How to handle this situation? BBQ & drinking

[ohwhattodo96]

So we are planning to have a BBQ next week for QJ.

My mum can’t handle her drink, she’s not an alcoholic, but when she does get a couple of drinks in her she starts picking fights (verbal obviously) and being argumentative with people, my younger sister (in her 20’s) in particular she can be quite horrible to.

Obviously it wouldn’t be fair to deny everyone else there alcohol because of her (or would it?!) but how do I tell a fully grown adult she’s only allowed one drink?!

The BBQ is at my house, and the rest of the family who live with her will be invited so it’s not like I can just leave her out, but I don’t want her to ruin it or make my sisters day miserable by being nasty to her because she’s had a couple of glasses of wino!

how do I handle this sensitively? If I bring up her behaviour and the real reason why, she will get defensive and rain down hell on me

Every time you try and mention anything to her she just goes into one, starts shouting, dictating to people - it’s honestly draining.

she’s always been this kind of way, I remember being shouted at pretty much the whole way through my childhood which is why me and my sister don’t have a close relationship with her now.

everyone knows what she’s like so just keeps quiet to keep the peace - albeit it’s only peace for the short term but in long term her behaviour keeps repeating and I do know that

Your mum is obviously a bully and she has everyone tip toeing around her. Looks like the new neighbours are in for some drama!

@Motnight to be fair we don’t see much of her, but because she knows everyone else will want to be there, she won’t want to be the odd one out

i don’t actually drink myself and nor does anyone in my household so I could use that as an excuse to not have alcohol at the BBQ altogether?

Every time you try and mention anything to her she just goes into one, starts shouting, dictating to people - it’s honestly draining.

Very quietly, "then I'm afraid you're not invited" and leave. Every time. Quiet, firm boundary, then exit.

Don't engage, say very little, don't engage with her reasons, give less attention, exit.

It will get worse. Then it will get better.

Would she not bring her own bottle of wine if you only have non alcoholic drinks?

OMG, given your updates just don't invite her. So what if she won't want to be left out?

Personally I would slip the old boot a Valium (joke).

Please try to find the courage to stand up for yourself and your sister. Rope in other family member if necessary. But I promise that it will be worth it if you can stand firm.

it’s hard taking the leading adult role with parents but you will find it gets easier with practice.

Oh dear my ex was like this. Excruciating embarrassing every bbq we had. Easy to avoid now as I told him. Then dumped him. Just don't invite her. Set your boundaries. She cannot be the queen bee here. My ex now lives alone and is a functioning alcoholic. I couldn't live with the shame of him insulting me at bbqs with friends in front of my.kids. arsehole. Your mum needs excluding, sorry. That's the only way

Don't tell her before hand?

Is she ever sorry for upsetting people when she’s pissed? Like the day after when she is hungover? Because if she is, there’s some remorse and appreciation that it isn’t the way to behave and you can work with that.
If she just doesn’t care and feels entitled to behave that way, then I think you either have to brace yourself for that, or tell her not to cone.
How awful for you.

I think this is one of those crunch points in life where you need to step up and be the adult because your mother cant and she's trained you to enable her terrible behaviour.

When she starts kicking off shut her down. You can either address it before hand. 'Mum, I need to ask you to be on yiur best behaviour at this bbq. It was really embarrasing for me last time, my neighbours heard all your drunk swearing and abuse towards dsis'. This will tip her over the edge. Be calm and just repeat 'are you able to donthis for me?' If the answer is anything other than yes which it will be then just tell her it's best if she doesn't come. If she's abusive to you out the phone down, walk away whatever and ignore till you get an apology. If you leave it till the event and she starts on your sister tell her firmly not to spoil the day. When she kicks off at you don't give her the audience say 'I've made my point, it's not up for discussion' then walk away. If she follows to carry on ask her to leave. The less you say the more she will dig her own hole.

Your poor sister. I get that you don’t like confrontation OP, but your mum sounds absolutely awful, and I think if you bite the bullet now and pluck up the courage to tell her that she isn’t invited and the reason why your life will be a lot more peaceful in the long run.

What do you and the rest f the family do when she does this?
Can someone take her home when she starts?

You can’t solve this without being forthright and it will cause problems.

So you either have problems with your mum, problems with everyone she starts on plus your neighbours, or you don’t have the party.

Those are your options.

Has no one brought this up before with her?

Can she be the designated driver? Sounds very much like it's her turn.

Like PPs have said, surely you either don't invite her (and just let her cause mayhem if that's how she'll react) or if/when she starts kicking off you all stand up for whoever she's getting at and tell her her behaviour isn't acceptable and to go home? I get if you're naturally more shy about confrontation that can be difficult but by just letting her be an arse you are giving it the green flag to keep happening whilst showing the person she's getting at that their feelings aren't as important as your Mum's.

I'd be inclined to not invite her. And tell her why.

Your poor sister.

don’t have a close relationship with her now

Then why have you invited her?

And yet you still invite her and pour her drinks

what sort of message is that sending to you and to your sister?

that your sister is ok to be the collateral damage and be bullied because none of you have enough spine to tell your mum to stay away?

you want an easy life and not to rock the boat with her, so in turn, she gets battered again and again

its awful

I second the low/no alcohol suggestion. Easier with spirits/mixers - ie for gin and tonic, just pour tonic with loads of ice then rub gin around the edge of the glass so she gets the taste of it. Not ideal I know but will help with avoiding confrontation.

Sorry, op, but she will continue to walk all over you because you allow it. She will get drunk, she will cause a scene, and she will embarrass you in front of your new neighbours. None of this needs to happen, and it won't unless you let it.

Don't invite her and tell her exactly why. You need to start being the adult.

All of this pandering creates a monster.

My aunt is like this, not with booze but her ego. She acts like a superstar and is desperate to be top dog.

I invite her to nothing. Everything is better without her. The family who carry in seeing her have nothing good to say.

It’s utterly draining.

Also an option is to make hers with an awful lot of ice and tonic, very little gin, and to be very slow in topping her up.

As others have said, though, you can also make clear if and when she steps out of line that that’s it, time for her to go for a lie-down or head home.

Other option is to let her start early on the doubles, aiming to have her heading off for a rest just as everyone else is arriving.