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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to handle this situation? BBQ & drinking

184 replies

ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 20:12

So we are planning to have a BBQ next week for QJ.

My mum can’t handle her drink, she’s not an alcoholic, but when she does get a couple of drinks in her she starts picking fights (verbal obviously) and being argumentative with people, my younger sister (in her 20’s) in particular she can be quite horrible to.

Obviously it wouldn’t be fair to deny everyone else there alcohol because of her (or would it?!) but how do I tell a fully grown adult she’s only allowed one drink?!

The BBQ is at my house, and the rest of the family who live with her will be invited so it’s not like I can just leave her out, but I don’t want her to ruin it or make my sisters day miserable by being nasty to her because she’s had a couple of glasses of wino!

how do I handle this sensitively? If I bring up her behaviour and the real reason why, she will get defensive and rain down hell on me

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 24/05/2022 21:37

Why do you pander to her?
Why do you prioritise her over the rest of your family?

Don't tell her what day the barbecue is and don't invite her. Block her so she can't ring or message you.

Read up about grey rock. She adds nothing positive to your life.

Lastminuteaddition · 24/05/2022 21:39

This reply has been withdrawn

We think this one was posted on the wrong thread.

Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 21:39

yeah she wouldn’t take a taxi, it would fall to me my sister or my grandad to take her home.

me and my sister she would be abusive too not caring about us concentrating on driving etc, my grandad isn’t keen on her anyway and would most likely have a go at her about the way she behaves so that would be a disaster because he would really lose his cool with her about the way she treats us (my Nan has to beg him to keep the peace with her so it doesn’t upset anyone but it makes him so angry)

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 24/05/2022 21:40

Stop making excuses and don't invite her.

StubbleTurnips · 24/05/2022 21:41

Similar dynamic in our family…. It came to a head when the bullying of younger sibling after another vodka was enough. Parent figure was given a few home truths.
it is not ok to bully someone, ever. Drink or not.

LapinR0se · 24/05/2022 21:41

Ok you just cannot have a bbq with adults and serve no drinks. You seriously can’t. Also do NOT let your mother and her issues dictate your life and your relationships. invite your friends and neighbours, serve wine and beer and spirits if you want.
Don’t invite your mum, she doesn’t have to come to everything!!

FirewomanSam · 24/05/2022 21:42

I used to give my ex-MIL tonic water and tell her it was G&T, when she was already too pissed to tell the difference. Saved her from embarrassing herself a few times, or at least from embarrassing herself even more than she already did. You really shouldn’t have to do that though, she should be able to control herself and I’m sorry you have to deal with that situation.

godmum56 · 24/05/2022 21:43

ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 21:26

Yes my sister lives with her - unfortunately because she really hates it but has no means to move out at the moment (she’s saving as much as she can but whenever she starts building up a little bit my mum finds a reason to take it from her and puts her back to square 1, she knows if my sister moves out she will lose her income because she pays into the household)

sounds like you AND your sis need big girl pants!

Cuwins · 24/05/2022 21:44

LapinR0se · 24/05/2022 21:41

Ok you just cannot have a bbq with adults and serve no drinks. You seriously can’t. Also do NOT let your mother and her issues dictate your life and your relationships. invite your friends and neighbours, serve wine and beer and spirits if you want.
Don’t invite your mum, she doesn’t have to come to everything!!

Why on Earth can't you have a BBQ without alcohol?

mbosnz · 24/05/2022 21:45

If she comes, for goodness sakes, leave it to your Grandad to take her home.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 24/05/2022 21:46

Would your mum not bring drinks anyway? In my social circle and family you would never go to a party and not bring a drink/wine/beer etc.

I've never been to a sober bbq. They might exist but I don't think they are the norm.

ThreeLittleDots · 24/05/2022 21:51

whenever she starts building up a little bit my mum finds a reason to take it from her

This is outrageous. You both need therapy to find a way to turn your back on her for good.

catandcoffee · 24/05/2022 21:51

If adults can't attend a bbq without alcohol... then they have a big problem.
OP can't your sister move in with you ?

Your Mother sounds bloody awful and I feel sorry for you.
Hope it goes well.

Spanglemum · 24/05/2022 21:52

Your mother sounds like she financially abusing your sister.

Hatinafield · 24/05/2022 22:00

Either no booze for anyone or don’t invite her, I think. Don’t let this continue.

SunnyShiner · 24/05/2022 22:01

Just tell her you don't want the drama so she's not welcome.

Worst case scenario she gets the hump and doesn't speak to you again which would be a huge win in my opinion.

Also, we often have alcohol free BBQs. Not everyone needs booze to enjoy themselves

Andante57 · 24/05/2022 22:04

Op you can’t control an alcoholic’s drinking. If your mother wants to get drunk then she will do so no matter how much you warn her, water down drinks, only give her one alcoholic drink etc.
She will get drunk and spoil the barbecue so don’t invite her and tell her why she isn’t being invited.

NumberTheory · 24/05/2022 22:10

Leaving after she's started being abusive isn't really shielding them. It obviously stops them hearing the majority of what she says and that's definitely an awful lot better than staying and experiencing it. But kids aren't stupid, they hear the start of it and they see that you are constantly walking on eggshells, trying to manage her and then being the one who has to give in and leave when none of it works.

You are thinking of inviting this to your house - think about that for a moment. This safe space where you want to have a nice time with people you love and care about and who love and care about you. From what you've said about her, even if no one drinks, how does inviting her improve your home or the party or your relationships with any of the family you do actually like?

Beautiful3 · 24/05/2022 22:11

My husbands the same after a few drinks and it's embarrassing. I would personally not have any alcohol. J2Os, appletiser and diet cokes would be nice.

Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 22:14

I think the only fair thing for everyone is that she doesn’t come and everyone is free to enjoy themselves… we are already on bad terms at the moment so I think the best thing is to send a text saying no longer invited etc and then just block her number until she calms down a bit

OP posts:
EveningOverRooftops · 24/05/2022 22:14

Have it a booze free party. It’s really that simple.

provide lots of soft drinks and ingredients for alcohol free cocktails just skip the booze.

chaosmaker · 24/05/2022 22:16

LapinR0se · 24/05/2022 21:41

Ok you just cannot have a bbq with adults and serve no drinks. You seriously can’t. Also do NOT let your mother and her issues dictate your life and your relationships. invite your friends and neighbours, serve wine and beer and spirits if you want.
Don’t invite your mum, she doesn’t have to come to everything!!

You can do whatever you want at your own barbecue, especially not serve pointless alcohol :D Maybe read the whole thread?

Minimalme · 24/05/2022 22:22

ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 22:14

I think the only fair thing for everyone is that she doesn’t come and everyone is free to enjoy themselves… we are already on bad terms at the moment so I think the best thing is to send a text saying no longer invited etc and then just block her number until she calms down a bit

I agree op.

She pretends not to think her behaviour is a problem because she has no intention of changing.

An alcoholic is someone who has a problematic relationship with alcohol. She will drink whether you serve alcohol or not and she will then ruin the whole party.

Her choice to do that, you choice not to accept it.

Stand up to her and be proud of yourself! She is a bully.

Juniper68 · 24/05/2022 22:24

God why do you put up with her? She's horrendous

Can't your sister live with you? Sounds like she's being abused in all ways including financially.

GoFishandChips · 24/05/2022 22:26

my grandad isn’t keen on her anyway and would most likely have a go at her about the way she behaves so that would be a disaster because he would really lose his cool with her about the way she treats us

Why would that be a disaster? Sounds like she needs to hear a few home truths!