How to handle this situation? BBQ & drinking

[ohwhattodo96]

So we are planning to have a BBQ next week for QJ.

My mum can’t handle her drink, she’s not an alcoholic, but when she does get a couple of drinks in her she starts picking fights (verbal obviously) and being argumentative with people, my younger sister (in her 20’s) in particular she can be quite horrible to.

Obviously it wouldn’t be fair to deny everyone else there alcohol because of her (or would it?!) but how do I tell a fully grown adult she’s only allowed one drink?!

The BBQ is at my house, and the rest of the family who live with her will be invited so it’s not like I can just leave her out, but I don’t want her to ruin it or make my sisters day miserable by being nasty to her because she’s had a couple of glasses of wino!

how do I handle this sensitively? If I bring up her behaviour and the real reason why, she will get defensive and rain down hell on me

OP there MUST be SOMEONE your sister can live with that isn’t your mum. And she doesn’t need to tell her (or your brother), she needs to just sneak out one day. Can she not live with your grandparents? Or an aunt?
I’m sure from then on she would be able to build her self-worth.
Surely living anywhere other than being threatened and constant abuse is better!

Yes I've been thinking this. If there wasn't a decent family member who wouldn't fleece your sister would she consider a house share? It certainly couldn't be worse than living with her toxic, greedy mother and she could relax in her own space. I'm sure there are loads of places to look but here's one site I keep hearing about. spareroom.com uk.

Considering her mother keeps taking her money she'd be better off elsewhere and keep her money to herself. (Change her bank login and password of course and redirect her mail...). And I agree - she shouldn't announce she's leaving - just gather up all her stuff and leave - perhaps you could help with that? The current situation sounds miserable. 🌹

Of course it will come to a confrontation at some point.
Your mother has you between a rock & a hard place - keep quiet for an easy life, & watch her reduce your sister & grandmother to tears - or challenge her, & have her turn her venom on you ...

Your mother clearly has more problems than alcoholism. The way you describe her favouring your brother, while financially abusing your sister, speaks of the Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic beloved of personality disordered individuals.

I think you would benefit from applying some radical honesty to the situation.
"Mum, I'm not asking you to the BBQ because it's inevitable what will happen - you will embarrass me in front of my new neighbours by getting pissed & screeching, then you will abuse my sister & GM until they are in tears. I'm not having it. I will see you another time if you can stay sober, but you are not welcome to ruin yet another family event."

Then let whatever fallout that happens .... happen.
What's the worst she can do? Shout? - just hang up on her.
She doesn't get to dump her toxicity on you - you have no reason to listen to her.

Have you ever looked into support for you & your sister about your mother's problematic drinking? - You will find advice, support, & strategies here - www.al-anonuk.org.uk/who-is-it-for/

As for your poor little sister - she is trapped in a relationship with a domestic abuser, who is also financially abusing her to the point that she is unable to save enough money to escape.
Your sister needs to be encouraged to get away from her monstrous mother.
Can you suggest that she initially contacts Womens Aid? DA does not have to be perpetrated by a partner - WA support the victim no matter who the perpetrator is.
She would also benefit from learning more about how to escape her circumstances via Shelter "if you are at risk of harm or abuse" - england.shelter.org.uk/get_help/helpline
I would say that being reduced to tears by toxic verbal abuse, & having all your spare money stolen is not just risk of harm - it is active & ongoing harm.

It's time to put your foot down OP.
Good luck

how do I handle this sensitively?
You don't.
All your family has tiptoed around your mother's appalling displays of selfishness & poison for years. It hasn't worked for any of you.
Fuck "sensitive".
You are a grown up. You lay down the law for what you will tolerate in your own home.

If I bring up her behaviour and the real reason why, she will get defensive and rain down hell on me
How will she rain down hell if you are not listening?

I know this is a hard one, when you have decades of training in accepting a coercive controller's bullshit.
But look at her as the Wizard of Oz - everyone's so scared of the mighty wizard that nobody challenges what they imagine is his 'power'. Then an itty bitty little girl pulls the curtain back, & what's there?
Just a pathetic old man.
Your mother is that pathetic. You just imagine that she has power. It's a total illusion.
If she rings you up to "rain hell" - hang up.
If she does it again? - block
If she turns up to 'rain hell' - don't let her in.
Or escort her out if she is already in, then kicks off at you.
If she refuses to leave - call the cops.
YES. ON YOUR OWN MOTHER.

If you keep letting this out of control tyrant call all the shots, none of you will ever be free of her. Or what you imagine is her 'power'.

I'm all for family solidarity OP, but you don;t need anybody else's opinion on how you handle invitations to a BBQ at your own home.

Be VERY wary that other family members don't knee-jerk into the usual position of enablement:
you can't do that! - she'll be furious!
but when she finds out she'll say xyz
oh come on it's not that bad
look we'll just say she can only have 1 drink
etc etc

All very well to give your other family members - especially your sister - the heads up, but this is YOUR decision, YOUR house, & YOUR toxic relationship with your mother.
Don't allow anyone else to tell you how you "ought" to manage this godawful woman - you've done enough already. At least 3 decades I imagine.

It's your sister's predicament that's the real worry though isn't it? Please tell her about WA & Shelter, & get her thinking of creative ways of getting away from your mother. She won't heal until she's out from under that roof.

Op please go to AlAnon. You will help and support there.

To the PP saying give her no/low alcohol equivalents on the sly. If it goes well and she isn't abusive you will just bolster her opinion that she can drink like a hero and she isn't a problem and that one time she did well will be used to bash you over the head every time you try to bring this up forevermore.

OP, best of luck with this. I think your taking the best road in not inviting her both in keeping yourself safe and hopefully inspiring your sister to stand up to her too.

People have been hard on you here. It is actually a very challenging situation when there is someone with any form of drink issue. I have experienced it and sympathetic to it. I do agree that sensitive but direct and honest conversation is the way to go. It is awful going into an event with this anxiety about how it will unfold (also been there). Or you could keep it under your hat and not invite family. That might feel stressful in other ways.

I hope your poor sister has found some help to get out of her abusive situation and also that you had your barbecue without your mother there.