To be upset my 3 year old is like my DH.

[Sheesh89]

I feel terrible asking this.

I have 2DS. One is 3 years old. The other is 18 months. Everyone says the older one is like my DH and the younger one is like me. Looks, temperament, everything. Both sets of our parents are always saying they are just like you when you were small.

Problem is my DH is a very difficult man at times. He's highly sensitive, very anxious, easy to take offence. He's lots of other good things but I've thought about leaving a lot.

Apparently when DH was small, my MIL used to be scared of him. She said he banged his head, tantrums in public, hit her. My MIL now worships my DH and never sticks up for herself and I very stupidly presumed my DH behaviour as a child (and as an adult) was due to some bad parenting (over anxious, never say no, the boy can do no wrong) very judgmental of me

And now I have exactly the same with DS. He hits me 10 times a day. He never does it at nursery or to other kids, just me. He screams all the time. He's so incredibly anxious. Constantly clings to me like a baby. Wants me to himself all the time. He's terrified of going to bed. He cries if his toast is cracked. Last night he woke up crying and I went into see him and he slapped me right across the face and then hugged me so tightly I could barely breathe. That just about sums our relationship up.

My DH is the first to admit he finds life difficult. Struggles in social situations. Struggles to not get very stressed over tiny things

Am I awful to think my DS is destined to be the same? My DH is loving, creative but I wouldn't say is a particularly happy man. I so want my DS to grow up happier in his own skin, more confident, and doesn't take out his insecurity on people (like my DH does)

Is this kind of thing hereditary? My MIL still walks on egg shells with my DH now. And I hate it. How do I stop history repeating itself? Or am I just being way too judgmental of a 3 year old???

Bloody hell what a depressing thread. Some of the advice may be ok for someone of PNT but no wonder autistic kids end up with PTSD. @Sheesh89 I would recommend Luke Beardon’s book Avoiding Anxiety in Autistic Children. He says that we need to manage the environment first to prevent autistic kids developing traumatic anxiety. There are loads of positive resources available but you will also hear lots of people chipping in with how you need to discipline your child. Please ignore them as it’s unlikely they will know what they are talking about. Luke Beardon states that autistic people are some of our most fragile and precious humans and therefore need to be treated by experts. It sounds like you have made a fantastic start with praising your son.

if you do opt for a private assessment, make sure it meets NICE Guidelines and is completed by an MDT.

Absolutely this.

That book looks great and just what I've been looking for. Thank you for the recommendation. (I know it wasn't for me obviously! But am reading thread with interest.)

Great start for your son, OP

Anyone who is neurodivergent will mask to some degree, and that's probably what he is doing at nursery. He's just adapting to his environment. When he is home and knows he is safe with you, he can unleash all his frustrations. Lots of feelings have all built up and then he just explodes. Of course a 3 year old can only explain so much anyhow, even neurotypical but I wanted to add a bit of perspective to what was going on.

OP this really jumped out at me . I came home tonight after work and I was so so positive with him and praised every good thing he did even if so minor...taking off his own socks for example...like really OTT praise and we got through whole evening and bedtime with no hitting at all. He fell asleep happy

Our DS 6 was a dream at 3 so a different character, but we’ve had issues with violence and other dysregulated behaviour with him from age 4 onwards basically. The interactions with him that I wholeheartedly regret are the ones where I denied hugs or was ‘firm’. He absolutely thrives on praise, affection, connection. He is such a joy when he feels genuine, unconditional love AND like from us. Every time we double down on love bombing him we see massive improvements in behaviour.

Incidentally I’ve never found it remotely scary being hit by him. It just breaks my heart because I know how little he wants to hurt me, really. It’s scary for him, not for me.

You might like the daily emails from Aha parenting, really good strategies to use including for violence.

Feeling so determined to make things better and access all the support we can. This evening was so much better. DH still being an utterly miserable sod though.

Thank you @billy1966 😊

Yes. This is so helpful. I do praise him a lot usually but I think I could be more OTT and love bomb him as you say. When he went to bed I told him how brilliant he was again and again and he was smiling from ear to ear and he went to bed without a word of complaint.

