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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to handle this situation? BBQ & drinking

184 replies

ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 20:12

So we are planning to have a BBQ next week for QJ.

My mum can’t handle her drink, she’s not an alcoholic, but when she does get a couple of drinks in her she starts picking fights (verbal obviously) and being argumentative with people, my younger sister (in her 20’s) in particular she can be quite horrible to.

Obviously it wouldn’t be fair to deny everyone else there alcohol because of her (or would it?!) but how do I tell a fully grown adult she’s only allowed one drink?!

The BBQ is at my house, and the rest of the family who live with her will be invited so it’s not like I can just leave her out, but I don’t want her to ruin it or make my sisters day miserable by being nasty to her because she’s had a couple of glasses of wino!

how do I handle this sensitively? If I bring up her behaviour and the real reason why, she will get defensive and rain down hell on me

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 24/05/2022 20:13

Just be honest. Say she's welcome to come if she can behave herself and she's not welcome if she can't. If shes going to be shitty with you it's best she's not invited IMO.

bluejelly · 24/05/2022 20:14

Personally I wouldn't invite her and explain that it's because she can't handle her drink and it upsets people. She needs to learn that her behaviour is unacceptable. Of course she will hate that, but why should she spoil everyone else's day?

ilovesooty · 24/05/2022 20:14

I'd tell her that if her behaviour becomes objectionable you'll be asking her to leave. It's your house.

Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 20:16

I also live in a fairly new neighbourhood so this will be my first time hosting here, and previous times she’s sat in the garden swearing at my sister loudly and shouting and my old neighbours had to knock the next day to let me know they had heard everything… it’s bloody embarrassing and I don’t want to set that tone with this neighbourhood too… but she thinks there’s nothing wrong with that and she doesn’t do those things apparently

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 24/05/2022 20:17

Say to her that she has to behave as you both know what she's like with a few wines . Then but low alcohol of the colour of wine that she likes.

RampantIvy · 24/05/2022 20:19

Don't invite her then. Job done.

cansu · 24/05/2022 20:19

Water down her drinks. Discuss how to handle her with your sister. People will say don't invite her or be honest with her. However things are rarely that simple.

ilovesooty · 24/05/2022 20:21

Well if you invite her you risk that happening, don't you? Either don't invite her or remove her at the first sign of trouble.

"Bring it up sensitively" when she's incapable of conducting herself properly? Why are you even worrying about being sensitive when she can't take responsibility for her own behaviour?

Abcdefu · 24/05/2022 20:21

What does she drink? Could she have low alcohol drinks? Few west coast coolers or something?

waitingpatientlyforspring · 24/05/2022 20:22

Is buying an alcohol free version of her favoured drink an option?

I would favour telling her and asking her not to drink but I appreciate this isn't easy.

Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 20:22

if I don’t invite her that is going to cause mayhem for everyone too because of her reaction, sensitively because I don’t want her turning on me being defensive, just want to do this as peacefully as possible, I hate drama and confrontation

OP posts:
Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 20:23

Good idea about low or no alcohol wine/alcohol, I’ll look into them and see what’s most realistic etc, I know they do low/no alcohol gin now so that might be an option

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 24/05/2022 20:25

There are some things you can't sort out without being forthright. I think this is one of them.

You're not creating drama. Her behaviour does that.

Gizacluethen · 24/05/2022 20:25

I don't think theres any point saying anything beforehand. At the first sign of her turning I'd tell her to pack it in and be nice or she can go home. Then I'd send her home. She's an adult, she knows how.to control herself.

Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 20:25

@ilovesooty yeah it is pretty awful for my sister especially and I feel so bad for her, she ends up in tears nearly every time, and none of it is even in the slightest bit warranted or provoked etc

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 24/05/2022 20:27

ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 20:23

Good idea about low or no alcohol wine/alcohol, I’ll look into them and see what’s most realistic etc, I know they do low/no alcohol gin now so that might be an option

She'll be able to taste the difference straight away. Beer or cider you might get away with taste wise, but not wine or spirits.

