Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help please - is this "fair"?

331 replies

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:21

A situation has arisen within the family. I am just looking for opinions please on how “fair” (or otherwise) people think the following situation is.

Jenny and Laura are sisters, and their situations are thus:

Jenny has 2 children, one secondary school aged and the other 1 year old. She lives a 2 hour drive away from her parents (DCs’ grandparents), who have never since youngest DC’s birth offered to visit to support with childcare. Jenny suffered severe PND following birth of youngest DC and is still recovering with professional support. She works full time. Her DH works FT, in a non family friendly job with long shifts and unsociable hours, meaning a lot of the childcare falls to Jenny around her own working days. PILs live locally but do not offer any support at all with DC.

Laura has 3 children, a 3 year old and 8 month old twins. She lives a 1 hour drive from her parents, who offer her regular support with childcare. She is mentally far more robust than Jenny. She is still on maternity leave. DH works from home full time with the very occasional night away. PILs and paternal aunties/uncles of DC live locally and offer support with DC.

Is it right that Laura gets more support than Jenny from their parents given her situation? In other words does the relative support offered to each sibling by their parents seem fair given their situations? Or does any of it seem unfair to you?

Any thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:
Billandben444 · 25/05/2022 21:25

It doesn't seem fair on the surface but is there a back story?

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:27

No back story. Both sisters have always got on well and are equally a part of the family. No prior failings out or issues within the family etc.

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 25/05/2022 21:29

Firstly, grandparents don’t owe any childcare to anyone.

The situations of the sisters could appear pretty similar, other than the 2 hour drive which would make a childcare quite a bit more if a chore than an hours drive. Regular childcare with 4 hours of travel to do would not be top of my list of things to do to be honest.

I wonder how much Jenny has actually communicated her frustration or just sits and quietly fumes away. Do the GPS know about the PND, has Jenny asked for help?

nocoolnamesleft · 25/05/2022 21:30

A two hour round trip and a four hour round trip do take different amounts out of the day. One is a fairly typical commuting distance, the other is not...

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:30

Do the GPS know about the PND, has Jenny asked for help?

Yes. And yes in the past she has.

OP posts:
TerryChoc · 25/05/2022 21:30

Doesn’t seem fair no. Unfortunately I see this so so often, and through all the generations. I can’t offer an explanation as to why but it is heartbreaking for those in need of help and not getting it from those who are happy to offer the help elsewhere.
I hope you’re not the Jenny and if you are I hope you get the support you need, PND and no support is hard.

Hugasauras · 25/05/2022 21:31

One hour and two hours is quite a big difference in terms of daily care though I think? You're talking about two hours of travel time a day v four. An hour somewhere and an back isn't too onerous to do in a day, two hours there and back is. So I can understand why it's maybe not practical for them to offer the same childcare due to the difference distance.

tootiredtospeak · 25/05/2022 21:32

It's kind of obvious who Jenny is. On the surface no it doesnt but there are so many things that factor into family dynamics. Is Jenny the oldest does she communicate how much she has struggled. Most people would think twins are harder than one child and the distance is much more.

ScootsMcHoy · 25/05/2022 21:33

But Jenny lives two hours away, that's too far for childcare. And Laura has two small babies and a three year old. That's quite a lot going on.

I wouldn't not help my daughter with her dc because I had another daughter l

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:33

Is Jenny the oldest does she communicate how much she has struggled.

She's the youngest. And yes she has attempted to on occasion.

OP posts:
lisavanderpumpscloset · 25/05/2022 21:33

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:30

Do the GPS know about the PND, has Jenny asked for help?

Yes. And yes in the past she has.

What was the answer from Jenny's parents?

On the face of it, it does seem unfair, however Jenny lives double the travel time of Laura so I can see why the lack of help may be the case.

Jenny's OH needs to take on his share of the childcare responsibilities

picklemewalnuts · 25/05/2022 21:33

Laura has three under three, and twins. It's great she has support, she likely needs it.

It's unfortunate that Jenny lives so far away, it makes supporting her far harder, as overnight stays or long drives are required.

Is there anything Jenny and her husband could do, to improve life?

mdinbc · 25/05/2022 21:33

A 2 hour drive is a long way away for day to day support. I don't think adult children should expect help, but appreciate it if offered.

Does Jenny expect Mum to drive for 2 hours to do childcare while she works, then 2 hours home again? That's not reasonable. Even 1 hour is too much for regular childcare.

redskyatnight · 25/05/2022 21:33

What do the GPs say?
Assuming all relationships are good, I would imagine this may be a case of 1 hour away being "easily popping down for the day or even half a day" whereas 2 hours is much more tiring and needs a longer committment.
Also, I guess twins are more work than a singleton baby.

tootiredtospeak · 25/05/2022 21:34

I would personally think a secondary child and a 1 year old is much much easier than a 3 year old and twins. I am not here to bash you though I'd your struggling speak up they are your family it doesnt need to be a fall out.

Happyplace88 · 25/05/2022 21:34

It’s the travel distance to me. - 4 hour round trip is a massive imposition; 2 hours, not so much. It’s a shame but it is what it is.

Hospedia · 25/05/2022 21:35

I think distance is they key factor here and that Laura sees them more/gets more support simply because lives nearer. An hour there and an hour back isn't really that bad of a drive however two hours there and two hours back is, if you needed childcare from - say - 8am until 5pm, they'd have to set off by at least 6am and wouldn't get home until gone 7pm.

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:35

Jenny's OH needs to take on his share of the childcare responsibilities

He is really good with childcare and he does an awful lot when he's not at work. The issue is his unsociable hours that make it more challenging so more inevitably falls to Jenny.

OP posts:
Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:36

Thanks everyone for your responses. It seems the distance is the deciding factor in making it more likely Laura will get support, which makes sense.

OP posts:
CTPT · 25/05/2022 21:36

If both Jenny and DH work full time can they not afford any childcare so that it lessens the burden on Jenny?

I think PP are right that 4hour round trip is too much for regular childcare.

MichelleScarn · 25/05/2022 21:36

How do you Jenny know Laura...is mentally far more robust than Jenny? And that since her twins have been born 8 months ago, that shes not struggling?

InChocolateWeTrust · 25/05/2022 21:37

I would assume that a 3 year and 8 month twins needs more childcare help than one 1 year old, both in terms of cost and generally (a secondary age DC doesnt need childcare).

Also the distance is significant. As a pp said, a 2 hour round trip is quite manageable, 4 hours isn't.

Hospedia · 25/05/2022 21:37

Could he request flexible working on the grounds of having childcare responsibilities? DH worked long, often unsocial, hours until recently when he made an application for family-friendly shift patterns. Now he works the same amount of hours but only between 8am and 6pm.

MichelleScarn · 25/05/2022 21:38

And what 'childcare' is Jenny doing for secondary aged child which could be aged from 11-18?

Hospedia · 25/05/2022 21:38

Or is there a possibility Jenny could move closer in order to access support? Not even necessarily practical support like childcare, even just moral support such as being able to pop in for a cuppa and a chat.