Help please - is this "fair"?

[curlywurlyfairy]

A situation has arisen within the family. I am just looking for opinions please on how “fair” (or otherwise) people think the following situation is.

Jenny and Laura are sisters, and their situations are thus:

Jenny has 2 children, one secondary school aged and the other 1 year old. She lives a 2 hour drive away from her parents (DCs’ grandparents), who have never since youngest DC’s birth offered to visit to support with childcare. Jenny suffered severe PND following birth of youngest DC and is still recovering with professional support. She works full time. Her DH works FT, in a non family friendly job with long shifts and unsociable hours, meaning a lot of the childcare falls to Jenny around her own working days. PILs live locally but do not offer any support at all with DC.

Laura has 3 children, a 3 year old and 8 month old twins. She lives a 1 hour drive from her parents, who offer her regular support with childcare. She is mentally far more robust than Jenny. She is still on maternity leave. DH works from home full time with the very occasional night away. PILs and paternal aunties/uncles of DC live locally and offer support with DC.

Is it right that Laura gets more support than Jenny from their parents given her situation? In other words does the relative support offered to each sibling by their parents seem fair given their situations? Or does any of it seem unfair to you?

Any thoughts appreciated.

The distance is a major factor. But if my daughter called and said, ‘mum, I’m struggling and I really need help’, I’d be there like a shot. I wouldn’t knowingly, leave either of my daughters to struggle on. Do you have room to accommodate your mum? Can she stay overnight? (Sorry if that’s been covered).

What is the relationship like between Jenny’s DH and Jenny’s family?

eg I have a friend whose H is (IMO) a poor parent and partner. Friend asks friends and wider family for help, some got fed up with it because in their view it was enabling the H and messed up relationship dynamic.

@curlywurlyfairy how long has Jenny lived in her current location? I relate to wanting to see another adult and have a cuppa. Does Jenny have any friends or another support network who could just be there? Jenny might find there are many other local mums feeling similarly and gain some support.
I hope Jenny is receiving some proper help too because she sounds emotionally exhausted and I can hear it through your posts.
Objectively, sounds like the post should say “Jenny is struggling with her mental health and would really benefit from emotional and practical support from her parents even if it’s a video call every evening or sending something nice in the post.”
I hope Jenny can be open with her mum and admit it fully. I think it’ll heal some pain if she can fully express the depth of her sadness and emotional pain.
💐 for Jenny.

OP, I know it's tough having a baby when you live far away from the family you're close to and they can't be there to share the experience. I moved overseas and it breaks my heart that my parents and sisters don't get to see more of my child and she doesn't see more of them. Videos and pictures are no substitute.

It's just the way it is when you move some distance away, though. And while a 4-hour drive isn't the same as living across an ocean, I can see why that seems like a barrier to your parents--especially when one is still working and they are very reasonably devoting time to supporting their other daughter.

It's ok to mourn what you've lost. But I don't think it's reasonable to expect family to be able to pop over for a visit when you live farther away.

How much longer does DC1 have at school? How about a long-term plan to move closer to DPs as soon as secondary is over?

Are you receiving counseling? You clearly need emotional support and I think specifically for dealing with the sense of loss around not having the closeness with your DPs that you want.

What would happen if you told your mum "I'm really missing you and really struggling, could we plan for you two to come and visit me for a weekend every other month"? (You could drive to them on the alternate months?)

What local support network do you have? It's hard but if you're stuck living there, you need some local friends.

Clearly Laura is getting an 'unfair' share of parental support given she's getting more than Jenny. Maybe they prefer Laura or her DC to Jenny and hers. Maybe they established childcare patterns with Laura in the large gap when Jenny didn't need them and its as much as they can manage. Maybe the extra hour travel is the deal breaker.
Regardless, there is no law saying people have to be fair so upsetting as it is, it's too bad really.
I agree with PP who said Jenny's husband needs to step up. If his job isn't family friendly he needs to look for one that is. It's the only pragmatic solution that doesn't rely on other people.

I'm surprised you haven't cone up with the answers that posters have on here then. Jenny just doesn't need the same amount of help and loves further away. If she asked specifically, can you cone and stay at mine for a day ib the holidays while I work for childcare what would the answer be?