To be upset my 3 year old is like my DH.

[Sheesh89]

I feel terrible asking this.

I have 2DS. One is 3 years old. The other is 18 months. Everyone says the older one is like my DH and the younger one is like me. Looks, temperament, everything. Both sets of our parents are always saying they are just like you when you were small.

Problem is my DH is a very difficult man at times. He's highly sensitive, very anxious, easy to take offence. He's lots of other good things but I've thought about leaving a lot.

Apparently when DH was small, my MIL used to be scared of him. She said he banged his head, tantrums in public, hit her. My MIL now worships my DH and never sticks up for herself and I very stupidly presumed my DH behaviour as a child (and as an adult) was due to some bad parenting (over anxious, never say no, the boy can do no wrong) very judgmental of me

And now I have exactly the same with DS. He hits me 10 times a day. He never does it at nursery or to other kids, just me. He screams all the time. He's so incredibly anxious. Constantly clings to me like a baby. Wants me to himself all the time. He's terrified of going to bed. He cries if his toast is cracked. Last night he woke up crying and I went into see him and he slapped me right across the face and then hugged me so tightly I could barely breathe. That just about sums our relationship up.

My DH is the first to admit he finds life difficult. Struggles in social situations. Struggles to not get very stressed over tiny things

Am I awful to think my DS is destined to be the same? My DH is loving, creative but I wouldn't say is a particularly happy man. I so want my DS to grow up happier in his own skin, more confident, and doesn't take out his insecurity on people (like my DH does)

Is this kind of thing hereditary? My MIL still walks on egg shells with my DH now. And I hate it. How do I stop history repeating itself? Or am I just being way too judgmental of a 3 year old???

Your cuddles aren't validating bad behaviour.
There are lots of posters on this thread who have no experience of DC with ASD or anxiety. Cuddle your DC and reassure him. Emotions aren't negative but they can be overwhelming.

Also, you have to remember that just as your DC isn't your DH. He also isn't an extension of you. I get a sense you're feeling his actions reflect on you or are your responsibility. You need to view him as his own unique person so you can respond to what he needs.
I think the PP who mentioned a childminder rather than nursery makes a valid point too. I know there often isn't an option but if there are alternatives to nursery then I'd consider them. Nursery isn't ideal for some DCs especially not DCs who are anxious or struggle with emotions.

“No child would be clinging to me after slapping me across the face.
It just wouldn't happen.
Others may say different but I would not tolerate it.”

me neither.

For those who would cuddle the child…you’re a person! You do not deserve to be hit whoever it’s by!

Don’t override your own feelings in order to pacify your kid

@TheVeryThing this is why I said OP needs professional advice. What worked for us and many NT children may be inappropriate for her son.

It worked for us because it was what he needed in terms of removal from the situation causing him distress and lack of stimulation for 3-4 minutes. He could be so hyped up that he couldn’t communicate at all without this “settling” period. He now has a sensory tent he can retreat to which performs the same function.

Besides, he hit unknown adults and the situation warranted action. Labelling his behaviour as bad behaviour and telling him it should be avoided in future was necessary! Rather than “there there well done for walloping everyone come and give us a cuddle!”

Rather than “there there well done for walloping everyone come and give us a cuddle!”

Like anyone has suggested that 🙄

If you have to lie to make your case, you don't have a case.

A much better approach would be to work out why they are getting to the point of hitting/having a meltdown and work to prevent it happening. A neurodiverse 3 year old will not have the capacity to control their responses in the way you are suggesting. It’s up to the parents to work out how to keep them calm and regulated and pick up on the signs when they are getting too anxious etc so they can step in and help.

That’s partly why it’s so important to get a diagnosis as early as possible. It opens up all kinds of resources (books, courses, support groups, OT, Ed Psyc etc) so the parents can understand their child better (triggers, calming strategies etc). It also gives you more confidence to do what your child actually needs rather than what you feel you ‘should’ be doing.

Lots of people with NT kids suggesting taking a zero tolerance approach, honestly this won’t work with many ND kids…!

What other signal does giving a child an immediate hug with no discipline whatsoever send?

it’s one thing to give a hug and say now we know that’s bad behaviour so no screen time for you today. Vs hugs galore and no mention.

This is very good advice @MummyGummy

I think this thread proves why you need proper support. Not just randoms off the internet (including me)
there isn’t a one size fits all approach, children aren’t a can of beans, they are the individuals inside. You will find what works for yours, don’t let it be a self fulfilling prophecy that he will be your husband. He sounds a very loving child who cannot cope with emotions and regulate lashing out. He knows it’s wrong. So you’ve clearly done a good job there. You just need support in managing the signs and emotion before the outburst.
you’ll get there

Great post from Eeksteek

Good post.

Vs hugs galore and no mention

Again, no-one has said this. What is your motivation for making up what people have said just so that you can tear down your own invention?

Children who are distressed need to know there are boundaries but they also need adults to help them regulate their emotions. Inflicting punishment on a child who is emotionally distressed will exacerbate their disregulation. Discipline is about teaching children. The lesson that children who can't regulate need is how to regulate. They will not learn how not to hit if they have not first learnt how to regulate. They learn this from repeated co-regulation with an attuned adult.

As anything in life, you need to be able to accurately analyse the problem before you can formulate an effective solution. You seem to be thinking the problem is 'naughty' (ie child can behave well but is choosing not to), but if something much more is going on, the solutions for 'naughty' won't work, because that is not actually the problem.

do people honestly believe that a small child is capable of learning anything when they are in highly distressed state? You might think you are teaching them something but children do not learn when they are distraught.
also, the need for hugs might reflect a need sensory input, very tight hugs can be calming for children with sensory issues.
Again, connection is everything when it comes to parenting and I cannot imagine denying that connection to a distressed 3 year old.

