Is this rude?

[Ritascornershop]

My family is staying with me. They eat meat at every meal, I’m vegetarian. I said it’s fine that they cook meat (though the smell really bothers me but I act like it’s fine). Last night I made dinner for us with veggie “meat”. My son-in-law, who is a wonderful person, ate everything but the protein. And then went out and ordered a meat pizza.

He just doesn’t like the taste of fake meat (whereas I don’t eat meat for ethical reasons). I was taught to eat what’s in front of you. My mum was a terrible cook but I had to eat her food 3 times a day for 18 years. I’m a pretty good cook, I’ve taught cooking, took cooking classes for years, I have a real interest in it. Should he have eaten the whole curry?

I’m glad my daughter married him, just wondering if thinking on this has changed. I ate a lot of my mother-in-law’s good that I found pretty weird (crisps crumbled on top of spag bog was one) as I didn’t want to offend.

The reason why he doesn't like it is totally irrelevant.

You didn't check what he liked before cooking and that's rude.

Fake meat is disgusting and I just can't eat it. It's the equivalent of expecting a vegetarian to eat a meat curry.

If I knew that I had served inappropriate food for my guest, I'd have been happy for him to order a pizza so that he wasn't hungry.

I would always check that what I was intending to cook was ok with everyone...in fact I usually do with my own children who are 14 and 16 as I would much rather cook something everyone will eat then throw most of it away.

I also think 'meat replacement' products are a bit more out of the ordinary if you are not a vegetarian and therefore more of a chance it will not be to everyone's taste so I wouldn't cook something like that for someone else without checking first.

Did he apologise when he left the food or explain that he didn't like it?

I do actually think ordering a pizza to your house was a little rude though. If he was that hungry, he could have popped out to get something so that it was less obvious. That's probably what i'd have done.

I know it doesn’t make him gag as my daughter said “he’s not crazy about it” & also they tried being veggie for a few
months but “he missed meat”. It’s not a big deal, I just wondered if this is the norm now. Anyhoo!

But continually saying about 'the norm now' puts such a judgement on things.

Yes, it's the norm to be sensible and accept some people don't like some things rather than having notions that forcing them to eat what they don't like is somehow polite and the only way it's acceptable to behave.

Not rude. You have imposed your dietary lifestyle on him. He probably ate what he could to not be rude, and then felt hungry after.

It’s not a judgement to say “is this the norm now” 😕 Norms change, if they didn’t we’d still be functioning under what was polite in pre-Roman Britain! My parents, for example, never used the word pregnant as they thought it was too graphic. That was their norm. Now that’s not anything anyone would entertain for a second. We’re always changing as a society.

I think there is something of a contradiction in your attitudes here. You feel that this is just a normal family situation and ‘just life’ - yet you still expect him to be on his best behaviour and eat whatever is put in front of him, like a child invited to tea for the first time. If family staying are just meant to treat the place like home, was it that bad that he ordered a pizza? I personally wouldn’t have done that, and I initially agreed with you that this part was rude - but maybe you’re sending mixed messages?

Similarly, you state that you’re not a restaurant, and as such don’t feel like you have to check if people will like what you’re cooking. But then in another post you say you cooked to give them a break from cooking for themselves. If that’s why you were doing it, wouldn’t a quick ‘I thought I might make my tofu curry tonight; does that suit everyone?’ have prevented the whole issue?

I agree but this is at odds with how you've come across in this thread, you don't seem to like the fact there's a new normal!

Being a veggie for a few months doesn't mean you eat fake meat.
It's maybe something you're not aware of as a long time vegetarian, but it is something people have strong feelings about.
I'm happy to eat vegetarian food but fake meat or fake cheese I find horrible.

Fake meat is fairly niche and i would always expect someone to check before serving something quite unusual to someone. I won’t touch the stuff as it’s so processed and stayed with vegan family members and starved for a week because they’re determined to show me “I won’t miss meat”. I’ll now be ordering a pizza - seems like a sensible option. You cooked something he didn’t like, he could’ve gone hungry or sorted himself out- he sorted himself out.

