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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to spend some of inheritance on the family

272 replies

BerylFeatures · 26/05/2022 18:02

DH's mum died a couple of years ago and he got £100,000 inheritance.

As far as I'm aware he's got it in his bank account and and not spent any of it.

We're not short of money but we're not well off either.

I was expecting him to at least take us on holiday but he hasn't mentioned it.

If you received an inheritance would you share it with your family?

OP posts:
Lockheart · 26/05/2022 21:25

WhackingPhoenix · 26/05/2022 21:10

Incredible, a woman posts about inheritance she’s received and she’s told she mustn’t share a penny.

A woman posts about her husband’s inheritance and she’s encouraged to ask why he hasn’t shared it.

I mean to be fair the opinion on the thread about the swimming pool was that it was DHs inheritance and DHs swimming pool and OP got no say.

Which is equally batshit. If you're married, you'd quickly find any inheritance is in fact considered part of your joint assets in the event of a divorce (I've just been working on two divorce cases where inheritance is in contention).

If you're married, all assets are joint. If you're not, do what you like, although in my opinion if you're in a long term committed relationship with children it would be a bit rubbish to hold it all back just for yourself if it's substantial.

liliainterfrutices · 26/05/2022 21:28

I might be like your DH in that I would keep the money as house deposit etc for our children. I’d probably say that was what I was doing though. As the main earner I make financial decisions. This is at my DH’s request. It works for us.

Bintymcbintface · 26/05/2022 21:28

Why is it when husbands ask for share of inheritances on here the consensus is that they're being greedy and that its not theirs but if it's the other way round, you're all furious it's untouched in his account. This place is baffling. OP it's not yours, it's his

2Rebecca · 26/05/2022 21:31

Not in Scots law. If an inheritance hasn't been converted in to matrimonial property during the course of the marriage it isn't part of a divorce settlement

2Rebecca · 26/05/2022 21:33

Few people are "furious" about anything, most are just surprised a married couple haven't discussed it 2 years down the line

CounsellorTroi · 26/05/2022 21:33

Bintymcbintface · 26/05/2022 21:28

Why is it when husbands ask for share of inheritances on here the consensus is that they're being greedy and that its not theirs but if it's the other way round, you're all furious it's untouched in his account. This place is baffling. OP it's not yours, it's his

Was just coming on to say the same thing.

Babyroobs · 26/05/2022 21:34

My dh was like this when he received a lot of inheritance. It was just as though he didn't want to touch it. I think he just saw it still as his dad's money rather than his. he did start to spend it after about 2 years,

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 26/05/2022 21:36

AnnaMagnani · 26/05/2022 18:29

I'll be honest, I'd be livid at this point.

My expectation would be that if either myself or DH had an inheritance we would discuss it as a team and spend it accordingly.

For us, it's only DH that is going to get one, he's had one installment so far and he did this spontaneously.

The OP maybe isn’t as mercenary as you though.

Oblomov22 · 26/05/2022 21:43

I feel totally totally different to just about everybody else on this thread. Dh and I share everything and always have done and only have one joint account.

When his lovely mum passed away and he got his inheritance he made all the decisions re what he wanted to do with that money and I never said a word.

When my mum finally passes away I too will decide what to do with that money. I will discuss it with him, but ultimately it is my money and it is my decision and he will totally respect that.

Crikeyalmighty · 26/05/2022 21:47

I think one difference here in what OP is saying to what many others are saying who would want to keep it very much for themselves is I suspect the people saying this are likely to be quite comfortably off - their lifestyle is good with or without an inheritance and equal earnings/access to money etc. I get the feeling that the OP is getting by , but not comfortably off and a few nice treats or things paid off might help their lifestyle. I would feel peeved OP if that is indeed the case- I may be wrong of course

mnnewbie111 · 26/05/2022 21:48

@bellac11 will have to agree to disagree on that one

Hawkins001 · 26/05/2022 21:50

BerylFeatures · 26/05/2022 18:02

DH's mum died a couple of years ago and he got £100,000 inheritance.

As far as I'm aware he's got it in his bank account and and not spent any of it.

We're not short of money but we're not well off either.

I was expecting him to at least take us on holiday but he hasn't mentioned it.

If you received an inheritance would you share it with your family?

Id keep the source and amount secret, but when I could I'd try to help out as and when needed, but disguise the help as a loan from me.

