How to handle this situation? BBQ & drinking

[ohwhattodo96]

So we are planning to have a BBQ next week for QJ.

My mum can’t handle her drink, she’s not an alcoholic, but when she does get a couple of drinks in her she starts picking fights (verbal obviously) and being argumentative with people, my younger sister (in her 20’s) in particular she can be quite horrible to.

Obviously it wouldn’t be fair to deny everyone else there alcohol because of her (or would it?!) but how do I tell a fully grown adult she’s only allowed one drink?!

The BBQ is at my house, and the rest of the family who live with her will be invited so it’s not like I can just leave her out, but I don’t want her to ruin it or make my sisters day miserable by being nasty to her because she’s had a couple of glasses of wino!

how do I handle this sensitively? If I bring up her behaviour and the real reason why, she will get defensive and rain down hell on me

Could you let your sister save into a savings account in your name so your mother couldn't get her hands on it? She seems intent on sabotaging your poor sisters' chances of advancement and leaving home.
Awful situation for you all, she sounds totally unhinged. Hope the BBQ works out whatever you decide.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and helpful advice 💐

unfortunately my sister couldn’t stay with me as we don’t have the space (kids already having to share rooms) and it will also affect some of the help that I get with my rent etc and it would take up a lot of her wages to replace that which I wouldn’t want for her either (I wish I could afford to keep her with us without having to do that but I can’t)

what my mum does is whenever my sister has some savings built up or when she got a promotion at work, she pretty much doubled her rent/keep or whatever you want to call it (even though my sisters wages hardly went up after this) or there is always something to ‘replace’ in the house which she expects my sister to contribute towards which then eats into her savings etc, my sister wouldn’t be able to afford to live alone and pay all the bills on top of the rent and won’t receive any help from UC (even though her wages are not very high at all)

And also my brother lives with them too, earns double what my sister does, yet has to pay the same amount of keep as my sister, never has to contribute towards household replacements and my mum is giving him money left right and centre ontop, and my sister has a lot of resentment towards her for this (and rightly so!)

My aunt took my mum to one side before an important family event and warned her to behave herself-she sounds similar to yours, @ohwhattodo96 but without the aggression. She gets pissed then demands to be taken home immediately, so someone has to take her. She’s ruined countless events.

The reason people put up with this shit is because it’s family and you risk losing the rest of the family if you go nc with someone, particularly if it’s a close family like mine. I’ve fallen out with my mum loads over the years but booze is more important than me. I specifically said last time I saw her that if she was carrying on drinking, I was going to bed. She chose to carry on drinking. I went to bed. At 8pm. I’m desperate not to go up this year, but I know I’ll be blackmailed into it. My family think I’m awful, I know, but I don’t see why I should put up with it.

Would your mum throw her out if she refused to give her additional money? Could she tell her it’s in an untouchable account? How does your brother live with himself see his sister giving up money when he doesn’t? 🤬

@Cherrysoup if my sister refuses to pay more she said she will take my sisters room and turn it into a wardrobe etc and my sister can sleep in the front room on the sofa… unfortunately my brother is very selfish, spends loads of money on holidays/clothes/going out whilst he stills owes money to a lot of family members (talking hundreds/thousands) - obviously people don’t lend to him anymore, but most don’t have their money back

Can your sister not look into a house share?

@ThreeLittleDots i think that’s something she’s looking into to see if she can afford it, where we live though it’s quite expensive, looking at £700-800 easily for just a bedroom, plus anytime she does try and work something out my mum emotionally blackmails her, and my sister is a really sensitive person so she finds this really difficult

Everyone knows what she’s like so just keeps quiet to keep the peace

Just WHY does everyone enable her like this; isn't there a spine between the whole lot?

I absolutely realise that challenging her would be unpleasant, but it's unpleasant already for everyone else. Yes you could make the event alcohol free, but if she's that desperate to drink she'll insist someone fetches her a bottle - and from the sound of things someone probably would

And all this for someone you're not even close to? Nothing wrong with a general rant if that's what you wanted, but if it's change you're looking for you'll need that spine

anytime she does try and work something out my mum emotionally blackmails her, and my sister is a really sensitive person so she finds this really difficult

This is why counselling or therapy would be a good investment. Not because your sister is weak, but because she's being abused.