This all sounds really good op (apart from your waste of space DH!)

DH still being an utterly miserable sod though
I think that's at least part if your problem, especially with everything else you've said on your posts about him.

I came home tonight after work and I was so so positive with him and praised every good thing he did even if so minor...taking off his own socks for example...like really OTT praise and we got through whole evening and bedtime with no hitting at all. He fell asleep happy and I'm having a celebratory wine.

I think you are a great mum. He obviously thrives on your love, affection and support. I imagine it's difficult to balance two, especially with your DS1's needs taking up a lot of your time, but just be there for him as much as possible. And maybe try bigging him up as a big brother as much as you can to improve the bond between him and your DS2.

DH still being an utterly miserable sod though.

At the very least, I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband. Your children need a happy, secure environment. They don't need an anxious, irritable father who they have to walk on eggshells around. You and your husband might both be adults, but only one of you is behaving like an adult at the moment. And you need support too - you can't be there for everyone on your own the whole time. You will have nothing left to give if everyone (including your entire family) just takes from you the whole time.

For example, you're right to identify that DS2 needs your attention as well. In most families, parents would tag-team it and take the children individually. But if your DH is going to take it personally if DS1 rejects him, this won't work and will just make DS1 anxious - he's not going to want to leave his safe person for someone who is irritable and resentful. That's your DH's problem to solve, not DS1's - he's the adult. He needs to work out how he can spend happy time with DS1 and, if the trust isn't there, he needs to build it up. It can be something as small as getting down on the floor and building a duplo tower and just waiting for DS1 to join in until eventually it becomes something that they do together.

My child has asd and pda and absolutely was not interested in potty training until je was 3 and started at a preschool - he saw the little toilets and announced "I could use them!" And he did. Everything on his terms basically! Don't sweat it, when he's ready he will. 3 is still very much in the realms of normal in terms of being reliably toilet trained. There's a great phrase, I think from 'The explosive child book' - kids do well when they can I find this useful (sorry if already been mentioned). Not at all saying that your child has the same as my child BTW, my point is more not to stress the small stuff. You sound like an emotionally attuned mum which is exactly what he needs

Great post.

The OP is great but I also think the load she is carrying is totally ridiculous.

Your husband is really not sharing the load on any level and is actually making life harder for you.

Would life be easier without him will be a question you may have to ask yourself at some point.

I came across this on insta.
She us making tbe point other posters have made about emotions and not being able to regulate

www.instagram.com/reel/CdB4MfogNz0/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

@NameChange30 glad to be of help! If you join the Autistic Girls Network you will be able to watch Luke Beardon’s webinar at some point, they have said it will be posted there. I really found it useful. The other thing about being ND or the parent of a ND child, it can be really lonely at times so I have found joining support groups for Autism and PDA really informative and validating.

@billy1966 @ChocolateHippo

"you need to question whether life would be easier without DH at some point"

I think life without him would be much easier. But that doesn't feel like an option to me. He's going to be a far harder exH and will very much continue to be in my life. He's petty. He will make life hell and the DCs will suffer. I can't bear the thought of leaving DC with him for whole weekends.

If I LTB, I also LTB alone with my DC and I can't get my head round that. I feel like there are no good options.

I think you've answered your own question, I'm afraid.

You can't stay with someone because you don't want to leave them alone with your (joint) children. That's no way to live. It actually makes me shudder for you. Please don't live your life in this way. It's such a waste. You hold a lot of the cards (main earner etc.)... give your DC the happiness of having a happy, relaxed home and mum for the majority of the time.

Remember that some fathers really want to be involved in their children's lives and have 50/50 or EOW and contact in between. Many fathers who have previously been quite uninvolved do step up post-separation and become better parents because there's no one there to do it for them and they have find their own way. But many others start off demanding lots of contact (often just to get at the other parent) but gradually fade out as they can't cope with the realities of solo parenting. Your husband may be in this last category.

He does nothing for his children.

Men like him are all talk but inevitably don't want to be around children and they certainly don't want to be caring for them alone.

