Help please - is this "fair"?

[curlywurlyfairy]

A situation has arisen within the family. I am just looking for opinions please on how “fair” (or otherwise) people think the following situation is.

Jenny and Laura are sisters, and their situations are thus:

Jenny has 2 children, one secondary school aged and the other 1 year old. She lives a 2 hour drive away from her parents (DCs’ grandparents), who have never since youngest DC’s birth offered to visit to support with childcare. Jenny suffered severe PND following birth of youngest DC and is still recovering with professional support. She works full time. Her DH works FT, in a non family friendly job with long shifts and unsociable hours, meaning a lot of the childcare falls to Jenny around her own working days. PILs live locally but do not offer any support at all with DC.

Laura has 3 children, a 3 year old and 8 month old twins. She lives a 1 hour drive from her parents, who offer her regular support with childcare. She is mentally far more robust than Jenny. She is still on maternity leave. DH works from home full time with the very occasional night away. PILs and paternal aunties/uncles of DC live locally and offer support with DC.

Is it right that Laura gets more support than Jenny from their parents given her situation? In other words does the relative support offered to each sibling by their parents seem fair given their situations? Or does any of it seem unfair to you?

Any thoughts appreciated.

Its more Jennys inner child, needing her mum.

Spot on.

Unfortunately I think it's the difference in distance.

An hour each way - 2 hour round trip - is pretty much what many people do as a daily commute.

A 4 hour round trip is much harder. You wouldn't want to do it in a day.

I think that's the issue. The GPs can't reasonably offer as much support to Jenny because of the distance. They couldn't just pop over for the day.

Hi @curlywurlyfairy

I'm in a similar situation to Jenny's parents in that my DD and DTGS live a little over 2 hours drive from us. I'm mid 50s and find the drive there and back too much to do in a single day. What we now do is speak or FaceTime regularly, especially when DD's MH is bad, and arrange visits in advance for weekends or during school holidays. This means DD knows when she can have a break from the children and just rest up. It seems to be helpful for her MH that she's aware it's X weeks until she's definitely getting some downtime. Obviously if something happens before our next planned visit I do my absolute best to arrange a trip up, even if it's just an overnight one.

Perhaps Jenny could try something along the same lines as this?

I dearly wish I was geographically closer to DD and it's part of our forward planning to relocate closer to her.

Sending 💐for Jenny and good wishes for her recovery.

If you or Jenny would like to DM me then please do

I feel for Jenny, I got the sense from near the start that she was missing out on interest and involvement from gp rather than childcare. In the future I would hate for one of my children to feel this way, yes more difficult so fewer trips but the journey is doable for say a weekend day visit per month for support.
Also feel that more credits due for difficulty of working ft with two children with needs that don’t necessarily fit together so well, often alone. Dh of Laura can chip in with helping when finished working hours, Laura not working at the moment, exhausting for her I’m very sure and fair enough to have more gp help but at the end of the day, doesn’t have to get up, get ready and face the world of work each day and hopeless not suffering with mh problems. Jenny’s pn depresseion would also be a huge factor for me wanting to make sure she had input too.
Good idea to consider moving closer, going pt or some change in Jenny’s dh work, sounds like something’s got to give. Best wishes to Jenny

*hopefully

Laura needs more practical support with 3 small children. Jenny lives too far away. Also the PIL not helping is nothing to do with their parents

Hi Curly I think the main reason Jenny's parents aren't more involved is the distance and because Laura has three under 4s.
But I also think that people who have never experienced depression may not understand how uphill life can be with depression and how much it helps for people to just be there, to rally round. Some people are not equipped to do the emotional work of supporting someone with depression, real kindness (the sort that involves putting someone else's needs above one's own) is often underestimated. Jenny isn't asking for regular childcare but some practical and emotional support from her parents, and for them to be a meaningful part of her family's life. The contrast between what Jenny needs and doesn't get and what Laura receives is difficult and more painful for Jenny due to depression.
Wishing Jenny all the best. Her immediate family sound solid.

You do sound very chippy, OP. Quite angry. This is the internet. There’s no reading comprehension test people have to pass in order to post on your thread…

I have a sibling who lives two streets away from our DPs.

I live on the opposite side of the world.

My sibling and I both made our choices.

Of course, my DPs know the ins and outs of my nephews’ lives; they babysit at the drop of a hat if parents want to go out for the evening; they go to sports days, recitals, every birthday party etc. They know every mood and personality trait of those children’s lives, the dynamics between them, what their parents go through raising them.

I take my DC to see their grandparents, at my considerable expense (although we stay with my parents) once a year, for 2 weeks.

