Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fed-up of non-drivers seeking lifts?

607 replies

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:03

Disclaimer: this post is not about people who for whatever reason — sight problems, epilepsy, disability, poverty etc — cannot drive. It's about people who could learn to drive but don't want to.

Earlier this week I had a knock at the door and it was a couple asking if I could lend them some gardening equipment. They're in the process of buying a property a few doors along from me. It's a probate sale and it's taking ages, so they'd come down (with the vendors' permission) to start tidying up the garden which has become quite overgrown. They wanted a rake and a spade and loppers 'Because it's difficult to carry a rake on the train'. I invited them in and made them tea while I went to unlock the shed and find the tools. Turns out neither of them drive. He has a licence but found driving stressful and she prefers to be driven.

Our houses are a half-mile walk to a bus stop which isn't much fun when it's pouring with rain. I raised an eyebrow and asked if they cycle? Electric bikes are getting popular around here. We're 11 hilly miles from the nearest major town for shopping and transport links. No, they don't cycle. Long silence. I said that was a pity: taxis were very expensive because they had to come out from the town. She said that they have very nice neighbours where they currently live and they help out with lifts. Apparently the nice neighbours had run these two to the station that morning and would pick them up on their return. And then she asked 'I don't suppose you'd be going into town around 4pm, would you?' Fortunately I had a full afternoon's zoom meeting booked and showed them my diary. My partner and I try to be good neighbours but surely this was a very large red flag?

Next week I'm going to a book festival. I'm going in the camper van my partner and I share. A friend who doesn't drive is coming by train and will be travelling with a tent and camping gear. We arranged that I would be at Hereford station to pick her and her gear up at a certain time. It was planned to give us time to drive to the festival campsite and then for me to go and attend one of the events, which I've booked and paid for in advance. Today she's contacted me to say that she can't get anyone to give her a lift to the station at her end in order to catch the train required. Someone can give her a lift later to the station later in the morning, so she'll be arriving in Hereford two hours later than planned. She still expects me to pick her up from Hereford. I've told her she'll have to catch the bus from Hereford and she's responded that she has far too much gear to get on a bus. She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around.

In August my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend are coming to stay. They hope to go walking in the area and to visit several out-of-the-way places. They live in London and don't drive. It's become clear while we've been making arrangements that if they're to do half of what they've planned, I'll need to ferry them around almost every day. They're my relatives, they're here for a week and I'll do it without grumbling. But they'd have far more freedom and independence if they learned to drive and could hire a car for a week.

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

OP posts:
BellePeppa · 28/05/2022 14:03

Shortpoet · 28/05/2022 13:56

I imagine that J K Rowling, Ricky Gervais and Kate Beckinsale could probably afford the odd taxi or two.

I’m sure a lot of CFs can too. Not sure what your point is?

Besttobe8001 · 28/05/2022 14:06

I wouldn't mind giving my niece or nephew lifts under these circumstances. Surely you invited them to stay?

pucelleauxblanchesmains · 28/05/2022 14:07

I don't drive for disability reasons although increasingly people with my disability are getting more support learning to drive so in the next few years I'm going to give it a go. I am lucky in that I live in a region with decent ~ish~ public transport and don't live a particularly wild lifestyle so I can get pretty much wherever I need with a combination of buses and walking, and taxis exist in emergencies. I don't think anybody should organise their entire lifestyle on the assumption they'll be offered lifts.
That being said, plenty of existing drivers are really not safe enough to be on the roads and I admire people who know themselves well enough to realise that that would be them if they tried driving. So to some extent I think normalising (hate that word!) public transport and fetishising cars less might lead to safer roads in the long run.

BellePeppa · 28/05/2022 14:07

yellowsuninthesky · 28/05/2022 14:02

I do think if you won't drive, you need to cycle. You can't have it both ways unless you live somewhere with efficient and plentiful public transport and pavements for walking!

It is also not very sensible to move to somewhere without a railway station if you can't or won't drive.

