Is this rude?

[Ritascornershop]

My family is staying with me. They eat meat at every meal, I’m vegetarian. I said it’s fine that they cook meat (though the smell really bothers me but I act like it’s fine). Last night I made dinner for us with veggie “meat”. My son-in-law, who is a wonderful person, ate everything but the protein. And then went out and ordered a meat pizza.

He just doesn’t like the taste of fake meat (whereas I don’t eat meat for ethical reasons). I was taught to eat what’s in front of you. My mum was a terrible cook but I had to eat her food 3 times a day for 18 years. I’m a pretty good cook, I’ve taught cooking, took cooking classes for years, I have a real interest in it. Should he have eaten the whole curry?

I’m glad my daughter married him, just wondering if thinking on this has changed. I ate a lot of my mother-in-law’s good that I found pretty weird (crisps crumbled on top of spag bog was one) as I didn’t want to offend.

He's your SIL, he's family, he's not a guest on best behaviour - or shouldn't be. So no, I don't think it was that rude ordering a pizza if he was still starving, did you offer to make him something else?

It's also a lot about how you were raised. I wasn't raised to clear my plate. I was allowed to leave food I didn't like if I had tried it, and I wasn't forced to stuff myself silly, if I was full, that was fine. (We didn't really do the whole pudding thing..)

I was taught to eat what I was served (90s kid). But I don't eat quorn, it makes me v sick, I don't like any fish, pork or tofu. I would have eat around those things. Which it sounds like he did.

Maybe a nice way to look at it was that he is comfortable in your home and felt he could order a pizza later without being judged? Instead of feeling too embarrassed and going to bed hungry.

I'm probably older than a lot on here and I don't expect people to eat something they hate, because it turns a pleasant occasion into anything but!

None of my friends who also grew up this way developed eating disorders and neither did I.

You have got some weird food issues though. I honestly cannot see why one adult would want another to eat tofu curry, knowing they dislike it, instead of just arranging and eating something else they did like. The purpose of social etiquette is to make everyone feel comfortable, it’s not to take turns at making people endure discomfort. I’d be mortified to think a guest in my home had forced down a disliked tofu curry, or not done so and honestly hungry, for the sake of not offending me.

I can't eat tofu or Quorn both give me an unbearably upset stomach, I'd happily eat a veggie curry or lentils/chickpeas etc. I wouldn't have eaten your tofu but would've eaten around it. I wouldn't have ordered a pizza to avoid being rude, but I would've been hungry having not been able to eat dinner. I think fake anything is best to avoid. My PIL are mainly veggie and occasional. Pescatarians , I eat the food they cook even though it isn't very nice eg a veggie chilli that was a tin of kidney beans large diced onion, chilli powder and a tin of tomatoes earned through for about five minutes. It won't make me ill so I just eat it. I also cook for their needs when they visit us which is an interesting concept, when they cook to their needs when we visit.

You can't be that into food if you used processed soya instead of meat. Would he have eaten it if it had been chickpeas? I really don't understand how you can say you are good cook if you do this. There are so many great vegetarian curries out there, there is no excuse. If they eat meat at every meal, you still aren't giving them meat if you give them a processed substitute. You are totally unreasonable to think he should have eaten the protein.

A blanket ban on fake meat seems a bit small minded. There's such a variety. Veggie bacon is a travesty. Quorn 'chicken' nuggets have become the favourite in our house despite non of us being veggie - much nicer than most of the real ones.

Maybe a bit rude but there’s no need for fake meat, just use vegetables

It's still good manners to make sure people are happy to eat the meal you're preparing though. I mean, why would you want to waste your time cooking something they dislike?

I suppose it's just a different kind of situation to normal. You have a very different diet to what he likes, I wouldn't take it too personally.

A sandwich is still a lot less food than even the smallest take away pizza. Also making a sandwich or toast means using the hosts food and facilities. I think it draws more attention, especially if they make a sandwich and are stil hungry so have to go back and ask again if it's ok to make themselves more food.

I wish I could edit the original post as I know people
can’t always read the whole thread, but I did NOT make the food knowing he disliked it. That would be bizarre. I thought he’d get on more with fake meat (they’re soft “meat”balls that soak up the sauce so taste like whatever the sauce is) than chickpeas or dahl.

Sometimes people are so weird about non-meat or non-dairy things that they can't even bear to try them. However this is very rude behaviour.

Please remember that meat is addictive (it produces the same chemicals in the brain as heroin) so he probably feels that a meal isn't complete without getting his 'hit'.

Maybe talk to him/ your daughter about your expectations when they're at your house.

I wouldn't eat fake meat either but I'm 35 and was raised in an asian household where you ate what was infront of you or the alternative was toast. My mil's food is bland she knows I think it is bland but that is how she likes it. I will eat at her home but small amounts as I don't enjoy it. I wouldn't order a pizza if I was staying over, I would however retreat to my room at some point and scoff snacks. In my opinion he was rude.

A sandwich is still a lot less food than even the smallest take away pizza. Also making a sandwich or toast means using the hosts food and facilities. I think it draws more attention, especially if they make a sandwich and are stil hungry so have to go back and ask again if it's ok to make themselves more food.

Yes but it is still plenty of food to fend off hunger, regardless of whether it is less than a pizza.

I'm imaging the situation playing out in my parents household. My DP would ask me if I could help him make a sandwich (since I know where everything is and used to live there) and I would say "do you mind if I make DP a sandwich, he's a bit peckish". My parents would think little of that, and in my opinion it would draw less attention than ordering a takeaway.

It is a bit rude. As a vegetarian in my teens I was told it was incredibly rude to request a different meal and just to eat the parts that weren't meat. I think getting a pizza was a bit off. Presumably there were other parts of the meal and he could have had extra rice or noodles.

I’d be mortified if I found out someone had forced down food they don’t like just so that they didn’t offend me.

And if he’d have eaten it, you’d have assumed he liked, and cooked it again. Far better to be honest.

No he isn't rude. You haven't provided food he will eat. So he provided his own

YANBU. I'm a veggie but my husband isn't and we manage because he's a sensible meat-eater and realises that he won't die if he doesn't eat meat twice a day. Human's don't need to eat meat every day from a nutritional point of view. Yes, he prefers meat but he knows it's better for everyone (including the fact that we can share a meal!) to go meatless a few days a week.

It's surely just conditioning that meat and 2 veg = a proper meal?

Even as a veggie, I would argue that people really just need to cut down on meat consumption and be prepared to pay a lot more for it (an animal's life is sold way too cheaply at the moment) and then welfare etc for these poor creatures could be improved. Older relatives remember when a chicken was a treat - in the way a joint of beef is now - and perhaps it still should be!

I don't blame him, sounds disgusting🙁I'd have wanted a pizza too!

I think you’ve misunderstood the issue.
The SIL didn’t have an issue with the meal being vegetarian. He just didn’t like the fake meat in the curry, so he left it. I don’t like it either, so would have done the same. I am unwilling to force down food that I really dislike.
Obviously as he then didn’t have enough to eat, he ordered himself a pizza so that he wasn’t hungry.
He wasn’t expecting meat to be served, he just didn’t like the tofu based alternative.

YABU to have the attitude that your SIL should eat what is put in front of him. He is not a child.

He would have been rude if he made snide, sarcastic comments about the fake meat. Assuming he was polite in saying that he did not like it, I do not see what you are upset about. It's not as though he was implying that your cooking was bad. He just does not like fake meat, so he got himself something with a bit of meat in it.

And if he’s there for a long visit, far better that he feels comfortable enough to sort himself out with food if he needs to.