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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help please - is this "fair"?

331 replies

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:21

A situation has arisen within the family. I am just looking for opinions please on how “fair” (or otherwise) people think the following situation is.

Jenny and Laura are sisters, and their situations are thus:

Jenny has 2 children, one secondary school aged and the other 1 year old. She lives a 2 hour drive away from her parents (DCs’ grandparents), who have never since youngest DC’s birth offered to visit to support with childcare. Jenny suffered severe PND following birth of youngest DC and is still recovering with professional support. She works full time. Her DH works FT, in a non family friendly job with long shifts and unsociable hours, meaning a lot of the childcare falls to Jenny around her own working days. PILs live locally but do not offer any support at all with DC.

Laura has 3 children, a 3 year old and 8 month old twins. She lives a 1 hour drive from her parents, who offer her regular support with childcare. She is mentally far more robust than Jenny. She is still on maternity leave. DH works from home full time with the very occasional night away. PILs and paternal aunties/uncles of DC live locally and offer support with DC.

Is it right that Laura gets more support than Jenny from their parents given her situation? In other words does the relative support offered to each sibling by their parents seem fair given their situations? Or does any of it seem unfair to you?

Any thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 25/05/2022 21:39

Laura is kind of in the trenches too with a preschooler and baby twins. One young child isn't quite the same situation.

I think it's impossible to be equal in situations where there are quite large distance differences involved in the first place.

My parents live 2.5 hours away, which is far too far for daily childcare or even just an evening babysitting really, but they have provided more regular childcare to my niece who lives 30 mins or so from them. I don't have a problem with that at all - it's just a consequence of where we live v where they do. They'd offer the same to us if we were nearer, but we aren't.

Would they offer other kinds of support that aren't daily/regular childcare? When my parents do visit they are very present and spend a lot of time with DC, take them out places, etc.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/05/2022 21:40

'Fair' isn't an appropriate word To use for this.
The grandparents don't owe either child anything, so whatever they do is entirely up to them.
Presumably when both sets of parents made their decisions to have children, they did so assuming they would take responsibility for their choices.

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:42

MichelleScarn · 25/05/2022 21:38

And what 'childcare' is Jenny doing for secondary aged child which could be aged from 11-18?

Most of the "childcare" is obviously for the baby. The elder child also places demands upon Jenny however, such as lifts to social events, hobbies, and so on. It's a different type of "care", but it nonetheless demands time that is already stretched with a FT job and baby.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 25/05/2022 21:43

And, of all the choices made by the parents (as in what jobs they have, where they live, how many children they have), the only one where you could claim to need extra help you hadn't planned for - is twins.

Quartz2208 · 25/05/2022 21:43

3 under 3 is tough though - more so than one 1 year old and a secondary age. And there are some assumptions regarding Laura mental toughness - given I assume you are Jenny?

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:44

Comments about Laura's mental robustness have come from what Laura herself has reported.

OP posts:
PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 25/05/2022 21:46

Happyplace88 · 25/05/2022 21:34

It’s the travel distance to me. - 4 hour round trip is a massive imposition; 2 hours, not so much. It’s a shame but it is what it is.

Completely agree. It wouldn't mean no help, but less often.

4 hour round trip would have been a lot for my parents to do on a regular basis.

redskyatnight · 25/05/2022 21:46

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:42

Most of the "childcare" is obviously for the baby. The elder child also places demands upon Jenny however, such as lifts to social events, hobbies, and so on. It's a different type of "care", but it nonetheless demands time that is already stretched with a FT job and baby.

Show quote history

The elder child also presumably provides a certain amount of support both with childcare and household type jobs though (at least that's very much been the case in every family I know with such a large age gap).

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:46

Interesting that it is assumed I am either of the sisters, as opposed to a third party member of the family who has been watching this unfold for some time....

OP posts:
Branleuse · 25/05/2022 21:47

Do you think your parents might help you more if you were closer?

MichelleScarn · 25/05/2022 21:47

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:44

Comments about Laura's mental robustness have come from what Laura herself has reported.

'Reported' to whom? If Jenny, maybe Laura doesn't want to share how she is with her. Are you Jenny?

Dunnoburt · 25/05/2022 21:47

... My parents said having a child was my own choice therefor i was not to expect anything other than loving grandparents ... I get no childcare help from them or in laws.....

Loopytiles · 25/05/2022 21:47

‘DH works FT, in a non family friendly job with long shifts and unsociable hours, meaning a lot of the childcare falls to Jenny’

= ’DH doesn’t do his fair share of parenting’.

Do your DH and parents get on well?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/05/2022 21:48

One baby and a teenager vs. three tinies.

I'd find the single baby and a few lifts to and from netball far, far easier than wrangling three under 4s, never mind twin babies - even before the travelling was taken into account.

MichelleScarn · 25/05/2022 21:49

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:46

Interesting that it is assumed I am either of the sisters, as opposed to a third party member of the family who has been watching this unfold for some time....

Then why does it matter to you if you are neither sister? Clearly you think 'Jenny' is being hard done to and Laura is taking the piss?

Oinkypig · 25/05/2022 21:49

If you are neither Jenny or Laura then you really have no idea about the actual situation either of them is in, the day to day care required for either family or what they have shared with their parents.

Momicrone · 25/05/2022 21:50

Can't whoever needs childcare just pay some one?

Calmdown14 · 25/05/2022 21:50

It's the twins element. It's clear anyone with twins and a toddler has it tough and probably didn't actively choose the situation. Even small things like going to a baby class aren't set up for twins, going round the supermarket would be a major effort. No breaks in any part of the day.

I'd expect with one one year old there's a couple of hours down time per day and that running errands is not such a major operation.

So yes, I'd probably help Laura out more

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:50

Oinkypig · 25/05/2022 21:49

If you are neither Jenny or Laura then you really have no idea about the actual situation either of them is in, the day to day care required for either family or what they have shared with their parents.

If I am a third sibling who is part of the same WhatsApp family discussion group... then yes I do.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 25/05/2022 21:52

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:46

Interesting that it is assumed I am either of the sisters, as opposed to a third party member of the family who has been watching this unfold for some time....

The OP in this type of post always makes it clear who they think is the 'victim', and you've been more than clear on that point!

Laura is lucky to have supportive in-laws, it's not a requirement. Why do you think it is up to your parents to make it 'fair' or fix the situation?

MichelleScarn · 25/05/2022 21:52

curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:50

If I am a third sibling who is part of the same WhatsApp family discussion group... then yes I do.

Show quote history

Ah so you're stirring?

Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:54

Stirring what exactly?

OP posts:
Original poster
curlywurlyfairy · 25/05/2022 21:55

I don't think there is a "victim". I haven't used that word. I think there is a potentially unfair situation, yes. So I wanted to see what others thought.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 25/05/2022 21:55

Oooh, juicy!

So you consider that your parents are favouring Laura?

alphons · 25/05/2022 21:55

For me, this has nothing to do with travel times. There are a million and one reasons why the situation might be what it is. Nobody but those involved can know. Nobody is owed anything. Everyone is an adult. Everyone has made their own choices and their own decisions and was aware of the risks - of having twins, of having PND, of living far from family, of needing two salaries etc etc

These threads always read to me as though they’re written by teenagers. Fair isn’t the point. There’s a difference between fairness and justice, and the situation seems perfectly just on the basis of what you’ve written. Why wouldn’t it?