I'm neurodivergent OP and was only diagnosed in my 40s because my mum didn't see my faults.

Please use your awareness to have your ds diagnosed if he needs it and ensure you give him the guidance your mil didn't give your husband. It's hard being neurodivergent but it's even harder when people have pandered us at early ages and not helped us to live in a neurotypical world. You have an amazing chance to help your son. Please use it.

Op your son sounds a lot like my ds.

massive tantrums with hitting out, throwing things, head banging. My ds goes on a destruction derby when he has a meltdown. He’s austistic. As I suspect my Dh is also.

my son genuinely can’t control himself when he’s in a meltdown. He’s heartbroken at anything he’s broken when he’s able to come back down. When he melts down it’s because he’s been pushed too far & has lost control of everything. He can no more control himself at that time than I can fly.

he’s also worse when he’s at school. Fine at school. Doesn’t cause any issues. It comes out when he gets home. when he’s in his safe space with his mummy who’s not demanding he conform to social rules he doesn’t understand & can’t manage all day.

not saying your son is autistic or has traits but I’d do some reading. Maybe look up the coke bottle analogy, some info on autistic meltdowns etc, so you’re informed.

but 🍷 Sen or no Sen. It’s tough.

Agree with the comment on the very right hugs fulfilling a sensory need.

we often wrap my son in a fleece blanket & squeeze him following a meltdown.

And echo what others have said. Help your son stop getting to the point he has, as a 3 year old it's beyond his abilities to control that once he's there.

There’s a hugely damaging myth that “good” parenting can prevent/fix the “bad” behaviour of dc who are neurodivergent and it is probably one of the most damaging misconceptions of our generation.

Parenting does matter in the sense that neglect and abuse have consequences. And because trying to parent a child who is neurodiverse as if they were a bold neurotypical child is on the borderline of abuse.

children are like seeds - you can plant, water and nurture it, but you have zero influence on whether your seed will grow into an oak or a willow or bluebell.

It sucks to spend your life feeling like you’re wrong because the understanding of how your perfectly good brain works wasn’t available. Please look into the possibility that your dc might have additional needs.
The worst case scenario is that they tell you he’s fine.

@MsEverywhere Look I can only speak for what worked for us. From what I gathered a lot of people were saying to minimise the hitting. But I am reading while out so perhaps picking up wrong.

Hitting grown adults because he didn’t get his way and couldn’t follow his own agenda was awful behaviour. And outlining this to him and reinforcing it was important. He now understands the appropriate options at his disposal (learnt via role play) and these needed to be outlined and consequences explained for him to change.

Using a disciplinary method usually for Nt (naughty step) worked because it gave space to regulate and removed DS from a distressing scenario. Then we talked about how to handle things better in future, which tbh involved me learning about triggers and avoiding them and passing through info to school so they could support him too.

We now rarely use it - as he stopped doing a lot of the problematic behaviour as a result. We have a sensory box/tent etc and breathing exercises which help as well as a chart where he can identify feelings and discuss.

Don't try to work out how to discipline this poor child without a diagnosis. Please ignore all the posters suggesting tips and tricks, it won't work. Just try to get through until you can get some help.

I say that as there are red flags all over what you've written about your DH and DS that say they are both almost certainly neurodivergent.

I feel for you. I'm neurotypical living with neurodivergents. I love them to pieces but sometimes it feels like we are from different planets.

My DH barely communicates and we've had two DC one more like him than the other.

One of them at age three was a nightmare. Three IS a very difficult age. I'd hate to revisit that period.

It does pass but do get help. Don't make the mistake of getting angry or losing love for your child because they've got different genes. Professional help really will unlock some strategies for you. It didn't cure things for us but it made life so much better.💐

Your son may well be ND however you need to at least attempt to parent him and be firm in order to rule out whether it's just him doing it because you allow him to be cuddled after he hits you and it's what gets your attention. People are so quick to jump to the "must have ADHD". My SIL tried this with my nephew who did worse than your son (kicking and punching his mum, the walls, smashing TV's (since around 4) - she was told by Dr's and many professionals to put boundaries in place and discipline him appropriately because he did not have ADHD - he's 9 and needed to be stopped trying to put someone's window through not too long ago because she ignored them and carried on pandering to his needs.

Put boundaries in place and be firmer as a start, if this doesn't work (after a number of weeks being consistent) then definitely seek some support from GP. My girls were difficult at 3 and pushed boundaries when not able to regulate emotions, neither are ND and it didn't carry on long with boundaries and appropriate discipline. It's a tough age.

My ds2 was exactly like this at age 3. He was diagnosed with ASD at age 6.

The violence towards other people stopped at around age 4, but he continued tantruming and head banging until around age 6. At 6, it switched to threatening to kill himself, trying to jump out of windows, run in front of cars, or get hold of knives. That got a lot better around age 10 when the lockdowns came the stress of school was gone. Then when he turned 11 he suddenly started having the intense interests that are typical with autism. He will talk all day long about his special interest, and that seems to calm down his anxiety.

You really need to get him assessed, it's quite likely that he has ASD or another ND. This is just one stage and it will hopefully pass, it doesn't mean that he will be violent forever, but there could be different challenges ahead. It will all be so much easier with a diagnosis and support.

Oh and I tried time outs with my ds when he was younger, and it was an absolute disaster. Sent his anxiety through the roof and made things 100 times worse.

@JulieBeds my suggestions are based on a diagnosis plus twenty years experience of working with Sen children. Even if the child isn't Sen the approach would work well. A diagnosis would take 2-3 years you can't wait to parent for that length of time.

Ooh the "I wouldn't tolerate this, just tell him no" brigade are out in force I see.