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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to spend some of inheritance on the family

272 replies

BerylFeatures · 26/05/2022 18:02

DH's mum died a couple of years ago and he got £100,000 inheritance.

As far as I'm aware he's got it in his bank account and and not spent any of it.

We're not short of money but we're not well off either.

I was expecting him to at least take us on holiday but he hasn't mentioned it.

If you received an inheritance would you share it with your family?

OP posts:
Mally100 · 26/05/2022 18:36

AnnaMagnani · 26/05/2022 18:29

I'll be honest, I'd be livid at this point.

My expectation would be that if either myself or DH had an inheritance we would discuss it as a team and spend it accordingly.

For us, it's only DH that is going to get one, he's had one installment so far and he did this spontaneously.

Livid? His parent will have to die for him to get that money. Don't be so crass to think you are entitled to feel livid!

onlywork55 · 26/05/2022 18:37

This is so different to how we would approach this. We’d treat any inheritance as joint money for the family. Maybe a small proportion as spending money for the person who’d inherited (say 1-2%). I can’t really imagine being in your situation.

LisaSimpson1984 · 26/05/2022 18:37

Livid? Really?

Original poster
BerylFeatures · 26/05/2022 18:39

rwalker · 26/05/2022 18:27

Chances are he'd sooner have his mum than money .Inheritance can be a poison chalice and enjoying something that has only come to you through a death sometimes just seems wrong .
Unless your living hand to mouth I'd leave it . To start asking about spending it just seems grabby and insenseative

This is exactly how I feel. I keep waiting for him to bring it up but he doesn't and I don't want to look grabby.

OP posts:
Alwayshoovering · 26/05/2022 18:41

Is it possible that he is so upset by the death of his mother he can't bring himself to spend anything as it feels like he is profiting from her passing.
I think when my parents pass it will take me a long time to accept and spend my inheritance

Blarting · 26/05/2022 18:42

Sweepingeyelashes · 26/05/2022 18:33

I've been married 30 years. I have kept my inheritance in my separate accounts. It is safely invested. I am not frittering it away. My parents worked hard for that money and it's for my future security. I never even thought of spending it on a holiday. My husband is likely to inherit in the near future and I would expect him to do something similar. In due course we might want to finance our children into houses which I think would be something our parents would have approved of us doing with the money.

Having a holiday is hardly frittering away!

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 26/05/2022 18:49

Sounds like he doesn't bring it up as he doesn't want it spent on crap

Lushmetender · 26/05/2022 18:51

Hi I will inherit some money from my parents house - both died within months of each other. Must admit I was irritated when my DH said what we should spend it on!!!! The point is 1 I don’t know how much it will be 2 my dads funeral hasn’t even taken place yet (tomorrow) plus 3. I’ve always worked really hard and main breadwinner in the house on 2.5 DH salary even though his earning potential could have been more - I think I’d like to use it to go part time. We still have to properly discuss but he will be eligible for even more from his parents when they go. Maybe I’m in the anger stage of grief!

BashfulClam · 26/05/2022 18:51

When my husband inherits it will be his. His parents worked hard for that for him. If he wishes to pay off our mortgage or put it all on
black at the casino then It’s not up to me. it would be nice if it benefited us both but it’s entirely his.

CampervanKween · 26/05/2022 18:53

Tough one this. It's his last connection to his mum. She undoubtedly worked hard for that money. It will be all tangled up with emotions and guilt. I don't think you can be grabby about it.

Crikeyalmighty · 26/05/2022 18:54

The straight fact is if one of you has inherited money and for whatever reason you split- then only half would be theirs, so the idea of squirrelling it away as someone said above-- doesn't always work out that way. I find it odd it hasn't been brought up in general conversation , as in all fairness whilst it may feel like his- it's family money if married - as it would be if you had inherited. Even if it's to say £10 k used for paying stuff off if anything needs paying and a holiday- or change the car - whatever!!!