RuralDwelling · 26/05/2022 21:54

@bellac11 I'm the same as you. We both earn our own salary. We put the same amount into the bills account each month and the remainder of his salary is his to use as he wants and the same for me.
I inherited just over £85K 4 years ago and it's in an account as my 'pension' to use when I retire. If my father wanted it to be a joint inheritance he would have stated that in his will.
Can't see what the issue is?

Fairislefandango · 26/05/2022 21:56

I do think inheritance is something that is definitely for the person inheriting to decide what happens to it.

But why? It's just money. Put it in your bank account with your other money and you can't tell which pounds are inheritance and which aren't. Why is inherited money any different from,for example, money you had from before you were married, or money you've personally earned. If finances are shared, why should inheritance be any different?

Prisonbreak · 26/05/2022 21:58

My OH inherited a chunky sum of money last year and I have no care in the world what he does with it. It was passed from his mother to him. Similarly I received some money from the passing of my father and he has never brought the subject of money up. He sees this as a final gift from my dad to me. We own a home together, been together over 10 years but I’ve never considered that I would have any say over money that was left to him.

nokidshere · 26/05/2022 22:03

I couldn't be married to someone who didn't discuss financial matters with me, Regardless of what he wants to do with it.

DH got an inheritance a few years ago, we used it to pay off the mortgage and update stuff in the house (new kitchen etc) so we don't have to downsize in the future. We also gave some to DCs. It was definitely 'ours' and not his, as all our finances have been for the past 40yrs.

I would certainly be unhappy if money was tight and DH was sitting on 100k that, even a small portion of, could make our lives a bit easier or more joyous.

Copasetic · 26/05/2022 22:05

All our money in joint.

saddowizca · 26/05/2022 22:07

justasmalltownmum · 26/05/2022 18:19

My DM died very, very suddenly. It has been a few years and it is still difficult to process. Maybe he hasn't processed it yet?

This was my thought too…

Swimmingpoolsally · 26/05/2022 22:09

I think as it’s two years ago now she passed you should be able to discuss this.

Sickoffamilydrama · 26/05/2022 22:34

Could be the ex funeral director in me although I've always been practical but I'm not understanding people who won't talk about money cause they are grieving. I stand to inherit well from my DF I believe and wouldn't be offended in the slightest if DH wanted to discuss what we were doing to do with the money. I'm fact my DF would be disappointed is we didn't he's very practical too and money is an important part of life, financial stability takes away that pressure during hard times/ grief.

I'm about it inherit some money and DH are treating or as our money as we are a team, well decide together what to do with it.

bouncydog · 26/05/2022 22:41

We’ve been married for almost 40 years and everything is joint. However when my DH’s mum died my view was his inheritance was his to do with as he wished. He was very generous and gave me a beautiful item of jewellery but I had and have no expectations. Why on earth would I have expectations of entitlement to something worked for all their lives by his family? If his DM wanted to leave something to me, then she would have.

FindingMeno · 26/05/2022 22:50

I will keep any inheritance for myself, and encouraged my dh to do the same.
Too many marriages split up, even after donkeys years, and I think the intention with an inheritance is that it's for the nearest and dearest, not the ex.

LimpBiskit · 26/05/2022 22:57

I've never understood separate money. When I was married, everything was joint as we were a team.

TurquoiseSwirl · 26/05/2022 23:00

I don’t understand where couples don’t discuss money or share or it’s family money etc

GetThatHelmetOn · 26/05/2022 23:03

adlitem · 26/05/2022 18:22

Hmm, I have to say I don't think it's as straight forward as receiving any other sum of money. When my mum died I inhereted what was - at the time - a substantial sum for me. However I found it extremely difficult to spend, kept it in a seperate account and referred to it as "mum's money" for years after I received it. I felt as if any spend of it had to be some kind of extra level of worthiness and I couldn't bear the thought I was squandering it.

So, I would say you ought to talk to him about it. Gently. But also realise that inheritance can for some people be extremely emotionally complex, and isn't just a matter of havign £100k in the bank and being too tight to share it with your wife.

This ^

My partner inherited quite a bit of money, he wanted to take us all on holiday and enjoy himself. I convinced him to use part of it to reduce his mortgage, save the rest for his kids or a rainy day. Someway it’s felt wrong to use the assets his parents had so carefully put together as if it was a lottery win.

May he be considering something like that? I know it is not unusual for some couples not to talk about money but I think that it is that you need to sort before the inheritance.

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