I don’t think my DPs even know my DCs’ school’s name. They’ve never visited us. They don’t know what our home looks like or who our friends are or what our day to day life is like in this country.

I have no doubt in my mind that my DPs love all their DC and DGC equally. That they would love to have ALL their DC and DGC right on their doorstep. That it’s a source of sadness to them as parents and grandparents that we are so far away, but that they’re happy we are happy in our lives despite all the tough times and difficulties that being so far away from family can create. We’ve had some desperate times, believe me. Nothing makes me happier than going home and seeing my nephews, my parents. I’m thrilled for my nephews that they have that relationship with their DGPs, even if it makes me sad that my DC don’t have that type of relationship with anyone. I hear responsibility for that. I took my children far away to live in this country.

You need to take responsibility for your actions. Nobody is to blame in this. There’s nothing actually wrong; it’s just a state of affairs. If you miss your family nexus so terribly much: move back. Plenty have. You can’t (1) move away (2) miss home (3) not want to upset your older D.C. Ny moving back (4) blame or complain about your parents not doing enough to make up for the consequences of your own actions such that the only people who are put out are your DPs. It’s not adult behaviour. It’s not incumbent on your parents to smooth your path for you anymore. Time to grow up.

But she has to realise that's going to be almost impossible when she lives two hours away.

If you choose to move away from your family and support system, that comes with consequences further down the line.

With 3 under 3 Laura has far more on her plate

I think Jennys mental health difficulties may be making her believe family aren't interested when it is just impractical. I expect her family love her very much.

Next time dh is working this weekend say to mum or other siblings. "Would you like to come and visit on Sat? Realise it is a bit of drive but dh is working and I would really like your company"

Jenny, OP, whatever, the thing is nobody owes you any kind of support. Sucks to acknowledge that but it's true. Everything you have described is something that you should, and can, get over and live with by yourself. Instead of mentally tallying the amount of support you think others are getting I recommend detaching slightly from the whole lot. Send the odd pic. A phone call once a week. See how they like that level of communication from you. If they don't seem to care then you don't want their support. But it might make them see what they are missing.

I say this as somebody with no support. Zilch. Dead parents and siblings overseas will do that to a person. I have a social worker that supports me with my disabled child because I literally have nobody to turn to, even in emergencies.

You have a DH, siblings within a few hours and living parents. You don't know how rich you actually are.

Thank you.

It is definitely difficult with 2 children with such differing needs and ages etc.

You sound absolutely lovely.

Yes this is good advice, thank you

Some very good points here.

And thank you for your well wishes

Thank you

I have been in Jenny's shoes and I know how much it hurts. In my case my mum visited my sister who lived 7 miles away from me but never visited me.

I wish Jenny health and happiness

She wishes GPs would just come through the door on an evening just to see their grandchild, because they miss them and want to. She wishes they saw all the firsts, like first steps etc. she wants her family to care and want to see their grandchild grow up. She doesn't want "free childcare". She wants someone to sit and have a cuppa with her and hold her hand or hug her when it's shit and hard.

The problem is - all that is the sort of thing that comes with grandparents who live close by. GPs can't just pop round for a cuppa of an evening when they live 2 hours drive away. Visits have to be planned and organised. Fewer visits for a longer period of time do not convey the same feeling of closeness as more frequent shorter visits.

I'm not even sure Jenny needs practical help. Perhaps she just needs people - whether that is friends or family or both to call and check on her more often. She's latched onto blaming her parents because it's easy to do so. Actually if they did come to see her more often I suspect she might still find it not enough, or be annoyed because they were underfoot or disrupting her routines.

Hi Jenny!

Yes, it’s annoying that someone else is getting more than you but I think communication is needed here. Or maybe they like Laura more 🤔

When the grandparents become elderly let's see who steps up to provide assistance.
The DD living close or the DD living 3 hours away.

Thank you

are you able to help your siblings in any way?

Could you help jenny yourself

Laura has more on her plate than Jenny. 3 x under 3s versus 1 x one year old. Twins are also more complex than just 2 differing age children (I know, I had twins + a 2 yr old and 4 yr old). The geography also makes it easier for Laura to get help.

She lives too far from them to have that kind of relationship with them. I know from personal experience
Are you one of my daughters?

I have one who lives 10 minutes away, one who lives an hour away and one who lives 2.5 hours away. The one who lives close by doesn't have children, the one an hour away has 2, and the other has 3.
The one an hour away is grateful for the occasional overnight babysitting, the one further away only ever invites us over when she wants a babysitter and we can be of use to her.