To be upset my 3 year old is like my DH.

[Sheesh89]

I feel terrible asking this.

I have 2DS. One is 3 years old. The other is 18 months. Everyone says the older one is like my DH and the younger one is like me. Looks, temperament, everything. Both sets of our parents are always saying they are just like you when you were small.

Problem is my DH is a very difficult man at times. He's highly sensitive, very anxious, easy to take offence. He's lots of other good things but I've thought about leaving a lot.

Apparently when DH was small, my MIL used to be scared of him. She said he banged his head, tantrums in public, hit her. My MIL now worships my DH and never sticks up for herself and I very stupidly presumed my DH behaviour as a child (and as an adult) was due to some bad parenting (over anxious, never say no, the boy can do no wrong) very judgmental of me

And now I have exactly the same with DS. He hits me 10 times a day. He never does it at nursery or to other kids, just me. He screams all the time. He's so incredibly anxious. Constantly clings to me like a baby. Wants me to himself all the time. He's terrified of going to bed. He cries if his toast is cracked. Last night he woke up crying and I went into see him and he slapped me right across the face and then hugged me so tightly I could barely breathe. That just about sums our relationship up.

My DH is the first to admit he finds life difficult. Struggles in social situations. Struggles to not get very stressed over tiny things

Am I awful to think my DS is destined to be the same? My DH is loving, creative but I wouldn't say is a particularly happy man. I so want my DS to grow up happier in his own skin, more confident, and doesn't take out his insecurity on people (like my DH does)

Is this kind of thing hereditary? My MIL still walks on egg shells with my DH now. And I hate it. How do I stop history repeating itself? Or am I just being way too judgmental of a 3 year old???

it could be that living in the environment that you portray here is one that causes him distress

I also thought this it sounds very tense. you're anxious all the time about annoying your husband, no surprise the kids are anxious.

OP

Try doing it just the once. Just the once, don't give in.

Put in earplugs - they'll only reduce the sound not completely mask it - if you need to.

Toddler years can be awful.

However the behaviour you describe does sound ND - meltdowns, anxiety, masking in nursery/disaster at home, hitting, seeking proprioceptive input (really squeezy hugs), sleep issues, weird food aversions.

Read up on ASD and see if your son has other indicators. Speak to HV/GP and get them to help you with referral letter. Once ref to NHS consider private assessment and having it ratified by nhs dept to speed things up. Early intervention is key to avoid negative long term outcomes - such as the difficult behaviours your DH has.

Also Jo Frost toddler books are amazing, and the book Little Dinos don’t hit.

Our DS had some very difficult behaviours, but we always disciplined him the same despite ASD. It isn’t an excuse - they can learn, unless very severely impaired.

If you investigate and manage the problem there is no need for him to end up like DH and you will support him to meet his full potential.

Jesus do we have to diagnose every tantrumming 3 year old with SEN!!!

There is nothing unusual about this child's behaviour.

He needs boundaries and consistency, and a firm poker-faced no.

@Curiosity101 says to take her advice with a pinch of salt.... I would say to take it exactly as she gives it.

Your child needs your help and support to learn to articulate their emotions in a different way ( v difficult at 3, super difficult if ND- but you have to start somewhere, do what you can, and be consistent). Don't just help and support them to do this in times of emotional distress or after dysregulation- do it when they are content, when they are excited, when they are nervous, when they are bored. Use basic smiley face graphics as a starting point and build up to more complex things when appropriate. Try and encourage them to tell you their physical feelings too "i feel fizzy in my tummy" "my face feels hot" and then link feelings to emotions. Helping them navigate their small emotions can lead to help with their big emotions.

When I read the OP, I was thinking about Borderline Personality disorder- (obvs WAY too early to consider for a child) - but it is characterised by fear of rejection - anxiety, clinginess, but also hurting the people who love you to test their rejection - and also by emotional dysregulation.

Your post made me think of two good books on bpd (in adults). They are called Stop Walking on Eggshells, and I Hate You, Don't Leave Me- both of which seemed to chime with your situation....

Can I reiterate, I am not suggesting your little child has a disorder. But reading a little around the topic might help you with insights and techniques on helping him learn to manage his emotions. My DS (20) has bpd. He has never hit me but I have often said I feel like the victim of abuse as I have to stay close to him whilst he is having frightening episodes.

You have articulated this very well. I am in the same position and it is definitely hereditary. I’m too tired to muddle my thoughts together when you’ve done it so well for me, but thank you for that post.
OP your little boy is only 3 so he may well grow out of it with some firm boundaries - but yes, in some cases there are hereditary factors, I’d say.

I think it's time you separated from your husband. Your child has extra needs right now and your husband is a hindrance to you all having a happy life. He'll just go back to his mum, I assume?

Your child is showing signs of intense distress - he's lashing out at you because he's in distress, not because he's violent or doesn't like you. I would speak to your doctor about having further investigations there.

OP, the best parenting advice I ever heard was that your parenting style needs to match your child. Some children respond very well to the firm approach, of time out and separation and punishment. Others don't and need a different approach.
I quickly learnt that approach did not work with my eldest. Being separated was absolutely terrifying for him. Doing that increased his anxiety and stress and being insecure increased, not decreased, his ability to handle his emotions.

Honestly, I thought I would be a super strict mum, but that just did not work with mine. I have gradually learnt that doubling down on love and connection and time and empathy and co-regulation has been most effective with him.
That doesn't mean tolerate hitting, I am clear that is not acceptable. I do use threats/ consequences (if you do that, this will happen).
But the separation punishment, those sort of punishments - made my eldest so much worse.

And young kids need lots of repetition. Mine are now older than yours, but I find repeating at the start of the day what is not acceptable and what they can do instead of hitting if they find they are getting annoyed really helped. I also used the five point emotion scale for a while and that was useful.

