Help please - is this "fair"?

[curlywurlyfairy]

A situation has arisen within the family. I am just looking for opinions please on how “fair” (or otherwise) people think the following situation is.

Jenny and Laura are sisters, and their situations are thus:

Jenny has 2 children, one secondary school aged and the other 1 year old. She lives a 2 hour drive away from her parents (DCs’ grandparents), who have never since youngest DC’s birth offered to visit to support with childcare. Jenny suffered severe PND following birth of youngest DC and is still recovering with professional support. She works full time. Her DH works FT, in a non family friendly job with long shifts and unsociable hours, meaning a lot of the childcare falls to Jenny around her own working days. PILs live locally but do not offer any support at all with DC.

Laura has 3 children, a 3 year old and 8 month old twins. She lives a 1 hour drive from her parents, who offer her regular support with childcare. She is mentally far more robust than Jenny. She is still on maternity leave. DH works from home full time with the very occasional night away. PILs and paternal aunties/uncles of DC live locally and offer support with DC.

Is it right that Laura gets more support than Jenny from their parents given her situation? In other words does the relative support offered to each sibling by their parents seem fair given their situations? Or does any of it seem unfair to you?

Any thoughts appreciated.

I agree with PPs that the travel distance makes a big difference. But having twin babies is extremely hard however mentally robust you are. I have twins and honestly thought I wouldn't survive when they were babies (DH pulled his weight but we had no help from anyone else including grandparents). This would be a factor for me if I were the grandparent.

If jenny and Laura get on, there's geographical reasons why parents offer Laura more childcare, why are you getting involved with how it's not 'fair'?
Are you offering Jenny childcare/asking why Jennys Dhs family aren't offering more help?

Noone actually cares. It does write as if you think its unfair though.

Pretty good of the grandmother to still try and help since her kids have moved so far away. Id say the one with 3 under 3 is probably the most pressing to help, and the fact its half the distance must help.

If youre a concerned 3rd party family member, maybe you could offer to help

Does Jenny's oldest have the same father?

The thing is 8 month old twins sounds incredibly tough - has Laura mentioned being more mentally robust than Jenny since then.

Have you offered Jenny support - do you get support from them if you are a third sibling

So Jenny has asked for help from GP and they said No?
Laura asked for help and they said yes, is this correct?

I dont think you are a third sibling. It's okay to feel how you do it really is I have 2 other siblings and we all have children with varying ages. My mum has tried to help us all as fairly as possible but it's hard she is also 64 and wants to try and do less really and a bit more for herself. I think maybe the PND makes everything feel so much harder and unfair but taking the emotion out of it like all the posters are it's understandable and that's good. Talk to your parents and tell them how you feel but non confrontational hopefully they can reassure you.

I think it's reasonable to wonder why your parents don't appear to distribute support equitably because it does feel like an imbalance of love.

So if you're the third sibling why haven't you phoned your mum and asked her what's going on?

Stirring shit

For me, one hour is manageable for a visit for a day. 2 hours would be an over night or more occasional day visit.

If I were Jenny's mum I would offer some help but it would not be regular. And I might be nervous of upsetting her so conversations might be difficult. If Jenny give me clear instructions on how I could help I would try my best to do it.

I do think it's the distance that is the big difference here. One hour each way is doable for a day visit, two hours isn't. My parents live an hour away and my PILs 2 hours away so I have experience of the difference it makes.

I hope Jenny is ok though.

Yes this would be my view. 2hr each way is unreasonable to expect people to travel to help out. That's 4 hours total - a good chunk of the day. That's probably the main, and potentially only, factor of difference. If Jenny wants more support she should probably move closer though appreciate that is hard. It might also be that her sister has young twins which can be hard to manage and perhaps the level of support will reduce over time.

I didn't say they hadn't met the 1 year old. I said they don't offer support with childcare or even just a visit for a chat and morale support etc.

Could Jenny's husband not ask PIL for a bit of support if they're nearby?

I get you, this is hard. My mum is 4 hours' drive away. Sending lots of care your way x

Why is it up to your parents to deal with the situation though?

Could Jenny's husband not ask PIL for a bit of support if they're nearby?

They wouldn't do it.

I think you are framing all of this @curlywurlyfairy as to how unfair it is they are offering Laura all of this support rather than the actual issue which they seem not to want to offer it to Jenny.

If I was the grandparents in this situation I’d be offering physical support to the one with twins and a toddler, who just happens to live closer.
Id offer emotional support and as much non in person contact the the one with the 1 year old who just happens to be further away (I’m not counting a secondary school child as I think driving to hobbies doesn’t count so much compared to a 1 year old, or twins and a toddler!)

unless there’s back story and the further away one is using that as an excuse?

The difference between a four-hour round trip and a two-hour round trip make it reasonable for the parents to feel that can't support Jenny as readily as Laura. Also, 8-month-old twins and a three-year-old! That is a big handful compared with a one-year-old and a secondary-school-aged child!
But more importantly, is 'fairness' the right framing for Jenny's concerna about the arrangements? Jenny and Laura aren't children; their parents don't have to divide their time 'fairly' between them. They are free to do as they please, in whatever way fits in best with their life and other committments. The preoccupation with fairness feels like something left over from the sibling rivalries of childhood. It is natural enough to fall into the trap of fretting about fairness - we are all affected by our past. But it is probably not helpful to think in these terms.

Maybe Jenny never calls them?

Jenny is the most active member of the WhatsApp chat group, with constant pictures and videos of the baby. She invites the family to visit. She travels to them, too, so they can see the baby, typically once every other month. But when she is struggling and needs someone to notice, she feels invisible.

Can you offer Jenny support yourself?
visit at weekends?

did your parents help out Jenny when her eldest was a baby?

were they already committed to helping out with Laura’s eldest child when Jenny’s baby was born and then further tied in to help when Laura had twins?

It does seem unfair that Jenny is genuinely struggling and no one could help her . Are you in a position to help her at all?

Quite apart from travel distances and PND/mental health;

TBH, I think a mother with a 3 yr old and 8-month old twins has far more practical need of help, than a mother of children aged 1 and secondary school, The latter must be a decade apart, the older one is out of the house at school all day,. can be both independent and helpful and unlikely to wake up mother at night.

So you either ARE Jenny, or you and Jenny are having big indepth chats about how unfair things are? What are YOU doing to support her, other than fuelling the how unfair things are between her and Laura, and likely causing resentment?

Crikey, as a 61 year old with DC on the verge of settling down I am songlad I have said theybwill get equal amounts of childcare - no more than one day per week for as long as I am fit enough and providing I am retired. If I can't do it I'll pay.

However there has to be adjustment for differing circumstances for things to be fair. It's called equality and offering the same isn't the issue. Ensuring both parties get to the same point is the issue.

This. Two hours each way makes regular childcare very difficult. Huge fuel cost if done very regularly and totally exhausting after a day of childcare too .