There is no rush OP.

Get legal advice and start quietly planning.

Keep a note of how little he does.

Talk to your GP.

Start accumulating money quietly.

By this I mean, is there anyone you could give weekly cash to that would keep it safe in their account/safe.

Years ago I kept cash in my safe for a woman I met through living abroad as an expat.

She had a big bully of a husband and he controlled their accounts, but of course she had cash to go out etc.

Over 6 months she gave me money, collected it all one day when she finally located her passport and flew back to the US without him, with enough to start again and get a lawyer etc.

Fortunately they didn't have children.

The most important thing is to make a plan.
The better the plan, the better the outcome.

Talk to Women's aid.
They will give sound advice.

Reach out to friends and family for support.

Keep posting here too if it helps.
We are here for you.

Don't rule out additional needs. Can be hereditary. Raise any concerns with health visitor/GP. In the meantime agree with PP to ensure you are being firm but fair with behaviour like hitting and have age appropriate consequences

This is good advice, especially making sure you have some money somewhere safe. Do you have a joint account?

@billy1966 @Cokehead @ChocolateHippo

Thank you for being so supportive.

We actually don't have a joint account. He transfers a bit of his salary to me and I make sure everything is paid.

An example of how I manage everything but he still somehow rules the roost would be today....I manage our energy account, its in my name, I call and try and find better deals, and I make sure its paid (all fine) but today he told me "next winter we will save money by you not touching the thermostat. Just ask me if you want it warmer".

But yes I could poss put money away somewhere safe.

He's a CF.

Like you need to consult him to turn up the heat and you paying the bills.

Good to hear your money is separate.

But having money not on the divorce radar is key.

Held in cash or in the account of a trusted friend, sister, etc.

An example of how I manage everything but he still somehow rules the roost would be today....I manage our energy account, its in my name, I call and try and find better deals, and I make sure its paid (all fine) but today he told me "next winter we will save money by you not touching the thermostat. Just ask me if you want it warmer".

This is really awful. Mean, controlling, patronising, arsehole. This really isn't a normal way for a couple to be, OP, and combined with what you've said about having to walk on eggshells and being scared to leave makes me think you might be being abused. Will you have a read about coercive control and see if it sounds familiar? Just because he's weak, doesn't mean he's not also abusive.

You work very, very hard. You earn most of the money and do most of the childcare by the sounds of it.

Why do you then have to put up with him and his narky comments, temper and negativity on top of everything else that is on your plate?

Young children take and take and take from us. We tolerate it and show them love and patience because it's a developmental stage - they aren't capable of seeing beyond their own needs and wants to any great degree. So we gently guide them to behave acceptably and consider the needs of others.

But what you have here is a man who, even as an adult, is incapable of considering anyone else's needs apart from his own. He is treating you like "Mummy". It's the sort of thing gobby teenagers do...carp and snipe at their exhausted parents who have been at work all day and come back to cook dinner and do chores. Even though it's their parents who are earning money, paying for everything, driving them around and generally facilitating their lives, it's still all about them. And tbh it sounds like your husband is like this too and he doesn't even have the excuses which teenagers do (puberty, hormones, awkward body clock etc.). Nor can you look forward to kicking him out in a few years time to learn responsibility in the real world, as he's clearly incentivised to stick around so long as you protect him from life and having to assume any real responsibility. And meanwhile you have three "children" to parent...two of whom, while there might be challenges, bring you great joy, and a third man-child who does the opposite... sucks the joy out of your life like a dementor.

I posted in parenting about my 3 year old a few weeks ago after a pretty bad hitting incident the had left me at a loss and someone recommended the book “raising Lions” and all I can say is it has been a game changer.

open.spotify.com/episode/6OxOrMgh5CebmIF3R0MI8D?si=HFFCOrU3RlaLiFlypdLTKg
Raising lions

Ds seems genuinely happier and more cooperative since I started trying a few of the techniques and boundary setting ideas from it. And I’m enjoying his company a lot more.

Some kids need more help than others to learn how to regulate and calm down from big emotions.