Yes, that's how genetics works...

My mum always complained about my brother and I being neurodiverse (he's autistic, I have ADHD) and both having depression at different times. After she chose to have children with an autistic man who has chronic depression.

I don't have any practical toddler advice. But as he grows up, please try not to make him feel bad for the fact that half of his genetic material comes from the man who you decided to have children with.

And you need consistent expectations for everyone in the family, which you AND DH need to model. You can't expect DS to learn not to shout in anger, for example, if his father doing that is accepted.

Trust your gut everytime and it appears that you think that your son could benefit from an intervention. You will never get your husband on board as that would require him to look at himself and he may not have the capacity. If there is an issue there, than you owe it to your son to get all the assistance and support you can so he can thrive as a happy little boy. Best of luck.

Can I just say I've possibly overplayed the DH 'ruling the roost'. I'm really not scared of him. I think it might be me - that I'm a people pleaser and he's a complainer - and I spend a lot of time trying to solve his problems for him. He has been v good with kids in the past - taken them out, done stuff with them, been hands-on but both of them are just emotionally obsessed with me at the moment - the baby wants to be on me the whole time and DS1 only wants me now too. Which makes DH say 'they don't want me'. And because of the way DH is - he takes it all very personally e.g. 'Oh my own kids hate me' self-pity stuff, and often says 'You need to change nappy/deal with tantrum/do night wakes' because they only want you.

I remember he used to do night wakes towards the beginning. But he hasn't done a night wake for about 18 months. And yes, I get up and work. I started working again when DS2 was 3 months old because DH was so stressed about money (even though it was OK because we had savings). That's what I mean - DH is stressed and worried, and I fix it.

But the atmosphere really isn't that bad. Lots of tantrums. But also lots of affection and laughing. But things are getting worse.

Stop bloody comforting him after he hits you!

Say no and just keep putting him away from you.

Say No, I don't want to cuddle you because you hurt me. I don't want you near me if you hit me. People who hit don't get cuddles.

Are you going to forgo all discipline because it upsets him?

OP has been told to talk to the GP about SEN by her HV, and she hasn't done it. It's not MN coming up with the SEN idea!!

Oh my gosh!! Just read the rest of your posts.

HV already mentioned asd - get him assessed NOW.

This is all shits and giggles now. If you do not get him assessed and proper help school will be a nightmare. And he will continue with the violent behaviour. Not so fun when he is a teen.

And he’s likely due DLA, your household may on the basis of this get thousands of a UC top up and free entry to many places for a carer. You’re doing your son out of about 5-10k of financial support and huge amount of support schemes etc.

@AhNowTed
Because those of us with ND children can see the signs having experienced them ourselves. The behaviour the OP describes is certainly not typical 3 year old behaviour, it is more extreme. The child may not have SEN but it needs to be ruled in or out in order for the OP to be confident in her parenting approach.

True three year old can't cope with big emotions and lash out how do we help them? By teaching them that it is unacceptable to lash out

And because of the way DH is - he takes it all very personally e.g. 'Oh my own kids hate me' self-pity stuff, and often says 'You need to change nappy/deal with tantrum/do night wakes' because they only want you.

Sorry but this is a load of old balls. Loads of kids would prefer everything to be done by mum, but adults don't go along with it because mums can't do everything, especially when they are working. Your DH may be anxious and pathetic but he's also a lazy arse, these things don't cancel each other out, and just because you feel sorry for him doesn't mean he's not also taking the piss. Sounds like you've got 3 children!

When he hits you do not let him cuddle you straight after. Zero tolerance firm no and walk away zero tolerance! Maybe you need to be a firmer parent

@Eeksteek great post

Second Ross green . Also Phillipa Perry.

@Robinni

what is actually going to change as a result of an asd diagnosis?

even if he is autistic op would still need to not cuddle him after he slaps her. Autistic or not, hitting is not ok.

OP, you need to go to your GP with your concerns about DS1.

Everything you say about your DH and your son suggests neurodivergence. ASD/ADHD are strong possibilities here.

Fucking awful advice on this thread. YES children need boundaries, but shutting a distressed (and very possibly ND) 3yo in his room? Telling him you don't want him near you? Pushing him away when he asks for a cuddle?

He's fucking 3. There are so many age-appropriate ways you can enforce boundaries and impose consequences without resorting to emotional abuse.

The way you keep history from repeating is to get your child a diagnosis and lots of help, if that's what's needed. Your husband didn't get that, and perhaps now it's too late for him. It's not too late for your child.

I am really struggling to understand why you wouldn't pursue things with your GP after the HV suggested it. You don't need your husband's permission. If he is going to be a hindrance to getting your son help, then he can go.

You need to investigate possible SEN because the advice will be completely different if this is a possibility.

Genuinely was a bit shocked hence my response.

If a medical professional says your child may have a disability you don’t avoid investigating the matter because your DH doesn’t feel like it!

Seriously this is something that will impact his life and you have the power to make it so much better for him. Don’t let him suffer unnecessarily for the sake of pride or feeling there is stigma around the diagnosis. That doesn’t matter. Your son matters.

Refer to NHS pronto, get private assessment if possible ensuring that report can be ratified by NHS dept, apply for dla then UC/family fund (if applicable), every autism card under the sun and reduced cost memberships so you can take kid everywhere ie National trust as much as possible to widen his experiences and increase flexibility. Ensure that all info re. Referral, potential reports etc is relayed to nursery/school so they make appropriate accommodations for him. Just some of the things that need done…

Regarding the hitting - naughty step (1 min per yr of age) is what worked for our son. He hit a few kids at nursery then one adult and that was enough for me to bring in very firm discipline.