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Original poster

Help please - is this "fair"?

331 replies

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:21

A situation has arisen within the family. I am just looking for opinions please on how “fair” (or otherwise) people think the following situation is.

Jenny and Laura are sisters, and their situations are thus:

Jenny has 2 children, one secondary school aged and the other 1 year old. She lives a 2 hour drive away from her parents (DCs’ grandparents), who have never since youngest DC’s birth offered to visit to support with childcare. Jenny suffered severe PND following birth of youngest DC and is still recovering with professional support. She works full time. Her DH works FT, in a non family friendly job with long shifts and unsociable hours, meaning a lot of the childcare falls to Jenny around her own working days. PILs live locally but do not offer any support at all with DC.

Laura has 3 children, a 3 year old and 8 month old twins. She lives a 1 hour drive from her parents, who offer her regular support with childcare. She is mentally far more robust than Jenny. She is still on maternity leave. DH works from home full time with the very occasional night away. PILs and paternal aunties/uncles of DC live locally and offer support with DC.

Is it right that Laura gets more support than Jenny from their parents given her situation? In other words does the relative support offered to each sibling by their parents seem fair given their situations? Or does any of it seem unfair to you?

Any thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:
SalmonEile · 25/05/2022 22:28

Ok well then they did the “grandparent”
thing when Jenny’s eldest was a baby , were they upset when Jenny moved away with them by the way? Were they close?
then when Laura had her first they didn’t do much and then Jenny had her second and they didn’t help either
then Laura had twins and they had to step up and probably haven’t much energy left to give which sucks for Jenny but I’m not sure what the solution is

timeisnotaline · 25/05/2022 22:28

2 hours is too far for childcare. My bil moved maybe 1.5h away and their regular childcare from parents ended, because it’s not feasible.
Also, they didn’t regularly drive an hour to help Laura until she had twins and 3 under 3. Even people who haven’t had a baby hear that combination and understand that’s a mum that needs more support than most. Given Jenny had help with her first (that exciting first grandchild) and Laura didn’t so much I don’t see favouritism here. If parents could go stay overnight with Jenny once every couple of months and help then that would be great but she can’t expect any more- certainly not visiting for a chat!

coffeecupsandfairylights · 25/05/2022 22:28

Surely Jenny you can see that it's impossible for parents to provide regular childcare when the grandchildren live a two hour drive away?

How do you Jenny think that should work in practical, affordable terms?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/05/2022 22:28

My initial thoughts before I read subsequent posts:

  1. Jenny is 2 hours away. Therefore it js much harder for people to come and help daily. She could reconsider the location of her family home if she wanted to access family more easily.
  1. The family seem to be able to handle a 1hr drive to help Laura. If Jenny and her family relocated to where Laura lived Jenny would have a lot more company and possibly a lot more support.
  1. The main source of support for Jennys PND should come from her husband. If his job is detrimental to family wellbeing, he needs to look to improve that - he made a vow to his wife and leaving her to flounder while he works insane hours is not (imo) a sign of a good partner
  1. Laura isn't responsible for the amount of help she is able to access that Jenny isn't. I'd hope this doesn't affect Jenny and Laura's relationship.

OK, I'm off to read all the rest of the posts....

coffeecupsandfairylights · 25/05/2022 22:28

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:27

4 hour round trip for regular help from likely fairly old grand parents? It’s not feasible.

They are late 50s/ very early 60s. That's not truly "old", I don't think. But I take your point about distance and feasibility.

I'm in my early thirties and wouldn't want to be doing that much driving on a regular basis!

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:29

Was Jenny in a fragile state prior to deliberately getting pg with DC 2 (it’s a massive age gap) so it’s a case of made your bed.

Jenny's mental health was very good prior to DC2. A difficult pregnancy and traumatic birth contributed to a significant decline postpartum.

OP posts:
JayAlfredPrufrock · 25/05/2022 22:30

Jenny shouldn’t have moved so far away then.

Merryoldgoat · 25/05/2022 22:30

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:25

I accept that "fair" was a poor choice of word. I wasn't sure how else to get it across. Balanced, maybe?

You cannot make all things equal as a parent. And as a child it’s unrealistic to expect the exact same treatment every time.

DH’s brother has had financially precarious times and PIL helped them financially but we haven’t needed it.

Thet help us with our children because we’re 15 mins away.

They couldn’t help DBIL because he’s three hours away.

If she lived round the corner then fine but she doesn’t.

Mally100 · 25/05/2022 22:30

Jenny has one child and a pair of hands for that one child. The Primary aged one should be quite capable of not needing mum to run after them. Jenny has one pair of hands and 3 children! No Brainer why your parents are helping her. She needs it much more. You come across a bit judgemental over your parents choice, when actually they are very kindly giving up alot of their time doing this.

thebluehen · 25/05/2022 22:31

I haven't read the whole thread. I wonder if the grandparents struggle with talking about mental health? Do they deal with it by ignoring it and avoiding contact? Certainly not the right thing to do but might explain things?

LovePoppy · 25/05/2022 22:31

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:50

If I am a third sibling who is part of the same WhatsApp family discussion group... then yes I do.

