To be upset my 3 year old is like my DH.

[Sheesh89]

I feel terrible asking this.

I have 2DS. One is 3 years old. The other is 18 months. Everyone says the older one is like my DH and the younger one is like me. Looks, temperament, everything. Both sets of our parents are always saying they are just like you when you were small.

Problem is my DH is a very difficult man at times. He's highly sensitive, very anxious, easy to take offence. He's lots of other good things but I've thought about leaving a lot.

Apparently when DH was small, my MIL used to be scared of him. She said he banged his head, tantrums in public, hit her. My MIL now worships my DH and never sticks up for herself and I very stupidly presumed my DH behaviour as a child (and as an adult) was due to some bad parenting (over anxious, never say no, the boy can do no wrong) very judgmental of me

And now I have exactly the same with DS. He hits me 10 times a day. He never does it at nursery or to other kids, just me. He screams all the time. He's so incredibly anxious. Constantly clings to me like a baby. Wants me to himself all the time. He's terrified of going to bed. He cries if his toast is cracked. Last night he woke up crying and I went into see him and he slapped me right across the face and then hugged me so tightly I could barely breathe. That just about sums our relationship up.

My DH is the first to admit he finds life difficult. Struggles in social situations. Struggles to not get very stressed over tiny things

Am I awful to think my DS is destined to be the same? My DH is loving, creative but I wouldn't say is a particularly happy man. I so want my DS to grow up happier in his own skin, more confident, and doesn't take out his insecurity on people (like my DH does)

Is this kind of thing hereditary? My MIL still walks on egg shells with my DH now. And I hate it. How do I stop history repeating itself? Or am I just being way too judgmental of a 3 year old???

He's only 3 years old....

He’s 3, this is quite common. Also people tend to look for things in adults and then attribute it to a baby. For example, if you put your baby with two random adults, people would say, ‘oh he looks just like the father/mother etc’. Grandparents are the worst for doing this (albeit they’re not doing in intentionally). Be careful of making this a self-filling prophecy. Just treat them both as individuals, not reincarnations of their parents/grandparents.

OP,
Others will have better advice but the only thing I will suggest is that you do not tolerate being hit by your child.

I would deal with this in the firmest way possible.

Absolutely zero tolerance.

Hold his arms back from you.
Say No, we don't hit.
remove him from the space.
Every single time.
Stop going to places with him if he does this.
Stick to walks only until he understands he is not allowed to hit.

Time out.
No screen time.
No TV.
No treats whatsoever.
Going to his room.

Your husband sounds like very hard work and no doubt his mother walking on eggshells has contributed.

Do not tolerate this from your 3 year old as god knows what he will be like at 13.

Remaining calm, firm and consistent is the key.

It sounds very hard.

No child would be clinging to me after slapping me across the face.
It just wouldn't happen.
Others may say different but I would not tolerate it.

@billy1966 I do try that. I read him books about no hitting and he quite happily tells me that hands aren't for hitting etc. But then the moment he gets annoyed he goes for me. I usually tell him no and then walk away and then he wails and cries and runs towards me saying "cuddle please cuddle" and then clings me to whimpering all panicked. He's literally shaking. It's so overwhelming. I've been in abusive relationships in the past and it feels the same but I know that's ridiculous. I've spent a lot of my life dealing with sensitive, unhappy men and it's really hard to separate my son from that dynamic. I know he's only 3.

I'm not going to patronise you by dismissing your fears as I am further down the line than you, my DS1, the difficult child who led me to discover Mumsnet when googling for answers is 23 now and still not always easy to live with, i often think to myself any future partner is going to have a difficult time.
He did grow out of hitting though.
It turns out our family genetics involve nuerodiversity traits that DH and i didnt really notice when we got together (normal for us) and our three children have a mix of ADD and or ASD. I personally think DS1 has ASD as well as ADHD but he's only diagnosed with the latter.
Im sure many people think i am over involved and pander to him but I'm the only one who has taken the time to really try to understand him and therefore I have ended up being the person who provides his scaffolding and I am the person he feels safe to be upset with. It has taken its toll on me, emotionally draining and resentment about others not understanding or judging my parenting.
He had awhat we call a "broken biscuit" moment yesterday, he's doing college exams and is stressed.
Things I wish I hadn't wasted time with are the standard discipline things like naughty steps and reward charts, they do NOT work with ND or highly sensitive children and just cause more issues.
Wish I had looked for help earlier, i did a bit but kept being told he would grow out of things (and he behaved at school which reassured everyone exceot me). Going to work back later.

