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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to spend some of inheritance on the family

272 replies

BerylFeatures · 26/05/2022 18:02

DH's mum died a couple of years ago and he got £100,000 inheritance.

As far as I'm aware he's got it in his bank account and and not spent any of it.

We're not short of money but we're not well off either.

I was expecting him to at least take us on holiday but he hasn't mentioned it.

If you received an inheritance would you share it with your family?

OP posts:
cptartapp · 26/05/2022 19:14

I put my inheritance into my savings to retire early. DH will put his (if he gets one) into his savings. He will already retire early. He's a high earner and out earns me sixfold.
Our mortgage was paid off and we luckily didn't 'need' anything.

Namenic · 26/05/2022 19:14

I would think some people would want to spend it in a way that the person (who left the money) would have approved of. This may include helping children with uni or house deposits.

Crystalvas · 26/05/2022 19:16

All money that comes into out house inheritance or not id jointly owned.

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/05/2022 19:16

My husband would automatically share. I'd be a bit more reticent.

I can imagine that if I ever receive an inheritance actually spending the money will be a lot harder than it would be if I'd won or been given the money. Somehow I can't imagine feeling that things like a new kitchen would feel worthy of money gained by grief.

Hbh17 · 26/05/2022 19:20

My husband got a 6 figure inheritance 10 years ago. As far as I know, it was all invested. I never really asked him about it because it's his money - it wasn't left to me. But as we get older and use investments to supplement our pensions, then I guess I will benefit from some of it.

ancientgran · 26/05/2022 19:22

Inheritance is a funny thing, some people are thrilled with it and some feel almost guilty for having it. When my MIL died my husband didn't want anything to do with it and just gave it to me. He's never asked me what I did with it in 17 years. Some of it went towards a car, some on a holiday and some is in savings but he just washed his hands of it.

It must feel frustrating not knowing but I'm not sure what is the best thing to do. I hope he's OK.

BashfulClam · 26/05/2022 19:22

AnnaMagnani · 26/05/2022 19:10

Loving the assumptions that everyone's parents worked hard for their money!

Both DH and I would agree whose parents worked hard, and it wasn't his, but he is the one with the big inheritance coming.

Pick your industry well, don't start out dirt poor, and have a good 1980s - then just watch your money grow by itself. His mum definitely didn't work hard, she's just accumulated inheritances over the years while being sniffy about people on benefits.

DH’s father (not his mother she’s always been lazy) and my intents did work hard and scrimped and struggled to buy their homes and build savings.

Karatema · 26/05/2022 19:23

I understand this. My husband inherited money from his DF and he never said what he intended to do with it until his DM went into a care home (we are talking less than £30k). He's spent it on his DM and I understand this completely. He knows it's what his DF would have wanted; despite them being divorced for 15 years.

Mosaic123 · 26/05/2022 19:24

I'd gently ask your DH what his Mum would have wanted him to do with the money and start from there.

He might like to buy something for the garden, say a tree or a rose, in her memory.

AchatAVendre · 26/05/2022 19:26

Thats pretty poop. By way of comparison, my DH came into about half that amount 6 months ago and bought me a car (not a new one but a good one) and us both an exotic holiday. I don't see the point of it sitting in a bank account at low rates of interest.

Pegasaurus · 26/05/2022 19:27

Well if you're married then surely legally and morally it's joint money and you should be working together to make decisions. I don't think tucking it away is a bad thing, in our family inheritances tend to fund the next generations retirement but he should be discussing it with you.

Onlywomengivebirth · 26/05/2022 19:28

I’d consider it family money. Just like our income. Of course if there’s enough of it, it’s nice to earmark it for something special, in honour of the deceased person, I suppose.

MissBPotter · 26/05/2022 19:28

I inherited £90,000 and put it all in to our house renovations. House in jointly owned and was in a pretty bad state needing lots of work. I wouldn’t have dreamed of spending it on myself whilst leaving my kids to live in a run down property. He should certainly be sharing most if not all and it should be discussed jointly as you are married. If you weren’t married he would be justified in not discussing it. Also if you are already mortgage free and have tons of disposable income I would say he could just keep it for hisself, but otherwise it needs to be family money (or mostly).

Lovelydovey · 26/05/2022 19:28

I feel that the inheritance I received when my parents passed away is mine (six figures) - not my DHs. Similarly the money he inherited from his mum is his (five figures) - not mine. He thinks the same.

