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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to handle this situation? BBQ & drinking

184 replies

ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 20:12

So we are planning to have a BBQ next week for QJ.

My mum can’t handle her drink, she’s not an alcoholic, but when she does get a couple of drinks in her she starts picking fights (verbal obviously) and being argumentative with people, my younger sister (in her 20’s) in particular she can be quite horrible to.

Obviously it wouldn’t be fair to deny everyone else there alcohol because of her (or would it?!) but how do I tell a fully grown adult she’s only allowed one drink?!

The BBQ is at my house, and the rest of the family who live with her will be invited so it’s not like I can just leave her out, but I don’t want her to ruin it or make my sisters day miserable by being nasty to her because she’s had a couple of glasses of wino!

how do I handle this sensitively? If I bring up her behaviour and the real reason why, she will get defensive and rain down hell on me

OP posts:
cherish123 · 25/05/2022 20:46

Don't invite her.

RampantIvy · 25/05/2022 21:17

pollymere · 25/05/2022 20:19

Make Nosecco cocktails and get her drinking those. Best for all your guests anyway. I love non-alcoholic wine too.

You aren't a wine lover then Grin
I haven't found a drinkable non alcoholic wine TBH. However, I often drink non alcoholic beer, and find it very palatable.

Aprilx · 25/05/2022 21:49

ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 20:22

if I don’t invite her that is going to cause mayhem for everyone too because of her reaction, sensitively because I don’t want her turning on me being defensive, just want to do this as peacefully as possible, I hate drama and confrontation

But it sounds like thee are only two options. You either invite her and suffer the consequences or you don’t invite her. I’d go for the latter if there was a repeated problem here, I don’t know why keep putting up with it.

keffie12 · 25/05/2022 21:58

ohwhattodo96 · 24/05/2022 20:12

So we are planning to have a BBQ next week for QJ.

My mum can’t handle her drink, she’s not an alcoholic, but when she does get a couple of drinks in her she starts picking fights (verbal obviously) and being argumentative with people, my younger sister (in her 20’s) in particular she can be quite horrible to.

Obviously it wouldn’t be fair to deny everyone else there alcohol because of her (or would it?!) but how do I tell a fully grown adult she’s only allowed one drink?!

The BBQ is at my house, and the rest of the family who live with her will be invited so it’s not like I can just leave her out, but I don’t want her to ruin it or make my sisters day miserable by being nasty to her because she’s had a couple of glasses of wino!

how do I handle this sensitively? If I bring up her behaviour and the real reason why, she will get defensive and rain down hell on me

I don't think you know what a drink problem is! It's not about how much you drink, how often you drink. It's about what happens when you drink.

i work in this field and see these problems every day.

If a person drinking is causing problems then she is certainly heading for or is in the early stages of alcoholism.

Take a look at this link. Hope its useful to you or others

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/who-is-it-for/

PunishmentSnart · 25/05/2022 22:45

From your updates this is much more than your mum having a few drinks.

Even sober she sounds like a nasty bully. Just step back from her or call her out.

Your sister needs to stop telling her about promotions or pay rises too.

You both need to stand up to her or this will just end up being a vicious circle of your life.

How old is your sister?

LimpBiskit · 25/05/2022 22:58

If you don't call her out on her behaviour, you are effectively enabling it. You've said you don't like confrontation but sometimes you need to have stern conversations as it's part of being an adult. This is one such time.

MadMadaMim · 25/05/2022 23:41

YABU because you are facilitating her behaviour. YANBU because she's your mum and she's a bully and she has maltreated you forever and you've been traumatised and it's scary to even think about standing up to her, let alone actually doing it!

It won't ever change if there are no consequences. The reason your mother behaves this way is because everyone allows it. If people didn't allow it, she wouldn't do it.

I'd invite her stipulating that she cannot drink. If she asks why, I'd be honest and tell her I don't want the drama. If she rained down hell on me, I'd uninvite her and go no contact.

I had to do the same with my mother. Alcohol wasn't an issue but her behaviour used to be atrocious.
She's as good as gold now, for the most part. And when she isn't, I tell her what she's doing, why it is unacceptable, and go no contact.

Life's too short to put up with other people's shit, regardless of who they are. It seems scary and impossible but honestly, afterwards you'll wonder why you didn't do something years ago. And your sister should do the same. Yes, she needs somewhere to live BUTyour mum needs her rent/keep. Your sister should respectfully, calmly and non confrontationally explain to your mum that things need to change - somewhere neutral and public. If your mum loses it, she should just walk away/leave.

When I started down this road with my mum it took a few months for her to realise I meant it - I wasn't going to take her sh#t any more. I stopped calling her. When we did speak, if she started I'd give her 2 warnings, nicely, but firmly telling her if she didn't stop I'd put the phone down. I'd tell her again and then if she carried on, I'd put the phone down. It's hard but for us (I have siblings), it worked. She used to get physical as well and the last time she did, I squared up to her and begged her to do it again as I had 40 years of hitting back to unleash. She knew I meant it (and I never hit anyone, ever but I absolutely mean it). She's never threatened to hit me again since that day - textbook bully response.

I'll be honest - it took about 2 years to see the positive consistent behaviour changes. It was like training a pet or teaching a child. Repetition, consequence, reward etc. She hardly ever reverts to old habits and if she does, I immediately shut it down or simply leave.

They're our parents but that doesn't mean we have to accept their behaviour. It's toxic and bad for us and those around us. You think you're shielding your children but they must pick up on it. I refused to let that carry on down the generations.

Tip toeing round her is not helping anyone. The reality is, unless she's made to understand that her behaviour is unacceptable, she has no reason to change it and she won't. It's that simple.