Fake meat is disgusting and I just can't eat it. It's the equivalent of expecting a vegetarian to eat a meat curry.

I also don’t like fake meat, despite being vegetarian - but that’s really not a fair comparison and frankly, it’s offensive.

Was it quorn? Quorn is the nastiest food known to man. I'd rather starve than eat it. So on that basis YABU.

I don’t think it’s rude, why should anyone force themselves to eat something they dislike just to avoid upsetting the host, the whole “you eat what you’re given” is very old fashioned.

I wondered if it was a new norm so I’d know to adjust my ideas. Ideas are adjusted! It doesn’t mean I’ll go to someone’s house and not eat what they’ve made (unless it’s meat) as it’s not comfortable for me to do that, but it does mean I now know that in 2022 it’s okay to leave food you don’t like. Also that a lot of people on here have very strong feelings about fake meat! I quite like it once a week or so, so it didn’t occur to me that people were so appalled by it. And as he eats a lot of junk food I figured (wrongly) that he’d be happy with anything.

It was not quorn, I don’t fancy that stuff myself. It’s soya as the main ingredient.

I think some people are getting a bit tangled up on the specifics of the protein. I didn’t want to lie about it, but if I’d said I cooked chicken curry and he dislikes chicken but loves beef, pork, lamb, and fake meat, then some of the anti-fake meat sentiment wouldn’t weigh in.

That's exactly the same situation. Nobody normal would make someone who (for example) only eats chick and fish have a steak. Many (most?) people find a lot of fake meat awful.

Do you eat meat if someone has cooked it for you, OP? If so I can understand why you think he should do the same but that really isn't usual.

I’ll go to someone’s house and not eat what they’ve made (unless it’s meat)

I cross posted with this. Personally, I find it deeply odd that you wouldn't eat meat that he cooked but expect him to eat soyameat that you cooked.

I know a lot of MN vegans feel the same, and get very angry about people disliking vegan food, but I think life would be much easier with a little tolerence.

@donquixotedelamancha I think you’re being disingenuous. Obviously a taste preference is not the same thing as believing, frankly, that killing animals is wrong. They can eat all the meat they want, it’s a cultural norm, but to equate someone not fancying an element of a dish with a strongly held ethical belief is silly.

And what I was getting at is that people are getting distracted from the point: should we eat the food people cook for us? The point is not “ew, fake meat! I hate vegetarians and sandals and macrame”.

Surely it’s the same as you feeling uncomfortable eating meat? I couldn’t eat somethign I dislike as it would make me feel ill, I don’t eat fish at all, I think it’s disgusting, if someone served me a plate of seafood/salmon/cod etc I wouldn’t be able to touch it! Im sure I’d definitely offend the host but I’m not making myself ill and uncomfortable to spare their feelings.

It’s not remotely the same thing. I’m truly surprised anyone thinks it is. It’s not a fad I’m going through, it’s been decades of an ethical belief. Would you equate a Muslim not eating pork with your dad not liking pudding?

Your moral choice doesn't trump someone else's food preference.

You don't have to eat it because, you know ethics, but he has to eat horrible tofu to be polite?

What I’m saying is why is someones dislike for something ok to ignore? Why is it any less important than your moral beliefs?
My children have sensory issues, my daughter will actually vomit if she is forced to eat something she can’t bare, it could be due to the flavour or the texture but it’s makes her physically sick.
Why should she be expected to eat what she is given?
I’m saying this as someone who was a Vegetarian for years, unfortunately I had to incorporate meat protein into my diet because of intolerances and allergies, otherwise I would have ended up hospitalised.

The fundamental problem is you believe your food preference should be respected but someone else’s shouldn’t. Surely you should respect their preference in the same way you want yours respected?
you sound like a bit of a snob, you seem to think because he eats fish fingers or frozen food then he should have to eat whatever else is put in front of him.

I'm veggie and a big fan of Quorn type substitutes, but my partner would turn his nose up at them too. He'd quite happily eat a vegetable curry or lentil moussaka though, it's the meat subs he has a problem with. I'd just tell him what's for tea, and offer to sling him a pizza in the oven if he'd prefer.