To be upset my 3 year old is like my DH.

[Sheesh89]

I feel terrible asking this.

I have 2DS. One is 3 years old. The other is 18 months. Everyone says the older one is like my DH and the younger one is like me. Looks, temperament, everything. Both sets of our parents are always saying they are just like you when you were small.

Problem is my DH is a very difficult man at times. He's highly sensitive, very anxious, easy to take offence. He's lots of other good things but I've thought about leaving a lot.

Apparently when DH was small, my MIL used to be scared of him. She said he banged his head, tantrums in public, hit her. My MIL now worships my DH and never sticks up for herself and I very stupidly presumed my DH behaviour as a child (and as an adult) was due to some bad parenting (over anxious, never say no, the boy can do no wrong) very judgmental of me

And now I have exactly the same with DS. He hits me 10 times a day. He never does it at nursery or to other kids, just me. He screams all the time. He's so incredibly anxious. Constantly clings to me like a baby. Wants me to himself all the time. He's terrified of going to bed. He cries if his toast is cracked. Last night he woke up crying and I went into see him and he slapped me right across the face and then hugged me so tightly I could barely breathe. That just about sums our relationship up.

My DH is the first to admit he finds life difficult. Struggles in social situations. Struggles to not get very stressed over tiny things

Am I awful to think my DS is destined to be the same? My DH is loving, creative but I wouldn't say is a particularly happy man. I so want my DS to grow up happier in his own skin, more confident, and doesn't take out his insecurity on people (like my DH does)

Is this kind of thing hereditary? My MIL still walks on egg shells with my DH now. And I hate it. How do I stop history repeating itself? Or am I just being way too judgmental of a 3 year old???

The go to answer that the kid is likely to have a Sen rather than being a product of a dysfunctional home?
Problem is my DH is a very difficult man at times. He's highly sensitive, very anxious, easy to take offence. He's lots of other good things but I've thought about leaving a lot
DH is too anxious to deal with money
But as we've married he's become much more anxious, demanding, difficult

Labelling his behaviour as bad behaviour and telling him it should be avoided in future was necessary! Rather than “there there well done for walloping everyone come and give us a cuddle!

There is A LOT of room between those two approaches.

Although, they can also be done simultaneously (except for the ‘well done’ Which is of course tongue in cheek). Why can’t you cuddle a child and tell them something isn’t acceptable at the same time? Which child is more likely to listen - the one on the sulking in the naughty step, or the one in calming down your lap? Calm, then correct. (Except they already know it’s wrong and need help to regulate and access what they know). If they wouldn’t do it when calm, They KNOW - you aren’t teaching anything, with consequences. Help them regulate - before and during, teach them better strategies to regulate themselves.

At three, emotions drive behaviour, not thoughts. Regulate emotions, improve behaviour.

This, from a PP, bears repeating:

The way you keep history from repeating is to get your child a diagnosis and lots of help, if that's what's needed. Your husband didn't get that, and perhaps now it's too late for him. It's not too late for your child

OP, if there are any ND needs, knowing will give you the confidence to parent your son better. You'll know when to be strict and when it can make things worse. I understand why your DH would be reluctant to accept it. From his POV he's 'managed' so far (but that's only because he has been facilitated by his mother and you).

This thread has just poven to me that you should always ignore advice from people who don't have a fucking clue of what it was like to parent a child like my DC (diagnosed with ASD at 13yo. So wish it had been sooner, and my DC does not sound as 'bad' as yours).

Parents of NT children have no idea and think they are right because they haven't experienced any of what parents of ND children experience.

OP, do have him assessed. You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain.

Agreed I was diagnosed after my son.

I have followed up with the health visitor and they are going to make a home visit. Also, I have lined up speech and language support privately - (most people struggle to understand what he's saying except me). And I will take him to a GP. I can't imagine our GP having the first clue. My DH is more than 'not interested' though I guess - he thinks me pushing for this is damaging to DS - e.g. labelling him etc etc. But I hear you all and will crack on regardless

He's only just turned three. Days ago. So he is very small still. I've been trying to potty train him but he just absolutely refuses to go near the loo. It's like as soon as he feels any expectation - it becomes unbearable and he just runs away. He hates nappies and always goes somewhere private etc, but he just won't go near the loo.

