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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to spend some of inheritance on the family

272 replies

BerylFeatures · 26/05/2022 18:02

DH's mum died a couple of years ago and he got £100,000 inheritance.

As far as I'm aware he's got it in his bank account and and not spent any of it.

We're not short of money but we're not well off either.

I was expecting him to at least take us on holiday but he hasn't mentioned it.

If you received an inheritance would you share it with your family?

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 26/05/2022 20:25

Lushmetender · 26/05/2022 18:51

Hi I will inherit some money from my parents house - both died within months of each other. Must admit I was irritated when my DH said what we should spend it on!!!! The point is 1 I don’t know how much it will be 2 my dads funeral hasn’t even taken place yet (tomorrow) plus 3. I’ve always worked really hard and main breadwinner in the house on 2.5 DH salary even though his earning potential could have been more - I think I’d like to use it to go part time. We still have to properly discuss but he will be eligible for even more from his parents when they go. Maybe I’m in the anger stage of grief!

Your Dad hasn't even been buried and your dh is me talking spending the money he's left?

What a charmless oaf.

DrippyLongstocking · 26/05/2022 20:25

Any inheritance money is joint money in our house.

I will say though that I recall a number of other threads where a large chunk of posters felt very differently, so I guess there are divergent views.

FrankLampardsBrokenHand · 26/05/2022 20:29

I see inheritance as belonging to the individual, not the couple, else it would have been assigned to the couple.

People have such different views on it, like I'd never ever use inheritance to fund a holiday and I'd be really angry if DH did that. But we keep our finances separate. He inherited a fairly substantial amount a few years ago and asked me what he should do with it, and I gave my opinion. But it was wholly up to him.

TonTonMacoute · 26/05/2022 20:30

The oddest part of your situation is that you've never discussed it. I can't imagine a relationship where someone inherits and there isn't a conversation about it

This!

Teakind · 26/05/2022 20:30

Yes, that's really odd. My DH and I have always taken the view that our money is family money, both when I earned more and now when he earns more.

Have you asked him what he plans to do with it? It could help pay off a mortgage.

Afterfire · 26/05/2022 20:32

I find it interesting that so many are against spending inheritance on a holiday. Why? It was one of the first things we spent some of mine on. We could never normally afford a luxury, really amazing type holiday and I knew my Mum
would have enjoyed seeing us use the money for a really special treat for the whole family. The memories will last a lifetime, that’s almost like another form of investment.

MiniCooperLover · 26/05/2022 20:35

Depends .. would you say you're happy, have a good marriage? Plans for the future? If all of those things are yes then he's prob just getting used to the idea of it. If any are no, possibly he's keeping his options open 🤷‍♀️

Woolandwonder · 26/05/2022 20:35

It does seem a bit odd. Me and DP aren't married and share finances, would discuss what to do with any money inherited. Maybe he's just not ready yet, there might be a lot of feelings mixed up with it.

2MinuteRice · 26/05/2022 20:37

adlitem · 26/05/2022 18:22

Hmm, I have to say I don't think it's as straight forward as receiving any other sum of money. When my mum died I inhereted what was - at the time - a substantial sum for me. However I found it extremely difficult to spend, kept it in a seperate account and referred to it as "mum's money" for years after I received it. I felt as if any spend of it had to be some kind of extra level of worthiness and I couldn't bear the thought I was squandering it.

So, I would say you ought to talk to him about it. Gently. But also realise that inheritance can for some people be extremely emotionally complex, and isn't just a matter of havign £100k in the bank and being too tight to share it with your wife.

I think that is a very good point.
My mum worked hard and saved all her life. If she left me anything I don't think I could spend it for a long time and then would possibly have to be on something that she would approve of!

DW received an inheritance from grandparents and as far as I was concerned it was hers to use as she wanted. It went into her account not our joint one.
We did discuss what to do with it but everything had to be entirely her decision.
In the end we got a new boiler, an extension on the house and we are going on an amazing family holiday later in the year. One that we would never usually spend that much money on!

NewYorkLassie · 26/05/2022 20:39

I see inheritance as belonging to the individual, not the couple, else it would have been assigned to the couple.

For lots of people this is a very valid point.

Winterflower84 · 26/05/2022 20:42

To answer your question - every penny! Any money that we earn/given is OURS, not mine or DH's. We have a joint account and all our spendings are transparent. What you are saying is utterly ridiculous, selfish behaviour. How do such families even function?

Blarting · 26/05/2022 20:46

Winterflower84 · 26/05/2022 20:42

To answer your question - every penny! Any money that we earn/given is OURS, not mine or DH's. We have a joint account and all our spendings are transparent. What you are saying is utterly ridiculous, selfish behaviour. How do such families even function?

Snap and we're very happy for that!

Dazedandconfused10 · 26/05/2022 20:52

Afterfire · 26/05/2022 20:08

But how does that work in a marriage? That really baffles me because dh and I own a house together, we have children together who need things paying for, we run a car together… where do you draw the line if any of those things require funding and you have money sitting in your account?

