How to handle this situation? BBQ & drinking

[ohwhattodo96]

So we are planning to have a BBQ next week for QJ.

My mum can’t handle her drink, she’s not an alcoholic, but when she does get a couple of drinks in her she starts picking fights (verbal obviously) and being argumentative with people, my younger sister (in her 20’s) in particular she can be quite horrible to.

Obviously it wouldn’t be fair to deny everyone else there alcohol because of her (or would it?!) but how do I tell a fully grown adult she’s only allowed one drink?!

The BBQ is at my house, and the rest of the family who live with her will be invited so it’s not like I can just leave her out, but I don’t want her to ruin it or make my sisters day miserable by being nasty to her because she’s had a couple of glasses of wino!

how do I handle this sensitively? If I bring up her behaviour and the real reason why, she will get defensive and rain down hell on me

Your poor, poor sister. Is there other relative she could even stay on the sofa with until she finds somewhere else? How much does she pay your mum each month.

Please stop pandering to your mum's behaviour.

surreptitiously film/record her whenever she kicks off and play it back to her when she's sober. She won't be able to argue with evidence.

How embarrassing for you with your old neighbours. <cringe>

I've just caught up with all your posts OP and I am so sorry for you and your sister. What an awful, horrible situation to find yourself in. Your poor sister having to live with it and the unfairness of the brother too. Your mum is a total bully and sounds like a really nasty person. I do hope you can get your sister out of the place at some point and then you have to go NC for your own and sisters health.

Sainsburys have some Prosecco on offer atm , £5 a bottle. It isn’t advertised as low alcohol but it is much lower than Prosecco usually is. I think it will be the saving of many a jubilee BBQ, tbh, because so many people will buy it because if the price without realising.

Does your sister live in the same house as your Mum?

I would say ‘Mum, really looking forward to the BBQ, but I Ned to be honest. You are very different when you have been drinking, not like our usual lovely Mum. Last time my neighbours complained about your shouting and swearing, and it is very upsetting when you shout at sister. Please come and have a good time without one too many. If you hulk out, I’m going to put you in a taxi home, no messing’.

If she kicks off at that, “LOL, Mum, you’re taking yourself out of being invited at all! Seriously. Come and be nice? Or make other plans?”.

But I would get your sister, DH and other relatives on your side and agree to calmly back you up if she turns nasty.

It isn’t you creating ‘drama’, or being confrontational. Why is it ok for the rest of the family to endure her being wildly insulting and aggressive, but you all worry about being ‘insensitive’.

Watch some if the real life police programmes. The police deal with all manner of insulting drunks ready for a fight, being straightforward and non confrontational. Channel them!

Sorry OP, missed some of your posts because of the constant fucking page refreshing and jumping about that MN does these days.

@ohwhattodo96 in your second post you said she "doesn't do those things apparently".

Maybe record her the next time she's drunk and on one. And once things have all quietened down and you've gone to visit or you're having a coffee or a natter, show her the video. She might not realise how bad she gets and it might shock her into changing.

Thank you everyone, I will talk to my sister about it all when I next see her (which should be later on this week) and I will speak to the rest of the family about it later on today and see what their opinions are about it and post an update

Having read all of your posts it seems as though the alcohol problem is only one of many issues. Your Mum sounds like a really awful person drunk or sober frankly.

Definitely have your BBQ without her and avoid her as much as possible. I do feel very sorry for your poor sister. I hope you or the wider family can find some way of helping her get out of this difficult situation.

I wouldn't invite her and I'd tell her why.

I bet she kicks off anyway if you serve low/no alcohol drinks, and don’t tell her.
She will think she’s drunk and has the usual fig leaf of alcohol to misbehave.

Someone needs to speak to her privately and make it clear there will be no more invites to family occasions if she misbehaves again.

I wouldn’t invite her and I’d tell her why - her behaviour is abusive.

She needs to address her behaviour or live with the consequences. It’s pathetic when adults behave this way.

If she insists on attending lock the drinks in the garage, serve guests yourself and limit her to one- tell her you’ll do this before she arrives to avoid a scene. Your sister does not deserve this abuse.

I’ve just seen your updates OP - how utterly heartbreaking; I’m so sorry.

Definitely do an alcohol free barbecue, and hold it on a day you think your Mum can’t come.

Then I’d advise your sister applying to her local council to go on the housing waiting list - she must declare she’s being abused, coercively controlled and having her money taken off her. This is abuse. This should help her move quite quickly up the housing list. My sister got a 2 bed flat with a housing association for similar reasons; admittedly she had a child, but your sister may well find herself higher priority because of what’s going on at home.

She should also call Refuge and Women’s Aid’s helplines for advice - it’s not just for women being abused by men, but suffering any familial abuse, so your sister can contact them. I hope things work out well for you all.

OP I have similar issues in my family with alcohol, the spitefulness and bitterness comes out once they drink and it makes everything so tense and awkward.
I had a family gathering recently with extended family and I made it alcohol free. I know some people would have liked a drink but for me it was the safest way to ensure a peaceful occasion.

If you don't want to confront her about the issue I suggest:

• no alcohol,


• swapping out some of her drinks for low alcohol/no alcohol drinks particularly after a few when she is less likely to notice any difference in taste


• arranging with other family members to get her home or wrap up the BBQ early if she kicks off. I would record her behavior and show it to her afterwards and let her know the result of her carry on. Use it to confront the issue going forward.

Good luck and I hope you enjoy the day.

OK. You obviously didn't mid the drama with your old neighbours too much as you seemingly want to have the same thing with your new ones.

Someone is going to cause a problem and your solution is to let them cause a problem for not only your guests but your neighbours too, instead of cutting the cancer out.

The only answer to him threatening to shoot himself is "Good, at least that way you're not risking other people's lives by drink driving"

Very sad shes very abusive towards you both is you brother her favourtie by any chance

i hope your dsis can move out soon and cut her off

I will speak to the rest of the family about it later on today and see what their opinions are

Does it matter? As host I'd have thought it was up to you to decide what's acceptable or not, especially when she causes mass upset and you've already said the general family attitude is "We know what she's like"

Given that you're not even close to the woman it seems to me that a little courage is needed here - after all what's the worst she could do?

You know that the chance of your mother kicking off is 100%, so why put yourself through the inevitable. There will be fall out, so let the fall out happen after the BBQ and not during. The choice is yours but you know that appeasement hasn’t and doesn’t work.

This is exactly what I was going to say. If you broach the subject beforehand she will no doubt be prickly and it'll cause tension. Just wait until it inevitably goes a bit sour and ask her to tone it down or leave. Be prepared for the fallout though. My mum used to be exactly like this and I called her out on it and although it took a few attempts, she eventually did something about it. Really not an easy one though.

But off topic … but could your sister consider being a property guardian?

Well she does "do those things", she may choose not to recall them but everyone can. Record her and play it back to her. Alternatively, make it very clear if there is any of her shitty behaviour, she'll be gtg put in a cab home.
Good luck.

Buy a couple of bottles of alcohol free wine and decant it into an alcoholic one 🙂. That's her personal bottle.

This.
If the majority of people know what she is like with drink then they will entirely understand. If there is anyone new then explain that there won't be any alcohol, and why. If your mother complains about the lack of alcohol you can tell her why. Hopefully, as she will be stone cold sober, she will get the message. Too much alcohol turns most people into arseholes. Lack of it is no bad thing.

Make Nosecco cocktails and get her drinking those. Best for all your guests anyway. I love non-alcoholic wine too.

Do not invite. There’s no way you can risk it.