It sounds really hard.

All I can tell you is that I would find being hit 100% unacceptable from a 3 year old and there is no way he would be getting cuddles afterwards, no matter how much screaming and demanding he did.

I just couldn't accept that.

Others will hopefully give you better advice.

But IMO giving cuddles afterwards is telling him it is ok.

It really isn't ok.
He isn't going to stop if he thinks you will cuddle him after being hurt.

I have 4 children and I love them to bits.
I never ever felt that I had to accept being being hit to be a part of that.

You are entitled to not accept being hit by your child.

I'm sorry I don't have any better suggestion other than put him away from you immediately and so what if he screams the house down.

"No, you hit mummy. Mummy doesn't want to cuddle you when you hit her. Hitting is very unkind."

On a loop.

If you have been in abusive relationships, this must be particularly awful for you.

I haven't.

But I would find being hit 10 times a day by a child 100% unacceptable.

I've read a lot online which says toddlers only hit because they can't handle their "big emotions" and mums get hit because the toddler feels safest and can lash out and knows you aren't going anywhere...

Well. Doesn't feel v good. And I think I'm doing a terrible job and showing compassion feels like accepting this behaviour.

It maybe that your DH has ADHD or similar .This tends to run in families .Years ago of course these things were not very commonly known about .May need to get checks to see ?

I think you will find that it is more likely some kind of SEN, either Autsim or ADHD and that both tour DH and your DS have it.

Absolutely agree OP.

And again with this.
Sorry as this is almost spamming but OP Please be resolute in this.

Thank you @Wbeezer A health visitor say a DS meltdown in full swing once and recommended seeing a GP about an autism diagnosis. Cant take DH to take it seriously. I had always thought DH struggled with things but I think he is probably neurodivegent too.

But my mother would tell me to stop being silly and its all quite simple...my husband can be a right arsehole because he's been pandered to his whole life and now my kid is going the same way.

May well be true OP.

But I simply wouldn't accept being hit.

I would take the accusation of lacking compassion.

I am not a punching bag for any child.

Maybe some children grow out of it having belted those around them with out correction, but I certainly wouldn't be taking the chance.

I had a zero tolerance to hitting in this house from the beginning.

I don't believe in allowing rough play where somehow one child seems to come out hurt a lot.

It's not nice to be hit.
It really is just that for me.

Parents are allowed to have feelings.
Why should you pretend it's ok?
Why should you show him the reward for giving mummy a slap across the face is cuddles.

OP, I am only giving my own anonymous opinion, but I would not be tolerating it and I wouldn't be apologising for it either.

You have every right to feel safe from being slapped in your own home.

Try what billy1966 is saying at least once today OP. No matter how much he cries. Just the once.

I'd be following up on the HVs suggestion, with or without your husbands support.

My advice would be to find out sooner rather than later. There are different parenting techniques for ND children and using typical ones can really make you feel like you and your child are failing.

How awful that your husband is an arsehole.

Sort out contraception for a start!

Go to your GP and see what tests can be done.

Be honest, you are rightly struggling.

Who cares if your husband supports and agrees with you.

Do what you think is best for you.

Do you work?

Because I hope you do.

Living with an arsehol sounds very hard.

I’ve been where you are and it’s hard. My DS is now nearly ten years old and diagnosed with autism. Since he received his diagnosis everything has been so much better.

billy1966’s advice may be fine for neuro-typical children but won’t help if he does have ASD and may make everything worse as he will be struggling to control his emotions.