I'm really sorry you're going through this and I wish I could transfer the experience of the last 20 years I've had, over to you so you could see and believe this is doable. And for the best.

Sending you strength and hope all goes well.

TinselTinsel · 25/05/2022 23:44

@ohwhattodo96 , my mum isn't a big drinker but when it's free, fills her boots and gets argumentative. At one family get together, me and my sister bought some non alcoholic wine and poured it into old wine bottles 😂As always, mum drained bottles (yet stated she wasn't keen on it as it was weak, yep mum, expensive pop 😂) Peace kept!

Londoncallingme · 26/05/2022 00:02

Does she drink wine? Keep topping up with an alcohol free one?

Arkestra · 26/05/2022 00:21

MadMadaMim is bang on. Your house, your rules. If your mum won't accept that, then she needs to be trained. She has been training you for decades.

Jadebanditchillipepper · 26/05/2022 00:34

Your poor sister. Over and over again, you prioritise your Mum's awful behaviour over the health and wellbeing of your sister. Your Mum IS an alcoholic if she behaves like this after drinking.

You have two choices -

Don't invite her at all (this would be the most sensible option - and tell her why)

Invite her, but tell her that the minute her behaviour becomes unacceptable, you will be removing her and sending her home in a taxi.

Your sister is your family as much as your Mum is. Why have you previously proritised your Mum's unacceptable behaviour over the health and wellbeing of your sister?

HiJenny35 · 26/05/2022 01:13

Your mum is an alcoholic. Please don't under play this behaviour by saying she isn't.

TomRaider · 26/05/2022 02:48

I read the op and thought OMG the OP must be my secret siblings.

RubyandPearl · 26/05/2022 07:09

I feel your pain! I agree with others though, she's a grown up. I know its harder because she's your mum but if it was anyone else you'd absolutely tell them to wind it in if they were ruining special occasions. Just be honest with her. It's possible she doesn't realise the effect her behaviour is having. And if she does and is still carrying on she doesn't deserve to be invited anywhere. Good luck.

NannaKaren · 26/05/2022 07:15

We have a close family member like this; your DM is probably a functioning alcoholic - they don’t stop as they can’t see it themselves but get all nasty and pick fights, etc …sorry everyone will be on tenderhooks, ban her 💔

ShirleyJackson · 26/05/2022 07:20

Big jug of very weak Pimms that you keep topped up with lemonade.

When she arrives, take her to one side. Tell her you’ll have to ask her to leave if she misbehaves. If she kicks off, ask her if she would like to leave there and then?

Assign your DH to tag team you in keeping an eye on her and your poor sister.

The first sign of any mayhem, ring her a taxi.

Happyface246 · 26/05/2022 07:45

i could have written this message myself . Had the same situation - just kept my mum on a white wine lemonade spritzer (she wanted wine) and gave her lots of jobs to do … taking food out, clearing away etc. seemed to work that time but who knows for the next… good luck let us know how it goes x

maddy68 · 26/05/2022 07:56

Be honest with her. Tell her no more than two drinks the minute she gets lairy she must leave

Thisbastardcomputer · 26/05/2022 08:05

I barred my Mother from my huge 50th birthday party. It wasn't for drinking, it was because she was so catty and very snobby. Had a lot to say about friends and especially anyone drinking.

She asked me what I was doing for my 50th, I told her and didn't lie but added she wasn't invited because of the above. I didn't want her offending my friends, who love a good party, as do I.

She turned up anyway but I gave her a warning, first sign of trouble and you're out. She behaved herself for once.

I'd got a marquee, band, hog roast etc, huge do, I set some tables up in the garden and asked her to serve birthday cake to anyone who came to the table, she very reluctantly did this, she thought I should do it, I was run off my feet.

axolotlfloof · 26/05/2022 08:50

Well if you don't drink I would just have no alcohol.
Or don't invite her.
If there is alcohol there and everyone is scared of her it will definitely happen again.

Solonge · 26/05/2022 09:16

Im a mum of kids in their thirties. My husband is known to drink too much and though he doesnt cause a scene...he can be really annoying. If any of my kids said they were having a party and asked him to tone it down....he would understand....and I would be limiting his intake. You have to be upfront...tell your mum that you do not want a repeat of what has happened before, that you and your sister wont accommodate that kind of behaviour. Ask if she would like one real drink before hitting the alcohol free....dont give her a choice of more. If she argues....then you know you will end up with a repeat of the situation and dont in
vite her.

MarchingOnTogether · 26/05/2022 10:36

What does she drink? Could you buy some low/non alcohol alternatives?

Regina70 · 26/05/2022 11:19

Low alcohol options it is I think ... and if she still kick off, film it. I bet seeing how she behaves the day after, when cold sober might be the waking call she needs to change her attitude; and if she thinks it's ok, I personally would not allow a bully to impact future family reunions in such a way. It is a terrible example to kids, your poor sister deserves better and you should all stop making excuses for a grown woman who should know better. It would be private dinner, no alcohol from there on end!

Juniper68 · 26/05/2022 12:20

I was going to suggest filming her too. But I wouldn't be inviting an abusive bitch to my home, related or not.

Morgysmum · 26/05/2022 13:40

You can have a BBQ, without Alcohol. I don't drink, I can if I want, but I don't.
So why not have one without Alcohol. You could make cocktails (none alcohol version) then still have fun without alcohol. For some reason people think, you cannot relax and have fun with Alcohol. You can, I have been doing for 42 years. then when people get home, they can have a drink if the want, your mum will have a nice time, so will your younger sister. Its a win win.

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