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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help please - is this "fair"?

331 replies

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:21

A situation has arisen within the family. I am just looking for opinions please on how “fair” (or otherwise) people think the following situation is.

Jenny and Laura are sisters, and their situations are thus:

Jenny has 2 children, one secondary school aged and the other 1 year old. She lives a 2 hour drive away from her parents (DCs’ grandparents), who have never since youngest DC’s birth offered to visit to support with childcare. Jenny suffered severe PND following birth of youngest DC and is still recovering with professional support. She works full time. Her DH works FT, in a non family friendly job with long shifts and unsociable hours, meaning a lot of the childcare falls to Jenny around her own working days. PILs live locally but do not offer any support at all with DC.

Laura has 3 children, a 3 year old and 8 month old twins. She lives a 1 hour drive from her parents, who offer her regular support with childcare. She is mentally far more robust than Jenny. She is still on maternity leave. DH works from home full time with the very occasional night away. PILs and paternal aunties/uncles of DC live locally and offer support with DC.

Is it right that Laura gets more support than Jenny from their parents given her situation? In other words does the relative support offered to each sibling by their parents seem fair given their situations? Or does any of it seem unfair to you?

Any thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:09

did your parents help out Jenny when her eldest was a baby?

Yes, at this time Jenny lived in the same town as them so they helped a lot. Jenny's eldest was their first grandchild.

were they already committed to helping out with Laura’s eldest child when Jenny’s baby was born and then further tied in to help when Laura had twins?

No they offered minimal help with Laura's eldest before the twins were born. The more hands on regular help has been since the twins' arrival.

OP posts:
KarrotKake · 25/05/2022 22:12

I'd think the nearby PiL should be pushed to assist rather than the parents 2hrs away.
It's unfortunate Jenny has moved away from the people who might help, but sometimes that's the way it goes.
Is it equal? No. But on the other hand, in 20 years, who will be close enough to go assist when the parents are old and need a bit of help? Probably Laura.

autienotnaughty · 25/05/2022 22:13

I have a similar experience-
Dh and I live an hour away from gp we have 1 six year old with additional needs . Gp have never offered support other than an occasional over night. When childcare emergencies arose (when my dm was extremely ill) they complained about helping. We have no other help as my parents have died and I have no other family. So I only work very part time.

Sil and bil live a 10min drive from gp, they have one 3year old . Gp have dgd twice a week all day during working hours plus most weekends varying from a few hours to overnight. They will regularly offer to have dgd to give sil a rest, they also help out with jobs in house and gardening. . Sil and bil also have bill's parents who also have dgd twice A week plus on weekends and they have bils 2 sisters to help out.

I can't work out if sil is a cf who asks more or if they genuinely feel sil needs more support.

Op I would say factors may include-
Distance
Your sis asking more
Your sister having the baby role in the family and therefore appearing more needy
The fact that she has 3 lo so more work/cost
Your parents not realising you need help

Mally100 · 25/05/2022 22:13

Sorry but Laura deserves it more. She has 3 little ones vs 1 primary aged and 1 LO. Just based entirely on that, there's no doubt your parents are best suited to help out Laura. Her dh may be wfh but he is still working so Laura is still on her own dealing with 3 LO. As a bonus, a one hour travel makes this a much easier decision. As you are also 'involved' in this, are you stepping up to help instead of expecting your parents to see to both sides?

CoastalWave · 25/05/2022 22:14

Jenny needs to move closer. Jenny also needs to grow up a little and realise that Jenny decided to have children. No one owes her any childcare of support. Jenny needs to stop comparing her life to that of her sister and just get on with being an adult.

(but that's easy for me to say having had ZERO regular grandparent input since having 2 kids as we are 5+ hours away from one set and n/c with the other)

MarvellousMay · 25/05/2022 22:15

It’s like comparing apples and pears, the circumstances are completely different.

What do her parents say when Jenny asks for help?

I also think you are Jenny.

MargaretThursday · 25/05/2022 22:15

I think travelling 4 hours round trip with a baby and a secondary school age is very different to travelling 2 hours to help with 3 under 4s.

If they helped Jenny out when her oldest was a baby and she lived closer then I'd say it's as fair as they can make it.

My parents live twice the distance from us as they do from my siblings. They can't come and do child care for a day in the way they do them. It doesn't mean I'm less loved or my children aren't as wanted by them. It's simply practicalities.

If Jenny is feeling this is unfair then I think that's probably at least partially depression talking, which is really hard on her, but I don't think Laura should be feeling guilty.

Louise0701 · 25/05/2022 22:16

You live further away than your sister and have a teen. She has 3 very young children. That’s why she gets more help.

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:16

What do her parents say when Jenny asks for help?