All of it is still invested and not spent. If anything I’d like to keep it that way to pass on to my children. But we might also choose to use it to move to a larger house - but in no rush to do so.

FiveShelties · 26/05/2022 19:28

BigSandyBalls2015 · 26/05/2022 18:15

Any inheritance is joint money in our house.

This.

I cannot imagine any other way, we are a team.

Darbs76 · 26/05/2022 19:30

Absolutely, at least with a partner / husband and I’d also take the family on holiday. My mum gave my brother and I £1000 each when my Nanna died, in the early 90’s so worth more now but it was nice to receive that.

BeatricePortinari · 26/05/2022 19:33

Of course. Because everything we own is joint.

When my husband inherited it automatically went into our joint account and we discussed what we would do with it.

Other couples may choose to do it differently but that decision should be discussed and agreed. I find it strange and not a good sign when couples have central issues like this they don't discuss.
I

IncompleteSenten · 26/05/2022 19:33

Absolutely I would.
I have.
Nothing like that amount of money! Only a few thousand but it went straight into the family pot.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/05/2022 19:34

When I inherited a large amount I paid off our mortgage, bought myself a new car (had an old banger before), gave DH money towards a new car, some has gone on the family holiday of a lifetime, some will be earmarked for kids' uni expenses and to start them off with their first property when they are ready to buy. We are both still working full time but are both knackered out so I have left some to invest for an early retirement for me and for him when he is ready to retire. I don't want him working to 67 if I still have money to cover both our living expenses.

Perhaps he is still thinking about what to do. Stock markets are very volatile, and interest rates are going up. You need to be sensible.

Badger1970 · 26/05/2022 19:35

Dh had a very substantial inheritance from his late father. It wasn't remotely expected, and was quite bittersweet for DH as they had a complex relationship at best.

He paid off our mortgage, we had a few treats like a holiday/things for the house but the majority of it is still in DH's savings. I wouldn't dream of suggesting spending it because in some ways it's been quite a headfuck for DH.

I won't be getting any inheritance from anyone, but if I did, it would be mine to decide what to do with.

Onwards22 · 26/05/2022 19:37

Are you mortgage free?

I would think he’s saving it for retirement but I’d say paying off the mortgage is way more important.

I get not talking about it in depth but it’s odd he’s not said he’s saving it, going to wait to decide, save it for the kids etc.

After 2 years I would just ask if he’s thought about what he’s doing with it yet - that’s not being grabby.

thesugarbumfairy · 26/05/2022 19:37

I think its tight. But honestly, it depends on how your family functions day to day.

My husband just inherited about this amount from a relative. He is shit with money. Not a clue. He is an accountant but apparently the skill does not transfer into actual household finances🙄He also is very lackadaisical (sp) about money in general and I do all home admin. But he is very generous too. Happy to share what he has with us.
We've had a lot of discussions since we were made aware how much he would be getting, but I know full well it will just sit in the bank doing very little (as it currently is) so I made suggestions, on a spreadsheet, because he likes those.

A significant proportion put aside for the children to use for further education or otherwise. (we both think this is what the relative would have wanted) All debts (apart from mortgage)have been cleared. A large set amount put aside for a new car for DH (he won't be arsed to buy one until his old banger finally dies - but at least he will be able to fund a new one when it does) A new garden which has been on the cards for ages and will benefit us all (but if I'm honest its really for me). And a 'big' family holiday before the kids are too old to want to go away with us anymore. I have asked him to look into where to put the lump sums, but of course he hasn't done anything yet. There is at least a plan though.

If I ever inherit, which seems unlikely as my DM is so sprightly she will outlive me, the money will be for the whole family too. I think its fair.

Badknitter · 26/05/2022 19:40

Oh inherited some money, paid for a holiday for us and kept the rest for themselves. If I ever inherit I expect to do the same as she did

Macaroni1924 · 26/05/2022 19:45

Do you not talk to your husband? I would have discussed this at length with my DH it’s what you do.

bellac11 · 26/05/2022 19:47

I wouldnt 'share' any inheritance with my OH, I may get something, half a house worth, or my parents might need care but if I do get something that is my money not ours.

I might book us a holiday or some meals out, things that would benefit me and him but ultimately I would look to put it into an investment for myself.

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