My first marriage was very separate in terms of finances and in the end it was one of the reasons we split up. It got to the point where he resented me spending money on food that he didn’t eat but I did and it was almost like we were house
mates not married together.

Dh and I have been together 15 years plus now and we share everything together.

Show quote history

He didn't contribute to the house or any other finances, the house was and is mine, I financed it all. When he left he walked away with nothing and had to start from scratch. Which, he agreed to because he knew he brought nothing financial to the relationship.

If I ever find myself in a serious relationship again I wouldn't live with them nor share finances.

MargaretThursday · 26/05/2022 20:55

I do think inheritance is something that is definitely for the person inheriting to decide what happens to it.
Even though me and dh share finances totally (well, I have a very small account which I used to buy presents so he doesn't see them on the bank statement before he's got it, and he has a credit card for the same reason) I wouldn't expect to feel that if he'd inherited, especially from his parents, that I had any right to say how he wanted to spend it, unless he asked.
I suspect we'd probably discuss it, but it would be at the person inheriting's decision not the other person. If dh wanted to spend it on a flashy new gadget that he would use and no one else, unless we were struggling for necessities then I don't think it would be for me to object. He would be using it to remember his parents in a way that would bring comfort to him.

I also suspect that if this was a woman posting that their dh was pressurising them to spend their inheritance from their parents on a holiday and discuss what they'd spend it on then there would be multiple comments of "LTB" and "red flags".

mnnewbie111 · 26/05/2022 21:01

A million percent I would. He wouldn't expect it but it would be weird of me not to and certainly weird to not mention it at all

mnnewbie111 · 26/05/2022 21:06

MargosKaftan · 26/05/2022 18:31

Have you not asked questions like "have you thought about what to do with your inheritance from your mums estate? Shall we look at investing it?"

I wouldn't automatically assume it should be spent on fun things, but should be invested for thr family long term security.

I get why she hasn't. It's so much money and if he's not voluntarily bringing it up, he's made it awkward so she doesn't feel like she can

Namechangedforspooky · 26/05/2022 21:07

I inherited a similar amount a few years ago. DH made it very clear it was my money to do what I like with. In the end I used about half to pay a chunk off the mortgage and the rest went on a mixture of clearing both our debt s them a holiday, new boiler and a few other home improvements that we’d been saving up for.
j wouldn’t have wanted to be told how to spend all of it but I did view it as money to be spent on the family rather than mine alone. Just have the conversation

mnnewbie111 · 26/05/2022 21:08

Sweepingeyelashes · 26/05/2022 18:33

I've been married 30 years. I have kept my inheritance in my separate accounts. It is safely invested. I am not frittering it away. My parents worked hard for that money and it's for my future security. I never even thought of spending it on a holiday. My husband is likely to inherit in the near future and I would expect him to do something similar. In due course we might want to finance our children into houses which I think would be something our parents would have approved of us doing with the money.

YeH but am assuming you've discussed it with him so that's different. She's being left in the dark

HardRockOwl · 26/05/2022 21:09

I inherited a vast sum from wealthy parents. It was 'ours' and not 'mine.' My parents loved my husband and it was just the right thing to do for us.

WhackingPhoenix · 26/05/2022 21:10

Incredible, a woman posts about inheritance she’s received and she’s told she mustn’t share a penny.

A woman posts about her husband’s inheritance and she’s encouraged to ask why he hasn’t shared it.

Hoolahoophop · 26/05/2022 21:17

DH had a similar inheritance. Feels it needs to go to a good use so for 20.years it's been invested. I expect it will become part of our pension.

Bunnycat101 · 26/05/2022 21:17

Inheritance would be absolutely seen as joint in our household and we’d both be in agreement that it would be largely used for something sensible. If we had £100k tomorrow it would be either invested or put into the mortgage. We might take 10% for something fun like a holiday or piece of furniture.

A lot of people do feel guilty around inheritance money though- it is much more emotionally complex than a lottery win or other windfall.

bellac11 · 26/05/2022 21:19

WhackingPhoenix · 26/05/2022 21:10

Incredible, a woman posts about inheritance she’s received and she’s told she mustn’t share a penny.

A woman posts about her husband’s inheritance and she’s encouraged to ask why he hasn’t shared it.

Its not incredible, this forum is where men are always (and the only ones) who are abusive, controlling, arseholes, twats, selfish, stupid or who arent 'committed' by way of something they've either done or not done.

StarDolphins · 26/05/2022 21:22

I wouldn’t share inheritance in that my partner would have equal access no! I have always had my own separate account &always will.

However, I would certainly make that clear & I would invest some & take my family in a lovely holiday & anything else needed on the house!

bellac11 · 26/05/2022 21:22

mnnewbie111 · 26/05/2022 21:06

I get why she hasn't. It's so much money and if he's not voluntarily bringing it up, he's made it awkward so she doesn't feel like she can

Show quote history

She has agency, she can ask or not ask. Perhaps if she feels like she cant she realises its not really appropriate

No one can make someone feel awkward or that they cant or can do a thing.