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Original poster

How to handle this situation? BBQ & drinking

184 replies

ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 20:12

So we are planning to have a BBQ next week for QJ.

My mum can’t handle her drink, she’s not an alcoholic, but when she does get a couple of drinks in her she starts picking fights (verbal obviously) and being argumentative with people, my younger sister (in her 20’s) in particular she can be quite horrible to.

Obviously it wouldn’t be fair to deny everyone else there alcohol because of her (or would it?!) but how do I tell a fully grown adult she’s only allowed one drink?!

The BBQ is at my house, and the rest of the family who live with her will be invited so it’s not like I can just leave her out, but I don’t want her to ruin it or make my sisters day miserable by being nasty to her because she’s had a couple of glasses of wino!

how do I handle this sensitively? If I bring up her behaviour and the real reason why, she will get defensive and rain down hell on me

OP posts:
Dancer47 · 24/05/2022 21:00

ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 20:23

Good idea about low or no alcohol wine/alcohol, I’ll look into them and see what’s most realistic etc, I know they do low/no alcohol gin now so that might be an option

Sorry, but that won't work - she will just drink more until her alcohol level is up to where she wants it to be. She will also complain loudly that the drink is ''too weak''.

Your mother has a drink problem. No-one sets out to act like that.

I was at a christening party lunch last weekend. The mum had been cooking for 4 days and made a terrific meal. Such lovely people and about 45 at the house and garden for a sit-down meal. There was one woman in her 50s who came and got drunk and she ruined it for everyone, swearing in front of children, being loud and being completely obnoxious and inappropriate. I was working a little bar for the baby's Mum and when drunk woman came up asking for more champagne got up the courage to say ''You've had enough to drink''. Everyone is on coffee and pudding now, and I hope you aren't going to drive in your condition'' and got someone to take her straight home. The host burst into tears with relief. Thee people ruin everything.

It's time to rein her in, OP. Don't let her do it to you any more.

Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 21:03

thank you for all the suggestions, she does go off for a few days here and there, so I’m going to find out if she’s going away next week and do the BBQ on that day and then I can just tell her that’s the day we are having it on and unfortunately she won’t be in the area to join us

if alcohol is around anywhere usually, she just helps herself to it, if she’s not away next week, then I think I’m going to stick to my guns about it being an alcohol free BBQ (can use the excuse of not wanting it around kids) and make some fun mocktail type drinks instead

OP posts:
Cuwins · 24/05/2022 21:04

ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 21:03

thank you for all the suggestions, she does go off for a few days here and there, so I’m going to find out if she’s going away next week and do the BBQ on that day and then I can just tell her that’s the day we are having it on and unfortunately she won’t be in the area to join us

if alcohol is around anywhere usually, she just helps herself to it, if she’s not away next week, then I think I’m going to stick to my guns about it being an alcohol free BBQ (can use the excuse of not wanting it around kids) and make some fun mocktail type drinks instead

I think the alcohol free bbq is a great idea. I don't drink either and would love to be invited to that!

Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 21:05

I don’t think anyone else will mind not having a proper drink as long as adequate alternative drinks are provided

OP posts:
Cuwins · 24/05/2022 21:05

ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 21:05

I don’t think anyone else will mind not having a proper drink as long as adequate alternative drinks are provided

And I'm sure those who know your mum will know why your doing it

Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 21:06

@Cuwins I haven’t had a proper drink in years… something about wasting my money on something that will make me feel horrendous the next day just doesn’t appeal to me! (I don’t handle drink very well and get drunk and then sick after 1 drink)

OP posts:
Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 21:08

Yes to be fair I think they will probably be relieved and would rather not drink and not have the drama, my Grandma gets really upset by it and ends up crying and going home, just watching how her daughter treats people. So i don’t want her to be on egg shells all day either because she really is too quiet and such a sweet lady she hates any type of confrontation and is getting on a bit now

OP posts:
RishiRich · 24/05/2022 21:09

"Mum, one glass for you. We all know what happens after the second!" - loudly, infront of everyone. That'll do it.

godmum56 · 24/05/2022 21:09

Op alcohol free is fine but don't you think its time and more than time that you pulled up your big girl pants and put your foot down? I mean what exactly does she bring to your life? You "spent your whole childhood being shouted at" Do you want this person around your kids?