Ginandslippers · 24/05/2022 20:27

We had this problem with an older woman in my family. In the end, after her spoiling several family events one person spoke to her privately (chosen carefully as the person in the family she was least likely to kick off with/also very thick skinned and didn't care of she did kick off). They explained that she was spoiling events and would no longer be invited if she continued to behave that way. They told her she was allowed 2 alcoholic drinks throughout the next event and that they would personally monitor her behaviour. She took this option over the threat of no longer being invited anywhere, sits quietly with a sour face through most things but no longer causes issues due to alcohol.

Siameasy · 24/05/2022 20:27

I would recommend going for the strength in numbers approach. Agree with other family members that you will back each other up. The moment she is out of line you tell her-and they are to back you up. Then, the next day, you need to talk to her seriously about it. It’s unacceptable basically.
I know it’s really hard but a group approach will at least give you courage

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/05/2022 20:28

I hate drama and confrontation

Well durrrr. She has trained you to accept her shitty behaviour, have terrible boundaries and not rock the boat. It's only because you're a good sister that you're even considering challenging her.

She WILL kick off because she wants to be an arsehole. You have to decide:

  1. You put up with Thai forever
  2. You put up with her kicking off in order to establish boundaries.

Those are your only choices. I'd choose 2. And I would not invite and I'd tell her why. But I wasn't trained to accept this crap like you were. So it's a LOT harder for you.

ilovesooty · 24/05/2022 20:28

Gizacluethen · 24/05/2022 20:25

I don't think theres any point saying anything beforehand. At the first sign of her turning I'd tell her to pack it in and be nice or she can go home. Then I'd send her home. She's an adult, she knows how.to control herself.

I think I agree. Your poor sister. Would someone be responsible for taking her home if she kicks off?

carefullycourageous · 24/05/2022 20:29

I don't understand why you are letting this keep happening, you and your sister need to stand together and just say no.

What are you afraid will happen if you don't invite your mum? Will she physically attack you? If not, you are scared of her being upset, which is not sensible given she is not bothered about you and your sister being upset.

Don't invite her. Tell her why.

Oblomov22 · 24/05/2022 20:30

Why the heck haven't you dealt with this before? Actually, just seen your post re non confrontation. You do know that this is never going to be resolved until you do stand up for yourself don't you?

Cuwins · 24/05/2022 20:31

If you don't want to deal with it head on, I haven't been in a similar situation but I hate confrontation, then why not just have a BBQ without alcohol? Have some fun non-alcoholic drinks instead.

Natty13 · 24/05/2022 20:33

It is literally not possible to deal with this woth zero fall out which it doesn't seem you realise.

You are dealing with an unreasonable person there is no way to deal with this sensibly.

There are 2 options, both crap, to choose between: let her come, try something gentle or passive/non confrontational (which won't work btw) and have repeatedly of past behaviour with your sister upset and your new neighbours judging you. Option 2 is to tell her she can't drink on basis of past behaviour OR not come, she will go mental at you but this is the option I'd choose.

I've told my own father he wasn't invited to things because he couldn't be trusted to keep his temper. I was painted as the bad guy for a bit but I just pretended outwardly that I didn't care until it actually became true and it doesn't bother me now. It took a few rocky starts but they all know I mean it and they don't cross my boundaries - I said I wouldn't have that behaviour around my children and I meant it. End of. Anyone who says I'm being "unreasonable" or "difficult" or "he's your dad" i just look at poker face and repeat "I will not have shouting and swearing around my young children." or "he has the choice not to shout and swear in front of my kids and he doesn't make it" over and over.

converseandjeans · 24/05/2022 20:33

I don't think I would want to host at my new place if my Mum and sister were going to kick off like that. Just go out with some mates & give them a wide berth...

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