DS21 threatened DD18

[Safarigiraffe]

Today when me/husband were at work DS was in the bathroom & DD had just got ready to leave to go to college. DD knocked on bathroom door & asked my son to hurry up as she was on a tight schedule to get the bus to leave, DS said to her no you have to wait and DD became agitated and started shouting at him to hurry up.
DS then came out the bathroom shoving daughter back in the stomach hard shouting/swearing & intimidating her so DD at this point was very visibly upset & shaking as it wasn’t like my son to react on this way and went to the bathroom to which DS then pushed the door open again shouting/swearing in her face.
DD was at college crying on/off all day, now we have spoken to DD & to DD saying this must never happen again, DS is refusing to apologise & DD never wants to speak to him ever again saying she now feels uncomfortable to be in the house with him however we both work and can’t take time off. (DD is at college DS at Uni)
Can anyone advise of the best way forward here
Many thanks to everyone

Unbelievable. Your daughter spent the whole day distraught and sobbing and even now refuses to have anything to do with her brother. But 4 days later, after your son finally opens his mouth, you're now telling her that you don't believe her. You're telling her that you think she's could be a liar. Wow.

Has she ever falsely accused anyone of hurting her before? Has she ever reacted so strongly to just a verbal argument?

If that girl never trusts you again, you only have yourself to blame.

My younger brother used to have an awful temper as a child, and would frequently lash out at me even as we got into the teen years. I never ever hit back, but I'm sure I had a gob on me and I probably said things that annoyed him, yes. I actually have two quite noticeable scars from injuries he caused me, one when we were very young and one from when I was about 15.

It always went like this; me and my brother would argue, he'd end up hitting, pushing, or throwing something at me, I'd shout in pain and call for my mother, and my mother would storm in saying "Belephant!! What have you said now!"

Eventually she'd tell him off for being violent but it would always, always ultimately come down to "but this wouldn't have happened if you just wouldn't wind him up".

I really do believe that this is a major factor into why I accepted violent behaviour from a past partner - I distinctly felt like it was my fault. Very cliché, I know, but it's true. I am close to my mother now after many years, but this is one thing I will never probably be able to stop resenting her for.

For what it's worth, I get on with my brother now too but him being the golden child hasn't done him many favours either - he's clueless when it comes to functioning as an adult without help from others and he has a huge, almost comically exaggerated victim complex to top it all off. Nothing is ever his fault in his eyes, and any constructive criticism from absolutely anyone is tantamount to an attempt to ruin his life.

I imagine that my mother probably just didn't know how to deal with my brother's behaviour and thought blaming me would stop the situations arising. It didn't and it has helped neither of us as adults.

BadNomad - no where have I said that I’ve said to my daughter I don’t believe her - in fact I do believe her & my son has been spoken to

And yet you said they were "equally to blame" despite believing her side of things therefore that believing that yes she shouted at him to hurry up, but then he shoved her so hard it hurt, followed her when she tried to get away then shouted and screamed in her face aggressively so she felt intimidated, refused to apologise for the above, refused to talk to you about it for days.

Equally to blame though?

Make it make sense...

But can you not see then how you are saying that your son's physical response to verbal abuse is justified? She caused that to happen. It's her fault. And if you believe her as you say, then that means your son is lying to you. A thug and a liar is being treated the same way as the person he hurt.

This.

They can't both be wrong and both be right.

Only one person was assaulted, yes assaulted.

She was pushed and shoved deliberately and aggressively.

OP, you can't have it both ways.

Think about how you want your daughter to remember this episode.

Read @Belephant's post.
She was the one who was held responsible for her brothers lack of control, by her mother.

I understand you are struggling to do the right thing here.

But focusing on the long term message you want your daughter to get from you is key.

Do you want her to believe that any man has the right to assault her?
Even if she is shouting and swearing?

For me it is that simple.
I know that I would never want my daughters to think that.

Thankfully my husband would be as strong in his view of this.

So if you believe your daughter then your son is a liar as well as physically violent.

I would chuck him out. He had crossed a line.

That's about as clear as mud OP. I hope you're on a wind up because if it's real you're making a real pig's ear of this.

Oh well as long as its her own fault she got assaulted then who cares

In a few years maybe she will marry a man who slaps her around if shes a bit gobby

And she will stay, because shes already learnt from her parents that if she swears she is at fault so no one is going to defend her and she should just put up with it, just like she did at home

And so it continues through another generation

This poor girl. Shes known not to be a liar but the moment her son says she was swearing you've decided that makes it all okay and you can brush it all under the rug because why bother to believe her