Is this rude?

[Ritascornershop]

My family is staying with me. They eat meat at every meal, I’m vegetarian. I said it’s fine that they cook meat (though the smell really bothers me but I act like it’s fine). Last night I made dinner for us with veggie “meat”. My son-in-law, who is a wonderful person, ate everything but the protein. And then went out and ordered a meat pizza.

He just doesn’t like the taste of fake meat (whereas I don’t eat meat for ethical reasons). I was taught to eat what’s in front of you. My mum was a terrible cook but I had to eat her food 3 times a day for 18 years. I’m a pretty good cook, I’ve taught cooking, took cooking classes for years, I have a real interest in it. Should he have eaten the whole curry?

I’m glad my daughter married him, just wondering if thinking on this has changed. I ate a lot of my mother-in-law’s good that I found pretty weird (crisps crumbled on top of spag bog was one) as I didn’t want to offend.

So you knew that he wasn't crazy about it but you still made him it then got upset when he didn't eat it?

If, like your son in law, I was ‘not crazy’ about it, I’d have eaten it. Making a meal for others is an act of generosity, and I’d behave accordingly. We’re in the minority, OP!

I mention he eats junk food as a lot of people were “ew, processed fake meat”. He does not have a problem w processed.

And yes, yes I do think anyone’s ethical/religious beliefs around food trump taste preference. This does not make him gag, he just doesn’t care for it. Mind you, now I know that it’s perfectly acceptable to not eat food you don’t like, that’s fine. I haven’t kept up with changing mores there. But it’s still not the same as expecting a vegetarian or Muslim or Jew to eat pork, expect a Hindu to eat beef etc. Obviously.

Obviously a taste preference is not the same thing as believing, frankly, that killing animals is wrong. They can eat all the meat they want, it’s a cultural norm, but to equate someone not fancying an element of a dish with a strongly held ethical belief is silly.

Lots of people don't eat soy because of the environmental problems with it. Lots of people become ill eating fake meat. How strongly does he need to not want to eat it before his preferrence is as valid as yours?

And what I was getting at is that people are getting distracted from the point: should we eat the food people cook for us?

But you don't do that either. I don't think you should- it would be bonkers to expect a vegie to eat meat out of 'politeness'. I just think you should be equally tolerent of your SiL's dietary choices and not expect him to eat what he's given like a child.

@Noglassjustthebottleandastraw of course not 🙄 She told me after I’d made the food.

Thanks @Onlywomengivebirth mumsnet exhausts me sometimes. People can be quite rude. I was puzzled, as it’s different to how I was raised, and only wanted to see if I should update how I think on leaving food. And I now know that most people think it’s okay, so with regard to him there’s no issue.

I can see I’m in the minority here but I think it’s very rude of him to order a pizza in these circumstances. He ate the rest of the curry (did you have naan or rice with it?) surely that’s enough food without then having to eat a whole meat pizza as well? I would take it as making a point about the whole meat thing rather than him genuinely being hungry for more food.

I am 67 and have never been made to eat what i didn't like except at school where they tried to and failed. I have never done it for manners either although I try and make my refusal tactful. I think if the smell of meat bothers you then that's understandable but I would have said from the start that the house is vegetarian (if it is...what does your partner eat?) and therefore no meat. If they want meat they can eat out or stay elsewhere....but sorry, tofu is the work of the devil.

But "he's not crazy about it" might be a tactful way of saying to you "he hates it"

Seems fair enough to me. Adults shouldn't have to force down food they dislike. And he's a family member staying with you - he should be able to treat your house like his home. I would be very put out if my of my DCs partners felt obliged to stand on ceremony in my house.

Definitely this. I know my in laws would be mortified to think I’d forced down food I don’t like just to be polite. They live abroad so we stay with them for fairly long periods and if they’re cooking they’ll always check for preferences etc beforehand.

If I was vegetarian and had meat eating guests, then I’d check before I started cooking the meal if they were ok with the food.

I think, as the host, your priority should be your guests feeling full and comfortable. I’d much rather someone ordered a takeaway to my house than choke down food they hated while pretending to like it.

Sorry that you were brought up that you had to eat what you were served even if you hated it. I wasn’t brought up like that and it isn’t something I’d do to anyone.

You've never heard of people being raise differently before? It puzzles you that not everybody was made to choke back food that they hated? You would rather someone forced back your food, thinking about how horrible it is rather than eat around what they don't like and you think that's normal and would have preferred that he did that. Sometimes how we are raised is not always the best way.

Not RTFT but if you've not already said, what would you do if someone cooked you meat curry?
In my experience I usually send a courteous text about dinner being X and does that suit everyone as sone people don't like curry, rice, curry bases etc and vegetarian meat is 🤢🤮

When my friends who are vegetarian/vegan come for dinner, I cater accordingly, because I'm not a dick. Why is this not expected etiquette in return? I respect their wish to not eat animal products as an ethical stance, and actually wouldn't expect them to buy/cook it for me for that reason, however, if I want to buy and eat it myself it's none of their business.

The hyperbole here is quite something today.

If you have guests then I think it is polite to feed them food they like. Pretty sure you would leave meat if someone cooked it for you. What was he supposed to do go hungry?

Of course I didn’t know he didn’t like fake meat! I wouldn’t have purposefully made anyone food I knew they didn’t like

I find it hard to believe you didn't know fake meat is a "marmite" food and not universally loved. I'm a vegetarian and think it's disgusting.

OP I posted early on and can see this has turned into quite some debate! Saw your updates and pleased to read you’re not festering on it and just chalking this one up 👍

Thanks @SlowHorses for sure! Live and learn :)

What I would say though @Ritascornershop if you're not comfortable with the smell of meat, you're fine to ask them not to cook it. If they were vegetarian for a couple of months then I'm sure they can live without it for a few days.

@rookiemere they’re here for weeks due to an unfortunate series of events beyond their control and I wanted to be nice. I’d forgotten how horrible I find the smell of beef when it’s being cooked and the kitchen windows are painted shut so I tactfully retreat to the other floor for a bit when they’re cooking till the smell dissipates somewhat. I don’t want to add to their stress by saying “sorry, the smell is actually too much”.

It’s not a judgement to say “is this the norm now"

Oh come on, OP, your posts are absolutely giving off a judgy air of 'People ate what they were given back in my day, none of this fussy, snowflake nonsense!'.

It's pointless to ask if it's the norm imo. People vary in their willingness to eat things they dislike, because...well... people vary. But yes, imo, it's more common than it once was to have food preferences and to expect them to be enquired about and respected. Then again, it's no doubt also more common now to be vegetarian or vegan and to impose that on your non-vegetarian/vegan guests.

I'd have eaten it, but disliked it. I'll eat almost anything (and will very happily eat vegetarian), but when it comes to fake meat, quorn and tofu - I'm really not a fan.

Not RTFT but if you've not already said, what would you do if someone cooked you meat curry?

If you had RTFT, you’d have seen that several people have pointed out that this is not a fair comparison. I’m not saying the OP’s son-in-law should have forced himself to eat the tofu, but unless he has an ethical objection to the slaughter of soy beans, it isn’t in any way the same as expecting a vegetarian to eat meat.

Sorry you had so many years of miserable meals. Don't impose it on anyone else! Noone should be forced to eat what's in front of them. That's just controlling. The poor guy obviously tried hard to be polite and eat it, and then ordered out so he'd enjoy his food.