I guess some of my stereotyped thinking came out - that made me doubt autism - he is very very imaginative...spends ages chatting to himself, pretending to be in a shop, talking to teddies, playing castles and dens with me. When he's happy - he's such an exciteable little boy who I love so very deeply but when he becomes anxious - he is increasingly violent and it really bloody hurts.

Everyone’s child is different. My child was and still is very headstrong and he genuinely believed his actions were perfectly acceptable.

We were doing the cuddle immediately and explain/regulate etc for a number of weeks after a few hitting incidents at nursery.

Then two incidents happened in quick succession - he bit another child very badly, and then he hit an adult at a sports class was brought outside to regulate and shouted at me as we were trying to settle him “for fucks sake I want to go back in” apparently had heard colourful language from SiL and used it in context.

Within a week of using the naughty step his behaviour remedied and he has never spoken like that since, nor hit or bitten another person.

For autistics having a proper meltdown hitting out and wailing their heads off that is entirely a different matter and time outs etc not remotely appropriate. Hugs galore for that!!

I should say that i recognise that my thinking on autism is no doubt really outdated e.g. thinking that his imaginative play, being v affectionate, interested in interacting etc all means he isn't...when of course that is just the stereotype or whatever i guess.

There is real disagreement over the best approach though. I have been reading a book called No Such Thing as Naughty which has influenced my thinking....but i'm not sure it's getting me anyway

The nursery think I've lost my marbles by the way. The say he is so quiet and sweet, but I think he is just left to his own devices and he just keeps himself to himself which i hate to think of. But I have to keep working five days because it's on me to keep things afloat.

Many people are going private now as the wait is 3-6 months.

@Sheesh89 My DS is incredibly imaginative, extremely fun, charismatic, eccentric and speaks in a different accent. Autistics can be incredibly creative too.

@Sheesh89 look up aspergers. It is under the asd umbrella now but is what I am told my son would have previously been diagnosed with. And I would recommend reading books about ASD management rather than those for NT. My DS for the most part in nursery was very reserved, quiet and withdrew into himself too so they can be very different at home and away.

I wish you all the best going forward and as I said will msg you privately with sources of support etc x

That all sounds really good, OP. Well done for getting the ball rolling. I know the whole idea of a diagnosis can be worrying but please don't imagine that they're going to slap a label on DS for no good reason- as lots of people will tell you, if anything it's the other way round (but that's another thread...)

I wonder whether part of your DH's worry is tied up with his anxieties about himself- if everyone keeps saying he was just like DS then if DS has SEN and gets additional support that's going to raise a lot of uncomfortable questions and feelings for him about himself and the choices his mum made.

Autistic people can be creative and imaginative, just like everybody else🙂

You have said you are the bread winner. Is your DH working at all or is he too unwell for that? If he could get a job, it would take some pressure off you. Would a childminder be a better option than nursery if DS's being left alone there too much?

This in spades. Even googling “how to help ASD/ADHD 3 year old emotionally regulate” while you wait for help would be better than nothing.

diagnosis can take a long time.

and yes your DH has head in the sand. Same with mine. They’d “coped” so surely DC will too.

I think they don’t like to admit just how hard it’s been. They pretend it’s all ok forgetting how challenging they may have been to parent - or not parent.

It might be just the personality.

My eldest is calm caring and sweet, the 2nd child is grumpy, bad tempered and never pleased.

He makes my life very difficult.

DH needs to be mindful of his moods or he'll reinforce the narky grumpy behaviour.

I really liked the book Autism- how to raise a happy autistic child by Jemma Hewitson- would recommend.

To add 2nd child the tyrant has autism too.
Most of his impatience is sensory reality, still not easy.

