are occasional worries but they could become massive pains in the arse. They've not even moved in and they're setting out their CF stall already. Say No Op, start as you mean to go on🤣

PatsyJStone · 28/05/2022 13:00

I think you made a mistake showing your diary, you aren't going to want to prove that you have an appointment every time they ask in future. I would prepare yourself to say no I can't take you/pick you up frequently. They may make you feel guilty or play an emergency card/lift required but unless you want to include this new duty in your life, I'd be making it clear that you are not their 'new' version of old neighbours.

I'd also get some taxi numbers written down & bus route number & hand that over when they next ask you.

As for the gardening tools, what will it be next?

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 28/05/2022 13:01

I don't drive and probably never will again (although I have a license, passed my test first time, have driven all over the world including in Mexico City and am apparently a "very competent driver") and I 100 percent believe driving is not for large chunks of the population (many of whom currently hold licenses).

That said, I never ask for lifts and refuse 99 percent of those I am offered. I think my reasons for not driving are valid and if I can't sort the logistics, I just don't go.

I'd give your new neighbours a wide berth.

orwellwasright · 28/05/2022 13:01

My parents don't drive. Whenever they need to go to the hospital or do a large shop at the supermarket I make them walk or take a convoluted trip on public transport (even more fun because my mum has mobility problems).

Then I sit at home looking at the window at my unused car and think, 'Yep, that's shown those cheeky fuckers. Hopefully it will rain too'.

MummyInTheNecropolis · 28/05/2022 13:01

YANBU to be pissed off at the people in your OP. YABU to lump all other non drivers in with them. I don’t drive, and I never ask anyone for a lift anywhere. I live in London, I have buses, trains, tubes and trams within easy walking distance and can always get an Uber if necessary.

Neither of my parents ever drove either and they managed fine without ever needing lifts, they both lived and worked in central London.

lookthisway · 28/05/2022 13:01

I feel a lot of these issues could be solved if people just learnt to say no, perhaps that's the actual life skill adults should be capable of doing?

TheNewlmprovedMrsMadEvans · 28/05/2022 13:01

I would avoid the new neighbours like the plague they sound like users and once you start , it's difficult to get rid of them, they are like limpets Hmm

BellePeppa · 28/05/2022 13:03

I don’t drive, I can technically as I have a licence but I hate driving and it induces panic attacks. The day I sold my car and gave up driving was a huge relief to me. I would never expect people to give me lifts because of it though and plan my life around it, thankfully it is rarely an issue. On the few occasions I do need a lift I have a lovely friend who helps out but I always pay her as it is a mutually agreed ‘job’.

suckingonchillidogs · 28/05/2022 13:04

Can't imagine asking for a lift from a new neighbour I'd only just met - very odd behaviour. Unless I was in the middle of a heart attack I suppose!

BellePeppa · 28/05/2022 13:05

lookthisway · 28/05/2022 13:01

I feel a lot of these issues could be solved if people just learnt to say no, perhaps that's the actual life skill adults should be capable of doing?

I agree and it’s a running theme on MN, the amount of problems people have in their life because they haven’t learnt to say no.