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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to spend some of inheritance on the family

272 replies

BerylFeatures · 26/05/2022 18:02

DH's mum died a couple of years ago and he got £100,000 inheritance.

As far as I'm aware he's got it in his bank account and and not spent any of it.

We're not short of money but we're not well off either.

I was expecting him to at least take us on holiday but he hasn't mentioned it.

If you received an inheritance would you share it with your family?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/05/2022 18:05

Have you spoken to him about it? Surely you should be planning it together and deciding together- doesn’t sound as though you’re a team

PinkyFlamingo · 26/05/2022 18:05

Of course I would share it with my DH.

OverByYer · 26/05/2022 18:06

That’s so mean.
DH inherited about £40k last year and I tried to persuade him to spend it on himself - nice car, watch etc and he just wouldn’t.
We’ve just bought a static caravan with the money and he is thrilled as it means the whole family get to enjoy it.

Will your DH even discuss it?

Ihatethenewlook · 26/05/2022 18:06

Why haven’t you discussed it? How long have you been together?

girlmom21 · 26/05/2022 18:07

Maybe he's still deciding what he wants to do. I'd invest that - especially if I was mortgage free.

BattenburgDonkey · 26/05/2022 18:07

You say he hasn’t mentioned it but what does he say when you ask him?

Retrievemysanity · 26/05/2022 18:09

Yes and I did but then DH and I have joint accounts and we don’t keep track of who spends what on what whereas I know couples who do, so I can imagine some of them not doing so.

ZooMount · 26/05/2022 18:09

I don't understand couples who just don't talk about stuff like this. I couldn't imagine my dh having 100K in the bank and not even discussing what he (for us we) would do with it. We've both had my money from grandparents recently and agreed it will go in joint savings for the future. It's all joint money to us.

rosewater20 · 26/05/2022 18:10

Why haven't you talked to him about this? It is very strange to me that you wouldn't be openly discussing what is being done with the money. Perhaps he feels off about it since it came from the death of his DM but you should still have an open conversation about what he would like to do with it as well as how it can benefit the family as a whole.

DockOTheBay · 26/05/2022 18:11

If either of us inherited that it would go in a joint account.
He is stupid to not at least be investing some of it, just letting it sit in an account. Have you asked him what he's planning to do with it?

nearlyspringyay · 26/05/2022 18:12

Why haven't ou spoken about it?

We run individual and joint accounts, against the mumsnet ideology but it works for us. 100k would definitely be spoken about though.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 26/05/2022 18:15

Any inheritance is joint money in our house.

Afterfire · 26/05/2022 18:17

That is extremely odd behaviour of him.

When I got £200k inheritance from my Mum I used it to pay off our mortgage and put it into joint savings which we’ve used for various family things and dh and I also took some each to spend on things we really wanted. (I said it was fine for dh to have some). I couldn’t imagine not sharing it!

justasmalltownmum · 26/05/2022 18:19

My DM died very, very suddenly. It has been a few years and it is still difficult to process. Maybe he hasn't processed it yet?

Soontobe60 · 26/05/2022 18:20

When MIL died, DH split his inheritance with me 50/50. We gave some to our DDs too.
My dm died recently. We have had some inheritance so far, ive split it equally between DH, DDs and me.

Mally100 · 26/05/2022 18:20

Yanbu, the fact he hasn't touched it is odd. Maybe he is still processing his mum's death and just blocked out everything including the money.

adlitem · 26/05/2022 18:22

Hmm, I have to say I don't think it's as straight forward as receiving any other sum of money. When my mum died I inhereted what was - at the time - a substantial sum for me. However I found it extremely difficult to spend, kept it in a seperate account and referred to it as "mum's money" for years after I received it. I felt as if any spend of it had to be some kind of extra level of worthiness and I couldn't bear the thought I was squandering it.

So, I would say you ought to talk to him about it. Gently. But also realise that inheritance can for some people be extremely emotionally complex, and isn't just a matter of havign £100k in the bank and being too tight to share it with your wife.

eenymeenymineymo · 26/05/2022 18:22

But does an inheritance received by one of you become matrimonial property if it is banked into a joint account &/or used for family purposes.
Just asking in case your relationship is a bit rocky or he is unhappy. If it is kept entirely separate & untouched is it considered to be still "just his".

buttercuplizzy · 26/05/2022 18:24

I guess it depends on the couple. My husband has inherited twice a substantial amount of money, which has been spent on a house jointly in our name inc all renovation work and the rest in a joint savings account. In our marriage all finances are pooled and shared.

DogsAndGin · 26/05/2022 18:25

What’s mine is his. I’d aim to agree on how to spend the majority on something we needed like home improvement/car. And then I would be happy to split the rest evenly or spend it on a holiday

rwalker · 26/05/2022 18:27

Chances are he'd sooner have his mum than money .Inheritance can be a poison chalice and enjoying something that has only come to you through a death sometimes just seems wrong .
Unless your living hand to mouth I'd leave it . To start asking about spending it just seems grabby and insenseative

AnnaMagnani · 26/05/2022 18:29

I'll be honest, I'd be livid at this point.

My expectation would be that if either myself or DH had an inheritance we would discuss it as a team and spend it accordingly.

For us, it's only DH that is going to get one, he's had one installment so far and he did this spontaneously.

MargosKaftan · 26/05/2022 18:31

Have you not asked questions like "have you thought about what to do with your inheritance from your mums estate? Shall we look at investing it?"

I wouldn't automatically assume it should be spent on fun things, but should be invested for thr family long term security.

Sweepingeyelashes · 26/05/2022 18:33

I've been married 30 years. I have kept my inheritance in my separate accounts. It is safely invested. I am not frittering it away. My parents worked hard for that money and it's for my future security. I never even thought of spending it on a holiday. My husband is likely to inherit in the near future and I would expect him to do something similar. In due course we might want to finance our children into houses which I think would be something our parents would have approved of us doing with the money.

AnnaMagnani · 26/05/2022 18:35

I'm not suggesting it should be frittered away - we spent a lot on DH having sight-saving surgery the NHS was failing to provide.

However even deciding to save or invest should be a joint decision.

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