And that’s typical ASD behaviour managing to hold it all together while out of the house and then the meltdown at home. And if you’re out five days a week no wonder he’s clingy. He’s three. He needs lots of cuddle time and being physically bonded to deep safe. I slept with mine on and off in the same room until they were three. Just put a mattress on the floor. It was easy when they woke up I’d just go to sleep there and shhh and say mummy here now, they’d go off to sleep again. Find strategies that get you as much rest as possible but also help him feel connected to you.

he may go better with a nanny. Nursery is challenging for kids with ASD.

Well done OP for reaching out for support.

You are obviously doing your best.

My early reply was obviously aimed at a NT child and I was honest in that I only spoke for myself and what I would accept of my NT children.

I think it must be unbelievably distressing to be hit and slapped multiple times a day and I would find that terrifying.

Of course he is very small at only 3, but that doesn't mean he isn't capable of really physically hurting you.

I really hope that you can get some strategies that can help you through this, that can keep you safe.

Being hit is both painful and upsetting.

I would think finding ways to deal with that, if he is ND, should be absolute priority.

The importance of your younger sons safety is key too.

Wishing you strength.

Have a look at this and see if any of it rings true.
www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda-menu/what-is-demand-avoidance/

I must admit I thought of PDA too, its what I think my DS has but he is not diagnosed, we stopped at an ADHD dx as by the time that was sorted out he was over 18 and getting any kind of ASD Dx is a bit of a post code lottery for adults (DS1 not keen either he doesnt want another dx that comes with more stigma).
I could often hold off the afterschool meltdown if I handed over a drink and snack as soon as he was out of the building, it distracted him and gave him an energy boost, transitions were always a flash point and add in low blood sugar and tiredness, almost guaranteed a tantrum.
The worst days were when DS had meltdowns and would not be reasoned with on the days when my PMT was bad, then I sometimes virtually had a meltdown too and was too shouty and rough with him (this wasnt when he was tiny). Major regrets obviously, try to look after yourself as you need reserves.

@Robinni absolutely if we could have afforded private we would have . 18m for ds (pre lockdown ) and 2 years for me.

Thank you for all your advice and support. I do sometimes feel like running to the hills! I mean not really but I managed a team at work and they spend a lot 0f their time telling me their issues and asking for help (fair enough), and then DH complaining about stuff, and then DS whacking me and then poor little DS2 who honestly just gets on with stuff...because he has to I guess. And it just feels like I'm spending literally every hour looking after people. But the only children are my actual children so gotta focus on them. I do worry about impact on DS2. He is so eager to play with DS1 and just gets shouted at.

Anyway thanks for all the support. It's been v helpful and reassuring. I'm gonna crack on with getting more support and seeing a GP

So glad to read your updates OP. Even if he’s not neurodiverse, you should be able to get some support or coping strategies to help.

we also had family members wondering why we were slapping DS with a label for the rest of his life. To us it wasn’t a label, it was a doorway to support.

good luck

@autienotnaughty
For DS it was £850 for an asd assessment.

The first DLA payment we got following this covered most of it.

We put the cost on overdraft initially (could have used credit card too) and had planned to either pay it off gradually and/or eBay stuff if DLA hadn’t come through.

Thankfully it did and we felt it was an appropriate use of funds to have a diagnosis sooner.

My autistic DS is creative, has a fantastic imagination, makes eye contact, but also is anxious and aggressive. We’ve been hit, bitten, kicked. The thing that made the difference was melatonin at night which helps with sleep. It’s been a life changer. Plus we’ve learnt various strategies.

The waiting list where we are is two years to see anyone regarding a diagnosis. So if you are considering it then definitely crack on regardless of what your DH thinks.

The label thing, it’s better he has a label which helps and supports him rather than him
being labelled as naughty or badly behaved or trouble.

I get that response from my in laws and it drives me bonkers. They wouldn’t be questioning a ‘label’ if he was diabetic.

That would be v kind of you @Robinni to message any advice or resources. I came home tonight after work and I was so so positive with him and praised every good thing he did even if so minor...taking off his own socks for example...like really OTT praise and we got through whole evening and bedtime with no hitting at all. He fell asleep happy and I'm having a celebratory wine.