I would volunteer to waitress for your Mum. Make sure she has lots of food and ensure her drinks are on the weak side or topped up with water. If you can speak to your sister and explain your concerns you could encourage her not to engage when your Mum starts on her. Otherwise , try to realise that people won't judge you by your Mum's behaviour and that she is responsible for whatever opinions people hold of her. At worst, if things go as you fear you will need to have a very Frank, and awkward discussion with her

Your poor, poor sister. Your mother is a witch. A cruel witch.

Your sister is being abused, who has her back?

@Herejustforthisone it really is very sad for her, because she gets no love, affection or even kindness from my mother she seeks this in the form of other relationships… basically a lot of people have shit on her but because she is so desperate for someone to just love her, she just keeps going back and back to these unhealthy bonds she forms with no good people

Idk I don’t think you can do this without avoiding confrontation and her kicking off in some form, you could beat around the bush and go softly softly, but ultimately no matter how you word it it sounds like it’ll go down like a lead balloon. so I think you should just go all out and say it how it is.

“hey mum, when you’ve had a few too many you become quite spiteful. You’re more than welcome to come to the BBQ if you stick to the soft drinks, but if you’re not prepared to do that then you will have to sit this one out”.

To add, I wouldn’t make her drinks weak. She’ll probably taste the difference, but even if she doesn’t if she thinks drinking x amount she may behave drunk anyway and still cause drama. I’d say soft drinks or nothing.

To be honest I think it will all come to a big blow out. I’m not usually a fiery and confrontational person, but she’s pushed everyone to pretty much their limits now so it might be a case of not caring what she says to me and just letting her have it (some home truths!)

Your poor sister. Can’t she live at a grandparent’s or something until she can save up. I can’t believe your whole family sits back and watches her get abused. And still pussy doors around your mother inviting her to parties and never pulling her up on her behaviour. It’s ridiculous. Tell her she’s not invited because she ruins it for everyone else and can’t behave. Then ignore her tantrums. But you all need to help your poor sister.

Would she drink something like Sangria?
I’ve not found any no alcohol wines that taste great but are ok if mixed
nosecco makes a good white version and mcguigan Merlot good for red - by the time you’ve added fruit, lemonade and orange juice it’s hard to tell
If you think others might enjoy then try mixing 1 bottle of alcohol free with 1 bottle of normal wine plus all the other bits and she might not even notice

what my mum does is whenever my sister has some savings built up or when she got a promotion at work, she pretty much doubled her rent/keep

Why does your sister tell her she has been promoted or got some money? She needs to keep quiet about her her finances.

Can't your sister stay at your grandparents?

It takes two people to have a big blow out. Don't engage with her like this.

Your sister needs to keep her savings and promotions quiet. Could she use your address for correspondence so there’s no chance of your DM finding out? And if she’s let slip her online banking details to her mum she needs to change the PINs and passwords immediately.

It really is time for you and your sister to stop handing power and information to a woman who uses it to abuse you.

You shouldn't even try to manage her drinking OP. Banning alcohol, watering drinks, extracting promises, none of it works and just means your entire focus will be on trying to control her. Its very stressful.
Her drinking is just part of a huge problem with her behaviour. You say it will all come to a head at some point, and really, it needs to. While you're trying to keep the peace, you're all just papering over the cracks and not addressing the mistreatment of your sister.
Personally I'd let events at the BBQ take their course. Defend your sister and remove your mother if her behaviour is unacceptable. It will no doubt lead to the confrontation you're dreading, but it really needs to happen as you can't go on like this.

I would give her a sterne warning if she starts I'd physically remove her and she wouldn't be invited again.

I understand it's risky she'll most likely kick off anyway.

At least it gives you the opportunity to bar her forevermore.

I would have physically removed her in your last home once she started.

You shouldn't even try to manage her drinking OP. Banning alcohol, watering drinks, extracting promises, none of it works and just means your entire focus will be on trying to control her. Its very stressful

This. You can’t stop an alcoholic drinking.