If you don’t drive (as I don’t) it’s ridiculous of people to choose to live in places where you really need a car. I wouldn’t move somewhere that’s not a walk to a train station, shops and buses. It’s common sense. If I can’t walk to a shop for a pint of milk then it would be the wrong move.

billy1966 · 28/05/2022 14:08

OP,

Kindly meant but you have massive boundary issues.

I cannot imagine a scenario where you would show your diary to two CF's you have just met.

You need to learn the most basic level of assertiveness.

I would avoid them like the absolute plague.

The friend can pay for a taxi.

I would tell your visitors that you can drop them somewhere on one or two days, other than that they need to sort themselves out.

A lot of this could be instantly resolved with a No can do.

But the new neighbours I would actively avoid.

If you are not very careful, you will find yourself on a neighbourhood rota for lifts for these CF's.

BadWolf2022 · 28/05/2022 14:10

YANBU.

I'm disabled and really struggle to drive yet I get asked to give lifts all the time. Im thinking of sticking a taxi meter in my car.

Motorina · 28/05/2022 14:11

She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around

My ex was like this. Made a huge song and dance about how environmentally aware he was because he didn't drive. Then expected me to run him all over the place. 100% twatwazzock, that one.

stairgates · 28/05/2022 14:13

I've been broken down since November and

pitterypattery00 · 28/05/2022 14:13

Theeyeballsinthefuckingsky · 28/05/2022 12:13

I can’t drive. I’d love to be able too but I’m absolutely completely & utterly terrible at it. I’ve failed 5 tests. I just can’t master this “basic life skill” sorry for being such a failure!

I loathe asking ppl for lifts. I’d rather walk, get the bus, taxi, anything. I can’t imagine having the nerve to ask a neighbour for a lift. The only person I ask is DH & even then it’s only if I have no other choice. I accept that my inability to drive is no one’s fault but mine & it’s not for other ppl to run around after me.

This sounds like me, I completely relate.

Deathraystare · 28/05/2022 14:13

I don't drive but I am also not a cheeky fucker. I am lucky to live in West London with a great transport system. Only one of my friends has a car and when we go to hers for book club we all meet at a station she can pick us up from. She does not live in the wilds exactly but it is just easier all round. One of us does sometimes walk from the train station but I cannot manage it. Plus if she picks us up all at once she is able to get on with her cooking!

What a cheeky lot your soon to be neighbours are. Avoid them like the plague!

NellesVilla · 28/05/2022 14:15

Never agree to lifts for these new neighbours, OP. Start as you mean to go on and don’t make it a ‘thing’- if you say no to requests in a non-firm manner, they’ll simply run out to catch you when they spot you going off somewhere. I’ve had this happen to me- I also once had to drive in the opposite direction to where I was actually headed to avoid giving a lift.

Non-drivers- as another post said can be a PITA (not all). Some assume you’re more than happy to be an unpaid chauffeur and when they ask, they are basically telling you what you are doing with your own car!

Many non- drivers also seem to think fuel is free. I’ve been offered fuel
money (an half-heartedly) about twice, even thought I’ve often done lifts of 20 mins + (+ going out to fetch person, then get myself back to point a).

And I hate people in my car, particularly children. The mess! The crisps and mud trodden into my floors! I know I sound precious but I have to clean this, after giving a free car ride I can’t really afford (especially when I only use
my car when I have to!).

stairgates · 28/05/2022 14:15

stairgates · 28/05/2022 14:13

I've been broken down since November and

Sorry fat thumbs posted too soon!

And haven't missed it, but reading your last post OP has reminded me of what is out there so thankyou🙂I will get the vehicle looked at and back on the road😀

Rhodora · 28/05/2022 14:16

I have what my DH and I refer to as my little problem, otherwise known as dyspraxia. I accepted long ago that as it affects fine and gross motor skills and spatial awareness I was never going to drive. I do however live in a city with good transport links and quickly became very good at knowing which buses went where. My DH, parents, siblings and their respective OH all drive so if I’m desperate there is always someone willing to give me a lift but I use public transport as much as possible. Those examples you gave OP are all CFs

BeyondMyWits · 28/05/2022 14:17

I'm 58, I don't drive, I have never, not once, asked for a lift from someone.