WisteriaLodge · 24/05/2022 21:11

ilovesooty · 24/05/2022 20:27

She'll be able to taste the difference straight away. Beer or cider you might get away with taste wise, but not wine or spirits.

Show quote history

Not if she drinks Gordons alcohol free gin, it's bloody amazing! I really can't taste the difference, it taste like Gordons normal gin! She might twig when she doesn't get all light headed after a couple of glasses though. I can't speak for other alcohol free drinks though...

Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 21:11

@godmum56 thankfully she doesn’t shout at my kids, but you can tell she sees being a grandparent as a chore rather than getting any enjoyment out of it.

We aren’t currently on the best of terms, we fell out because I have a younger sibling who has a different dad from my sister and me who she had a bit later on in life but he is an adult now and it’s made very clear that me and my sister are treated badly compared to him and when I tried explaining to her how that made us feel she went off on the deep end and again ended up being shouted at… haven’t spoken to her since last week but she will still expect an invitation

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 24/05/2022 21:14

You could have a BBQ without any alcohol - how likely are your guests to go along with that? I.e. is it the done thing for people to bring a bottle or a 6-pack anyway as a "host" gift, or might they send someone to the off-license and stock up if they realise you've only got soft drinks?

Will your mum be okay with it? Or will she become abusive anyway? Is it only drink that makes her that way? You say she shouted at you a lot during your childhood. Was that because she was drunk a lot (in which you probably need to rethink your claim she's not an alcoholic) or because she's abusive anyway, it's just worse when she drinks?

Since you don't drink I don't think no alcohol at the BBQ is a bad solution if your guests will be happy with it and it would actually stop your mum.

If people are likely to provide their own or your mum is likely to be nasty anyway then not inviting her is the way to go. You haven't given a single reason why you'd want her there. It's entirely about avoiding confrontation because other people she lives with are being invited. But you're going to have confrontation when she kicks off, so better to do it beforehand and get it over with so you can enjoy the party.

The ideas about having someone watch her and intervene as soon as she starts to "turn" seem fraught with risk - it will be too late at that point. If it's alcohol that gets her this way by the time someone starts to intervene she'll only have processed a small part of what's in her system, she'll be getting more drunk, and so less inhibited, for some time after you've realised she's got nasty. How are you going to get her to stop if she never thinks there's anything wrong in what she does? She isn't going to recognise it when she's drunk. Is someone going to manhandle her out of the garden and get her home? That seems like a risky plan that will likely backfire.

Vikinga · 24/05/2022 21:14

It sounds like she's abusive even when sober though. Can your sister move?

godmum56 · 24/05/2022 21:14

ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 21:11

@godmum56 thankfully she doesn’t shout at my kids, but you can tell she sees being a grandparent as a chore rather than getting any enjoyment out of it.

We aren’t currently on the best of terms, we fell out because I have a younger sibling who has a different dad from my sister and me who she had a bit later on in life but he is an adult now and it’s made very clear that me and my sister are treated badly compared to him and when I tried explaining to her how that made us feel she went off on the deep end and again ended up being shouted at… haven’t spoken to her since last week but she will still expect an invitation

no but she shouts and swears around them? or do you whisk them away?

Snoken · 24/05/2022 21:14

It won't solve anything just giving her low alcohol or no alcohol on this one occasion. There will soon be another occasion for her to get drunk and abuse your little sister. She needs to know that she is not welcome if she drinks, period. She is abusive and ruins it for everyone else, that is all she needs to know. That needs to be the norm for the whole group. Mother cannot come if she has a drink.

ThreeLittleDots · 24/05/2022 21:16

but she will still expect an invitation

So?! She has no power over you. Read up on FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

WiddlinDiddlin · 24/05/2022 21:16

RishiRich · 24/05/2022 21:09

"Mum, one glass for you. We all know what happens after the second!" - loudly, infront of everyone. That'll do it.