This book is really helpful and made quite a difference for us.

www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/184812614X/ref=mp_s_a_1_2_sspa?crid=1BRMLYCGE1R05&keywords=how+to+talk+so+little+kids+will+listen&qid=1653382421&sprefix=how+to+talk%2Caps%2C63&sr=8-2-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyV1JVTE9RUUc1TEE2JmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwNjY2NTQ4MzQ3S0xXQ1kyTjAwVSZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwNzc4MTE3SzlINlNYNzhIOVRZJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfcGhvbmVfc2VhcmNoX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=

I agree with PPs posters about a zero tolerance on hitting. And we're just going through this now with an almost 3 year old DS. Also agree with PPs that ruling out any additional factors like the HV suggested makes sense.

The only way in which I disagree with PPs is that I do think it's important to get to the root of the hitting, not just punish it to make it stop.

Your DS could have learnt that hitting gets reassurance and cuddles. Initially he'll potentially have been hitting out instinctively when overwhelmed but now it could have become hitting to trigger reassurance and comfort. That link would need to be broken - he needs to name the feelings and ask for comfort in an acceptable way. But you'd need to help him to do that. Longer term he should hopefully grow up being more able to articulate how he's feeling and ask for what he needs rather than potentially bottling it all up.

Either way, like I said we're at the beginning of this with our DS so take my advice with a pinch of salt. I'm definitely 0 tolerance on hitting, after all we wouldn't dream of hitting him or accepting people hitting us. I just think there's always something that triggers it, and figuring that out and giving kids to tools to resolve it correctly is likely to be more effective in the long run.

I agree, 100%, and this is exactly how I parented. Hitting is totally unacceptable, and immediate cuddles is sending very mixed messages.

Get him assessed. Sounds like both your husband and your son are ND.

Just wanted to add I'm currently reading "The book you wish your parents had read" by Philippa Perry

My husband is reading "How to talk so little kids will listen"

And I've got "The whole brained child" ready to go next.

The all come highly recommended.

@billy1966 maybe arsehole is a bit strong. For example this morning I told him about me being slapped at 2am by DS and how it made me cry and I couldn't go back to sleep until 3.30am. DH says nothing. I push him for a response and he says "I don't know what you want me to say". I actually don't think he does not know what to say. The guy can barely write a text message

I do work. I'm the main earner and handle all the bills etc. DH is too anxious to deal with money.

It's possible it is Sen largely based on your description of dh. You need to look for triggers to try to stop the behaviour so what's causing it. And there may b lots of things. See which of them you can get rid of with simple changes so for example getting dressed do it slowly, let him have distraction ie tv , breaks between each item. Or if he struggles with queues avoid busy places. Would advance notice help? such as a visual time table. Basically try to reduce behaviours as much as possible to then try to support him, the less overwhelmed he feels the more likely he will tolerate minor things. I would also let the minor things go behaviours wise for now until things are in a better place. With the hiting if it's part of a meltdown I would not try to discipline, meltdowns are frightening for children and they can not help them. You need to figure out if you are a comfort in the meltdown or not. If you are then stay but try to direct the hits else where. (Pillow, settee, bed) if you feel he's better alone then step away and give him time to regulate. And absolutely cuddle him after this afternoon I'll help calm him. If he's hitting as a reaction then I would do a time out 3 minutes, keep conversation limited 'no' or 'don't hit' either stay with him for time out or alone which ever works best for him. What's communication like? always encourage him to use his words. Try to have energy burners around trampoline, egg chair, balls, climbing frame. Find things that calm him and use them when he or you need them. Behaviours at nursery etc could be masking which is why he struggles more at home as it's his safe place. I would go to gp for paediatrician referral, early diagnosis makings a massive difference if it is anything Sen . It's not a quick process, it can be months for paed appointment and then upto a couple of years on pathway. But if it is anything it's better to know so you can make sure your supporting him in the right way and if any support is needed in school.