Show quote history

Can you offer to help Jenny then? Or ask your parents? Or explain she’s struggling?

lots you can do

Dixiechickonhols · 25/05/2022 22:31

Read your update and Jenny has already had support with dc1. I bet that gets forgotten.
TBH I’d think Jenny knew what she was getting into. She knew parents were 2 hours away so not able to be helping like they did with DC 1. She knew DC1 would need ferrying to activities. Knew husband wasn’t going to be around due to work.

PortalooSunset · 25/05/2022 22:31

I live further away from dparents than dsis. Her dc got regular childcare from our parents (no idea if this was paid for or not, I've never asked as it's none of my business). Even when dns were much older they were going for tea every week. Obvs being further away mine couldn't have that but it was due to circumstance rather than preferences.

Jalepenojello · 25/05/2022 22:32

A two hour round trip feels doable. 4 seems heavy to me in terms of regular help. I’d assume that why. I can shrug off driving an hour. 2 hours definitely feels like a trek at the end of a long day.

steff13 · 25/05/2022 22:32

If you're in the family What'sApp, are you family, and if so, can you help Jenny?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/05/2022 22:32

I'd say all other matter aside, a woman with 3dc under 3 needs more assistance in practical terms than a woman with one under 1.

NoSquirrels · 25/05/2022 22:32

The more hands on regular help has been since the twins' arrival.

This is the crux. Twins are a shitload of work!

One sister has 3 DC, 3 and under - and 2 babies.

One sister has 2 DC, 11 and under - 1 baby.

Leaving aside everything else (husbands, jobs, mental state, travel time) 3 children under 3 including a set of twins is going to need more hands-on help than a secondary school child and a baby.

Jalepenojello · 25/05/2022 22:32

A two hour round trip feels doable. 4 seems heavy to me in terms of regular help. I’d assume that why. I can shrug off driving an hour. 2 hours definitely feels like a trek at the end of a long day.

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:33

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/05/2022 22:28

My initial thoughts before I read subsequent posts:

  1. Jenny is 2 hours away. Therefore it js much harder for people to come and help daily. She could reconsider the location of her family home if she wanted to access family more easily.
  1. The family seem to be able to handle a 1hr drive to help Laura. If Jenny and her family relocated to where Laura lived Jenny would have a lot more company and possibly a lot more support.
  1. The main source of support for Jennys PND should come from her husband. If his job is detrimental to family wellbeing, he needs to look to improve that - he made a vow to his wife and leaving her to flounder while he works insane hours is not (imo) a sign of a good partner
  1. Laura isn't responsible for the amount of help she is able to access that Jenny isn't. I'd hope this doesn't affect Jenny and Laura's relationship.

OK, I'm off to read all the rest of the posts....

On your second point - this is exactly what Jenny and her DH have discussed. The sticking point is always that Jenny's eldest would have to move schools and this seems unfair as they are settled with friends from primary school.

On your third point - Jenny has raised this with him. He is aware his job contributes to her stress levels. He is generally supportive as much as he can be when he is home. He has been emotionally supportive in abundance with her PND struggles.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 25/05/2022 22:33

Three kids under four including twins must be very hard. Just because the dh works at home surely doesn't mean he can be on hand to help a lot of the time ?

STARCATCHER22 · 25/05/2022 22:33

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:16

What do her parents say when Jenny asks for help?

"We'd love to if you were closer"

I don’t really understand how much clearer the parents could make their answer to Jenny.

The distance is clearly the reason they aren’t offering more support. They have clearly told Jenny this.

A four hour round trip to pop in for a chat with someone would be ridiculous. Also, if they do it once, isn’t Jenny going to expect them to do it more?

I also don’t believe that you’re the third sibling. You seem to know an enormous amount about Jenny, her husband’s work, the conversations with your parents and her mental health. In the unlikely event you are the third sibling, do the 4 hour round trip yourself when your sister needs you.

Mally100 · 25/05/2022 22:34

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:27

4 hour round trip for regular help from likely fairly old grand parents? It’s not feasible.

They are late 50s/ very early 60s. That's not truly "old", I don't think. But I take your point about distance and feasibility.

It may not be old to you, but who are you to say what they are capable of or actually want to do. I'll be mid 50s when my ds is old enough to leave home, there is no way that I'm doing any childcare all over again!!

Ragwort · 25/05/2022 22:34

Expecting people to do a four hour round trip to 'help' with a secondary school DC and a one year old (when there are two parents involved ... even if busy working) is a massive ask.
What help are you offering OP?

MasterBeth · 25/05/2022 22:35

If Jenny talks to her parents in as oblique a way as she posts on Mumsnet, then it's probably no surprise that she doesn't understand why her parents treat her and her sister differently. Jenny says that she has, in the past, occassionally tried to communicate her frustrations with her parents, but maybe she would be better off asking them directly for more help rather than posting in the 3rd person in Mumsnet.

Mellowyellow222 · 25/05/2022 22:35

when My mum retired she was expected to do childcare. It was about a one hour commute to my sisters. That was too Much for her after forty years of commuting. I think that is reasonable.

expecting the grandparents to travel two hours, look after a one year old and then drive another two hours is, in my opinion, asking far too much.

jenny and her husband should have considered how they would cope before having the second child. Surely the anti social Hours work in Jenny’s favour - her husband will Regularly be home during her working hours?

maybe the parents are closer to her sister, maybe they don’t mind front one hour to help out with three children? Who knows.

beat stay out of it - it’s between your sisters and your parents.