RollOnWinter · 26/05/2022 18:55

£100,000 and he hasn't bought or paid for anything new? Bloody hell! My DH got £56k about 7 years ago - we paid off the mortgage, which was then only about £10k, had 2 foreign holidays, gave our adult sons £2k each, had a new roof £6k, husband had a car (2nd hand Merc) £3k at auction. The remainder was enjoyed on days out with the grandkids, meals out, clothes, decorating, and a bit in savings.

TokyoTen · 26/05/2022 18:57

Years ago I inherited some money from my Gran, I put it straight into our deposit for our house. My DDad also left me some money and we had a holiday then we split it between our two adult DS.

breatheintheamazing · 26/05/2022 18:58

To be honest I wouldn't be "expecting" anything if my DH inherited - I'd rather he put it aside as a pension for himself one day as he doesn't really have one (whilst I do). I won't be sharing my inheritance with him either - sure some family holidays perhaps but I'll more likely be giving it straight to the kids. Perhaps that's what he intends? Uni fees or house deposits?

SunnyShiner · 26/05/2022 19:01

Is it a new marriage? I can't imagine my DH not calling it family money.

HereIAmBrainTheSizeOfAPlanet · 26/05/2022 19:01

Good grief, just ask him.

Sidisawetlettuce · 26/05/2022 19:03

I inherited £40k a few years ago and put it in a savings account in my name. No doubt we'll use it when we need it but it didn't occur to me to split it and give DH half. He may well inherit a lot more than that and I assume he'll do what I did.

SunshineCake · 26/05/2022 19:07

I received a small inheritance. I bought a gift for dh and all the children and saved the rest. No one "expected" anything from me.

Alwayscheerful · 26/05/2022 19:07

eenymeenymineymo · 26/05/2022 18:22

But does an inheritance received by one of you become matrimonial property if it is banked into a joint account &/or used for family purposes.
Just asking in case your relationship is a bit rocky or he is unhappy. If it is kept entirely separate & untouched is it considered to be still "just his".

This.

Newmumatlast · 26/05/2022 19:08

We probably wouldn't put it into joint because we have agreed my step daughter inherits from him and her mum, and our children together from myself and him. So any inheritance I get would be ear marked as mine so it is in turn inherited by our children together. Otherwise it is unfair as my step daughter inherits from three parents and she is an only child to her mum so will inherit an entire house to herself just from her mum.

We would enjoy the money together though and discuss what to do with it. It's just any assets purchased with it would be marked as owned by me for future inheritance purposes

Nanny0gg · 26/05/2022 19:10

I've had two, my DH has also, although for less.

All were considered joint money and what was done was a joint decision.

No way it would have been left sitting there unless we really, really didn't need it. But was put to good use plus a bit of fun too.

Qwill · 26/05/2022 19:10

I just can’t imagine either of us inheriting money and not talking to each other about it?

AnnaMagnani · 26/05/2022 19:10

Loving the assumptions that everyone's parents worked hard for their money!

Both DH and I would agree whose parents worked hard, and it wasn't his, but he is the one with the big inheritance coming.

Pick your industry well, don't start out dirt poor, and have a good 1980s - then just watch your money grow by itself. His mum definitely didn't work hard, she's just accumulated inheritances over the years while being sniffy about people on benefits.

Mally100 · 26/05/2022 19:10

BerylFeatures · 26/05/2022 18:39

This is exactly how I feel. I keep waiting for him to bring it up but he doesn't and I don't want to look grabby.

Show quote history

I think he's burying his head here. Maybe he feels guilty or the association to the money is very upsetting for him. Not many would ignore 100k sitting in your account.

bigbluebus · 26/05/2022 19:12

I inherited a similar amount. I used it to pay for a couple of holidays (we'd had a major trauma in addition to DM dying), a car for DS as he needed one to get to work and some new furniture as our 3 piece suit and dining table were 25 years old. I've still got just over half of it 5 years later. In all likelihood it will eventually be used to help DS buy a house. I can't imagine not having spent any of it but equally didn't want to be frivolous with it.