DS21 threatened DD18

[Safarigiraffe]

Today when me/husband were at work DS was in the bathroom & DD had just got ready to leave to go to college. DD knocked on bathroom door & asked my son to hurry up as she was on a tight schedule to get the bus to leave, DS said to her no you have to wait and DD became agitated and started shouting at him to hurry up.
DS then came out the bathroom shoving daughter back in the stomach hard shouting/swearing & intimidating her so DD at this point was very visibly upset & shaking as it wasn’t like my son to react on this way and went to the bathroom to which DS then pushed the door open again shouting/swearing in her face.
DD was at college crying on/off all day, now we have spoken to DD & to DD saying this must never happen again, DS is refusing to apologise & DD never wants to speak to him ever again saying she now feels uncomfortable to be in the house with him however we both work and can’t take time off. (DD is at college DS at Uni)
Can anyone advise of the best way forward here
Many thanks to everyone

Your son is an adult. I’d be telling him to find somewhere else to live if that was how he was going to behave.

If he refuses to apologise and sort himself out then he needs to move out or be removed from the home. Actions have consquences. Unacceptable behaviour isn't tolerated under my roof.

why do you think your son behaved this way?
what reason did he give?
does he suffer from stomach problems?
is this out of character for him?
because imo he either sees a doctor or leaves

hes 21 and violent

Are you sure this is exactly how it happened as you weren't there. Have they both explained what happened independently? Does it seem likely that your son behaved like this? If you 100% believe your daughter the if it were my son he would be finding somewhere else to live or apologising and changing his behaviour.

If you say your ds is not like this, is your dd telling the truth? Seems more concerning if he did this so out of character don't you think?

Very out of character for him however he didn’t give a reason either apart from he was getting ready & DD was rushing/shouting at him to get out

I would sit them both down and get to the bottom of this.
You say it’s unlike your DS.
Only the two of them were there and know the truth. Sit them both down and hear their sides.

Are both their version of events the same ?

Yes I believe my DD she’s not one to lie however my son hasn’t said she’s not lying either

If this is the case then you need to sit down with DS and make plans for him to move out immediately. Into uni accommodation if necessary.

Adult men do not assault women and get away with it. I don't care that she's his sister. He is an adult male and he shoved a woman in the stomach, screamed in her face, intimidated her. If he'd done it to a stranger he'd be in a police cell currently.

Asked my DS his version he said nothing apart from all sorted don’t worry about it

Ok your son needs to leave then .

Taking drugs, watching porn, something going on with him in the bathroom?

My sons looking for a flat & has been for a while

however my son hasn’t said she’s not lying either

You don't seem to be angry with your son?

If he isn't apologising, then he presumably thinks being violent to family members is OK and I think you'll have to ask him to move out. Could one of you take a couple of day's emergency leave to supervise and ensure your dd is safe to give him 48 hours notice of having to leave? If not, maybe pay for a hotel for a couple of nights? You'll have to make sure you he doesn't have a key to access the property.

Obviously you cannot expect your dd to live and be alone with a adult man who has assaulted her with no assurance this won't happen again.

I was very angry with my son I had a very strong talk with him and said this is not to happen ever again

well he needs to look harder or go to a shelter or relative while he looks .
if he can’t give any explanation and won’t apologize then he thinks this is acceptable behavior.
protect your daughter

@Safarigiraffe and what did he say when you had that talk with him?

This is very out of character for my son he’s not done something like this before ever so we are wondering why he’s reacted like this

Op isn't going to kick her son out and I can understand her hesitance. It was so out of character, she needs to get more of an explanation from him as to what happened. Have you directly asked him if he pushed her and what was his answer?

He just said nothing apart from don’t worry all sorted

This is a normal occurrence in my house 😂 it’s just fighting siblings!

If your dd had been assaulted by an adult man who she wasn't related to, would you consider repeatedly leaving her alone with him because he had been told by his mother not to do it again, even though he did not appear to see anything wrong with assaulting her?

I don't think you would.

Either he recognises the severity of the jncident and commits to change, or you have to safeguard her by asking him to leave.

What you have described is your dd experiencing domestic abuse.

Yes I have been questioning him however he won’t answer