Absolutely doesn't with some people. With my Dad you'd just get a load of belligerent abuse back about how he can do what he likes and if he can't have a drink well he might as well go and shoot himself etc etc.

Then he'd go and get himself a drink and shove anyone who tried to stop him out of the way. Then he'd try to refuse a lift home and try to drive (we steal his keys) and then threaten to walk and 'if I get killed walking on the roads it will be your fault'.

He no longer attends such events.

Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 21:19

@NumberTheory to be honest it’s mainly a family event and I would say only a handful of them drink regularly anyway, and a couple of them have been trying to cut back for their health, so I don’t think they would be overly fussed. 1 of them in particular might want a couple of beers in, but my mum doesn’t drink beer so that might be a safer option to get some beers in? (The brand that she especially hates!)

she has always been abusive I would say, but I know she was really stressed out when we were kids raising us alone and working different jobs to pay the bills etc so I’ve always made excuses for her, I remember her chasing me round the house trying to grab me by my collar etc.

however I am also a single parent raising my kids and have a lot of stresses going on and I don’t behave in that way towards them so as the years have gone on the excuses I made for her, I’ve started to realise are not acceptable and I made a promise to myself the day my first child was born to not be a mother like that so I shield them from her behaviour and they don’t see any of that

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 24/05/2022 21:23

Youve got to start standing up to her

did you say your sister lives with her? just say shes no invited youre already not talking so its a perfect excuse you dont want to see her

Riverlee · 24/05/2022 21:24

If you do serve alcohol, then can you pre-warn her that if she starts raising her voice, and is abusive, then you/will call a taxi for her?

Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 21:26

Yes my sister lives with her - unfortunately because she really hates it but has no means to move out at the moment (she’s saving as much as she can but whenever she starts building up a little bit my mum finds a reason to take it from her and puts her back to square 1, she knows if my sister moves out she will lose her income because she pays into the household)

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 24/05/2022 21:29

however I am also a single parent raising my kids and have a lot of stresses going on and I don’t behave in that way towards them so as the years have gone on the excuses I made for her, I’ve started to realise are not acceptable and I made a promise to myself the day my first child was born to not be a mother like that so I shield them from her behaviour and they don’t see any of that

Can you shield them from it if she's around? How did they miss her swearing in the garden at your old place if the neighbours heard enough to come round and talk to you about it afterwards? Are you sure she won't have a go at you or your sister when she isn't drinking? Was she drunk when she shouted at you for talking about your feelings over the way she treated you compared to your brother?

Original poster
ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 21:32

@NumberTheory if she starts behaving like that at someone else’s house then I leave with the kids, there have been times when I’ve left my own house with them though and sat in the car until she left

she wasn’t drunk when we fell out, that’s just how she is, when she knows someone is telling her the truth about what she is doing or that she might have upset them etc, she gets really defensive and starts shouting and screaming - even when sober - that’s just her personality

even if you’re speaking to her about something positive, like my sister wanted to further her training and gain extra qualifications, she started shouting at her telling her it was a waste of time etc

OP posts:
AnAfternoonWalk · 24/05/2022 21:34

RishiRich · 24/05/2022 21:09

"Mum, one glass for you. We all know what happens after the second!" - loudly, infront of everyone. That'll do it.

I usually prefer very subtle and discreet solutions but in this case, the advice above, done in public while she’s sober, will force her to face her behavior. Also have someone shadow her, and have drinks just at one station, so she can’t have more than one. Mock cocktails are also a great solution. Or, make sure she doesn’t like whatever alcohol you’re serving.

NumberTheory · 24/05/2022 21:36

Riverlee · 24/05/2022 21:24

If you do serve alcohol, then can you pre-warn her that if she starts raising her voice, and is abusive, then you/will call a taxi for her?

Why do you think she will just get into a taxi and go home once she's drunk and abusive?