Help please - is this "fair"?

[curlywurlyfairy]

A situation has arisen within the family. I am just looking for opinions please on how “fair” (or otherwise) people think the following situation is.

Jenny and Laura are sisters, and their situations are thus:

Jenny has 2 children, one secondary school aged and the other 1 year old. She lives a 2 hour drive away from her parents (DCs’ grandparents), who have never since youngest DC’s birth offered to visit to support with childcare. Jenny suffered severe PND following birth of youngest DC and is still recovering with professional support. She works full time. Her DH works FT, in a non family friendly job with long shifts and unsociable hours, meaning a lot of the childcare falls to Jenny around her own working days. PILs live locally but do not offer any support at all with DC.

Laura has 3 children, a 3 year old and 8 month old twins. She lives a 1 hour drive from her parents, who offer her regular support with childcare. She is mentally far more robust than Jenny. She is still on maternity leave. DH works from home full time with the very occasional night away. PILs and paternal aunties/uncles of DC live locally and offer support with DC.

Is it right that Laura gets more support than Jenny from their parents given her situation? In other words does the relative support offered to each sibling by their parents seem fair given their situations? Or does any of it seem unfair to you?

Any thoughts appreciated.

If it was a family member asking me for support in the same circumstances as Jenny it would be the distance I would struggle with, maybe meeting half way to give baby to me for afew hours or baby over night stay at mine or me staying overnight at theirs or them fetching baby to me would be my suggestions to fit in with my own life and responsibilities and for them to really feel the benefit of me minding baby for them as a four hour journey won’t leave much time for a visit to help them especially if wanted regularly but everyone’s circumstances are different of corse and everyone has their own lives going on and things to do daily so my suggestions wouldn’t suit everyone nor would everyone want to do them.
if Jenny has previously asked for support from parents a few times with minding baby and parents are quick to say no with no reason as to why then Jenny has to accept she probably won’t get much support from them going forward, but if they have had reasons for saying no as in already got commitments on them dates, work, illness or like me the travel and want to help support her then Jenny and them should discuss what they can do to support her and what they realistically are able to do.

I've actually missed that the older child is secondary and not primary, in that case Jenny needs to get on with it!
And I've also asked op the same question about what is she doing to help since she feels she is involved.

DF definitely struggles with mental health discussions a little now you mention it. His approach is to bury his head and pretend everyone is OK I think.

I assume the distance is the reason. A 2 hour round trip is different to 4 hours.

On your third point - Jenny has raised this with him. He is aware his job contributes to her stress levels. He is generally supportive as much as he can be when he is home. He has been emotionally supportive in abundance with her PND struggles

So is he doing anything to actually ease this? Or is it all just platitudes and Co concerned faces?

Laura has a toddler AND baby twins. Of course she needs more support than Jenny! Jenny has a teenager and a baby. She also knew that she lives far away from her parents and that her husband wouldn’t cut back on hours at work to help raise his child. She knew what she was getting into (assuming the baby was planned).

Can you / do you provide support or childcare to either sister? You're talking about how the GPS should help, but not whether you could help?

I think your parents are pretty clear about why they can't help - distance. Honestly, 4 hour round trip to help with childcare would be too much for me to do on a regular basis, and I am in my thirties.

Honestly, I think if your sister is struggling perhaps she could arrange a paid help? Is that an option? She shouldn't expect her parents to help out if she doesn't live close by.

Are you able to help out?

I honestly feel a bit bad for the grandparents in this scenario.

I don’t necessarily agree with all I have written below but there as it is causing resentment these are probably some reasons the grandparents are acting differently towards both daughters:

3 under 3 is significantly harder than a one and a 12 year old, particularly 8 months old twins.

Travelling 2 hours and 2 hours back is just not feasible for regular or even a day of childcare, logically it would have to be an overnight.

a one year old overnight that only sees their grandparents every now and then may be extremely hard to settle, depending on child and sleeping patterns of course.

Jenny has a 12 year old so perhaps they view her as an ‘old hand’ at motherhood.

The 12 year old could be viewed as extra help in entertaining their sibling.

They have heard Jenny say her situation about PND but are not relly ‘getting’ the desperation.

Laura may not actually be ok

So it could be any or all of the above. The distance is a large factor in my opinion. I don’t think one daughter is favoured over the other, it is circumstances. Perhaps Jenny should say explicitedly (without mentioning what she thins Laura does or doesn’t get) what she wants them to do and see what they say. Sometimes people just don’t get the issues that readily.

Well the answer is to take a career break, work part time, move closer to her parents, her DH get a more family friendly job. Her 1 year old is presumably in full time nursery so quite easy to work around. Harder when at school and doing wraparound care.

Her parents can't be expected to do a 4 hour round trip. Even the 2 hour round trip is a lot for regular childcare imo.

It reminds me of my ex's grandmother living hours away from everyone yet everyone she knew had either died or moved away expecting everyone to visit her constantly. She could have moved closer and we would have been able to see her every day.

If your life isn't suiting you then you have to change it, you can't expect everyone to come to you.

Having been in a similar situation to Jenny.

The best thing we did was to change our situation- both DH and me. Changed jobs, moved closer to friends and family although not for child care, we paid for that.

What steps have you and your DH taken to change things for the better?

If Jenny talks to her parents in as oblique a way as she posts on Mumsnet, then it's probably no surprise that she doesn't understand why her parents treat her and her sister differently.

I don't know anyone who posts on mumsnet in the same way they talk to their family. What an odd comment.

We will be looking after our first grandchild for one day a week when DIL returns to work. They live 10 minutes drive away so it's entirely feasible and we are looking forward to it. . My other son and DIL aren't planning children yet but we have said that 2 hours drive each way is too far for regular care. If they have children we will happily offer school holiday care( if we are still fit and healthy) but regular ,daytime, termtime care is not ever going to be an option. We spent lots of school holidays with my grandparents. They lived 2 hours drive away. As a child it seemed like they lived at the end of the earth.

Does Jenny seriously expect her DPs to drive for two hours, provide childcare and then drive two hours home? Or does she have enough space to (comfortably- not a sofa bed type arrangement) invite them to stay?

Mostly platitudes and concerned faces.

I feel sad for Jenny. It seems the grandparents know how to support Laura but don’t know hw to support Jenmy. Obviously a 4 hr round trip for after school care would be impossible! Maybe Jemmy should suggest tmthem very specific ways in which she would like help? Eg “I desperately need a break, when are you able to come and stay for a few nights to play with baby while I rest?”

Jenny and her DH need to buy in more help (nanny) or her DH needs to lean on his parents who live locally.

And the maternal gparents and sister being cast as the villains in the story! The actual dad and paternal gparents are given leeway because 'reasons'.....

This is a very helpful post.

I do actually think there is an element of Jenny being seen as "an old hand" at this motherhood stuff and therefore she's fine.

I don't understand why Jenny is relying on, or thinks she is entitled to rely on grandparents for childcare support.

Jenny has invited them numerous times and they are aware that the invitation is generally open.

Perhaps this would be a good idea. Maybe Jenny needs to be more direct and specific when seeking support?

They can't afford a nanny.

Paternal GPs have declined to help.

There is no "right" the parents will offer childcare (or not) as they see fit

And is this same offer being given and expected of the dh parents?