To expect DH to spend some of inheritance on the family

[BerylFeatures]

DH's mum died a couple of years ago and he got £100,000 inheritance.

As far as I'm aware he's got it in his bank account and and not spent any of it.

We're not short of money but we're not well off either.

I was expecting him to at least take us on holiday but he hasn't mentioned it.

If you received an inheritance would you share it with your family?

Oof, that's a bit tight of him. DH got a much smaller inheritance from his grandma a few years ago and it went on a family holiday and our kitchen extension.

Oh, and every year when DH gets his annual bonus, he splits it - half into into the family savings account, and the rest split equally between him, me and the two DC.

I know we're all different, but I'm always a bit baffled by the attitude to inheritance on MN. I've never encountered it in real life. I find it strange that anyone could feel sentimental about money (unlike, for example, an object of sentimental value), or feel guilt about money that the bequeather actively wanted them to have.

Yes, the person had to die in order for you to inherit, but everyone dies. Getting the money doesn't mean you don't care or are happy they died. I love my parents. It will be awful when they die, but that won't make me feel weird about any money they might leave me.

Dh and I both stand to inherit a fair bit from parents, assuming they go before us and that the money isn't entirely eaten up by caring for them. We would both regard our inheritances as shared family money. It wouldn't occur to either of us not to.

Any money that either of us get is seen as joint (apart from maybe if a parent gave us £20 for our birthday- although it'd probably go towards a takeaway for us both).

If it was an inheritance we might say what the person who died wanted us to do with it but it wouldn't be kept away from the other one. We're one family and our finances reflect that.

I'm just surprised you haven't asked him about it.
When I was married, we knew most everything that was going on as we talked to each other about everything.
I have a sister who never seems to know anything about their finances or what her husband is doing.

The oddest thing about it that you never once had a conversation about it.
Do you have children?

Same. I'm not married and never intend to be, what's mine is mine. I'd definitely splash out on a nice holiday though for me and the boyfriend.

Have you asked him if he's invested it, or got it in two accounts so it's covered by the bank failing guarantee?

That may be a good way in to asking him if he has plans for it.

I think it depends how you manage the rest of your finances and whether his DM would have expected it to be shared or kept separate tbh.

We have separate accounts. When I had a small inheritance, DH was adamant it was mine to save or spend as I wanted. I used some of it for a deposit on a new car. The car is in my name, but obviously DH can use it too.

Sometimes relatives can put stipulations around inheritances - emotionally rather than legally. My friend's DM was clear she wanted my friend to save or invest her inheritance so she had a safety net. Her DM had always been pragmatic about the potential for relationships to break down and she never wanted her DD to be stuck in a relationship because she couldn't afford to leave.

The oddest part of your situation is that you've never discussed it. I can't imagine a relationship where someone inherits and there isn't a conversation about it.

I didn't share my inheritance with my then husband. It wasn't his. Similarly, any inheritance he got was nothing to do with me.

I don't think it's "grabby" to talk about it when you're married but it's a bit weird it wasn't discussed at the time. Just ask.

My DH has inherited that sum several times over, over the years, and on each occasion it went straight into the joint account then equally divided into his and my ISA accounts to the max amount, then toward the house then school fees. Every time I asked if he wanted to buy something special to remember the relative by and each time he was happy for it to go to family finances.

I'm a bit more sentimental so whenever I inherit money I buy something like a piece of jewellery or a painting - before adding the remainder to our joint account.

But how does that work in a marriage? That really baffles me because dh and I own a house together, we have children together who need things paying for, we run a car together… where do you draw the line if any of those things require funding and you have money sitting in your account?

My first marriage was very separate in terms of finances and in the end it was one of the reasons we split up. It got to the point where he resented me spending money on food that he didn’t eat but I did and it was almost like we were house
mates not married together.

Dh and I have been together 15 years plus now and we share everything together.

My dh had a small inheritance of £2000. He gave 10 percent to his church. £300 to our daughter and the rest went towards a holiday with the extended family. As far as I was concerned, it was his to do as he wished with but he would always consider the family with any money he had. If I inherit, which will depend on whether there is any care home fees in the end, it will be quite a bit more. He would be like me in wanting to leave it up to me how I spent it and I am like him, in that I would never spend it in ways which left him or our dd and family out. We are a team. In the end all money is family money and all 'big' purchases are agreed together. I can't imagine either of us being upset if one of us wanted to spend some on something personal but I think we would both be surprized and a little hurt if the other partner wasn't considered at all.