I chose to live where I do because it is convenient for work, shops, schools, supermarket, buses, doctors, dentists etc. There are 12 local taxi firms. Quite capable of getting anywhere I want to be.

Would ask yourself why others think you will drop things, change plans etc just because they want you to. The new neighbours need boundaries setting. (Don't lend strangers things just because they want them, don't offer lifts just because they expect you to)

Fifthtimelucky · 28/05/2022 14:18

It seems mad to be buying a house half a mile from a bus stop and 11 miles from a town if you don't drive and aren't happy to walk, cycle or pay for a taxi!

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 28/05/2022 14:18

Momicrone · 28/05/2022 12:36

There's literally no way I'd be ferrying around a 28 year old nephew for a week, give him the local bus timetable or car hire places

Yes, someone coming to stay for a week needs to rent a car or bring a bike if they need to get around.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/05/2022 14:20

I cannot imagine a scenario where you would show your diary to two CF's you have just met

Yes, billy - as mentioned earlier that stuck out to me too

Worse still it's the kind of thing that CFs pick up on, as in OP clearly felt she had to justify herself, so is someone they can potentially work on

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 28/05/2022 14:21

This is me. Not everyone should drive and I’ve done the world a favour by getting off the road.

Absolutely. There are far too many shit drivers out there, and if I’d somehow scraped through my test, I would have been one of them.

I took a year’s worth of driving lessons, having been badgered into by my dad. I hated every second of it and still

lothermand · 28/05/2022 14:30

I've had this all my life, giving lifts..If people don't/can't drive for whatever reason, they shouldn't 'expect' lifts. I don't think I've ever asked for a lift, occasionally I'll accept one.

The way I see it is, if you want to go somewhere, you forage your way there, that's exactly what id do, or not go, one or t'other.

oakleaffy · 28/05/2022 14:31

@GoldfinchTart
These neighbours are Cheeky gits.
They are INSANE to move rurally without a very good car.
Or bikes at least.
They sound like potential nightmares.
I split fuel if ever I get a lift.
Not to give fuel money ( If both going to same location anyway) is cheeky.
But to expect someone to give them a lift like a free taxi service?

Jog on!
Outrageously cheeky.

Delinathe · 28/05/2022 14:31

We need fewer of us driving. That's a fact. And public transport needs to be better. But as a non-driver I can't imagine begging people for favours like this; where there's no transit I walk or I don't go. Apart from anything else, it just gives the "driving is a life skill and everyone needs to learn get a car and contribute to polluting our air" crowd ammunition.

Pinklimey · 28/05/2022 14:33

I don't drive for medical reasons, but no way would I expect random strangers/ neighbours to give me lifts! It is tricky obut possible to carry hardening tools on the bus. Likewise camping gear.

Delinathe · 28/05/2022 14:33

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

YABU about this for sure.

GoldenOmber · 28/05/2022 14:33

Momicrone · 28/05/2022 12:32

Titinatrance - I agree, people can be quite persistent in offering lifts as if they can't quite fathom how people can exist without cars

Yes, people can get weirdly pushy about it. Or even worse, insisting that other people give you lifts. “Oh no you couldn’t walk in this weather! I wouldn’t hear of it. No no no you MUSTN’T. Helen’s going your way aren’t you Helen?”

OP clearly has the opposite problem. Do not give the cheeky bastard neighbours an inch! Not surprised their previous neighbours drove them to the station to get to new house now they know they’re moving though - they probably got home and popped open the champagne.

Octopus37 · 28/05/2022 14:34

@Theeyeballsinthefuckingsky I'm exactly the same. Unfortunately, things like Kalms and Beta Blockers didn't work for me. Just the thought of spending all the money and failing again has put me off for life. Sometimes I wish I could drive, but I also hate the losing face thing when you fail. It's hard to keep it a complete secret. Luckily I live in an area where public transport links are very good and like you I hate asking for lifts and only do it if I really have to.