"We'd love to if you were closer"

OP posts:
GeorgiaMcGraw · 25/05/2022 22:17

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:09

did your parents help out Jenny when her eldest was a baby?

Yes, at this time Jenny lived in the same town as them so they helped a lot. Jenny's eldest was their first grandchild.

were they already committed to helping out with Laura’s eldest child when Jenny’s baby was born and then further tied in to help when Laura had twins?

No they offered minimal help with Laura's eldest before the twins were born. The more hands on regular help has been since the twins' arrival.

So Jenny got lots of help until she moved 2 hours away, and actually the GPs have helped Laura mostly when she had twins, which makes sense. Not sure what your beef is. I'm sure if Jenny moved closer, she would recieve more help, like she used to do.

ILoveMyLifeToday · 25/05/2022 22:17

Jenny is very unreasonable.

runnerblade95 · 25/05/2022 22:18

No they offered minimal help with Laura's eldest before the twins were born. The more hands on regular help has been since the twins' arrival.

This is your answer. I could understand your concerns if GPs were offering regular help with the 3 year old but while pp’s think it’s mainly the distance, I actually think it’s more to do with the fact that Laura has twins. It’s not fair, no. But it’s life, I’m afraid. GPs have no obligation to look after their grandchildren on a regular basis imo.

Quartz2208 · 25/05/2022 22:18

So they offered a lot of help with Jennys first

Were rubbish for Jennys second and Lauras first

and have stepped up now there are twins

And struggle with the idea of travelling 2 hours to help Jenny?

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:18

If Jenny is feeling this is unfair then I think that's probably at least partially depression talking,

I wondered about this, too, hence my post.

OP posts:
Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:19

Quartz2208 · 25/05/2022 22:18

So they offered a lot of help with Jennys first

Were rubbish for Jennys second and Lauras first

and have stepped up now there are twins

And struggle with the idea of travelling 2 hours to help Jenny?

This would appear to be the gist of it, yes.

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 25/05/2022 22:19

The grandparents cannot be expected to travel all that way regularly. They have lives of their own .They must be shattered . They brought up at least 3 of you and then gave a great deal of help to Jenny when she had her first child . People get older. The amount they can do/ want to do decreases.

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:21

Jenny needs to move closer.

She has considered this but it would involve uprooting her eldest who is settled in their secondary school. She feels this is unfair to her eldest.

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 25/05/2022 22:22

ILoveMyLifeToday · 25/05/2022 22:17

Jenny is very unreasonable.

When the parents are older and need regular help I'm sure Jenny will drive the 4 hour round trip several times a week .....oh ....wait.

Stompythedinosaur · 25/05/2022 22:23

I wonder if the gps are seeing it more like:

One daughter with a toddler and twins who lives in commuting distance.

One daughter with a single baby who doesn't live in commuting distance.

While it sounds like Jenny is struggling, I doubt Laura is having an easy time either.

Ultimately both families are responsible for their own childcare.

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:25

I accept that "fair" was a poor choice of word. I wasn't sure how else to get it across. Balanced, maybe?

OP posts:
RamSyder · 25/05/2022 22:25

I haven’t read all the comments so some answers might be in the PP. My first thoughts are…
How do we know Laura’s in a better place?
The in-laws assistance is irrelevant.
If Laura’s DP is WFH he’s surely working not playing with his children.
How easy/difficult is each child?
Does everyone really need to work full time?
Has Jenny/Did Laura ask for assistance from their parents?

Merryoldgoat · 25/05/2022 22:25

"We'd love to if you were closer"

Isnt this just the crux of it?

4 hour round trip for regular help from likely fairly old grand parents? It’s not feasible.

Dixiechickonhols · 25/05/2022 22:26

Upto grandparents who they support. It does seem unfair on face if it but depends on details. Could be logistics eg one hour away is easy to get to quick direct train so doable in day, 2 hour one is a drive and overnight stay.
Could be other reasons. Did Jenny have a lot of support after dc 1 so has had her fair share. Was Jenny in a fragile state prior to deliberately getting pg with DC 2 (it’s a massive age gap) so it’s a case of made your bed.

Thebeastofsleep · 25/05/2022 22:27

I think it's perfectly reasonable that the ones who live closer get more practical help.

It's the same in my family, my sister gets much more help than me, she lives half the distance away. She copes much better with motherhood than me, didn't have PND (I did). Has more access to support form her DHs family than we do.

I don't think fair comes to it. It's about what's practical and what parents want to offer. I don't believe everything has to be the same for all to be equitable in a family.

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 22:27

4 hour round trip for regular help from likely fairly old grand parents? It’s not feasible.

They are late 50s/ very early 60s. That's not truly "old", I don't think. But I take your point about distance and feasibility.

OP posts:
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