Yanbu, the fact he hasn't touched it is odd. Maybe he is still processing his mum's death and just blocked out everything including the money

This. My sister left me some money 18months ago, I can't bring myself to spend any of it. Feels like moving on/letting go and I'm not ready to do that

I'm married and our money is joint money. This doesn't sound like an equal relationship if you didn't both discuss it as soon as he got it. Most of our money is in a joint account though although we have separate ISAs. We still view the ISAs as belonging to both of us. If I thought my husband would regard me as grabby for discussing money he'd inherited we wouldn't be together. You should want to share your money

I didn't share my inheritance with my then husband. It wasn't his. Similarly, any inheritance he got was nothing to do with me.

But on that kind of basis, your salary is just yours and not his, because you earned it. And his salary is not yours. And yet it is pretty normal for married couples to share finances.

I have already told my DH that if he inherits from his parents it’s his to do as he pleases. He can invest it or spend it as he wishes. It’s a gift to him and if he chooses to do something for us both then fine but if there is something he wants badly for himself like a new car then that’s also good.

Likewise any inheritance I get is mine to spend or save or invest.

We are pretty much equal earners though so balanced in that respect.

@AnnaMagnani why livid? Have you no mouth? Can you not speak until spoken to?

I’m baffled by a lot of these responses, especially all the people who would be “livid” that he hasn’t spent any of the money. Wtf? Firstly, it’s his inheritance. And second, he’s not spent it. He’s not made a decision without consulting the OP. He’s just not done anything.

OP on a practical level, if it is just sat in a single name bank account then it’s over the FSCS compensation limit so I’d be getting him to either split it across two banks or put it in a joint name account (which gives double the limit).

I agree with those who have said inheritance can be a complex and/or sensitive subject.

DH inherited a substantial sum of money from his father about two years ago. We used a bit of it to help buy our house - his dad had been very clear he wanted to help us do that - but we still have a huge mortgage. The rest is invested in various funds as far as I know (some might be sitting around in cash but not much). It hasn’t occurred to me to suggest spending it. DH’s dad worked his whole life and saved and saved for that money. It’s precious. I imagine we might use it for our DC’s education, or maybe one day it will help them afford houses of their own. But it’s not for renovations or holidays. I haven’t discussed this with DH but I think it’s so obvious to both of us it doesn’t need to be said.

I have my salary and he has his salary, we have our own accounts and we also have a joint account which we both pay a portion into (I pay much more) and the joint expenses come out of the joint account.

But my salary is mine and his is his.

I think if he’s having a difficult time dealing with the loss, he may want to consider grief counselling? If even thinking about spending the inheritance is difficult if after a few years, it might help him to speak to someone about helping deal with his emotions? Is it normal for him to bottle things up and not speak of things?

Eventually he will have to think about what to do with the inheritance and ideally it should be consulted with you. But at the end of the day, it is his inheritance. I’d be more concerned that he may still find it difficult to process his grief and keep it all bottled up inside.

I think the law sees inheritance as ringfenced in any divorce settlements, unless it has been put in a joint account. I may be wrong. Perhaps it's to stop gold diggers attaching themselves to wealthy widow/ers or singletons.

Inheritance is a funny thing. In one way you kind of think of it has having to go down the line., and so does the law. And certainly if I were to die now, while not having a will, DH would only get a certain amount for himself (is it the first £270k?) and the rest would be: half to him and half to be shared equally between our children. You'd think that marriage would automatically mean that it all goes to him, but not so. Without a will our children get a fair chunk too.

So the law makes provision for the children of a marriage if there is no will so that must mean that if we do have inheritance to spend we should really bear in mind that SOME of it should really be left aside for our own children.

It's a very interesting area of law as anyone who has been an executor to an estate will tell you.

YABU. For one thing, he is mourning his mother so you shouldn't be thinking about the money. Also, 100k is the kind of money which is well invested could set up an inheritance for your own kids, I think he'd be silly to be frittering away on holidays.

If he's not touched it, you could gently ask what he is thinking to do with it. But you could do something a lot better for your family with that than holidays.

Absolutely bizarre. All money in our household is house money and shared.